Told my mum I’m pregnant and she won’t talk to me

[asislife]

I find out I was pregnant and at 9 weeks I decided to tell my mum as physically I was finding it difficult. I had not decided what I was going to do at the time. I had been seeing the dad on and off for almost 5years and he does not want the baby, it was unplanned.

I told my mum I was pregnant hoping for some support knowing initially she would be disappointed. I am now 13 weeks in and I’ve decided to keep my baby but my mum still won’t speak to me and has said the news has ruined her and she’s embarrassed, ashamed and my life will be very hard. She’s implied I get an abortion.

It’s upsetting because I understand I am looking at life as a single parent now which is already disheartening but I am 25 I work full time with career prospects and I finished uni (as my mum wanted) so i do have some sort of direction and I can definitely make it work although I know it will be very hard.

I do still live at home but I am prepared to move if I have to as I don’t want to burden anyone with my decision. I stay at home to save money and would like to stay at least for after the baby is here. While I understand my mums disappointment, it’s made me feel like I can’t look forward to my baby. Should I feel bad, am I wrong? I feel terrible about it. Any advice or perspective would be great

I think you need to be realistic. A baby in your home is a huge change that your Mum didn't choose but will suffer the effects of. Equally, I think you may struggle to find alternative housing. It is hard enough to rent as a single person, nevermind as a lone parent on maternity pay with childcare costs to cover. Social housing is virtually impossible to get. It'll also be virtually impossible to secure a mortgage while a lone parent. Good luck I wish you well. I hope your relationship with your Mum survives.

You're an adult and you have to be the one to make this decision BUT you really do need to move out of your Mum's home.

Hopefully you've saved enough to rent a small flat or property.

Your Mum is clearly one of those people who feel that having children should happen the 'right way', eg marriage and a home first, and right now she can't see past what she assumes the neighbours/her friends might think. Her not speaking to you is emotional blackmail, IMO - she's hoping you will feel you won't cope without her help and will have a termination. That must really hurt but I think you need to focus on yourself and your baby and get out, definitely before having the baby.

It will be way harder to move once the baby is here, OP.

Yes but OP have you fully costed things out?

Do you know how much it would cost to rent your own place in the area where you live?

Do you know how long you will be able to take for maternity leave, and how much maternity pay you are entitled to?

Have you researched childcare in your area?

Have you actually sat down and done a cold, hard analysis of at least your income and the actual cost of raising a child whilst living independently, and satisfied yourself that your income will exceed your outgoings every month and that you won't be one unexpected bill away from homelessness at any given time?

If not, you are still going to be reliant on your mother.

Luckily my work offer childcare for staff so that will be an option after my maternity and in terms of housing my plan is to find something before the baby comes

Sounds watertight!

A 25 year old who was in a long term relationship, has an education, savings and career being pregnant... shock, horror the utter shame, how will your family ever recover from this black cloud upon their pride.

OP the only thing you need is to sort out your own place, you are already 90% better of than MOST parents I know where.

Your mam is frankly a twat... you don't get to be 'disappointed' by other people reproduction.

@Winnipeggy Would you stop talking to your child and make them feel like crap? Because that doesn't seem terribly productive

No, I most certainly would not stop talking to my child. In fact the opposite. Every day I’d be talking to them on how their new housing plans are coming along, their firm move out date, and how they planned to support themselves on maternity leave and moving forward. I’d be talking A LOT in fact.

If they wanted to then blackmail me saying I could only see my grandchild if I was prepared to return to the hellishly shit years of having baby/toddler in the house then I couldn’t see a path forward honestly. Because that’s blackmail, we have well and truly done our time, crawled out and now have a good life, so we would expect the kids to be fair about this.

Thank you! Xx I’m on it at the moment. Thankfully work have a nursery for staff while we are on site so I’d still be able to work. Just need to finalise a suitable housing situation. I don’t dependent solely on my mum as it’s been assumed I just live with her and pay her rent as it’s cheaper and more convenient for everyone.

Gosh, she is a bit rude and unsupportive. I am sorry you're going through this @asislife But I think as some posters have said, she is just worried for you. A baby/child is a HELL of a commitment. For life. You can never put yourself first again, and you will be responsible for that child for 2 decades. You never stop being a mother, and you never stop worrying and stressing about them..

Also, look forward to having no spare money for 20-21 years. (MINIMUM. It may be more if they don't leave home til 25-30!) And you will have very little spare time. Because that's how it will be as a single mum with no support from your parents OR the baby's father.

And people are telling you to move out, but truth be told, living alone is fucking expensive and will be even more expensive with a baby. You will lose money if you cut your hours or finish work to look after the baby, OR if you stay full time and use a nursery.

Good luck in all you do, but it's going to be very hard with no parental support and your on/off partner not supporting you. I don't envy you. I wish you well, but this is going to be a hard journey...

Sorry to sound a bit negative and brusque! Just putting some different (and probably realistic) points up. Too many people are soft-soaping you.

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Well I guess you do get to be disappointed if they are living under your roof and you are financially supporting them, and they ideally don’t want to move out anytime soon.

Just to say there’s a nursery where I work and no space so it’s not a guarantee - ask about waiting list etc now

How old is your mother - menopausal perhaps? She will certainly be old enough to be distressed at having a screaming baby in her home disturbing her peace. You have no children, you dont realise you will be asking her for help when it arrives. Your mother has had a child or children she knows how difficult it is for single parents.

Once the baby arrives she will probably be more supportive but it's perfectly natural not to want your life disrupted by someone else's decision. Rather childish to stop talking to you for 4 weeks though.

I’m surprised people have assumed your mum is financially supporting you, if you’re paying rent presumably it’s costing her nothing, and it’s like having a lodger for her, so her own rent is cheaper
i think the responses are way too harsh
you’re 25, even if she’s worried for you, you’ve made your decision now she needs to get over it. It’s not for her to shame you or cloud things with her own disappointment, whatever you do as an adult it’s not her business to cast judgement on.
what is her business is you living in her house with a baby, if she doesn’t want that that’s perfectly reasonable, but she can communicate those concerns without sulking about the entire thing and saying you’ve brought shame on the family and all that nonsense.
she sounds awful really.
you do sound a little immature, being in that situation and still planning to stay in it and bring a child into it, but that’s fine,
you need to get out asap really and start being an adult on your own so it’s less of a shock when the baby gets here. It’s going to be difficult financially but obviously that’s the decision you’ve made. You need to get child support from the dad too.

OP, from the way you express yourself in your most recent post I'm wondering if you and your mum are from a different country or culture where being an unmarried mother is frowned on. That's not the case here in the UK any more.

My mum does not financially support me. I pay her rent and financially support myself and she is more than entitled to her opinion I respect it.

I mean it's not an ideal situation really is it and I can see why your mum would be dissapointed. There's nothing for her to be ashamed and embarrassed of and she's being a bit dramatic there. It's your decision to make and she either will accept it or you need to look at moving out. You're an adult, you've made an adult decision. You live with another adult who is unhappy with your decision. Perhaps in time she will warm to the idea. Or maybe she won't. In the meant time you need to be practical about living arrangements & costs etc.
There is lots of support available out there for single parents, if you know where and how to access it. Have you spoken to a midwife yet?
Depending on your earnings, you will be entitled to a range of state benefits, as well as help with housing costs. Have you looked into what you'd be entitled to? The father will also be paying child support I presume?

I do think some of the responses you've had in this thread have been very cruel for no reason. But this is MN. I've seen many threads where posters seem to get glee from bashing single mothers/women just for sport, rather than providing any actual practical support/advice or information.

Some links for you OP:

www.gingerbread.org.uk

www.singleparents.org.uk/information/single-parent-info/i-have-just-become-a-single-parent-help

www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/your-relationship-couple/relationship-changes/single-parenting-support-benefits-and-responsibilities

www.careforthefamily.org.uk/support-for-you/family-life/parent-support/parent-support-organisations/

Congratulations and yes, you can make it work.

I know from experience that I may possibly share some of your mother’s concerns but would keep them entirely to myself and support you every way I could, practically and emotionally.

From your OP you said you lived at home to save money but that’s great then that you’re able to pay her rent plus financially supporting yourself. Not sure why you’d want to continue living at home until after the baby is born then? Get a place of your own as soon as you can. Your relationship with your mum will likely be much better.

How much is her rent that you can pay it and save money, rather than move out and, not save money?

You’re a sad human being getting off on degrading other women on the internet. Plenty of babies have big homes and dads and have crap upbringings. This baby will be loved - this woman clearly will do her best for this child. OP I’ve been in your position - this is not the only issue with your mum is it? Do what took me years to do and accept your mum is a damaged prick of a person and enjoy your baby. Don’t let her take this away from you. Shut her down and tell her she is never to talk ill of your pregnancy again and then refuse to engage with anything negative again. You’re going to be an amazing mum and your baby will be gorgeous.

Can you afford accommodation for you and baby, including when you are on mat leave? I don't think you'd get social housing so private rental. A 2 bed flat or house, I'd be looking at prices to work out if I could afford them. Your Mum might come around after your baby is born but she might not. If the Dad won't help and your Mum does not want to help you'll be on your own. It's not impossible if you get a good childminder or nursery but it will be hard until they get the subsidised hours. Make the Dad pay maintenance after DC is born. Go through CMS. Just a thought but even if he is not interested in baby, would his family care?

OP is going through a momumental life change and her parent has responded with the silent treatment and utter disappointment, making it very much about her and not the extreme scary emotions OP is having

I don’t think that’s understandable and as a Mother I cannot relate to that at all.

OP is the rent you pay to your mum equivalent or even in the realm of rent for a one bedroom flat or studio in your area as if not you will be very short. Are there any other cheaper areas where you could afford to live and still be close enough to work. Also work nurseries need booking asap as ours way back when had a waiting list for the baby room especially for 5 full days. How much will the nursery cost for full time childcare as they are subsidised not free. Also the dad will need to pay so you need to put in your claim as soon as the baby is born. Get a handle on your finances and move out so your mum can see you as an adult making informed decisions and able to support herself. Atm she probably thinks you're a mess and she'll be picking up the shortfall. Prove her wrong.

Going against the grain I think your mum is being horrible. Yes it's not ideal being a single parent but it's also not the end of the world. You are not a child and she's behaving like you are teenager getting knocked up! I would move out if you can and be independent. You should be allowed to be excited about your baby without your mum dragging you down. It's not 1860 FGS! You aren't shaming the family by being an unwed mother! You're an adult with a job and qualifications - her thoughts and disappointment are selfish and immaterial.

I had a similar reaction from my dad when I unexpectedly fell pregnant and had my daughter at 19, 19 yesrs ago. He did eventually come round and then was excited and absolutely adored her when she was here. It was absolutely tough worrying about being a single mum and it makes it more difficult when you have no support. I stayed with my dad for the first few months which he loved then we moved on to our own place. None of it stopped me progressing in my life or career, as I was determined it wouldn't.

Just give your mum some space and time and hopefully shel come round. If not, maybe it would be best to look for somewhere to move to sooner rather than later as living in a hostile environment won't be nice. I'm sure when she meets her grandchild shel come round.