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Original poster

I’m 19 and in my first year of university. Should I terminate?

109 replies

JanineR · 14/11/2023 13:22

To give more context to my situation, I do a degree that does not require many contact hours and it’s not a healthcare or science degree. I want to go into teaching after finishing my degree, but that’s in 3 years time when the potential baby would be 2 years old, or possibly 3 if I deferred due to health complications that could arise during pregnancy or birth.
I am not single, I have a committed partner who supports me through everything, whether financially or emotionally. I don’t currently work but I intend to work part-time in January. I get the maximum amount of student maintenance loan and I live with one of my parents and my boyfriend.
There would be no expectation for my parent to support me financially or provide childcare unless they wanted to.
My boyfriend has a job that pays fairly well and combined with my student loan it allows us to repair the house and help my parent out financially.
I am not sure whether it would be more reasonable to terminate or keep the baby. In my heart I am 100% sure I want to, but I don’t want to be selfish and potentially ruin this innocent child’s life due to our irresponsibility.
Please respond with genuine advice on how I could approach this situation and secure myself and the baby if I decided to continue the pregnancy.
Thank you,
Janine

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 15/11/2023 07:22

I agree with hopsalong. People do get over having an abortion.

Dillane · 15/11/2023 07:25

Enjoy your baby OP.

CormorantStrikesBack · 15/11/2023 07:27

I honestly would terminate. Babies are expensive and take time and effort. You risk not being able to complete your degree or pgce even if on paper it seems both are manageable. Childcare is expensive. You’d end up paying for it while not having a wage. How happy would your parent be with you carrying on living in the house with a baby potentially for years? When do you think you could realistically afford your own house?

TudorBeckham · 15/11/2023 07:27

If you want to keep the baby, you will find a way to make it work. It sounds as if you’re sensible and have a good support network. It won’t be easy but it doesn’t have to be easy.

Original poster
JanineR · 15/11/2023 07:35

Thank you all for all of your responses. I read all of them and I appreciate all of the advice. This is a tough decision but I wanted to clarify a few things that I have seen come up.

Me and my boyfriend have known each other since 2020 but we only started going out at the beginning of last year. What perhaps distinguishes our situation from other couples our age is that he moved in with me and my parent shortly after we started dating. The reason was that I needed help after my parents divorced as I tend to do all of the paperwork and I was sorting out everything during the moving and divorce process as my parents are not fluent English speakers.

In the short time that we gave been together we managed to visit three countries and we travelled quite extensively around the UK as well. We do not plan on stopping once we have a baby, although our trips will be confined to the UK for the near future.

I am not worried about losing out on "uni" experience as we both don't drink or go out. I decided to go to uni after a year of working and I am determined to finish my degree and get a PGCE no matter what.

My parent is aware that pregnancy is always a possibility but they don't know yet.

As you can see I am most likely set on keeping the baby but I do understand all of the concerns and I am thinking of all of the possibilities.

Thank you,

Janine

OP posts:
toddlermam · 15/11/2023 07:49

I got pregnant during my first year of university! Doing a psychology degree so very full on degree too.

My first year was sept 2019 - may 2020

I had him in July 2020

Took two years out (one year for 'maternity' however had to take an additional year because my son required surgery)

Did my second year sept 2022 - may 2023 now doing my 3rd year. My son goes to full time private nursery (childcare grant pays for 85% of this) and honestly don't regret my choice for a second. I get all of the holidays off with him and have one day a week where I don't schedule any uni work + he has the day off nursery for a mommy and son day.

And I was a single mom; so definitely doable if you also have a supportive partner Smile

toddlermam · 15/11/2023 07:51

Ps in terms of travel - I have a month off uni in January and me, my boyfriend and my 3 year are old are going travelling around Asia for 5 weeks! (Thailand, Malaysia and India). Please don't let anyone tell you that you can't travel with children. If finances allow it, it's possible within reason

toddlermam · 15/11/2023 07:53

You’d end up paying for it while not having a wage

Not true. I'm a university student and I get 85% of my childcare fees paid for via childcare grant.

You also get very good student finance which includes elements that you do not have to pay back - including parents in education allowance, special support element etc

For reference I get 12.8k a year maintenance loan alongside top up universal credit, DLA etc.

ginmakesitallok · 15/11/2023 07:55

I've been in exactly your position (except my partner was also a student at the time). I had a termination, and went on to have 2 dc with same partner when the time was right for us.

TrishyLou1111 · 15/11/2023 07:55

JanineR · 15/11/2023 07:35

Thank you all for all of your responses. I read all of them and I appreciate all of the advice. This is a tough decision but I wanted to clarify a few things that I have seen come up.

Me and my boyfriend have known each other since 2020 but we only started going out at the beginning of last year. What perhaps distinguishes our situation from other couples our age is that he moved in with me and my parent shortly after we started dating. The reason was that I needed help after my parents divorced as I tend to do all of the paperwork and I was sorting out everything during the moving and divorce process as my parents are not fluent English speakers.

In the short time that we gave been together we managed to visit three countries and we travelled quite extensively around the UK as well. We do not plan on stopping once we have a baby, although our trips will be confined to the UK for the near future.

I am not worried about losing out on "uni" experience as we both don't drink or go out. I decided to go to uni after a year of working and I am determined to finish my degree and get a PGCE no matter what.

My parent is aware that pregnancy is always a possibility but they don't know yet.

As you can see I am most likely set on keeping the baby but I do understand all of the concerns and I am thinking of all of the possibilities.

Thank you,

Janine

Some of these responses are scary.

Ultimately, it's your choice.

I had my first baby at 19, and she's my best friend now. I've studied two professional health degrees in the last 14 years, and I'm currently on my third. I've also had three more children in the process. The truth is, if you want it, you make it work, and it's that simple.

Good luck and congratulations on the pregnancy x

Southlondoner88 · 15/11/2023 07:57

It sounds like you e made up your mind and know what the right thing for you is. If you have a supportive partner and family I think you’ll make it work. If I were you, I wouldn’t give up my education, you’ll have better job prospects if you stay in education.

SirWalterElliot · 15/11/2023 08:01

My interpretation of your posts is that you want to keep the baby but are worried about the practicalities. Is that right?

If so, to me it sounds as though you could make this work. You sound mature and responsible. I think you should do some research into the support that would be available for you as a student eg. with childcare, benefits etc. It might be more possible than you think to continue studying (after some mat leave).

If however you decide that termination is right for you then that's ok too.

Good luck with whatever you decide, it's a credit to you that you're thinking about this so clearly.

fixies · 15/11/2023 08:52

You wouldn't be ruining the child's life! Having a baby young is not the end of the world. Plus you live with your parents and a committed partner who can support you through it and your education. It will be harder yes but you can still achieve your goals. But ultimately it's your choice. You sound very astute and balanced.

GrumpyOldCrone · 15/11/2023 09:06

The sensible course of action is to have a termination so that you can concentrate on your full time education, and then have children in a few years when you’re settled.

But people don’t always choose the sensible course of action, and everything works out fine. It’s just (much) more difficult for a few years. If you want to have a baby now, it’s very likely that you can still do everything else you want to do in life.

Moonlaserbearwolf · 15/11/2023 09:21

Such a difficult decision and no right or wrong answer. If only we had a crystal ball…
If you knew that you would stay with your partner and have a baby in ten years time, would that make any difference to the decision you make now?
I only have the experience of 1 friend who was pregnant at 19 and she definitely doesn’t have any regrets. Life was tough for a while and she didn’t have any support from the father, BUT her parents were brilliant and helped her take care of the baby while she was studying. Twenty years on she runs a successful business and couldn’t imagine life without her daughter.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

JustCollateralDamage · 15/11/2023 09:27

To me this all hinges on how committed your partner is and how much you can rely on your family for support.

You say this boyfriend is committed... are you living together? Would he be committed enough to marry you before the baby comes?

You say your family isn't expected to support unless "they wanted to" which makes me doubt how reliable they would be... What if your partner left you? Do you have any doubts that they would support you financially?

CormorantStrikesBack · 15/11/2023 09:39

toddlermam · 15/11/2023 07:53

You’d end up paying for it while not having a wage

Not true. I'm a university student and I get 85% of my childcare fees paid for via childcare grant.

You also get very good student finance which includes elements that you do not have to pay back - including parents in education allowance, special support element etc

For reference I get 12.8k a year maintenance loan alongside top up universal credit, DLA etc.

I know this. I’m a university lecturer and believe me I see enough students drop out after having a baby either due to time pressure or finance. These are all students who said they’d definitely make it work 🤷🏻‍♀️. I see very few who actually do.

It’s all very well saying student finance pays for 85% of childcare but what about the other 15%? What about all the other costs, the nappies, clothes, cot, etc.

it’s great saying she can find a way. Maybe she will. But realistically it’s unlikely and it’ll be her education which suffers. By all means have the baby if that’s the priority. But go into it with your eyes wide open

Oganesson118 · 15/11/2023 09:44

I have a friend who was doing a B.Ed in primary teaching but dropped out in her second year to have a baby. She went on to have a second baby, then when she was ready, transferred her first year credits to a local uni (she was away at uni), finished her B.Ed and is now a few years into her teaching career at a lovely school and still manages to be a great (single, through no fault of her own) mum.

justjeansandanicetop · 15/11/2023 09:47

CatOnTheCludgy · 14/11/2023 14:34

I have a friend who this happened to. Her bloke legged it. She finished her degree, with baby. She is now at CEO level as her baby in her 20s is now a grown-up when she is in her 40s.
Don't just look at the now.
It will all work out x

I also have a friend who was in a similar situation.

Except she was just finishing her degree when she fell pregnant, and her and bf got married.

He was starting out in the police force at the time and is now very high up and headed towards a very comfortable retirement at 50.

She is now mid 40s with two young adult children and she has an incredibly successful career.

They have a huge house and various rental properties and are very happy.

However, I know many many more women for whom it has ended badly.

It's all anecdotal.

The friend that has done well for herself has done it through a lot of hard work, similar values as her husband, and a huge amount of good luck.

Not everyone is so lucky.

BlueEyesGotMeLike · 15/11/2023 09:55

In your position, I would terminate.

You’re young, in a fairly new relationship, aren’t financially independent with a career and live with your parent. I’m failing to see how Theres anything there that a child should be brought into. You struggled to cope with your parents divorce and needed your bf to move in just to cope, that’s quite extreme. Having a baby and studying will be so much harder.

CasaAmarela · 15/11/2023 10:00

In your situation I would terminate and I'd hope my DD would do the same. I had a termination at 25 and it was very difficult to to through but looking back it was the right thing to do - I was very immature.

Good luck with whatever you decide ❤

CherryMyBrandy · 15/11/2023 10:03

No one can make this decision for you but if it were me I'd not continue with the pregnancy. Having a baby is really hard. I could not have done that and completed a degree especially at your age.

Gardeningtime · 15/11/2023 10:03

Is your boyfriend also a teenager or close? This is a huge commitment and cost, for people who are so young and not financially secure. Can you even afford childcare, do you understand the costs?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 15/11/2023 10:12

I was in your position at 19. I was in uni and found out I was pregnant but I was doing a teaching degree. I deferred my year and went back to my second year when DD was 7mo which broke my heart. DH (boyfriend at the time) and I made it through by living with my parents until DD was 3. She’s now 9, beautiful, bright, lovely to everyone. We have another DD plus a DS on the way with full time jobs (I’m out of teaching because it’s a fucking awful career!), our own house, married… I wouldn’t change anything but it was hard.

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 15/11/2023 10:16

I have sons your age and if you were my daughter I would be hoping you'd terminate. Youth is a fairly fleeting thing and you want to enjoy it rather than being up all night, dealing with dirty nappies and colic when you have no financial security and you are depending for your financial future on support from a chap who is also fairly young. My career path was different from you but I can say it would have been immeasurably difficult with a baby. When I did have children I was married, in our own house, was professionally established and could afford a nanny for the first year. Even with all that it was very hard work.