I’m 19 and in my first year of university. Should I terminate?

[JanineR]

To give more context to my situation, I do a degree that does not require many contact hours and it’s not a healthcare or science degree. I want to go into teaching after finishing my degree, but that’s in 3 years time when the potential baby would be 2 years old, or possibly 3 if I deferred due to health complications that could arise during pregnancy or birth.
I am not single, I have a committed partner who supports me through everything, whether financially or emotionally. I don’t currently work but I intend to work part-time in January. I get the maximum amount of student maintenance loan and I live with one of my parents and my boyfriend.
There would be no expectation for my parent to support me financially or provide childcare unless they wanted to.
My boyfriend has a job that pays fairly well and combined with my student loan it allows us to repair the house and help my parent out financially.
I am not sure whether it would be more reasonable to terminate or keep the baby. In my heart I am 100% sure I want to, but I don’t want to be selfish and potentially ruin this innocent child’s life due to our irresponsibility.
Please respond with genuine advice on how I could approach this situation and secure myself and the baby if I decided to continue the pregnancy.
Thank you,
Janine

There is no right or wrong answer.

It comes down to what you want.

Either way there is no point regretting whatever you decide.

It can certainly be done.
A relative of mine found herself in a similar situation in her first year at University, with the added complication of the fact that she was studying in a different country, and found herself pregnant with twins. She took a year out of University, went back when her babies were about 9 or 10 months old, eventually graduating with a very good degree. She then came back home and did a PGCE actually and is a teacher now. I don't think she would have chosen that path, but it happened and everything did turn out ok in the end. I don't think she would dispute that it was very hard, and she did have a lot of support from her boyfriend, his family and her own Mum who went out to stay with them regularly, so I don't want to breezily say "oh it will be fine" as there were many times when my relative struggled I know. But she did it, and has a very good life now. So it is possible, but you do need to be sure that it is definitely the path you want to take.

The person I know who did this carried on with her education but her mum ended up doing most the childcare. The boyfriend took a job far away which earned more money so sees the toddler every other weekend. I think the baby has bonded most with its grandma. They have not had more children.

Just reflecting on the last line of your post, some things to think about:
-How would the parent feel about living with a baby? Do you live in their house, and do you pay rent? Might they ask you to move out, or to start contributing more? Or would they want to move out?
-Financially the major cost is childcare. Does your university offer any kind of childcare or nursery service? If not, you will need to budget for this. It is expensive.
Have a conversation with your bf where you are clear about what childcare will need to be paid for in order for you to continue to study. Make sure he is aware how much it will be. I am worried you could end up in a scenario where he realises actually he doesn't want to pay what it costs and pressures you to become a SAHP, which is a very risky scenario for you, especially if you are not ready to think about marriage yet.
-Everything else can be done on a budget. Don't spend money on expensive baby stuff or toys.
-The other consideration is the strength of your relationship, having a baby is the toughest test of one, you will lose most - if not all - of your 1-on-1 time. Are you ready to do this, or alternatively to be a single parent?

I don't know many 19 year old guys that are ready for this... At 19 it's all fun and games, plans to be with half the female population etc.

You may well have found a good one, but are you prepared to be a struggling single mum if he jumps ship? I'm a guy, and I had scares around that age, and I would never have dreamt of asking for an abortion... but that doesn't mean I wasn't praying for a way out, even with the nicest girl on the world.

This could be the case, but I supported a student teacher who had a one year old baby through a teaching placement and she was thoroughly on top of the job. I'm not sure I could have done it, but it can be done.

I think you know what the right decision is at heart and you want to keep the baby but the practicalities of life are making you doubt.

I find that normally the initial reaction is the one that’s right for you. I got pregnant at 23 with a good job and a boyfriend who I was living with but my instant reaction was that despite ‘an OK situation’ I wasn’t ready. Your reaction and the way you talk about the baby makes me think that you want to keep it. Do what’s right for you.

Im a firm believer that financials and career can be done alongside the baby as long as you’re ready to put the work in and your baby is wanted

I know 2 people who had children at uni and I myself fell pregnant in my final year.

It's not a disaster by any stretch of the imagination and I think you'll find uni supportive.

Op this is such a difficult one and everyone is different. I did terminate when I was 18 years old but then struggled to conceive when I was older. Good luck with whatever you decide to do xx

There is no right or wrong answer- you do have a supportive partner and teacher training isn’t impossible with a young child (although it will certainly be harder). Personally, I would keep the baby in your scenario but ultimately it’s down to what you want.

Also OP, the uni will have a hardship fund and make sure you get a full benefit check to see what you may be entitled to in your circumstances.

Only you can make the decision, so you have to go with what feels right. Nineteen is very young, but not so young that you don’t know what you want - and you seem quite sure about that. One of my close friends was pregnant at 21, with no partner - she went on to do teacher training while taking care of a toddler, and now has a wonderful 16 year old and a great career. So if you do decide to keep the baby there’s no reason you can’t pursue your career. It’s great you have a supportive partner and I hope you come to a decision you’re happy with. Sending love whatever you decide x

@JanineR we don't know you OP so it's difficult to advise you properly. Have you got any cousins or close friends who are mums your age group? I was pregnant ar 23 and had DS at 24, I had a bf and I don't regret it. However I was thebonly one in my circle with a baby, I couldn't always go out with my friends and it was linely at times... I don't regret it though. DS is my entire world.

A baby when your only 19 will likely test your relationship. How long have you been together? I think that's what I would consider.... do you want to be with this ma forever more??

I'd terminate if I were you, in fact I was once you and I did. Do what feels right for you 💐

I agree with this post Op.

I would do some more research into the practicalities and especially the costs you have facing you. Definitely contact uni for advice. It’s true what they say when childcare is a second mortgage. My nursery fees are £1100 a month for 5 ‘short days’.

PP is also right to consider any other factors that will need flexibility in your education/career. My son has had issues with hypermobility (meaning delayed walking), delayed speech, other things like allergic reactions, eczema etc and these involve many many appointments.

I was you, however was clear that it was better to terminate. BF supported me.

never regretted it and have two kids now.

You CAN make it work but Jesus, gonna be easier to wait.

It seems to me that you have decided that you really want this baby. If that's the case, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.

There are no right and wrong answers in this situation. Just go with whatever your gut tells you. Anything else will set you up for a lifetime of regrets, either way.

With determination you can complete your education and be a great parent but it means giving up the other aspects of university life and you will need practical support (either from family or paid for). If your partner is committed that's great but I would not assume that will stay committed.

If you were my dd I would suggest termination

I can't tell you if you should keep your baby or not. But just wanted to add that you get I think approx 80% funded hours of childcare if you're in full time education like Uni. Just so you're aware!

I think if you want the baby then you just have to follow your heart. Although teacher training is tough I am sure, it’s probably one of the careers most suited to having a family while pursuing. If you wanted to be a doctor/lawyer etc then a baby would massively derail that, but it does sound like your educational and professional goals would be achievable with baby.

I will say however that I shudder to imagine still being with my boyfriend when I was 19! We change so much as we grow and there is a lot of living to do in your 20s. Are you definitely set on this boyfriend and sure you don’t want to experience dating/travelling the world etc?

Just some things to weigh up but ultimately it’s up to you and you can have a brilliant life either way, will just be different paths that’s all.

The other thing to consider that might have the biggest impact on you buying a house. The hardest thing for young people, and older people today is getting on the property ladder, your mortgage offer will be much, much less if you already have children. It is already hard and will be even harder.

It isn't just a baby either, it is a toddler, a preschooler, a school aged child. It is one hell of a commitment, remember you are still living at home now. You didn't plan this, you weren't trying to get pregnant. This just happened. It doesn't mean you have to continue but if you do you need the cold hard facts that most women end up carrying the burden of being the default parent, the one whose career usually takes the hit and the one whose life changes whilst the man still has the same body and still pursues hobbies and evenings out with mates.

@DogLegMotor don't worry about the house buying OP. Out of my friends, I had the first baby, aged 21 and was first to buy a house at 25. That includes all my cousins and contemporaries too.

Having a child put a rocket up me to ensure we saved a deposit etc. You have family support and are staying with family, so should be able to save, all things considered.

At 19 your young to be having a baby. Your boyfriend is probably around the same age. Your currently living with one of your parents. They may not want a baby living their so you have to find and pay high rent for a place to suit your boyfriend, you and a baby.
Yes your boyfriend my be supportive of you having a baby but perhaps in reality he prefer you to get an abortion. He might have no experience of babies or be aware of the costs of bringing up a baby/child.
Also if you have a child with someone even if you split up the father of your child is in your life for the next 18 years plus.

Your currently in your 1st of university and down the line your course will get more demanding. You will need to work in a classroom and prepare all that work as well. When your doing this work in a school you will be reviewed also and this work could be towards your final exam and degree results. I think it would be very hard to do this with a toddler or small child. Then after college you would not have the option of moving areas or say going abroad to teach for a tax free salary that could help you buy a home in the UK.

In your case I have an abortion as I think you need to concentrate on university and doing well in your degree. I think that between 20 and 30 you have a chance to get your degree, get a job, travel and enjoy life before having kids or buying a home.

I knew girls who got pregnant at a young age and it had a major impact on what their life was like. One of my friends got pregnant at 21 and when her own daughters were 16 she bought them to the doctor and let them get the pill.
She told them I want you to get your A levels, go to college and travel before you have kids. I want you to be financially stable before having kids and not trying to manage on very little money like me. Yes she loved her kids but she said if I was older it would have been easier.

I would have an abortion and sort out proper long term contraception because having a baby at 19/20 will just make your life very difficult and it not fair to bring a child into your current situation. I have also seen boyfriends say they want a baby but a few months after the baby is here he realises this is hard work and he leaves. Then your on your own with a baby.
One of my friends had a baby at 40 via IVF and she said both her and her husband found it hard going for the 1st few months and they had age, life experience ect before this.

@Dacadactyl how long ago did you buy? Right now OP doesn't have that teaching job so no teaching salary. There is no guarantee that her family member is going to generously have them keep living with them. It also depends on the area you live in and how much houses cost so the deposit where she is might be £30k. Obviously there are cheaper places to live than others. Yes it works out for some people but having been on MN for over 15 years I have read it time and time again how shafted women are when the men walk, don't pay maintenance and they are literally left holding the baby.

19 is young, she is just starting out her adult life, she hasn't even lived away from home. My own son is 20 I could not imagine the sheer weight of responsibility placed on him parenting whilst also trying to complete his degree. When you are young you feel like you know everything, it take a few decades to realise how young you really were. I put myself in that category. I met Dh when I was 22.

No way I would have a baby in your circumstances.

You do what you want to do.