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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
Panaa · 14/12/2023 04:37

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 04:26

Contraception for women may have side effects, but so will continuing to have DC that one parent does not want and who may have SN. Pretty severe side effects on your existing family.

And so will having an abortion.

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 04:51

As I said, no ideal outcome here, but in this situation, I would definitely have an abortion. OP hasn't given any good reasons for not having one except a moral reluctance. I know on MN people are very much ' A woman's body is her own' but surely there are other considerations as well in this situation.All the posters asking her to have the baby and leave: a single woman with no job, 5 DC, twins and at least one with SN? Though I think the DH will leave first.

A reminder then that man or woman, one should only have sex with people on the same page about abortion. That's the OP and her DHs fault really.

Kokeshi123 · 14/12/2023 05:04

A woman's body is her own in all cases. But in this case, the OP would be wiser to make her own decision to end her own pregnancy in her own body.

If she doesn't want to, obviously nobody can force her to.

Sholkedabemus · 14/12/2023 05:04

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 04:51

As I said, no ideal outcome here, but in this situation, I would definitely have an abortion. OP hasn't given any good reasons for not having one except a moral reluctance. I know on MN people are very much ' A woman's body is her own' but surely there are other considerations as well in this situation.All the posters asking her to have the baby and leave: a single woman with no job, 5 DC, twins and at least one with SN? Though I think the DH will leave first.

A reminder then that man or woman, one should only have sex with people on the same page about abortion. That's the OP and her DHs fault really.

You would definitely have an abortion.

Said so casually! Have you any idea how much an abortion fucks you up?

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 05:19

Yes @Sholkedabemus I do because I have had one. Best thing I did. It doesn't fuck up everybody.

Personally, I think having unwanted DC with possible SN "fucks up" both the new DC and the existing DC.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 05:23

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 04:51

As I said, no ideal outcome here, but in this situation, I would definitely have an abortion. OP hasn't given any good reasons for not having one except a moral reluctance. I know on MN people are very much ' A woman's body is her own' but surely there are other considerations as well in this situation.All the posters asking her to have the baby and leave: a single woman with no job, 5 DC, twins and at least one with SN? Though I think the DH will leave first.

A reminder then that man or woman, one should only have sex with people on the same page about abortion. That's the OP and her DHs fault really.

Ok but you're you and you're not the OP.
OP doesn't need to give all of her reasons here or spill out her whole heart and soul on here, she has sought advice from a friend and a charity and then decided to ask MN should she tell him or wait.

He might leave, but he might leave anyway regardless of what happens with this baby. And if she chooses not to have the baby the relationship could deteriorate to the point he leaves anyway, then she's single with no job, 4 DC, twins and at least one with SN and possible a lot of inner turmoil from the abortion.

You are right that there's no ideal outcome here unless he somehow is actually on board with having the baby, or unless the OP chooses not to have the baby and is actually ok with the decision.

But she wasn't actually asking would people on here get an abortion if they were on her shoes, she was just asking if people would tell the husband now or later and how to go about it.

adomizo · 14/12/2023 05:24

I can't see how he will be any more receptive if you wait. I agree with others re finances and as a SAHM you are very vulnerable financially. Your kids are young now but trust me, I have a big family, they get so much more expensive. And all this financial pressure is on your DH. He didn't take enough responsibility for preventing this but then this seems to tie into his parenting style anyway.

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 05:28

Just saw that she has already decided to tell him, which is the right decision. Ruining Xmas shouldn't be a consideration. As pp said, I am also confused how a man who wanted 1 DC has ended up with 5. With that kind of fertility, some foolproof contraception should have been in place by both.

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 06:12

i would just love to know how much home schooling is done by the OP. Currently with a 3 year old and 2 year old twins.

and in less than a years time with a new born thrown in to the mix.

Zonder · 14/12/2023 06:35

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 06:12

i would just love to know how much home schooling is done by the OP. Currently with a 3 year old and 2 year old twins.

and in less than a years time with a new born thrown in to the mix.

I'm not sure she is homeschooling. This is what she said:
The 8 year old has autism and has to be home tutored due to her needs.
It sounded to me like she has home tutors which means mum just has to be around when they come, not actually homeschooling herself.

Zonder · 14/12/2023 06:36

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 05:28

Just saw that she has already decided to tell him, which is the right decision. Ruining Xmas shouldn't be a consideration. As pp said, I am also confused how a man who wanted 1 DC has ended up with 5. With that kind of fertility, some foolproof contraception should have been in place by both.

Yes! If only he hadn't rejected the snip idea he might have got what he wanted!

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 06:39

Zonder · 14/12/2023 06:35

I'm not sure she is homeschooling. This is what she said:
The 8 year old has autism and has to be home tutored due to her needs.
It sounded to me like she has home tutors which means mum just has to be around when they come, not actually homeschooling herself.

Show quote history

So on top of 5 children, he will be paying for a private specialist home tutor (no LA will pay for a private home tutor!)

Zonder · 14/12/2023 06:42

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 06:39

So on top of 5 children, he will be paying for a private specialist home tutor (no LA will pay for a private home tutor!)

Show quote history

This is absolutely not true. There are lots of cases where LA has to pay for a tutor. I've got a few of those on my caseload right now. Particularly in situations of ASC where the child can't actually manage school at the moment.

Finlesswonder · 14/12/2023 06:44

@MotherofGorgons
confused how a man who wanted 1 DC has ended up with 5. With that kind of fertility...
OP says:
All our children were planned and tried hard for

Oliotya · 14/12/2023 06:51

Finlesswonder · 14/12/2023 06:44

@MotherofGorgons
confused how a man who wanted 1 DC has ended up with 5. With that kind of fertility...
OP says:
All our children were planned and tried hard for

Except for the surprise twin, and current unplanned pregnancy. The man tried for 3, and is ending up with 5.

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 07:01

Oliotya · 14/12/2023 06:51

Except for the surprise twin, and current unplanned pregnancy. The man tried for 3, and is ending up with 5.

Show quote history

BECAUSE HE CHOSE NOT TO HAVE A VASECTOMY.

Oliotya · 14/12/2023 07:06

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 07:01

BECAUSE HE CHOSE NOT TO HAVE A VASECTOMY.

Show quote history

He used a condom. And TBH, even if he didn't, I'd think a 5th kid was a sit idea. Women don't get to absolve themselves of responsibility just because men do.

RedHelenB · 14/12/2023 07:15

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2023 20:55

Just tell him. You know you want the baby. You know it won’t really matter when you tell him. What’s the worst he’ll do?

This.

MargotBamborough · 14/12/2023 08:20

Oliotya · 14/12/2023 07:06

He used a condom. And TBH, even if he didn't, I'd think a 5th kid was a sit idea. Women don't get to absolve themselves of responsibility just because men do.

Show quote history

How is saying she wants to have this baby absolving herself of responsibility? She's literally accepting the responsibility for raising it to adulthood.

It doesn't really matter whether you think a 5th kid is a bad idea, or even really whether he thinks it is a bad idea. Because if he thought a 5th kid was that much of a bad idea, he should have got a vasectomy instead of opting to use a method of contraception with a fairly high failure rate and relying on the OP to have a termination in case of an accidental pregnancy.

The OP has taken responsibility for the condom failure, but because the embryo is in her body and not his, she gets to decide whether that means having an abortion or raising a 5th baby.

He doesn't get to decide, because he had the chance to get a vasectomy and if he had done that the OP wouldn't be pregnant. So now he has to go along with what she decides.

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 08:27

Yes, he has to go along with what she decides, but she can't stop him from leaving.

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 08:30

Zonder · 14/12/2023 06:42

This is absolutely not true. There are lots of cases where LA has to pay for a tutor. I've got a few of those on my caseload right now. Particularly in situations of ASC where the child can't actually manage school at the moment.

Show quote history

what LA? and i’m not talking as a short term temporary measure

and if the child is in such a serious position as to not even be able to function in a special school, then that puts an even more disturbing slant on this scenario. For the children that is

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/12/2023 08:35

tachetastic · 13/12/2023 23:40

Wow! As a dad to four kids, not all of whom were planned, do decent men really walk away from their existing family when they hear that another child is on the way? Trust me, I would not have wanted more but no way would I have walked.

He might feel he can support his children better if he's not in the family home. He'd have more spare money and he'd have a house that wasn't chaos and noise, which is good for him but also good for the children if they visit in smaller numbers. He'd also be freeing up some space in the family home.

Or maybe with enough pressure he'll find out he's not as decent as he thinks he is and walk away for a better life for himself.

BlazingJune · 14/12/2023 08:39

Because if he thought a 5th kid was that much of a bad idea, he should have got a vasectomy instead of opting to use a method of contraception with a fairly high failure rate and relying on the OP to have a termination in case of an accidental pregnancy.

I don't think it is fair to ask a man to destroy his fertility if he's against that. Many men ask for reversals if they divorce or are widowed and want more children.

Condoms are 85% reliable BUT the failure rate is supposedly down to incorrect or no use. Splitting is the only true failure. That is visible, and women can take the MAP.

A lot of couples say they 'use' condoms.

In reality, what they mean is 'sometimes' and 'sometimes they can't be bothered and take a chance'.

OR it's worn too late after there's already been some intimacy.

The OP hasn't said which of these happened to them.

The real issue is that as a couple they aren't in agreement. If I was with a man who'd push me towards an abortion, I'd be using my own form of contraception, not relying on him, or not be married to him at all!

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/12/2023 08:41

How is saying she wants to have this baby absolving herself of responsibility? She's literally accepting the responsibility for raising it to adulthood.

She's not taking much responsibility at all. She's demanding that her husband provide the home and finance everything. She's put zero thought into how it's going to work, just passing the whole shot storm onto him. The only question is whether she makes it all his problem before or after Christmas.

DH has a way to make it her responsibility but that's not pretty either.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/12/2023 08:47

BlazingJune · 14/12/2023 08:39

Because if he thought a 5th kid was that much of a bad idea, he should have got a vasectomy instead of opting to use a method of contraception with a fairly high failure rate and relying on the OP to have a termination in case of an accidental pregnancy.

I don't think it is fair to ask a man to destroy his fertility if he's against that. Many men ask for reversals if they divorce or are widowed and want more children.

Condoms are 85% reliable BUT the failure rate is supposedly down to incorrect or no use. Splitting is the only true failure. That is visible, and women can take the MAP.

A lot of couples say they 'use' condoms.

In reality, what they mean is 'sometimes' and 'sometimes they can't be bothered and take a chance'.

OR it's worn too late after there's already been some intimacy.

The OP hasn't said which of these happened to them.

The real issue is that as a couple they aren't in agreement. If I was with a man who'd push me towards an abortion, I'd be using my own form of contraception, not relying on him, or not be married to him at all!

Agree. There's something fishy about the 'condoms' story. If it hadn't worked he'd know. And why would he be the angry one if a condom split and he hadn't told her?

Blame is Irrelevant though. What matters is what they decide to do. How they got here is history.