Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

[Pippin18]

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

i don’t know what’s going on with him.

he came home and said he doesn’t want to split up but I’ve got to understand the same way I couldn’t get an abortion is the way he feels the other way - he doesn’t want it. so he hasn’t changed or even said he’s going to support, just that he loves me and doesn’t want to loose me.

I’ve just ignored him all day and he says he can’t understand why I’m being blunt.

Well your marriage as you had previously is over either way so you should focus on your three babies. Stop putting his feelings as important

I’ve just ignored him all day and he says he can’t understand why I’m being blunt.

He calls you blunt?

I'm guessing the irony is entirely lost on him.

He's telling you who he really is. You should listen.

.... as he is treating you terribly

It's because there is no grey area.

You can't have half a baby. He knows deep down - he is 50% responsible for this situation and desperately trying to make it all your fault so he can justify not taking responsibility for the situation he helped create.

And people will flame him alive if he tries to only consider his first two children and ignore the third. And rightly so. No one's gonna be like ahhh poor you.

It's not the same way.

He's drawing a false equivalency.

It's your body and your choice.

He is being ridiculous.

And he can't understand why you're being 'blunt'?! He's the only one allowed feelings, I suppose? You must immediately understand and respect and defer to his big important feelings, no matter how hurtful they are to you. But he is completely fine to not understand why you are being 'blunt'.

He is not accountable for his own behaviour, (psst - even when he sees it coming months in advance 'I don't know how I will react when you are showing') but you are not entitled to have any reaction at all in real time to his appalling abuse and bullying of you.

Abusive prick.

*he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!

he’s my best friend

No, he's really not.

He's sound ridiculous, disgusting and controlling and if he wanted his 'freedom', why is he a parent twice over already? He's at least 12 years too early with regard to your other two children, and shouldn't have been having sex (with contraception or not, failures happen, EVERYONE knows this or should do) with the possibility of another. Or should have had a vasectomy if he wanted to go that route.

His attitude to this, if he doesn't change it PDQ and grovel with a meaningful apology, whether you go ahead with the pregnancy or not, and whether you stay together or not, WILL affect not only you but the older boys too.

Don't make excuses for him or minimise his attitude. I am FED UP (today, on your behalf) of hearing this crap from some men.

To add, I do have experience of taking an unplanned (contraceptive failure) pregnancy to term, and much later and different scenario, choosing a termination. And dealing with the rather shocked father in each case.

just that he loves me and doesn’t want to loose me

This is not how one shows love. He's trying to manipulate you into what he wants. More , loads of good advice on here I'm sure (haven't had time to RTFT yet).

So he will leave if you “say you have split?” Is he 12?

Tell him it’s over because you can’t have his toxic behaviour around you and your children. I bet he still doesn’t fuck off.

He is despicable. I wouldn’t even be able to look at him.

Regardless of what happens he needs to book himself in for the snip asap so it can't happen again. If he doesn't then it suggests that perhaps he is keeping the option open with someone else in the future. His reaction is extreme and he needs to be talking through his thoughts with someone other than you.

Sadly your marriage is over either way.

you say he’d take the huff and ignore you that’s abusive right there all cos he doesn’t get his way and I’ll bet there is other things he’ll do and you haven’t noticed that is in fact abusive

id be inclined to tell him it’s over and to leave.

he won’t come round and if he says he will don’t believe him as he’s shown you who he is and he’ll treat the 3rd child like a second class citizen, I’ve seen it and it’s sad all round.

oh and don’t show him this thread ever cos he could escalate

As he is so against having more children, I'd be asking him when he has booked the appointment for his vasectomy consultation for.

See what he says to that. because I bet he will tell you he isn't getting one and contraception is your responsibility.

I would say the fact he didn't get one automatically after the last baby, when he is so fiercely against more children, and had you insert a bloody coil into your body instead means he is actually not against more children, just more children with you.

But he doesn't want to cut himself out of the equation of having more dc in the future, if you were to split up for example. I have heard this exact scenario from more than a couple of men who didn't want more children (but didn't want to rule it out either!).

Just a big hug OP. Its difficult enough for you with the shock of being pregnant when unplanned. Whatever his views on it, he is being absolutely vile to you.

And how can he compare just not wanting the hassle of a new baby with actually terminating that baby and the absolute head fuck that would put you through? Its not comparable. Ok, the timing is shit and it will be difficult, but hes comparing that to actually killing his child ffs. Because they will be a bit inconvenient.

If you were both young teens, unmarried, no money, not sure of your future then I could sort of understand that sort of reaction. But not from a married man with 2 kids already. Its just does not make any sense.

Yes, it's your body but he surely has a say in this too. He's behaving like an idiot at the moment but his choice is as valid as yours. You need to talk and talk and talk...I don't think he's the bad guy people are making him out to be.

No, it is both legally (in her jurisdiction) and morally her choice. As someone said, it was his choice whether to risk unplanned pregnancy by having sex with a fertile woman without having a vasectomy or doubling up protection with a condom and he now has to deal with the consequences as a reasonable man, not a bully.

@neilyoungismyhero you need to give your head a wobble.

I have asked him to go to his mums, but he won’t unless I say we have spilt!

Call his bluff. Tell him to fuck off to his mums and HE can tell them whatever he likes.

Seriously be done with this manipulation and emotional abuse.

I couldn't stay with someone who would refer to their child as 'it'.

I would be ending the relationship. I honestly see no other option here and no way back from this.

Spot on! A man doesn't get a say as it's not their body. The point where they have any say or control is in prevention, when having sex and knowing there's a chance and accepting that, using contraception and accepting risk, having a vasectomy so there's no risk or not having sex.

He doesn't understand why you're being blunt ????

What a dick .

I'd give him what he wants - in terms of saying ok , we are separated- off you fuck

Then blot him out for a while and look after you!

Rarely has a post on here made me so angry.

At the end of the day OP you did what you could to prevent a pregnancy, and got an IUD. There’s not much more you can do than physically getting something inserted into your uterus to prevent pregnancy. He cannot blame you for being lax!

Youre now pregnant and want the baby. You’ve decided to go ahead.

He now has 2 options- he apologises profusely and will be 100% an amazing dad and help with everything or he fucks off. His choice. It’s abusive to you and all your children to not care for the third child.

If you even want him that is. How would life look without him?

I would be even blunter

If he doesn't step up as a father and a husband and accept that sometimes life happens but you still have to be a decent person to your wife and your unborn child the he will lose you.

That alongside contraceptive choices men and women both get a medical choice to stop a pregnancy. He didn't take up his option of a vasectomy so he doesn't get to be an arse now if you wont take up your option of an abortion.

Then say you have split and he can go and live with his mum and dad till the divorce is finalised.

As for “he doesn’t want to lose you” I would tell him that because of his behaviour that ship has well and truly sailed and there is no coming back from this. He needs to go.

I think he is trying to make sure that he is seen as the poor put upon husband who has been brow beaten to have a 3rd child.
I bet he has already started the rhetoric to a select few that shows you are the evil one and he is the saintly injured party

No, he doesn't have a say in it. Her body, her choice. It's 2023 and there's still people peddling the "master of his wife's belly" nonsense.

I've got to understand the same way I couldn’t get an abortion is the way he feels the other way - he doesn’t want it

He didn't feel so strongly about not wanting a baby when he was shooting his load inside you, did he?

Don't fall for his wheedling.

“Too late. You lost me when you told our other kids that they couldn’t discuss this baby with you (Who even does that?). That was abusive. You lost me when you tried every single manipulative trick in the book to guilt trip me into doing something I am fundamentally opposed to doing. You lost me with your lack of responsibility for the creation of this baby and refusal to acknowledge that you have an obligation to be responsible for 50% of its upbringing as my partner or not. You lost me when you continued to sulk and moan about this being something done to YOU, without acknowledging that if I had gone ahead and killed the baby that is growing inside me just to placate you, our relationship would have been over anyway as I do not want to live with someone I resent for the rest of my life.”

just that he loves me and doesn’t want to loose me

Doesn't want to lose his bangmaid, more like it.

It’s abusive to you and all your children to not care for the third child.

This is it, in a nutshell. He has told you that he is willing to abuse his entire family unless you take on the responsibility and physical and emotional consequences for his contraceptive irresponsibility.

I'm so sorry. You, your sons, and your DC-on-the-way deserve far far better than him.