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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
Youdirtysonofagun · 14/12/2023 00:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Middleagedmeangirls · 14/12/2023 00:17

When we were mid thirties I was desperate for a third child. DH was equally adamant (not like him as he normally lets me make the big decisions) that he wanted to stop at two DC.

I was fairly confident I'd get my way on this one as he is so doctor adverse he hadn't had any sort of medical intervention for over twenty years so o thought if I put the onus of contraception on him I'd win but I was wrong. He decided on a vasectomy, contacted the GP, booked the clinic consultation and took me along. His terror of medical intervention was so extreme that he actually fainted and slid to the floor when the anaesthetic procedure was described to him! But he was so sure about his intentions that he went ahead with the op.

I'm still sad that he made that choice for us over 30 years ago and I still grieve the children we didn't have but I have to respect the strength of his conviction in this situation.

if your DP wasn't prepared to step up and do what was necessary he has to deal with the consequences of his choice. There is no way I would ever have terminated a pregnancy I wanted and my DP's inaction had created.

Stoutster · 14/12/2023 00:22

Lady, tell him. I wish my wife could have more. But you deal with the situation.

MeMySonAnd1 · 14/12/2023 00:22

Bringing a fifth child into the family is a decision that needs to be mutually discussed and as soon as possible.

You say he is a good father but is finding parenthood over whelming and is worried about finances. You are happy with the role of SAHM but do you really know all the ins and outs the family finances? Do you have a good level of control over the money and possible avenues to support your children on your own with only 20% of his salary, which is the maximum child maintenance amount a non resident parent can be forced to pay in the UK?

He may be serious about not really wanting a 5th child and that could be what he considers the straw that would break the camel,s back.

It is very true that he cannot force you to abort, but you cannot force him to stay if the amount of attention the new baby would need for the next three years after you are just coming out of the twins’ terrible twos may cause your relationship to deteriorate.

I know that you think that he is a great dad, who will always put his children first and will NEVER do something like that, but I have not yet found a single divorced woman who has been left that didn’t think the same when taking this kind of life changing decisions.

I wouldn’t wait until January to discuss this, he may feel betrayed and that could put your marriage in a downward spiral that you both may find difficult to escape. Your chances of getting a good resolution on this or even a good separation will depend on how much you feel you can trust each other so it might be better not to hide this from him until January.

Stoutster · 14/12/2023 00:29

Men only leave when lied 2

MeMySonAnd1 · 14/12/2023 00:32

Stoutster · 14/12/2023 00:29

Men only leave when lied 2

Nah, they leave for a multitude of reasons but you are right that when it comes to broken trust, the one that holds the money is the one who is more likely to walk away.

Stoutster · 14/12/2023 00:33

Reasons?

Stoutster · 14/12/2023 00:35

Note Men!😘

Confusedmeanderings · 14/12/2023 00:40

Good luck OP.

WandaWonder · 14/12/2023 00:46

It's all well and good wanting equality but men can't have babies only women, it takes a man to get a women pregnant, but ultimately a woman is the only one that can pregnant

Feminism can't change that no matter how hard they try, if you are pregnant you need to say

Stop playing games

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 14/12/2023 01:27

He should have got the vasectomy if he is positive he wants no more. It is no more your fault than it is his.

Tell him and let the chips fall where they may. Nothing worse than deception in a relationship. Best of luck to you I hope it works out.

Kokeshi123 · 14/12/2023 01:28

Sounds like the pair of you need to be a bit more organized. He should have got the snip. You should have said no to any jollies until the snip was done, OR got a tubal ligation yourself.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 14/12/2023 01:34

EarthSight · 13/12/2023 21:58

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion

Babies should be born of two consenting adults, but at the time, it's very convenient for him to tell you what you should be doing....when he's not the one who would have to go through it, physically.

If he doesn't want more kids that much, quite frankly he should consider not having sex rather than having sex on the presumption he can tell another human being what to do with their own body.....but oh wait! That would mean he would have to sacrifice something....which he's not willing to do. That's your job....apparently? 🤔

Edited

@Mikimoto and @Southpoint this quoted post rebuts your views.

It actually doesn't matter who was using the contraception that failed. It's the woman who is pregnant and the woman who is being pressured into an abortion that she doesn't want. If "D"H was so desperate not to have another child, he should have stopped fucking the OP or got the snip. It's that simple.

heartbroken22 · 14/12/2023 01:46

If it was me I'd keep it a secret until the new year and not spoil Christmas if you know he'll argue.

Could you drop in hints ohh I don't feel so well...I feel nauseous and so tired etc regularly so maybe he takes a hint? Hopefully he'll ask u to take a pregnancy test and you can break the news that way...

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 14/12/2023 01:51

QueenCamilla · 13/12/2023 23:52

This.

No one on here coming out with pearls of "wisdom" such as - if he doesn't like it, he can fuck off - cares about the children. And it's worrying to imagine that many of those posters are mother's themselves...

Oh, how I wish my mum was married to and having sex with a man who actually wanted us. It would have saved a lifetime of heartache, including for my mum who had to rock my brother to sleep when he would cry for daddy at night between ages 5-8.

We used to draw aliens and spaceships together, he'd braid my hair (badly), we went to see Home Alone when it first came out. And then he left. Suddenly and completely. I think I saw him in the street once...

My mum has apologised to my grown self for hoping against hope that he'd be OK with having two children when he wanted none at all.

Mum struggled terribly bringing us up by herself, working two jobs including night shifts. Dad lived out his life child-free, never remarried and died in his early 60s. His name scribbled on a stick and poked into the ground was the only mark for his grave. My brother found out and paid for a proper burial next to his parents (our grandparents) and a headstone. I think he sometimes visits. I've never been.

Someone mentioned misogyny next to my name. I wish it were that simple.

Show quote history

That would be me.

Your mother's situation is not like that of the OP. Your father wasn't coercing your mother into an abortion of a surprise pregnancy with already-born children around, no?

Realistically, if OP doesn't want to abort and "D"H really wants her to, the marriage is over. There's no way that she can love him, touch him ever again, if she aborts against her wishes, so the marriage will be over. And if he leaves because she won't shoulder the consequences of his decision to ejaculate inside her, then the marriage is over.

So unless he comes around to having this baby, the already-here children are facing parental divorce, with or without a new sibling. The OP's decision, if "D"H takes this badly, is whether to break her own heart by aborting or make her life harder by giving birth.

I'd have left when he first tried to tell me that I'd "have to" abort if the condoms failed, but then I saw what an unhappy marriage did to my mum.

SunRainStorm · 14/12/2023 02:01

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 13/12/2023 23:31

tell her DH and take it from there.

That in itself is starting to bother me. All the stress and difficulty of this situation is being dumped straight onto DH.

She's taking him problems not solutions, she's not sharing the load. I suspect the reason she knows he's going to be pretty upset is because DC number 5 is self evidently a terrible idea.

One possibility is they live in an 8 bedroom house and already have a minibus as a family car and her husband just finds one extra mildly inconvenient and is unreasonably insisting he has his own way.

Another, more likely possibility, is when DH said the OP would need an abortion he was just stating a blatantly obvious fact - they can't cope with one more. He's just the messenger.

If not coping with one more is a 'blatantly obvious fact' then he should have had his vasectomy.

Instead of preventing this 'problem' with a minor medical procedure, he decided that his wife (whose body has already carried many wanted children, including a twin pregnancy) should cop the physical hit once more.

Honestly, fuck that guy. Hes put all the family planning onto her, when he is the one that feels strongly about not having another child.

SunRainStorm · 14/12/2023 02:05

Stoutster · 14/12/2023 00:29

Men only leave when lied 2

lol. Men leave for all kinds of reasons. As do women.

She isn't even lying BTW. It's her medical information and she's choosing not to share it until she feels ready.

She knows her husband and family best.

Stoutster · 14/12/2023 02:14

Name reasons why?

Panaa · 14/12/2023 02:44

Kokeshi123 · 14/12/2023 01:28

Sounds like the pair of you need to be a bit more organized. He should have got the snip. You should have said no to any jollies until the snip was done, OR got a tubal ligation yourself.

Why should she have got a tubal ligation when she was open to more children and it was her husband who was adamant he didn't?
Would they even have done a tubal ligation on her if she wasn't completely adamant she didn't want more children?

Also perhaps she enjoys having a sex life? And if she had refused to have sex even when he wore a condom until he got a vasectomy then she would have had people accusing her of coercion by withholding sex.

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 02:55

Panaa · 14/12/2023 02:44

Why should she have got a tubal ligation when she was open to more children and it was her husband who was adamant he didn't?
Would they even have done a tubal ligation on her if she wasn't completely adamant she didn't want more children?

Also perhaps she enjoys having a sex life? And if she had refused to have sex even when he wore a condom until he got a vasectomy then she would have had people accusing her of coercion by withholding sex.

Show quote history

Because bringing any more DC into a family where you have SN, multiples, a dad who doesn't want any more DC, and one single breadwinner is utter madness. I am all for men taking responsibility for their fertility. But OPs decision to go on being "open to children" is irresponsible too.

In this situation, I would have doubled up on contraception somehow because the consequences of having any more are terrible. I don't think there are any good outcomes.

slore · 14/12/2023 03:10

Diaria · 13/12/2023 21:21

@Carpediemmakeitcount

Neurodiversity will not show up on the tests in pregnancy.

It will all look healthy and normal.

Then the problems begin from about 18months - 6years depending on which condition is involved.

Her youngest three aren’t even old enough yet whereby you could rule it out for them.

That’s where the major concern is really.

They have an 8yr old with autism.

They have a 5 year old just starting school and two 2 year olds, concerns may not be raised about any of them for a while yet.…

If having to have another I would have at least waited until the 2 year olds had made it to year 1 or 2 to be sure of no major issues…..

As it stands she could very well have 5-6 ND kids. Meeting all those needs as essentially a sole carer, it’s next to impossible.

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You need to stop banging on about how all of OPs children are going to be disabled. You have no evidence of this. It's statistically more likely that they will all be healthy.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 03:19

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 02:55

Because bringing any more DC into a family where you have SN, multiples, a dad who doesn't want any more DC, and one single breadwinner is utter madness. I am all for men taking responsibility for their fertility. But OPs decision to go on being "open to children" is irresponsible too.

In this situation, I would have doubled up on contraception somehow because the consequences of having any more are terrible. I don't think there are any good outcomes.

Show quote history

She wasn't actively trying. Being 'open to them' could have just been a fantasy or simply a feeling which lasts until it passes....and it remains just a fantasy except in the case of an unplanned pregnancy.

Perhaps she trusted the condoms, Her husband trusted them even though he was adamant he didn't want any more so I can see how someone who isn't completely adamant wouldn't feel necessary to double up on contraception, especially when contraception for women can have side effects.

Also the 'doubling up' would not be equal. There's no risks of side effects for him, the woman has to deal with them all.

Maybe he should have doubled up himself and wore those heated boxers 🤔

Kokeshi123 · 14/12/2023 03:25

And if she had refused to have sex even when he wore a condom until he got a vasectomy then she would have had people accusing her of coercion by withholding sex.

Please link to a single example on here of a thread where someone was criticized for using sex as coercion for the reason of "husband won't get a vasectomy."

I mean, seriously, please link to a thread where someone says that. I've never seen such an attitude once. Refusing to have sex with a guy who won't get the snip when the couple is not in a position to have more kids is completely reasonable behavior.

I think the OP was secretly half-hoping this would happen, which is why she went ahead and had sex. She and her husband have both been really foolish.

Five children, including 2yo twins and a child with SN, is enough to end a lot of marriages.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 04:10

@Kokeshi123
I definitely saw a thread where that was said in the past few months.
In fairness though, thinking back, it was possibly those male posters who pretend to be women who said it.

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 04:26

Contraception for women may have side effects, but so will continuing to have DC that one parent does not want and who may have SN. Pretty severe side effects on your existing family.