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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

437 replies

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 00:07

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 07/06/2023 14:25

@Pippin18 massive squishes.

it does sound like he needs a form of therapy anyway as you say he has massive anxiety around the boys. This coupled with the sulking etc…. He needs to work on his anxieties to be a better father to the boys and partner to you.

I’d also really push couples counselling to help with how you communicate in general especially if he’s a sulker.

good luck. x

SkyandSurf · 07/06/2023 14:26

"I have asked him to go to his mums, but he won’t unless I say we have spilt!"

Why does he get to make these arbitrary decrees?

You want some space, he's being abusive, you both will benefit from time apart.

He doesn't get to put conditions on it.

He's trying to make everything your fault.

FancyFran · 07/06/2023 14:26

Oh I love the next 'trick ' if you say we've split I will leave. No blame on him, all on you. You're the bady. He can then say you did the breaking up of the family. I am seriously worried about you and all your children. I have posted up thread and I don't want to scare you but please take some legal advice. Another poster mentioned what his abuse could be like when you show. My friend nearly died after her partners abuse. He was having countless affairs. He had targeted her for her families money. She had three abortions before she said no more.
I am going to say I think your husband is a total arsewipe. And I agree with my friend @Crunchymum@Crunchymum(tis me sav with a different hat) 'cee you next Tuesday' suits this man even better.
For God sake don't show him this thread. We will all be hair armpitted man haters. We're not, we just want you to get those big girl pants on and tell him to fuck the fuck off. No one deserves this shit.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 07/06/2023 14:27

I have asked him to go to his mums, but he won’t unless I say we have spilt!

He's doing that as a stealth ultimatum: either you back down and put up with him disowning your DC3 (at best) or else you end the marriage. Then he can paint you as the awful harridan who split the family up.

There's more red flags here than in a Communist Party parade.

TolkiensFallow · 07/06/2023 14:27

I think your relationship is over either way. You aren’t going to abort and if you did it would be the end of it. You can’t keep it and let him abuse you and the baby by being so vile about it.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 07/06/2023 14:32

if you did it would be the end of it

I think you meant "wouldn't"? The OP would forever know that her "D"H has coerced her abortion and remember what he said and how he behaved.

WoosMama13 · 07/06/2023 14:32

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 07/06/2023 14:27

I have asked him to go to his mums, but he won’t unless I say we have spilt!

He's doing that as a stealth ultimatum: either you back down and put up with him disowning your DC3 (at best) or else you end the marriage. Then he can paint you as the awful harridan who split the family up.

There's more red flags here than in a Communist Party parade.

Absolutely this. Paint himself in the best light when a split happens (if he can't force it sooner), but he didn't take any precautions to prevent an unwanted pregnancy and he is in control of his appalling behaviour since, but choosing to behave as he is.
OP please be careful. X

TheCatterall · 07/06/2023 14:37

I wonder how his family would act if they knew what he was saying and how he was behaving? Would their disgust be a kick up the arse for him to have a word with himself?

Newestname002 · 07/06/2023 14:37

@Pippin18

He’s making me second guess myself, saying I’m going to rock the boat for the kids ect! what if the baby is disabled. What if the baby has something wrong with it. It’s your choice I hope it’s right for you.

These are questions he should have asked himself before he stopped using condoms or deciding not to have a vasectomy but still having sex with you. He is equally responsible for this new pregnancy and can't now shove all the decisions or responsibilities onto you. 🌹

Original poster
Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 14:43

TheCatterall · 07/06/2023 14:37

I wonder how his family would act if they knew what he was saying and how he was behaving? Would their disgust be a kick up the arse for him to have a word with himself?

They know and just say they have their own opinions but won’t get involved!!

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 07/06/2023 14:44

TheCatterall · 07/06/2023 14:37

I wonder how his family would act if they knew what he was saying and how he was behaving? Would their disgust be a kick up the arse for him to have a word with himself?

I was wondering how wise it would be for OP to have a chat with DMIL over coffee. Not starting the conversation with "this is how your son's been behaving" but "I'm pregnant, thought I'd let you know that there's another DGC on the way" because then DMIL will either be like "I didn't know, how come my son never told me?" or "yeah he said" and then say how he's spun it to her, then say how he's behaved and see how she reacts.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 07/06/2023 14:46

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 14:43

They know and just say they have their own opinions but won’t get involved!!

Show quote history

Ah, right. In which case, if they already know how he's treated you (from you) then he will struggle to spin this against you so you might as well tell him it's over and he should leave.

PumpkinQueen1 · 07/06/2023 14:47

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 14:09

I’m not having an abortion, he won’t change that. I couldn’t do it, It would of messed me up completely.

no - he doesn’t usually call the shots. Like I said before either everything else I’ve always told him straight. I think I’m just having a shit time in general lately which 100% plays a part in how I’ve been. Then he’s just added to all of this. I am a people pleaser but I’m not a doormat.

I would go as far as to say I’m sure he isn’t having an affair/fling either.

He has massive anxiety over the boys - always worrying about them. He is a good dad and has been an amazing partner up until now. He does sulk a lot when he doesn’t ger his own way - we have spoken about this before. But this is a whole other level. I’ve never seen him act like this anymore.

I get it was unplanned and he’s upset, scared and I get his feelings. But I don’t see how that justifies his behaviour at all! I know it isn’t right and I’ve told him so.

I’m scared too, it was planned for me either.

he’s not an only child - in fact he’s one of three.

I have asked him to go to his mums, but he won’t unless I say we have spilt!

This is the first of him acting this way.

I think you should tell him you've split then, if that's how he wants to play it.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, but you need to put your foot down.

justgettingthroughtheday · 07/06/2023 14:50

Do you know what his parents opinion is? Or will they not share it?
Personally I would tell him to pack his bags and get out!
Do you have support from friends and your family with what's going on? Would any of them be able to get through to your husband?

neilyoungismyhero · 07/06/2023 14:54

Yes, it's your body but he surely has a say in this too. He's behaving like an idiot at the moment but his choice is as valid as yours. You need to talk and talk and talk...I don't think he's the bad guy people are making him out to be.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 07/06/2023 14:54

But it wasn't "unplanned" by him; he had sex with a fertile woman (no contraception is 100% safe) WITHOUT using protection himself.

Does he not understand how human biology works?

You used protection, but HE didn't. This pregnancy is 100% on him; he could have withdrew, he could have used a condom, he could have got a vasectomy.

He CHOSE to do none of these things.

He CHOSE to roll the dice and potentially impregnate you and is now being abusive because he has to deal with the consequences of his own actions.

Apart from being an arsehole, your H is quite clearly stupid for blaming you.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 07/06/2023 14:55

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 07/06/2023 14:27

I have asked him to go to his mums, but he won’t unless I say we have spilt!

He's doing that as a stealth ultimatum: either you back down and put up with him disowning your DC3 (at best) or else you end the marriage. Then he can paint you as the awful harridan who split the family up.

There's more red flags here than in a Communist Party parade.

@Pippin18 take real note of this.

Original poster
Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 14:58

justgettingthroughtheday · 07/06/2023 14:50

Do you know what his parents opinion is? Or will they not share it?
Personally I would tell him to pack his bags and get out!
Do you have support from friends and your family with what's going on? Would any of them be able to get through to your husband?

His mum told me she wouldn’t have aborted at 12 weeks and his dad said he shouldn’t be acting the way he is. They have both hold him the same thing.
But won’t actually have a word and talk to him!

OP posts:
candlesflamesandbrooms · 07/06/2023 14:58

If my son ever acted like this with his wife.

I would come down on him so hard the house would shudder and I wouldn't care of his age.

I'm pro choice btw so I believe it's a women's choice as women bare the brunt of children(broadly speaking)

Does he have a best friend that can say mate come on your being a absolute bellend ? Anyone he trusts to help ?

This didn't happen at him, he was part of a duo here and as much as he wants to pretend he was forced unless he had a gun to his head when you were shagging. He needs to give his head a good bash.

SkyandSurf · 07/06/2023 15:03

@Pippin18

Kick him out to his mums. Maybe when he's under their roof they will just have to deal with him.

I mean, they shouldn't have to given he's a 32 year old man, but better them than you at this moment in time.

Tell your PIL that you're not splitting but you need time apart until cooler heads can prevail.

Then do all the sensible things you've been told on this thread. Make records with your midwife, counselling, speak to a lawyer, look after yourself.

FelisCatus0 · 07/06/2023 15:04

neilyoungismyhero · 07/06/2023 14:54

Yes, it's your body but he surely has a say in this too. He's behaving like an idiot at the moment but his choice is as valid as yours. You need to talk and talk and talk...I don't think he's the bad guy people are making him out to be.

@neilyoungismyhero He had a choice; to have a vasectomy. He decided that he wasn't that against having another baby. Any man who says he wishes his wife miscarried and that he would neglect and ignore his child is not just "the bad guy", he is absolute scum from the sewer!!! This is one of the worst cases of domestic abuse I have ever seen on here.

caringcarer · 07/06/2023 15:16

I got pregnant for the third time in exactly the same way as you OP. Because I was on contraception O didn't think to test for pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant at about 14 or 15 weeks. I had a period during this time and my Dad died so I thought the missing periods were to do with how upset I was. My DH was in shock when I told him. So was I. Our older children were 10 1/2 and 8. We had a girl and a boy and honestly believed our family was complete. We were in shock for about 1-2 weeks then EXDH said he would support whatever choice I made. He recognised I would have to be the one to give birth again and breastfeed and stay home from my job for a year. Our third son was not planned but by the time he was born he was very much wanted and loved from day 1 by both of us. Your DH sounds vile. He is being abusive to you and throwing tantrums to try to influence your decision. If you can't go through with an abortion you can't. I couldn't either, not when I was married and in a comfortable financial position and had family support too. If I was broke and living on the streets it might be different. I would issue him with an ultimatum 'accept I'm pregnant and treat me and the baby well or leave me to get on with raising our DC alone'. It would be awful if he treats the baby differently to your older DS's. Nobody stopped him from getting a vasectomy. My EXDH got one 6 or 7 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. I've never once regretted having our third child, our second DS. Despite the age gap as adults now he is very close to his older brother and they often go to the cinema together or out for a meal.

justgettingthroughtheday · 07/06/2023 15:17

@Pippin18 send him back to his mothers! I would bet his mum will say something to him when he's back under her roof!
Does he have a best mate or siblings who might tell him what a prat he is being?

caringcarer · 07/06/2023 15:32

This gets worse! If he tells your boys he doesn't want the new baby that would be the final straw for me. He's trying to put you under so much stress that you miscarry. Can you leave him looking after your boys and go for a break for a few days? What about staying with your Mum? She will look after you and make a fuss of you so you feel loved and cared for. I'd also be telling his family what he's really like. How he's pressuring you and threatening the baby even before it's born. I'd never be able to forget how he treated you when you desperately needed support. He'd have to do a complete 180 degrees for me to stay with him and I'd be telling him that. OP it is not you breaking up your family it is him and his selfishness. I'd tell him that too. Now your 2 son's know and are excited, perhaps he will change his mind. I really hope so.

SafferUpNorth · 07/06/2023 15:36

@Pippin18 Glad to hear you're standing firm and not buckling to his demand that you have an abortion against your own wishes. Please be equally clear to him that you will not tolerate being spoken to like this, and for your baby to be treated differently to their siblings. He either gets on board or he can leave.

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