Pregnant, alcohol and high anxiety

[Mia098]

Hello. I have found out that I am pregnant. before I found out I was drinking alcohol. we were on holiday the first week I was pregnant and drank wine and beer every day. I came home and took a pregnancy test. it was negative. I took another one which was also negative. we went on holiday for 5 more days and then I drank wine with food. when I got home I got a positive test and since then I've had so much anxiety because I'm terrified of having hurt the child. It has now been a few weeks and the anxiety is only getting worse. even though this was a wanted child, I am now considering an abortion as I feel that the anxiety is eating me up. the doctor said I could think about an abortion since I had so much anxiety because of the drinking. I don't know what to do, the anxiety has taken over me and I feel I have no choice.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. Honestly, it's a very common scenario to drink loads on holiday before you find out you are pregnant. It really won't have done anything to harm your baby, it was so early on. I wouldn't even count the first holidays worth of drinking as the baby wouldn't have even implanted at that point or you'd have had a positive pregnancy test.

@SnookyPook everything has looked fine on the ultrasound, but they cannot see brain damage or other cognitive damage to the brain on scans. yes, I have no other choice now, but it's hard to be so sad and scared all the time. I have received help from a psychologist and he says I need to work on forgiving myself. but I cannot forgive myself for having hurt my own child. it's the drinking in week 5 that scares me so much. everything I've read indicates that from week 4 you can harm the fetus with alcohol. and I know that no matter what happens to the child, I will blame myself and the alcohol for it. I made a wrong choice for myself when I chose to keep the child, because of the fear and ufiltrert, but now it's to late. and the guilt and shame is heartbreaking.

@Talkwhilstyouwalk thank you for your answer. it's mostly the drinking in week 5 that scares me because I read that this is when major damage can occur to the fetus.

The chance of this harming the child are tiny. Honestly, I've had anxiety like this before about other things and it's difficult to find perspective.m, but your baby will be fine. You will never get 💯 answer from a doctor on this because that's just not how they work but they would not be concerned about this level of drinking. I found out I was pregnant in Jan 3rd 5 years ago. It had been a very boozy Christmas, a couple of weeks of daily drinking! I thought whoops when I saw the positive test, and then moved on because what's done is done....and my now 4 year old is as bright as a button though I do say so myself!

Let me get this straight you are worried cos you drank before you found out you were pregnant and you found out you were pregnant at 4 weeks 5 days. Do you know how many women don’t find out they are pregnant straight away. 4+5 is pretty immediate I really wouldn’t worry about it. I had a drinking session with the girls about 5 days before I found out I was pregnant and not given it a second thought. You need to be kinder to yourself your baby will be fine

@Talkwhilstyouwalk thank you very much. I hope my child is as lucky and has not been affected by the drinking at week 5. I feel that everyone says that drinking before week 5 is fine, but that week 5 is very important in the development of the fetus.

@Mumoftwo2022 yes I'm scared because it says that week 5 is a very critical phase in the development of the foetus. and I only wanted the best for the fetus, and the child's life starts that way because of me. it's hard to forgive myself for.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're still feeling this way. I did comment before saying I had drank before I knew I was pregnant and that baby is fine.

I can see you're worried about the drinking between days 4+0 and 4+5. I found out at 4+4 so just before you. I'd also been on holiday, didn't spot my period was late. Here's what I drank from day 4+0 onwards (I remember because I was away in London)

Day 4+1 : beer, gin cocktail, absinthe (and baby is not green!!)

Day 4+2 : gin and tonic, cider

Day 4+3 : beer

Got home and realised my period was late, took a test, all is well. Baby is 10 months old, meeting all his milestones etc.

FAS is when mothers have drank an awful lot throughout the whole pregnancy. Women used to drink in moderation until quite recently. My own mom drank guinness, as so many women were advised to do!

I see why you have been encouraged to forgive yourself, but I don't think it's helpful wording, as it implies you've done something wrong which requires forgiving. Which you haven't.

I do hope you can relax and move on and enjoy your lovely baby when they're here.

The best thing you can do now is try to lower your anxiety in whatever way you can, as this is actually worse for the baby than a few drinks right at the start of pregnancy. My midwife told me it is better to smoke one cigarette occasionally than give up completely if giving up completely causes you anxiety and stress. Try and get some therapy and maybe a massage or other treatments that relax you.

@ScabbyHorse I didn't know that my anxiety could harm the fetus, then I have something else to worry about too. because I've had anxiety almost throughout my pregnancy.

@neleh87 thank you for your answer. good to hear that someone has done the same as me and that the child has gone well. I have a very bad conscience for all the anxiety I also have because of this, and think about how much damage my stress may have also done. Yes, maybe that's why I can't forgive myself. I do not know:/

@neleh87
continuation from the previous message: yes, it is the alcohol in week 5 (4-4+5) that scares me so much as I have read that this is when the important development of the fetus begins.

What treatment/help have you had for the anxiety?

It worries me that you are now going to over analyse every single stage of your child's development and blame even the slightest "non conforming" milestone on yourself and FAS when in actual likelihood, they may not be related at all whatsoever. This is a worry and you need your try and get a handle on your anxiety. Otherwise you are likely to blame yourself over every single thing that happens to your child that you may perceive as not being "normal" and that is really not healthy for you or your baby.

The most important thing is that your child has parents who loves and supports them, whatever challenges they face in life because let's face it, everyone is different and has different challenges even without FAS in the majority of cases and that is normal. You can't keep blaming yourself for something that is extremely unlikely and maybe even creating problems in your mind. You will start looking and worrying for things that aren't even there but you have already convinced yourself it's because of a few glasses of wine in one particular week. That's not fair on you or your child. And I do mean this in the nicest and gentlest possible way. You will end up putting extra pressure on yourself and your baby and your anxiety will only get worse as you over analyse everything and you will judge everything your baby does in order to look for problems.

Please continue to try and get help if you can.

1 week after conception you are not “pregnant” it hasn’t implanted. When you find out at 4 weeks, you have not actually been pregnant for 4 weeks. Otherwise, nhs advice to all women would be not to drink if you are trying to conceive. This is not the case. You shouldn’t drink from when you can detect hcg i.E approx 2 weeks after conception and “4 weeks pregnant”. But with this level of anxiety I think your biggest consideration should be whether you are in a stable enough space to have a baby right now, but definitely not about alcohol.

@Wolfiefan I see a psychologist regularly.

@bookwormcrazy thank you for your reply.

And what have they advised or prescribed? (Obviously don’t share private info!).

@justwantobeamum I took two tests before I went on holiday, from 4-4+5 and it's those days that worry me as I know the development has happened then. A lot of development happens in week 5. I couldn't measure hcg from 4-4+5, so hcg may have shown up on the test already in 4+1, I don't know.

@Wolfiefan that I have to work on forgiving myself, focus on other things and accept that the thoughts are there but not necessarily believe the thoughts.

What is one step you can you take this evening towards that goal?

@redxlondon I really don't know, maybe choose to hope that it can go well. I feel like I've tried the various tools for several months now, but I still have the same fear.
maybe the fear is so great because there is a high probability that the child may have challenges and that I will blame myself no matter what comes up.

Great advice. I often have thoughts that need to be ignored. Intrusive? I find distraction, gentle exercise and spending time outside each day all help. What could help you today? Tomorrow?

The fear is so great because that’s what anxiety does to us! You need to find things that help that don’t focus on this illogical fear.

@Wolfiefan I think I have to try to focus on other things and leave the thought there even though I feel the anxiety. I just think this fear feels so real because it says everywhere online how dangerous week 5 drinking is. So it feels so logical. Thank you for sharing your experience with anxiety.