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Original poster

MIL telling me not to buy baby clothes? What should I do?

208 replies

Mummatobe98 · 12/09/2023 14:55

She keeps telling my partner and I that we shouldn't buy any stuff for baby as we will have stuff given to us from other people. It will be a great help having items from other people as babies grow so fast. But it would also be nice to have a few items that DP and I have chosen for our baby. I have bought three clothing items so far and every single time shes seen it she tells me not to.

I feel like buying baby stuff is a bonding process to
How would you feel and deal with this?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/09/2023 22:40

Op
On a serious note, google the 'broken record' technique. This is giving a similar boring answer to comments like that, every time like

'We're just doing what works best for us!'

Or 'we're doing things our way but will ask for help when we need it'

And keep repeating it

mummy21blueeyed · 12/09/2023 22:42

Please buy your own stuff. I bought 98% of all my own new baby items and it felt good. Don’t listen you need to but what I would say is don’t buy loads. I found and still do find they don’t wear everything! I had loads of baby stuff she hadn’t even worn!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/09/2023 23:00

mummy21blueeyed · 12/09/2023 22:42

Please buy your own stuff. I bought 98% of all my own new baby items and it felt good. Don’t listen you need to but what I would say is don’t buy loads. I found and still do find they don’t wear everything! I had loads of baby stuff she hadn’t even worn!

Yes me too!

QueSyrahSyrah · 12/09/2023 23:12

I think the fact that you're living with her changes the context quite a bit. Are we talking a pack of Primark vests she's objecting to, or a Gucci outfit?

It's lovely to buy nice things for your baby if you can afford it, but if you're relying on someone else for a roof over your heads then you can't.

It doesn't seem like she's overjoyed to have you living there, and the demands of a newborn aren't likely to change that. I'd be making shapes to move out asap, even if it delays buying a property for a while.

caringcarer · 13/09/2023 01:09

gawditswindy · 12/09/2023 14:57

Don't show it to her or tell her.

This she doesn't need to know as she is clearly not sharing your excitement. You do need a few bits of clothes for baby but she is right you may get given a lot. Only buy 3 sets in newborn or 0-3 months as they grow out of it so quickly and if a new baby won't even wear newborn but ho straight into 0-3 months. Keep receipts and don't take tickets off then if big baby or you get given lots of things you can swap it for a larger size.

mycoffeecup · 13/09/2023 06:20

Mummatobe98 · 12/09/2023 16:52

Mainly going out for meals, we spent 10 pounds on a pizza at dominos on Friday after work and she said we were wasting money

If you were living with me because you can't afford your own place, and you're pregnant, I'd be pretty pissed off if you were having takeaways - I'd expect that every penny would be saving for somewhere of your own. You can't really tell her to piss off if you're living with her rent-free. or do you pay a market rent?

diddl · 13/09/2023 07:32

If you were living with me because you can't afford your own place, and you're pregnant, I'd be pretty pissed off if you were having takeaways

Tbh I think that I would too.

Although tbh I wouldn't want to be housing a newborn so I'll give her that!

It obviously still doesn't give her a right to interfere/judge though-much less snoop!

I couldn't stay after that as there would be no trust.

BiddyPop · 13/09/2023 07:34

How did she come across what you bought? Was it lying around the house or had you put it away safely in your room?

You are perfectly entitled to buy what you want with your money but if you are living in her house to save money, she may have an opinion on what she sees as frivolous spending that could have been saved instead.

So get a few things that you really want and that are in your budget, but put them away safely in your room and out of her way. She shouldn't have any need to go through things in your room.

If she is going through your things, then you may need a discussion about boundaries and privacy with your DP that he can relate to MIL (or else you need to say it - but better to come from her own DC if possible). If you are old enough to have a baby, you are old enough to have privacy (in terms of DP's privacy) and you are also an adult who is not her DX so she has no right at all to go through your personal items.

IncompleteSenten · 13/09/2023 07:37

Well the fact you're living with her to save money changes things quite a bit.
That has the potential to piss her off and make her feel you're taking advantage.
Unnecessary spending can be paused until your goal has been achieved.

Musicalnames · 13/09/2023 08:16

Definitely buy your own things. We did receive quite a few gifts but we couldn't have relied on that. The gifts definitely didn't include all the things you need in the beginning and even if they did, many gifts don't arrive straight away because some people don't visit for weeks. We also found most people sized up and quite a lot of what we did receive wasn't to our taste. All of my favourite babygrows/outfits were things that I'd bought and was excited to wear on baby.

People are incredibly generous with a new baby but you only have a tiny little baby for a short time. I loved buying lots of lovely new baby things and making up baby's wardrobe and nursery, it's a special time. The initial weeks go by in a blur so the last thing you need once baby arrives is to be running to shops to pick things up that you need but don't have or to exchange gifts that aren't suitable! Enjoy this time and buy what you like.

With hindsight, definitely make sure you keep your receipts. I bought quite a lot in newborn and 0-3 but we just couldn't get through everything and I ended up exchanging for bigger sizes.

TTCbaby2023 · 13/09/2023 08:43

@Mummatobe98 You're a grown up, you don't need permission from your MIL to buy clothes for your baby and do what you wish.

Lilolilibet · 13/09/2023 08:45

This

LinaLouLa · 13/09/2023 09:05

Your baby, your money, your choice. Don't let other people start dictating what's best for your baby before it's even born.

Yes you'll be given bits as gifts/hand me downs but honestly, you need lots unless you want to be constantly washing.

And how did she find items you'd bought? She shouldn't be snooping!

jackieb123 · 13/09/2023 09:07

I think you're both right! I think maybe MIL is just trying to save you some money by pointing out that you'll be given lots of stuff, so there's no need to go mad buying mountains of 'stuff'. Whereas, ofc you want to buy some new things, because that's part of the excitement and part of the bonding - so do it!

Maybe try saying something like "We do understand you're just trying to save us some money and we appreciate the advice, but we WANT to buy a few new things too - we're sure you understand that." Then, if it happens again, you would be justified in saying "Thanks, but we've already explained how we feel about this", shutting down the conversation and swiftly changing the subject.

BasicPumpkinSpice · 13/09/2023 09:10

She's right, kind of. If this is your first baby you'll likely get a ton of stuff BUT generally this stuff isn't the tiny sizes or the big stuff (like pram, cot, etc).

Unless there is some massive backstory I would assume she said this with positive intent and not to undermine you.

hot2trotter · 13/09/2023 09:20

If she's this bad now, get ready for her to get a whole lot worse when the baby is born. Not a good idea to be living with her as a new mum, it will be absolute hell for you.

Maraa · 13/09/2023 09:22

It’s quite simple, your baby your money your choice! Congrats on the pregnancy, the best advice I ever got when pregnant was to find your own feet without other peoples opinions! Good luck xx

PenguinLove1 · 13/09/2023 09:23

Its a tough one as its your money and baby and you can spend as you like, but if you have asked to stay with her as you cant afford to get something of your own she will probably be getting annoyed thinking you are wasting money instead of saving - maybe she doesnt want you to end up there for too long?

Honestly even if it was just a one bedroom flat I would move out you will end up falling out once everyone is overtired etc with the baby

Sennelier1 · 13/09/2023 09:24

It's a way of trying to be in control. My MIL was the same, she was jealous of me doing all these nice things to welcome our baby! She insisted it was hér baby too - nót! - and wanted to share in everything, even insisting to be with DP and me at the midwife's. DP said loud and clear she had her mummy-time with him and that now she was to be a grandparent and know her place. So she was all the time like "baby will outgrow this in days, you're throwing away money" etc. and then even bought a full bottle-set. She didn't even ask wich bottles I wanted and bought the very oldfashioned ones because she had had those too when DP was a baby. I cried because I had wanted to pick those myself, but we were on a budget so could hardly throw hers out. In retrospect I should've stood up for myself a lot more.

Mamabear48 · 13/09/2023 09:26

Buy whatever you want and I would actually recommend getting loads for baby. We were gifted a bit for my oldest but not enough and I didn’t expect stuff from people. My second we hardly got anything given to us

Prettypaisleyslippers · 13/09/2023 09:27

Yes you will be given stuff but practically you will need loads of vest, sleepsuits and possibly warm weather clothes from the get go. Buy what you want and ignore her.

Also consider that a lot people gift sizes bigger than new born.

BasicPumpkinSpice · 13/09/2023 09:28

OP saw your update. Looks like the price of admission for free rent is your MIL monitoring your spends/criticizing your purchases. You need to decide if this is a price you are willing to pay for free rent.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 13/09/2023 09:29

Move out. If you are old enough to start a family you need your own home.

Katbum · 13/09/2023 09:37

‘It’ll be nice to get things from other people, if they are kind enough to gift them, but I’m enjoying buying baby things as a way to connect with the baby. Can you please not mention it again, it’s getting on my nerves.’

weirdoboelady · 13/09/2023 09:38

It does sound as if she is worried about money - and if you are staying with her to save money, she does have right to a view on this!

It also sounds as if you are nesting. Do you knit or crochet? I honestly think that if you learnt either of these and MADE something for your baby, it would make you very happy that you had something really special for the new baby. And baby things are tiny so are quite quick to produce, even if you are a beginner.

(In my fantasy world, MIL teaches you how to knit/crochet and you bond over this, but I do know this is way out of line. The bit about making something for baby making you deeply happy is still true despite my silly fantasies.)