Oh @PeppedUp , I don't know where to start... I need to go food shopping now so I haven't got all the time I need to reply, but I didn't want to leave it like this...
Even though my own parents are much more supportive than yours, they're also a bit dysfunctional and it took me years to start untangling the effects this had on me.
This is my first pregnancy and I can see that they won't be fully supportive, especially my mum. They live quite far from us, which I think will be the excuse, but the truth lies also in other reasons, probably a narcissistic personality as well...
I'm going into my fourth year of therapy now and I'm so grateful about it. It did give me the strength to recognise some things about myself, so fears coming from my parents and lately, the strength to leave them behind.
It feels a bit cruel, but I feel I've got to stop trying to understand and diagnose their issues, and feeling guilty for not finding a way to connect.
A thing my therapist said to me lately is that, once you start putting your own healthy boundaries, of what you think about them, what you support in your life and how you want to do things in your life (that come in conflict with what they do), they'll turn accusing and maybe nasty. But it's a good sign, because you're starting to establish and defend who you want to be and how you want your family to work.
Of course a child will not connect with a grandfather that they haven't met, that he hasn't been caring and devoted time and energy and kindness to them! I believe that if the grandparents are not willing to offer something good and helpful to the upbringing of the child, they might as well not offer anything at all, and never visit. My husband still remembers as a young child his grandfather being grumpy and unpleasant every time they met... it didn't do him any good being in contact with him. "Luckily" he died when he was still little. Try to find other people, kind people, that will give your child a sense of caring and belonging. I don't want any manipulation through my children, I've had enough direct manipulation myself.
It might be time that you give up on the hope that your parents might be good grandparents... It's a real pity and it really hurts, I know, because if they could do a bit of work with themselves they could have a much richer and nicer life themselves, and they'd have a loads to offer to you and your children.
But you can't do this work for them, it's their responsibility. Unfortunately, they might die having missed out on a huge chance to be better people and great grandparents.
But you can only focus on yourself, keep working on yourself to make yourself a good person and a good parent, so that you don't pass on this hurt as a family heirloom.
Don't try to lift their weight because it'll exhaust you...