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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Told my mum I’m pregnant and she won’t talk to me

187 replies

asislife · 17/12/2023 23:12

I find out I was pregnant and at 9 weeks I decided to tell my mum as physically I was finding it difficult. I had not decided what I was going to do at the time. I had been seeing the dad on and off for almost 5years and he does not want the baby, it was unplanned.

I told my mum I was pregnant hoping for some support knowing initially she would be disappointed. I am now 13 weeks in and I’ve decided to keep my baby but my mum still won’t speak to me and has said the news has ruined her and she’s embarrassed, ashamed and my life will be very hard. She’s implied I get an abortion.

It’s upsetting because I understand I am looking at life as a single parent now which is already disheartening but I am 25 I work full time with career prospects and I finished uni (as my mum wanted) so i do have some sort of direction and I can definitely make it work although I know it will be very hard.

I do still live at home but I am prepared to move if I have to as I don’t want to burden anyone with my decision. I stay at home to save money and would like to stay at least for after the baby is here. While I understand my mums disappointment, it’s made me feel like I can’t look forward to my baby. Should I feel bad, am I wrong? I feel terrible about it. Any advice or perspective would be great

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 19/12/2023 20:57

asislife · 18/12/2023 22:27

@Choux I don’t need to discuss the practicality’s here or give you my personal finances broken down in a spreadsheet… that’s a conversation for my mum and I, one which obviously I have considered and have said the issue is ignoring and navigating that when it’s not available currently. I haven’t once slammed my mum and never would and I can hope she will have a change of heart so we can begin to move forward in a way satisfactory for everyone.

I do appreciate everyone has different views and I hope for you that your situation is and remains iron clad x I just don’t understand where the assumption came from that I would not and have not considered the practicalities.. seems like a reach but no problem regardless, it’s good to hear differing perspectives :)

Edited

I think everyone is suggesting the detailed look at finances in order to win your Mum round. She will be able to talk to you once you have a detailed clear plan. Without that it's probably just too stressful to even talk to you right now. You took risks with contraception with an on off relationship. Now if you want her back onside you need to step up and develop a clear plan for moving forwards.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/12/2023 21:07

dontbenastyhaveapasty · 18/12/2023 22:58

One practical thing you need to do asap is book and pay the deposit for a nursery place.

Good nurseries often have fully booked baby rooms long in advance, you really need to get this sorted asap, and definitely don’t wait until after the baby has arrived. Just put down the due date as baby’s date of birth and change it to the correct date nearer the time.

It will also help your budget plans to clearly understand what you will be spending on nursery. It is usually as much as you will spend on rent, or at least it is in my area.

That in turn will help you have a clearer idea of what your rental budget will be.

Best of luck!

Sorry but...

Does anyone actually pay a deposit on a nursery place when they're 13 weeks pregnant? That's bloody ridiculous and nurseries should refuse to hold places until the baby is born.

HoppingPavlova · 19/12/2023 22:30

@SleepingStandingUp to blow your mind, it’s not just nurseries but also schools. Most people I know put names down on private school lists, with substantial ‘processing fee’ on doing tours on finding out they are pregnant. They then follow up with actual details/name/dob when baby arrives. High deposit is not until you are confirmed on the list though which is a few years away. However nurseries take the deposit when booking as it’s only roughly an 18month gap between booking place and baby starting. Why should nurseries refuse to take bookings before babies are born? How would this assist people who need nursery services in order to return to work.

Hayzl · 19/12/2023 22:35

Having a baby was and is the most amazing thing I've ever done.

Congratulations op, this will be the start of the best journey of your life x

HoppingPavlova · 19/12/2023 22:47

I think everyone is suggesting the detailed look at finances in order to win your Mum round. She will be able to talk to you once you have a detailed clear plan. Without that it's probably just too stressful to even talk to you right now.

Exactly this. The problem is OP seems to have made this announcement to her mum without any plan. So as far as mum knows she risks being lumbered with a baby for ??? who knows how long.

It likely would have gone very differently if OP had of advised mum that she was pregnant, had most of her ducks in a row, working to get the last duck under control and to do so would it be possible to stay for up to 3 months after the birth and then will relocate (with plans to show how this will be achieved in current rental market etc). Showing what the plan is for childcare and that it can be afforded so she won’t be asking for that in return to work etc. If she has done this research and determined it’s feasible, as claimed, then that’s great, but it was a shame none of that was conveyed to mum at the exact time of announcing pregnancy, as it would have likely prevented this outcome.

MargotBamborough · 20/12/2023 08:49

SleepingStandingUp · 19/12/2023 21:07

Sorry but...

Does anyone actually pay a deposit on a nursery place when they're 13 weeks pregnant? That's bloody ridiculous and nurseries should refuse to hold places until the baby is born.

Show quote history

I'm not in the UK so things are a little different here and babies often go to nursery at a young age.

But with my son we tried to get a place in a nursery after he was born and we were basically laughed out of town. We found a childminder eventually but it was very stressful. He eventually started at nursery when he was about 18 months old.

Second time round I had learned my lesson and applied for a place immediately after my 12 week scan.

LonelynSad · 20/12/2023 09:24

All these people defending OP's DM yet if it was a man giving the silent treatment, you'd all be calling it emotional abuse?
OP your mum needs to grow up. This is not how to handle this situation

LonelynSad · 20/12/2023 09:39

Choux · 18/12/2023 21:57

It sounds like your mum is telling you that she doesn't want to help you become a single parent and she doesn't agree with your choice. That is her right - the responsibility for raising a child belongs to the parents. She shouldn't have to step in because your on off boyfriend won't take his share of the responsibility.

So when are you moving out?

OP has only just found out and you're saying "so when are you moving out?" Wow!!!!!!!! That's horrible. That's appalling behaviour from a grown adult

MargotBamborough · 20/12/2023 09:56

LonelynSad · 20/12/2023 09:39

OP has only just found out and you're saying "so when are you moving out?" Wow!!!!!!!! That's horrible. That's appalling behaviour from a grown adult

Show quote history

OP has known she is pregnant for over a month now so she hasn't just found out.

It's not unreasonable to point out that when the OP's mum agreed to let her live at home to save money, she probably didn't anticipate having a baby live with her as well.

The OP's mum would be well within her rights to say, "I didn't agree to house you at the age of 25 only for you to have an oops baby with your feckless on-off boyfriend. You will have to move out and stand on your own two feet."

I strongly suspect that she does actually care a lot about the OP and will let her stay, she is just deeply disappointed that the OP has chosen this path rather than getting herself properly set up with her own home and a reliable partner before having a baby. She probably needs some time to come to terms with that.

willingtolearn · 20/12/2023 10:13

Just because you're a mother doesn't mean that you have to automatically approve of every decision your child makes and jump to fix the poor decisions they make, even when they're howling in your arms (and in your head you are trying VERY hard not to say I told you so)

Once they are adults (in age at least) they are allowed to make decisions good and bad for themselves.

What isn't fair is an 'adult' making all the decisions and everyone else around them, including society, suffering and paying for their decisions.

Flyhigher · 20/12/2023 17:00

It's very stressful all round. Babies are a joy but also very very hard work. Your Mum still hasn't finished really bringing you up, you are still at home, so the thought of another child right now is too tiring for her to think about. So she's blocking it out. While she processes.

Some clear plans and finances worked out will really help bring down the worry.

I do think it's a very big task to take on at 25 with no partner helping out.

Flyhigher · 27/12/2023 08:22

Hope your Mum talked to you over Xmas xxx

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