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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
Southpoint · 14/12/2023 09:49

The man does not even know she is pregnant. We do not really know all the facts. May be he accepts the baby.

As a rule for me. Because I as a woman is the one who would get pregnant and bear the consequences. I always made sure I use contraception if I do not want to get pregnant. Even if the man uses a condom or have a vasectomy (apparently not 100 percent reliable either) Also, I would never risk getting pregnant if my husband is not happy with it. Of course that is just me but in a healthy relationship you need to be in agreement to bring a child to this world.

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 09:58

Oliotya · 14/12/2023 09:47

Right to make the choice =/= making the right choice.
If people don't want opinions, they should stay off internet forums.
And abortion is not murder. I suspect you are not pro choice, so stop with that inflammatory nonsense.

Show quote history

I am 100% pro choice.

If the OP had posted saying, "My contraception has failed and I am pregnant, I have four children and really don't want a fifth but I know that my husband won't support me having an abortion and will want me to have the baby" I would advise her to have the abortion without even telling him.

There comes a point, for both men and women, where the choice about whether to have a baby or not is no longer yours.

For women, that point is after the legal limit for abortion has passed.

For men, that point is when you have sex, particularly if you have refused to get a vasectomy.

And I did not say abortion was murder. I said that people using emotionally loaded language to try to coerce the OP into having an abortion she doesn't want are no better than the people who use emotionally loaded language to coerce women into keeping babies they don't want.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/12/2023 10:13

FWIW I'm pretty much against abortion but based on what little we know this is a case where it's the right thing to do IMHO. ...and if it's done early enough it's not very different to the morning after pill, is it?

If it turns out they live in an 8 bedroom house, have two au pairs and DH earns £800k pa my view would change. In fact I suspect they are already beyond their capacity and one more is going to be a disaster. I also suspect the reason the OP knows DH is going to be opposed to the idea is because it's obviously insane. Akin to the OP claiming her husband is forcing her to wear a raincoat when in reality it's raining and all he's doing is pointing out the fact it's raining.

jadey1991 · 14/12/2023 10:16

Have I missed something here. I'm sure OP said she wants the baby but her husband doesn't.

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 10:20

jadey1991 · 14/12/2023 10:16

Have I missed something here. I'm sure OP said she wants the baby but her husband doesn't.

The OP wants the baby.

Her husband doesn't know about it yet but has previously said that she would have to get an abortion if she had an accidental pregnancy, despite the fact that she wanted him to get a vasectomy and he refused.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 14/12/2023 10:21

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/12/2023 08:41

How is saying she wants to have this baby absolving herself of responsibility? She's literally accepting the responsibility for raising it to adulthood.

She's not taking much responsibility at all. She's demanding that her husband provide the home and finance everything. She's put zero thought into how it's going to work, just passing the whole shot storm onto him. The only question is whether she makes it all his problem before or after Christmas.

DH has a way to make it her responsibility but that's not pretty either.

She's not taking much responsibility at all.

Apart from doing all the wifework and childcare. The number of posters on here who think that the work women do within the home is worthless is most instructive. Misogyny is alive and kicking on Mumsnet.

Zonder · 14/12/2023 10:26

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 08:30

what LA? and i’m not talking as a short term temporary measure

and if the child is in such a serious position as to not even be able to function in a special school, then that puts an even more disturbing slant on this scenario. For the children that is

Show quote history

There isn't space in special schools and they're not appropriate for all children who can't function in mainstream.

One example from my caseload is the boy who moved from another county where he had been in a special school. It took a year to find space for him here so in that year he had tutors at home funded via his ehcp.

Another example is a girl with anxiety so bad she can't get into school. Not a special school candidate. LA funded tutors for her until she could get back into school.

Both of these cases were for more than a year so not that short term.

This is an interesting article on using ehcp funding for tutoring:
https://www.eteach.com/blog/your-guide-to-ehcp-funding-for-tutoring

It is called EOTAS (Education Other Than At School). Lots of options including tutoring, funded through EHCP.

Your guide to EHCP funding for tutoring | Eteach

Did you know that EHCP funding can be used by schools to cover tutoring costs? Lucy Alexandra Spencer explains how.

https://www.eteach.com/blog/your-guide-to-ehcp-funding-for-tutoring

MeMySonAnd1 · 14/12/2023 10:29

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 14/12/2023 01:34

@Mikimoto and @Southpoint this quoted post rebuts your views.

It actually doesn't matter who was using the contraception that failed. It's the woman who is pregnant and the woman who is being pressured into an abortion that she doesn't want. If "D"H was so desperate not to have another child, he should have stopped fucking the OP or got the snip. It's that simple.

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It is also the woman who will be left with the lion’s share of the responsibility to bring up and financially support the children if he walks away.

She is already fully dependant on him, he is holding more power than people are assuming in this thread. He cannot force her to abort but she cannot force him to stay, the sooner she tells him the more likely they could continue to trust each other, that they could explain the reasons they hold pro and against having a 5th baby and find what works best for the family as a whole.

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 10:35

I mean, what the OP really should have done was say, "no snip, no sex", but it's too late for that now.

MeMySonAnd1 · 14/12/2023 10:40

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 14/12/2023 10:21

She's not taking much responsibility at all.

Apart from doing all the wifework and childcare. The number of posters on here who think that the work women do within the home is worthless is most instructive. Misogyny is alive and kicking on Mumsnet.

Show quote history

I don’t think that is what she was implying, the work the woman does in the house is very valuable but I bet she will struggle to keep a roof over her head, feed and provide for 5 children and finding the time to work and raise them considering that lone parent benefits are these days limited to two children (no increases for a third, fourth or fifth child) and the same applies for child maintenance, maximum amount a non resident parent can be forced to pay whether they have 2 or 25 children is 20% of their salary AFTER taxes, if he has other children with another woman or the new woman has a child from a previous relationship, he would be allowed to reduce the amount even further). If he owns the company or works cash in hand, it would be almost impossible even to get this.

Becoming a SAHP involves giving all the power to the other person and praying they are decent enough, in years to come, not to abuse it.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/12/2023 11:04

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2023 09:39

Or he can say that was never our agreement, our agreement was I work and you do kids so I'll have the middle child one night a week, eldest is hard work so I'll take middle and eldest out for dinner once a week, twins are too young so I'll take them all out once a month and I'm not interested in the baby. And I'm paying basic CM because I still need to provide myself with a three bed house for when the twins are older

Show quote history

I wonder why my neighbour looks so hard done by? He's telling anyone who will listen that his ex-wife has bled him dry and she gets the marital home.

The op should look into work she can do from home that will bring in money. From what people are saying on here the situation is doomed anyway if she decides to keep the baby or not. In my opinion, I don't think he will leave and I don't think his family will encourage him to leave either too embarrassing and who will want him after he fucked her up. My neighbour is paying for 2 houses and his girlfriend's house when he visits her. All the op needs is a solicitor to bleed him dry.

KeepGoingThomas · 14/12/2023 11:20

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 06:39

So on top of 5 children, he will be paying for a private specialist home tutor (no LA will pay for a private home tutor!)

Show quote history

no LA will pay for a private home tutor!

You are wrong, they do. A growing number of pupils have EOTAS packages. Some of those packages include home tuition. DS1 has an EOTAS package which includes home tuition and I shave supported many other parents to secure EOTAS with home tuition included.

jadey1991 · 14/12/2023 11:37

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 10:20

The OP wants the baby.

Her husband doesn't know about it yet but has previously said that she would have to get an abortion if she had an accidental pregnancy, despite the fact that she wanted him to get a vasectomy and he refused.

Show quote history

Thanks for the update.

To be honest op you need to think long and hard about your decision

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 11:45

KeepGoingThomas · 14/12/2023 11:20

no LA will pay for a private home tutor!

You are wrong, they do. A growing number of pupils have EOTAS packages. Some of those packages include home tuition. DS1 has an EOTAS package which includes home tuition and I shave supported many other parents to secure EOTAS with home tuition included.

Show quote history

and what level of severity is your son?

KeepGoingThomas · 14/12/2023 11:46

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 11:45

and what level of severity is your son?

Show quote history

How is that in any way relevant?

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 11:47

Zonder · 14/12/2023 10:26

There isn't space in special schools and they're not appropriate for all children who can't function in mainstream.

One example from my caseload is the boy who moved from another county where he had been in a special school. It took a year to find space for him here so in that year he had tutors at home funded via his ehcp.

Another example is a girl with anxiety so bad she can't get into school. Not a special school candidate. LA funded tutors for her until she could get back into school.

Both of these cases were for more than a year so not that short term.

This is an interesting article on using ehcp funding for tutoring:
https://www.eteach.com/blog/your-guide-to-ehcp-funding-for-tutoring

It is called EOTAS (Education Other Than At School). Lots of options including tutoring, funded through EHCP.

Edited
Show quote history

My point is

The OP’s first child clearly has a ND that is of such a severity that a special school is not appropriate for him. So the LA funds a home tutor.

And in this home tutoring environment, the OP and her husband have 3 toddlers and a newborn on the way.

Carnage

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 11:49

KeepGoingThomas · 14/12/2023 11:46

How is that in any way relevant?

Show quote history

because…. presumably very severe. And yet the OP went on to have three toddlers and now another whoopsie.

What kind of education will the child be getting in this scenario?

and we haven’t even had clarity from the OP whether it is a home tutor or her home schooling, which would be another level of irresponsibility

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 11:50

i will bow out

it’s just become a load of speculation and debate about abortion now

KeepGoingThomas · 14/12/2023 11:51

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 11:49

because…. presumably very severe. And yet the OP went on to have three toddlers and now another whoopsie.

What kind of education will the child be getting in this scenario?

and we haven’t even had clarity from the OP whether it is a home tutor or her home schooling, which would be another level of irresponsibility

Show quote history

None of which is relevant to you incorrectly stating LAs don’t fund home tuition. They do.

EOTAS is for when it is inappropriate for the provision to take place in a school or college. That applies whatever the child or young person’s needs.

MeMySonAnd1 · 14/12/2023 11:52

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/12/2023 11:04

I wonder why my neighbour looks so hard done by? He's telling anyone who will listen that his ex-wife has bled him dry and she gets the marital home.

The op should look into work she can do from home that will bring in money. From what people are saying on here the situation is doomed anyway if she decides to keep the baby or not. In my opinion, I don't think he will leave and I don't think his family will encourage him to leave either too embarrassing and who will want him after he fucked her up. My neighbour is paying for 2 houses and his girlfriend's house when he visits her. All the op needs is a solicitor to bleed him dry.

Show quote history

I wonder why my neighbour looks so hard done by? He's telling anyone who will listen that his ex-wife has bled him dry and she gets the marital home.

When they complain, they all say that, unless he is totally loaded but even so, he won't be asked to hand anything closer to half of his income at all. Probably a bigger chunk of the house but even so, she would have had to buy him out.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/12/2023 11:53

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 11:50

i will bow out

it’s just become a load of speculation and debate about abortion now

You were part of the argument????

HeraSyndulla · 14/12/2023 11:57

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/12/2023 11:04

I wonder why my neighbour looks so hard done by? He's telling anyone who will listen that his ex-wife has bled him dry and she gets the marital home.

The op should look into work she can do from home that will bring in money. From what people are saying on here the situation is doomed anyway if she decides to keep the baby or not. In my opinion, I don't think he will leave and I don't think his family will encourage him to leave either too embarrassing and who will want him after he fucked her up. My neighbour is paying for 2 houses and his girlfriend's house when he visits her. All the op needs is a solicitor to bleed him dry.

Show quote history

As MeMySonAnd1 has noted : - ........... lone parent benefits are these days limited to two children (no increases for a third, fourth or fifth child) and the same applies for child maintenance, maximum amount a non resident parent can be forced to pay whether they have 2 or 25 children is 20% of their salary AFTER taxes, if he has other children with another woman or the new woman has a child from a previous relationship, he would be allowed to reduce the amount even further). If he owns the company, is self-employed or works cash in hand, it maybe almost impossible even to get this.

Also, assuming he will pay the mortgage on the FMH is not a given either as he will need to provide accommodation for himself and the means to get to work.

Essentially you can't bleed somebody dry of resources they don't have or demand funding beyond the legal parameters.

And as for him not leaving. Resentment isn't a one-way street. It builds up over time until you get to a tipping point. Remember he's finding being a father "challenging " in the first place and having another small child to cope with maybe just that catalyst. And you don't give monkeys what your parents or anybody else thinks at that point.

WhatInTheAcasIsGoingOn · 14/12/2023 12:00

This with fucking bells on. I told my husband that if he really didn't want any more children, after over 15 years together it was his turn to sort contraception or get the snip. I'd done my bit and if he impregnated me again (cos let's face it ladies, it's their doing!) I would not be aborting.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/12/2023 12:01

MeMySonAnd1 · 14/12/2023 11:52

I wonder why my neighbour looks so hard done by? He's telling anyone who will listen that his ex-wife has bled him dry and she gets the marital home.

When they complain, they all say that, unless he is totally loaded but even so, he won't be asked to hand anything closer to half of his income at all. Probably a bigger chunk of the house but even so, she would have had to buy him out.

Show quote history

Plus pension etc etc etc. She has kept the marital home and he has bought the house next door to us. They owned a second property. He sold their second property to buy it. She used a solicitor and she got everything from him that she's entitled to.

The op could sell or remortgage. She has options.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/12/2023 12:19

HeraSyndulla · 14/12/2023 11:57

As MeMySonAnd1 has noted : - ........... lone parent benefits are these days limited to two children (no increases for a third, fourth or fifth child) and the same applies for child maintenance, maximum amount a non resident parent can be forced to pay whether they have 2 or 25 children is 20% of their salary AFTER taxes, if he has other children with another woman or the new woman has a child from a previous relationship, he would be allowed to reduce the amount even further). If he owns the company, is self-employed or works cash in hand, it maybe almost impossible even to get this.

Also, assuming he will pay the mortgage on the FMH is not a given either as he will need to provide accommodation for himself and the means to get to work.

Essentially you can't bleed somebody dry of resources they don't have or demand funding beyond the legal parameters.

And as for him not leaving. Resentment isn't a one-way street. It builds up over time until you get to a tipping point. Remember he's finding being a father "challenging " in the first place and having another small child to cope with maybe just that catalyst. And you don't give monkeys what your parents or anybody else thinks at that point.

Show quote history

If he decides to leave because he can't cope with family life then the op will have to get a job or work for herself. The op is relying on a man who can't step up and follow through. If she wants to keep the baby then she will have to start planning on how she is going to support her family. She can't rely on benefits.