Page 19 | How do I break the news to my husband?

Rainbowdaisys · 2023-12-12T20:14:54+00:00

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy. My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant. I haven't told him, and I don't know how. He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion. I'd never want this. I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him. With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year. I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts. But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around. Any advise?

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 08:51

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/12/2023 08:41

How is saying she wants to have this baby absolving herself of responsibility? She's literally accepting the responsibility for raising it to adulthood.

She's not taking much responsibility at all. She's demanding that her husband provide the home and finance everything. She's put zero thought into how it's going to work, just passing the whole shot storm onto him. The only question is whether she makes it all his problem before or after Christmas.

DH has a way to make it her responsibility but that's not pretty either.

Her husband is already doing that.

If the difference between providing for four children and providing for five children is a dealbreaker for him, he SHOULD HAVE GOT THE VASECTOMY.

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 08:53

BlazingJune · 14/12/2023 08:39

Because if he thought a 5th kid was that much of a bad idea, he should have got a vasectomy instead of opting to use a method of contraception with a fairly high failure rate and relying on the OP to have a termination in case of an accidental pregnancy.

I don't think it is fair to ask a man to destroy his fertility if he's against that. Many men ask for reversals if they divorce or are widowed and want more children.

Condoms are 85% reliable BUT the failure rate is supposedly down to incorrect or no use. Splitting is the only true failure. That is visible, and women can take the MAP.

A lot of couples say they 'use' condoms.

In reality, what they mean is 'sometimes' and 'sometimes they can't be bothered and take a chance'.

OR it's worn too late after there's already been some intimacy.

The OP hasn't said which of these happened to them.

The real issue is that as a couple they aren't in agreement. If I was with a man who'd push me towards an abortion, I'd be using my own form of contraception, not relying on him, or not be married to him at all!

Woah. Wait.

So according to a lot of people on this thread the OP should have an abortion because her husband shouldn't be expected to support five children, but her husband is reasonable not to want to have a vasectomy in case he later changes his mind about not wanting more children, even though he already has four children to support and has said he doesn't want anymore?

The double standards on this thread are UNREAL.

PinkNailpolish · 14/12/2023 08:53

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 13/12/2023 23:35

And 50:50 custody done really properly requires two six bedroom houses. Is the OP a WAG and forgot to mention it?

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Why would they need 6 bedrooms? The parent has one bedroom and three other bedrooms could be shared between the 5 children.

However, the biggest issue is whether more of her children end up with complex SEN like her eldest. Considering autism is genetic, at least one (if not most or all) of her children could also have SEN. OP and her husband are also older parents which increases the likelihood of disabilites. OP says she's financially secure because of her husband's salary. She won't be if her husband leaves her and only pays the minimum child maintenance. I really feel for the four children.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/12/2023 09:02

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 08:51

Her husband is already doing that.

If the difference between providing for four children and providing for five children is a dealbreaker for him, he SHOULD HAVE GOT THE VASECTOMY.

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Blame is Irrelevant though. What matters is what they decide to do. How they got here is history.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/12/2023 09:03

PinkNailpolish · 14/12/2023 08:53

Why would they need 6 bedrooms? The parent has one bedroom and three other bedrooms could be shared between the 5 children.

However, the biggest issue is whether more of her children end up with complex SEN like her eldest. Considering autism is genetic, at least one (if not most or all) of her children could also have SEN. OP and her husband are also older parents which increases the likelihood of disabilites. OP says she's financially secure because of her husband's salary. She won't be if her husband leaves her and only pays the minimum child maintenance. I really feel for the four children.

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1 bedroom per child.

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 09:04

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/12/2023 09:02

Blame is Irrelevant though. What matters is what they decide to do. How they got here is history.

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The OP has already decided what she wants to do though.

Why is everyone giving advice she hasn't asked for?

MrsMorrisey · 14/12/2023 09:05

I am surprised you're even having sex with kids that young.
And you must be very fertile.

In terms of vasectomy, my husband never got round to having one which is why I never get round to having sex 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
Menopause is kicking in soon so won't be long.
Good luck OP.

wite · 14/12/2023 09:07

Just tell him x

Oliotya · 14/12/2023 09:11

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 09:04

The OP has already decided what she wants to do though.

Why is everyone giving advice she hasn't asked for?

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Are you new to mumsnet?

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 09:12

Oliotya · 14/12/2023 09:11

Are you new to mumsnet?

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Of course not. Just surprised and disappointed to see how many women here are not actually pro choice.

winowin · 14/12/2023 09:14

@Rainbowdaisys
You say you found out you were pregnant a few weeks ago. How far along are you?

Is it your plan to tell him in the new year really to hide the pregnancy until a termination is no longer an option?

Oliotya · 14/12/2023 09:18

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 09:12

Of course not. Just surprised and disappointed to see how many women here are not actually pro choice.

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Being pro choice doesn't mean we have to agree with every choice.

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 09:18

Finlesswonder · 14/12/2023 06:44

@MotherofGorgons
confused how a man who wanted 1 DC has ended up with 5. With that kind of fertility...
OP says:
All our children were planned and tried hard for

But she also said he was happy with one and done, so what happened there? He kept planning and actively trying for children he didn't want?

Sholkedabemus · 14/12/2023 09:19

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 05:19

Yes @Sholkedabemus I do because I have had one. Best thing I did. It doesn't fuck up everybody.

Personally, I think having unwanted DC with possible SN "fucks up" both the new DC and the existing DC.

Bully for you. Not everyone is the same. 🙄

Finlesswonder · 14/12/2023 09:21

I'm finding it hard to believe that someone who says they had to try hard for their children got miraculously pregnant using a condom.

It's also strange that with every pregnancy you have waited to "surprise" him

PinkNailpolish · 14/12/2023 09:21

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/12/2023 09:03

1 bedroom per child.

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In the real world it's normal for two sisters or two brothers to share a bedroom. On MN you have to give each child their own double room with ensuite.

Calliopespa · 14/12/2023 09:26

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 09:12

Of course not. Just surprised and disappointed to see how many women here are not actually pro choice.

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For me it’s also some discussion I feel squeamish about around how “have-able” OP’s children are. MN does weigh in off topic but I do think when she hadn’t asked for opinions on that, that is just a step too far. That’s not to say a degree of pragmatism around reproduction isn’t a good general position; but some of the implications are quite hurtful - and hurtful is all very well when bang on topic and the feedback that was asked for. But OP knows her children and their “manageability “ and that’s not on the table for discussion.

BalletBob · 14/12/2023 09:26

winowin · 14/12/2023 09:14

@Rainbowdaisys
You say you found out you were pregnant a few weeks ago. How far along are you?

Is it your plan to tell him in the new year really to hide the pregnancy until a termination is no longer an option?

This would be a perfectly reasonable course of action if she suspects he will attempt to bully her into an abortion she doesn't want. After all, her body and her choice. He had his chance to prevent a pregnancy at the point of conception.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2023 09:30

BlazingJune · 14/12/2023 08:39

Because if he thought a 5th kid was that much of a bad idea, he should have got a vasectomy instead of opting to use a method of contraception with a fairly high failure rate and relying on the OP to have a termination in case of an accidental pregnancy.

I don't think it is fair to ask a man to destroy his fertility if he's against that. Many men ask for reversals if they divorce or are widowed and want more children.

Condoms are 85% reliable BUT the failure rate is supposedly down to incorrect or no use. Splitting is the only true failure. That is visible, and women can take the MAP.

A lot of couples say they 'use' condoms.

In reality, what they mean is 'sometimes' and 'sometimes they can't be bothered and take a chance'.

OR it's worn too late after there's already been some intimacy.

The OP hasn't said which of these happened to them.

The real issue is that as a couple they aren't in agreement. If I was with a man who'd push me towards an abortion, I'd be using my own form of contraception, not relying on him, or not be married to him at all!

So he's got 4 kids, doesn't want any more. He shouldn't have to destroy his fertility, he should just get her to have abortions every time an accident happens, in case one day he leaves her and wants to make new babies with someone else?

Thankfully DH is a better man. He has three kids. He wanted two. He got three, he doesn't want anymore so he had a vasectomy. If we break up and he meets someone else, he wouldn't have children with her knowing he's already got three to he responsible for.

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 09:30

Sholkedabemus · 14/12/2023 09:19

Bully for you. Not everyone is the same. 🙄

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Of course. Which is why" Do you know how much abortion fucks women up" doesn't apply to everyone either.

May or may not apply to OP. We don't know really.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2023 09:33

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 05:28

Just saw that she has already decided to tell him, which is the right decision. Ruining Xmas shouldn't be a consideration. As pp said, I am also confused how a man who wanted 1 DC has ended up with 5. With that kind of fertility, some foolproof contraception should have been in place by both.

Like a vasectomy?

I assume he was one and done, they talked, he changed his mind/ was willing to have another. They had two and either same again or given the short gap he had a moment of madness

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2023 09:39

Carpediemmakeitcount · 13/12/2023 21:49

She wants to keep the baby and he doesn't. He chooses to leave 50/50 shared care or 70/30 because of homeschooling doesn't sound to bad. Half her week and half his week will be quiet time. She can work when he has their children.

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Or he can say that was never our agreement, our agreement was I work and you do kids so I'll have the middle child one night a week, eldest is hard work so I'll take middle and eldest out for dinner once a week, twins are too young so I'll take them all out once a month and I'm not interested in the baby. And I'm paying basic CM because I still need to provide myself with a three bed house for when the twins are older

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 09:42

Oliotya · 14/12/2023 09:18

Being pro choice doesn't mean we have to agree with every choice.

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Being pro choice means you respect the woman's right to choose whether or not she has a baby, indeed, whether you agree with her choice or not.

Trying to talk a woman out of a choice she has apparently already made is not pro choice. It's really no better than repeatedly asking a woman who has decided to have a termination whether she's really sure she wants to murder her unborn child.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2023 09:42

Redebs · 13/12/2023 21:09

She doesn't want to have an abortion. It's not a minor thing. Her husband wants her to do it against her wishes.

Just as any woman should he able to end an unwanted pregnancy at the beginning, so should any woman be allowed to continue to nurture, protect and give birth if she wishes. Regardless of money. Money is nothing compared to that.

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TBF to him, he wants her to have a abortion. It seems reasonable to assume that he wants her to want an abortion because of their circumstances. Until they have the actual conversation where she says no and he says I don't care, I expect you to anyway, he's only a man with an opinion, not an abusive dick trying to force her into abortion.
There's nothing to suggest she can't complete this pregnancy. He just doesn't have to stay around and watch it

Oliotya · 14/12/2023 09:47

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 09:42

Being pro choice means you respect the woman's right to choose whether or not she has a baby, indeed, whether you agree with her choice or not.

Trying to talk a woman out of a choice she has apparently already made is not pro choice. It's really no better than repeatedly asking a woman who has decided to have a termination whether she's really sure she wants to murder her unborn child.

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Right to make the choice =/= making the right choice.
If people don't want opinions, they should stay off internet forums.
And abortion is not murder. I suspect you are not pro choice, so stop with that inflammatory nonsense.