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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

I’m 19 and in my first year of university. Should I terminate?

109 replies

JanineR · 14/11/2023 13:22

To give more context to my situation, I do a degree that does not require many contact hours and it’s not a healthcare or science degree. I want to go into teaching after finishing my degree, but that’s in 3 years time when the potential baby would be 2 years old, or possibly 3 if I deferred due to health complications that could arise during pregnancy or birth.
I am not single, I have a committed partner who supports me through everything, whether financially or emotionally. I don’t currently work but I intend to work part-time in January. I get the maximum amount of student maintenance loan and I live with one of my parents and my boyfriend.
There would be no expectation for my parent to support me financially or provide childcare unless they wanted to.
My boyfriend has a job that pays fairly well and combined with my student loan it allows us to repair the house and help my parent out financially.
I am not sure whether it would be more reasonable to terminate or keep the baby. In my heart I am 100% sure I want to, but I don’t want to be selfish and potentially ruin this innocent child’s life due to our irresponsibility.
Please respond with genuine advice on how I could approach this situation and secure myself and the baby if I decided to continue the pregnancy.
Thank you,
Janine

OP posts:
Foxesandsquirrels · 14/11/2023 16:44

I don't have any advice other than just a gentle reminder that this is a public forum and I would ask to get rid of your name if you can. You never know who will stumble onto this in the future.

Night409 · 14/11/2023 16:47

I have a committed partner who supports me through everything, whether financially or emotionally.

How long have you been together?

How would you feel if he broke up with you and carried on having fun and living his life whilst you were stuck at home with a baby?

My personal opinion is that you have years to settle down and have children but you’re only young once.

I had a baby at a young age and although I love the bones of her, I missed out on so much.
My friends were all going out partying, having holidays, getting good careers etc and I was stuck at home dealing with stretch marks, sore nipples and piles lol.

If you choose to go through with this then you can absolutely be a good mum and enjoy it.
I actually love being a young mum as it meant I had lots of energy.

But I would do a pros and cons list of having a baby now vs in 2/3+ years time.

Sarah2891 · 14/11/2023 16:57

You sound like you do want to keep it, so keep it. All the best to you, I'm sure all will work out fine.

Ascubudr · 14/11/2023 16:57

Ihadenough22 · 14/11/2023 16:30

At 19 your young to be having a baby. Your boyfriend is probably around the same age. Your currently living with one of your parents. They may not want a baby living their so you have to find and pay high rent for a place to suit your boyfriend, you and a baby.
Yes your boyfriend my be supportive of you having a baby but perhaps in reality he prefer you to get an abortion. He might have no experience of babies or be aware of the costs of bringing up a baby/child.
Also if you have a child with someone even if you split up the father of your child is in your life for the next 18 years plus.

Your currently in your 1st of university and down the line your course will get more demanding. You will need to work in a classroom and prepare all that work as well. When your doing this work in a school you will be reviewed also and this work could be towards your final exam and degree results. I think it would be very hard to do this with a toddler or small child. Then after college you would not have the option of moving areas or say going abroad to teach for a tax free salary that could help you buy a home in the UK.

In your case I have an abortion as I think you need to concentrate on university and doing well in your degree. I think that between 20 and 30 you have a chance to get your degree, get a job, travel and enjoy life before having kids or buying a home.

I knew girls who got pregnant at a young age and it had a major impact on what their life was like. One of my friends got pregnant at 21 and when her own daughters were 16 she bought them to the doctor and let them get the pill.
She told them I want you to get your A levels, go to college and travel before you have kids. I want you to be financially stable before having kids and not trying to manage on very little money like me. Yes she loved her kids but she said if I was older it would have been easier.

I would have an abortion and sort out proper long term contraception because having a baby at 19/20 will just make your life very difficult and it not fair to bring a child into your current situation. I have also seen boyfriends say they want a baby but a few months after the baby is here he realises this is hard work and he leaves. Then your on your own with a baby.
One of my friends had a baby at 40 via IVF and she said both her and her husband found it hard going for the 1st few months and they had age, life experience ect before this.

Well people find babies easy at every age and hard at every age. Having them young at least you have energy, enthusiasum and optimism on your side.

You also haven't had years of independent adulthood so adjustment may be easier.

Pros and cons at any age.

Loopytiles · 14/11/2023 17:03

Don’t think it’d be feasible to complete a degree/teacher training with a tiny DC without the father doing at least an equal share of weekday and night parenting and / or a high level of support from extended family or subsidised childcare.

In making your decision would assume that your boyfriend will NOT be willing to do at least half the parenting, or leave and do little parenting after that. Since the odds are sadly very high of that happening.

Dacadactyl · 14/11/2023 17:04

DogLegMotor · 14/11/2023 16:37

@Dacadactyl how long ago did you buy? Right now OP doesn't have that teaching job so no teaching salary. There is no guarantee that her family member is going to generously have them keep living with them. It also depends on the area you live in and how much houses cost so the deposit where she is might be £30k. Obviously there are cheaper places to live than others. Yes it works out for some people but having been on MN for over 15 years I have read it time and time again how shafted women are when the men walk, don't pay maintenance and they are literally left holding the baby.

19 is young, she is just starting out her adult life, she hasn't even lived away from home. My own son is 20 I could not imagine the sheer weight of responsibility placed on him parenting whilst also trying to complete his degree. When you are young you feel like you know everything, it take a few decades to realise how young you really were. I put myself in that category. I met Dh when I was 22.

I'm 38 so it was 13 years ago. The house we bought cost 6.5 times my husbands annual salary at the time, but we'd saved approx 40% deposit in the 4 years preceding buying.

We also moved to a cheaper area to afford it and I was able to be a SAHM. I am still only PT.

I'm not saying her bf won't turn out to be shit or that she won't end up a single parent, but my point is....there's no guarantee either way.

Of the 2 other girls I know who got pregnant young, only I am still with the father of my child. The other 2 have split from their bfs, but they are good dads who pay for and see their kids. One has gone on to marry someone else.

Bali200 · 14/11/2023 17:14

If it was me then there’s absolutely no chance that I would have kept the baby, as it was very important to me to have my career established and to own my own home before I started a family. I was in the same situation to you but slightly younger than you and I have never once regretted the decision that I made, there’s many years ahead of you for babies. I spent my twenties having fun and then travelling the world with my partner who I met at 27. I’m now pregnant with my first child at 33. However you need to do what feels best for you, nobody else can make this decision for you. Wish you all the best of luck x

SanctuaryCity · 14/11/2023 17:28

i would definitely terminate in your situation. You’re young, studying, no career or home of your own yet. It’s unlikely based on stats that your relationship will last until the child is an adult. You’d be dependent on your partner and your parent for money and accommodation. I’m sure you’ll get people on here saying that they’d had 3 kids by your age, are still with the father and now have a wonderful career. These are the exceptions. It’s much more likely you’ll split from your partner, drop out of uni and be an impoverished single mum still living with your mum. Why make your life so much harder?

ginasevern · 14/11/2023 17:34

I had a baby when I was 19. Obviously it wasn't planned although the father was my steady boyfriend at the time (he didn't stay in my life). You have years ahead of you to have children. You are on the threshhold of adult life, you could have anything you want - a career, friends, fun, festivals, travel, all kinds of new experiences and new loves. Everything is much, much harder with a baby than you can imagine and some things are impossible. The fact that you are at uni presumably means you have greater ambitions than to have a baby as soon as possible. Give yourself a chance to live and explore this wide world first.

ClemFandangooo · 14/11/2023 17:36

Sandalholidays12 · 14/11/2023 15:49

@JanineR we don't know you OP so it's difficult to advise you properly. Have you got any cousins or close friends who are mums your age group? I was pregnant ar 23 and had DS at 24, I had a bf and I don't regret it. However I was thebonly one in my circle with a baby, I couldn't always go out with my friends and it was linely at times... I don't regret it though. DS is my entire world.

A baby when your only 19 will likely test your relationship. How long have you been together? I think that's what I would consider.... do you want to be with this ma forever more??

This is the only thing I find hard about being a young mum. I had DD1 at 20 and DD2 at 24 and whilst my mum friends are lovely, I have no friends my own age. They are all mid-late 30s and it's hard to find friends I have much in common with

Gwlondon · 14/11/2023 17:44

Certain things will be easier like your recovery. If you terminate and wait until everything is settled you may have trouble conceiving as you will be older.

I don’t know how finishing your degree is going to be. I sort of think you should continue with the pregnancy but it’s my bias. What will you regret more?

MercanDede · 14/11/2023 17:52

I don’t see why you could not keep the baby. Stay a student on student loans, your boyfriend can care for the infant as a SAHD, claim child benefit and UC as a parent of an infant if he is too low paid to work and pay for childcare.

Actually I think there is a law change that allows a parent student to claim UC unlike the usual barring of students from claiming welfare benefits- go to citizens advice and ask.

I did similar back when students got no help at all. I finished my degree when eldest was 3 almost 4, and with baby#2 as an infant in arms. (The first was a surprise, the second planned because we were like why not have all the kids we wanted close together? ) The University was quite good with allowing me to take the term in which they were born off. So my degree took 4.5yrs to complete.

It all worked out and I never had the quandary other women had of when to step back from a career to have DC as I’d already done that! So it was always onwards and upwards with my career.

DogLegMotor · 14/11/2023 18:50

@Dacadactyl you cannot compare house prices from 13 years ago to today's prices. My own house price has increased by almost 50% in that time. My eldest son has a LISA and has already looked at house buying and mortgage calculators based on his graduate salary so we know how hard it will be to get him on the housing ladder.

Mortgage affordability checks are much harsher considering how much childcare costs are these days. Yes, it is great that it worked out for you but this is a woman who planned to go into teaching and she needs that degree to teach. As I said I had a poorly velcro baby. I was fortunate that I was a sahm because we chosen a house for far less money than the bank were willing to lend, but then this was our 3rd house, not our first.

Pigeonqueen · 14/11/2023 19:03

I have a dd aged 20 and I would support her with whatever she decided if this was her and I wouldn’t tell her what I really thought - but since this is anonymous and you’re asking …

I would terminate. You’re young, very young really and you’re still living at home. I think you need to finish your course and establish your career. That’s much harder to do with a baby - I know from experience as I had my dd at 22 in similar circumstances to you. If I could change things now wish I had waited to have children later than I did. Of course I love my dd (and other dc I have now as well) but it’s really difficult to have a baby when you’re not completely set up.

Dacadactyl · 14/11/2023 19:47

DogLegMotor · 14/11/2023 18:50

@Dacadactyl you cannot compare house prices from 13 years ago to today's prices. My own house price has increased by almost 50% in that time. My eldest son has a LISA and has already looked at house buying and mortgage calculators based on his graduate salary so we know how hard it will be to get him on the housing ladder.

Mortgage affordability checks are much harsher considering how much childcare costs are these days. Yes, it is great that it worked out for you but this is a woman who planned to go into teaching and she needs that degree to teach. As I said I had a poorly velcro baby. I was fortunate that I was a sahm because we chosen a house for far less money than the bank were willing to lend, but then this was our 3rd house, not our first.

Maybe house prices are different now, but I would not be basing a decision like this on my home owner status if I were OP (and I didnt)

OP will receive a lot of help with childcare costs and may well decide to have a baby and finish her degree, becoming a teacher at or around the time the child starts school.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 14/11/2023 22:06

It's your decision but if I was in your position I would terminate. You're so very young and just starting out. You've got so much time ahead of you to have a baby when you're in a much better position to enjoy motherhood. Having a baby is all consuming. Trying to study and establish yourself in a professional job is hard enough and competitive enough without having to juggle the needs of a baby/young child.

If you were my daughter I'd be advising you very gently that the time isn't right.

ProfCee · 14/11/2023 22:11

Ponderingwindow · 14/11/2023 14:29

If you were my daughter, I would be trying to gently nudge you towards prioritizing your education.

Not having your own education and career established before having a child makes a woman and her child more vulnerable to abuse. Men often don’t show their true colors until after the baby is born. I would be very scared for my daughter to have a baby without a career in place where she could support herself and the child even if her relationship fell apart.

I agree with this.

BrimfulOfMash · 14/11/2023 22:53

If you were my daughter I would be hoping that you would postpone motherhood until after you had enjoyed all that the freedom and youth of Uni years has to offer, qualified, stabilised your life and could enjoy your babies with maternity leave to support you and a salary to go back to.

Ot won’t be long!

Just because accidents happen doesn’t mean you have to let it dictate your life.

But whatever you decide, good luck!

wannabetraveler · 14/11/2023 22:59

CatOnTheCludgy · 14/11/2023 14:34

I have a friend who this happened to. Her bloke legged it. She finished her degree, with baby. She is now at CEO level as her baby in her 20s is now a grown-up when she is in her 40s.
Don't just look at the now.
It will all work out x

Ah, yes. The single, teenaged mother turned CEO. Everyone on MN knows one, apparently.

MrsClausno27 · 14/11/2023 23:11

I did my pgce whilst pregnant. It wasn't the easiest thing I've ever done, but I did it and I graduated with distinction.

I don't think anything should change your mind if you really want this baby.

amispeakingintongues · 14/11/2023 23:13

Op i was in your exact shoes. Same circumstances, first year of uni etc. the biggest difference is that you have a supportive partner (I definitely did not). However I decided to terminate and it will always be the greatest regret of my life. You are not the first or the last person to get pregnant in these circumstances, it doesn't need to ruin your life. I wish you all the best for the future x

CatOnTheCludgy · 14/11/2023 23:18

wannabetraveler · 14/11/2023 22:59

Ah, yes. The single, teenaged mother turned CEO. Everyone on MN knows one, apparently.

Show quote history

Well I really do. You can not believe me if you want.

Mintesso · 14/11/2023 23:19

Whatever decision you make now, you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life.

If you want this baby, I think you’ll find it very hard to live with the regret if you terminate it. It’s different with unwanted babies. My worry for you is that you are a sensible person trying to talk yourself into making a sensible decision but the truth is this has to be an emotional decision.

Jobs, family, money - there’s never a good time to have a baby. Physically you’re at the absolute perfect age for it.

In your situation I would have the baby and worry about the degree /jobs later. But this is your life. Which would you regret more, having the baby or aborting it?

TurquoiseDress · 14/11/2023 23:48

Ponderingwindow · 14/11/2023 14:29

If you were my daughter, I would be trying to gently nudge you towards prioritizing your education.

Not having your own education and career established before having a child makes a woman and her child more vulnerable to abuse. Men often don’t show their true colors until after the baby is born. I would be very scared for my daughter to have a baby without a career in place where she could support herself and the child even if her relationship fell apart.

This is all so true IMHO

hopsalong · 15/11/2023 00:12

I don't think it's true or helpful to say that you'll never get over the regret if you terminate the pregnancy. You may never get over it completely but in ten years time, when you have other children, and when you have perhaps experienced other family losses, I would be surprised if you think about it terribly often. If you do, you might, like many of us end up thinking 'but I wouldn't have THIS wonderful child with THIS wonderful man if I'd had that other one'.

For most of us money, time, partners and physical health severely limit the number of children we can have. Most women have fewer than three children; very few have more. So one now is also a child that you probably won't be able to have later.