Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

[Pippin18]

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

He is being incredibly selfish. Surely if he forces you to abort your marriage is over anyway.
Don't let him bully you into doing something you don't want to do.

In my original post I said his behaviour was awful to OP but as an outsider looking at both parties POV, if he’s shocked and upset at an unplanned pregnancy then those are his feelings. He shouldn’t wish miscarriage on the baby which is a terrible thing to say, but if he doesn’t want a third then he’s allowed to feel like that.

Early days; he's still in shock. Your emotional shock has been overtaken by physiology.

A woman reacts in a different way to her unplanned pregnancy; partly because the baby is IN her, already already part of her body; and partly because she's subjected to a flood of pregnancy hormones designed to condition her body and brain to support pregnancy. ( This is why women can feel so shattered by an early loss that switches off the hormones.)

The father of the baby has none of that going on in his body, brain or hormones. So you're ahead of him on the physical and emotional curve.

Your husband has got a track record of loving his children and being a good dad. That's the trump card.

Give him time to get used to the idea of a new baby. There's every chance his feelings will change before it's born.

While I agree he very much could change his mind before baby is born, OP also doesn't need to be his punching bag. You can be shitting yourself while also being a supportive, good spouse. He isn't sitting renumerating silently or working through it sensibly with someone, he's being awful! He needs to be told he treats her with respect while he gets his head around it or he goes elsewhere while he gives his head a wobble.

Being "in shock" is no excuse for a man to speak to his wife like that. He's supposed to be an adult, not a petulant child. This guy is emotionally incontinent at best; more like selfish and coercive. Sorry, but no woman should feel they have to put up and excuse this behaviour.

So sorry you’re going through this! I fell unexpectedly pregnant with baby #3 last year - ours are a bit closer in age and were 1 & 3 at the time. My husband was of a similar mindset, didn’t want another baby, wanted me to get an abortion, wasn’t really that excited at all but now he’s here he’s said he couldn’t imagine life without him!

Your husband does sound like he’s being particularly hard work, but he had the option to have a vasectomy! The way I looked at it was that there was no way I could terminate a healthy baby, the brother or sister of my other two children and whilst we had to make a few changes - car for instance - he’s otherwise just slotted into our family!

Lean on your friends and family for support right now, your husband will come round I’m sure but don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do… he says he resents the baby, imagine how much you’d resent him if he forced you into a termination! Feel free to message me if you want to talk x

Not being thrilled at first is one thing but this man is vicious. There’s no excuse for that and it would cause me to fall out of love with him. I’d be giving him the cold shoulder for the foreseeable, to me he wouldn’t exist. I’d go about my business like he wasn’t there (no matter how hard that was).

Anyone can be a nice partner and father if everything is going their way and their wife has very low expectations for him, which you do. His previous good behaviour does not allow him to treat you this way, it only adds context to who he really is. You are managing to stay a loving parent and kind, thoughtful human being while dealing with grief and an unplanned pregnancy (in your body) and an abusive husband - he's throwing his toys out of the pram over less.

I would be particularly worried about the comments that he's unwilling to share you, yet he's willing to make you miserable and wish a miscarriage on you. It doesn't sound like he sees you as a person outside your role to him as a support person. I can't see your needs being met, either in the short term or in the future (which will have bumps, like ill health and problems, as everyone does at some point).

He needs to go to his parents and only return when he can guarantee that he is willing to talk to you like a human being and mother to his children. You must spell out to him that it is unacceptable to treat anyone this way and to use your children as weapons.

Good luck with the pregnancy OP, the baby is lucky to have you.

What a horrible man-how dare he say those things to you

and i dont like i dont want to share you again-youre not his prize puppy

get rid your poor baby will always be left out

There is a difference for me between a man being in total shock and not wanting another baby and saying so and one who wishes for miscarriage, says his partner has ruined his entire life, threatens suicidal comments and says he will not even look at the baby. That is ridiculous.

He's being so awful and vicious about a defenceless little unborn baby! I'd be sure to never leave him alone with the little one because you never know, if he hates baby now there's a good chance he'll hate them more when they're here.

What?

I fail to see how the OP is a bad parent, or bad human being in any way.

OP I feel sick reading the things your husband has said. The way he is speaking about his future child is utterly despicable.

I do agree with the above however, that your marriage is over. If my husband ever spoke to me in such a way or about one of his children I could never forgive that. He actually said he will be there for his sons but not his next child? What a vile man.

I'd be honest with your midwives at all your appointments; this could turn nasty and you need to be able to access support if you need it.

Absolutely this. He's a pitiful man. I'd be divorcing pronto.

Ok...

Post started strong and then... wtf?

You're not splitting the family up, he is! He's the one who has told you that he will disown his own child, that's splitting the family by splitting the children into the ones who have a daddy and the one who doesn't. What kind of callous cold-hearted arsehole could do that to his own child? And it'll affect the older two as well, they will wonder what the little one did to deserve it and whether daddy will disown them next.

This man thinks he owns your uterus. If he didn't, he'd have got a vasectomy or he'd have respected your choice from the outset. He's rowed back on repeating his insistence that you abort because he recognises that he is in danger of losing his unpaid skivvy and masturbation sheath, but trust me he's still thinking it.

Think about how you'd feel if you had a miscarriage tomorrow. How would you feel about him? Would you be able to forgive what he'd said? (Hint: very unlikely.) Would he support you in your grief or would he be too busy popping the champagne? Would he support you in breaking the news to DCs that they weren't getting a younger sibling after all, or would he leave you to it? (As an aside: how can he still pressure you to abort after telling DCs? Telling DCs about a sibling on the way when you intend to abort or coerce an abortion is IMO child abuse of the DCs.) What kind of father sees his DCs' joy at the news of a new sibling on the way and still wants to rob them and his DW of that baby? Can you trust that the baby won't have an "accident" if left alone with him after it's born? I wouldn't, given what he's said so far.

It doesn't matter what happens with this pregnancy in terms of your marriage being over, because he can't take back what he has said and done. Whether you miscarry, abort, or give birth, he has done and said those things. All that remains now is for you to recognise that he has finally shown you what happens when he doesn't get his own way immediately, realise that you deserve better, and prepare to divorce him.

When you go to court, fight for sole custody of all the DCs. Would you trust him not to harm the baby? I wouldn't. And it's not fair for the DCs to be treated differently from each other in respect of custody.

A normal reaction of a married man who already has 2 young children and accidently makes number 3 which he doesn't want, may well be inital panic. Along the lines of shit, this will complicate things.
Followed very possibly by a conversation of what the hell shall we do, is abortion an option. But on being faced with a wife who cannot bring herself to abort, a normal reaction of a loving husband would then be, well we'd better get on with it then and offer her his full support.

Not be a vile selfish prick to the woman he supposedly loves above anything else in the world. Yes, its going to make things tricky for a while and there will be some unheaval, but this is his child ffs. And his wife. He has hardly just been faced with a terminal illness diagnosis! His 'life' is not over! its a baby who will fit in just fine within moments of being born.

I'm so sorry that your DH is acting worse than a petulant toddler. He is all about him. Your description of his help with the other 2 when they were little is very telling. He is a good dad to your boys now, but is he and was he ever a great dad? Or does he just do what he needs to do until they are old enough.

I really don't want to throw any more shit at you but your situation is eerily close to an ex work collegues of mine. 2 kids already (3 and 4) and accidently became pregnant whilst on birth control. What she thought was a great relationship. Her husband did exactly the same as yours. Gave her ultimatums to abort, she was beside herself because he was behaving like someone she had no idea he was capable of being. Also saying he'd have nothing to do with the baby or be initmate with her. Blaming her for ruining his life. Trying his hardest to get rid of this baby. She could understand the fact it was just not great timing etc to have another, but his reaction was completely over the top devastated. I hate to say it turns out because he was having an affair for the past year and had told the OW him and her were separated, just living as housemates for the dc, so a pregnancy was something he simply couldn't explain away to his OW. When he meant ruining his life, he meant ruining what he had going on with his having his cake and eating it situation.
She kept the baby, the affair came out (OW actually contacted her when she found out about pregnancy because she realised they were very much still a married couple if a baby was now in the picture). I know this doesn't help, but if he is acting so crazily out of character and panicking about his life being ruined, this may be about more than just another baby.

Or he is just a selfish, childish little prick. I hope its the latter and he'll come to his senses in the next few days, apologise for his appalling behaviour and start supporting you as he should be.

Regardless. You know you want to keep this baby, and don't let him railroad blackmail you into making a choice you know you'll regret for the rest of your life, because that will eat you up inside forever.

"Last night he said He’ll never spilt up with me but it’s up to me if I can put up with the way he’s being, which tbh if he doesn’t change I can’t. I don’t deserve to be treated this way and our boys are picking up that something is wrong!"

With his 'I'll never split up with you' statement, what he's really saying is, "I will continue punishing you and you will put up with it". He knows you're a people-pleaser (has probably manipulated that to his own ends in the past) who will submit to this treatment, and he cruelly wishes to hurt you.

Tell him to leave NOW. Because frankly, your marriage is over if he keeps this behaviour up, isn't it? He needs to see what he's doing to you and to experience the inevitable consequences of his behaviour. I'm sure he'll throw shit at you, such as 'you're depriving our children of their father!' and anything else he knows will hurt you, but stand firm and get him out of the house. Him being there is driving you downwards. Tell him to leave. NOW.

Don't bother showing him this thread or otherwise trying to change his mind because you cannot trust him to be sincere. Just get out as fast as you can. Men often turn violent for the first time during pregnancy, and he's already said that he wishes you'd miscarry, I wouldn't put a few kicks to the stomach to make that happen past him. When he said that he wouldn't know how he'd react when you started to show, that was possibly a coded warning for future violence.

The reason why nothing like this has happened before is because you've always let him get his way, as you said you are a people pleaser. Please, for your and your unborn DC's safety, move out. A studio flat will do.

A normal reaction of a married man who already has 2 young children and accidently makes number 3 which he doesn't want, may well be inital panic. Along the lines of shit, this will complicate things.
Followed very possibly by a conversation of what the hell shall we do, is abortion an option. But on being faced with a wife who cannot bring herself to abort, a normal reaction of a loving husband would then be, well we'd better get on with it then and offer her his full support.

Absolutely this. 100 times over. This is a normal, healthy relationship.

Your husband is beneath contempt.

He needs booked in for a vasectomy.

"he doesn’t want to share me again!" - he already does, with your two boys, and that will never change now.
" I enquired but I couldn’t do it" - totally understand, I'm pro-choice but couldn't make that choice for myself.
"Wishes I’d miscarry" - this is unforgiveable.
"I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts" - emotional control and coerciveness.
"he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship" - he's no longer your best friend and your relationship is far from solid.

He has every right to feel that he doesn't want another child. He has no right to react in this way and try to emotionally blackmail you. I think this one needs throwing back.

The coil is 99% effective so 1 in 100 will get pregnant, I used this but it moved out of place twice so don't trust it. Condoms are 98%, 2 in 100. We use condoms but can say I wouldn't be happy if I got pregnant but would get over it, husband would be so upset but I've repeatedly told him that it's on him if we were the unlucky and he needs to get a vasectomy if he wants the guarantee but he's not done anything about it so he mustn't be that bothered but he would be out if he pressured me like your husband is. Even if I wanted an abortion the pressure and way he's speaking to you would get enough for me to call it a day.
Your husband knew the odds and took the chance, nice he has to deal with it or move out. He keeps putting it all in you but ignoring his part in it and the impact he's having on your family

This is such a nasty comment. I can't believe anyone would think it's acceptable to say those things - mind boggling indeed! What a load of fucking sexist rubbish. Man behaves like a complete prick but yes, woman is much worse and to blame 👍

This is a fairly fresh situation that OP is coming to terms with. She hasn't "brought a baby into the house" 🙄 She is asking for support and encouragement. Her head must be spinning. Knock it off calling her spiteful names and telling her she's a bad parent. It says far, far more about what kind of person you are, that you would choose to say those things to a vulnerable woman in a crisis.