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Original poster

Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

437 replies

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 00:07

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

OP posts:
littlehoops · 07/06/2023 12:48

Ok it's one thing to be upset and shocked by an unplanned pregnancy but he's basically saying he will isolate this third child and have nothing to do with him or her, whilst continuing to be a dad to the other two? That's a unbelievably shocking thing to say. Does he know how much damage he could cause to a child if he followed through on that? I would be genuinely concerned about this very worrying part of his character.

2bazookas · 07/06/2023 12:51

Being "in shock" is no excuse for a man to speak to his wife like that.

Actually, yes it is. ANYBODY can react appallingly to the shock of bad news. Their brain scrambles.

I've witnessed intelligent, caring, loving people do and say absolutely crazy things, completely out of character, during severe emotional shock (not physical injury).

Nothingisblackandwhite · 07/06/2023 12:53

2bazookas · 07/06/2023 12:51

Being "in shock" is no excuse for a man to speak to his wife like that.

Actually, yes it is. ANYBODY can react appallingly to the shock of bad news. Their brain scrambles.

I've witnessed intelligent, caring, loving people do and say absolutely crazy things, completely out of character, during severe emotional shock (not physical injury).

Are you for real ? It’s been 3 weeks ! Stop making excuses for men abusing women

Lemonpepper · 07/06/2023 12:55

2bazookas · 07/06/2023 12:51

Being "in shock" is no excuse for a man to speak to his wife like that.

Actually, yes it is. ANYBODY can react appallingly to the shock of bad news. Their brain scrambles.

I've witnessed intelligent, caring, loving people do and say absolutely crazy things, completely out of character, during severe emotional shock (not physical injury).

No. He is being cold and calculated. He's already making planned ultimatums saying how he'll treat this innocent child and making veiled threats about how he doesn't know how he might react as his pregnant wife's belly grows.

He's absolute scum.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 07/06/2023 12:55

2bazookas · 07/06/2023 12:51

Being "in shock" is no excuse for a man to speak to his wife like that.

Actually, yes it is. ANYBODY can react appallingly to the shock of bad news. Their brain scrambles.

I've witnessed intelligent, caring, loving people do and say absolutely crazy things, completely out of character, during severe emotional shock (not physical injury).

And when the shock wears off, they apologise profusely and are appalled by their own behaviour. By contrast, the OP's husband has stuck to his guns.

Lemonpepper · 07/06/2023 12:57

he doesn’t want to share me again

This comment is so gross and creepy.

TillyBilly29 · 07/06/2023 13:04

SkaterBrained · 07/06/2023 12:18

Anyone can be a nice partner and father if everything is going their way and their wife has very low expectations for him, which you do. His previous good behaviour does not allow him to treat you this way, it only adds context to who he really is. You are managing to stay a loving parent and kind, thoughtful human being while dealing with grief and an unplanned pregnancy (in your body) and an abusive husband - he's throwing his toys out of the pram over less.

I would be particularly worried about the comments that he's unwilling to share you, yet he's willing to make you miserable and wish a miscarriage on you. It doesn't sound like he sees you as a person outside your role to him as a support person. I can't see your needs being met, either in the short term or in the future (which will have bumps, like ill health and problems, as everyone does at some point).

He needs to go to his parents and only return when he can guarantee that he is willing to talk to you like a human being and mother to his children. You must spell out to him that it is unacceptable to treat anyone this way and to use your children as weapons.

Good luck with the pregnancy OP, the baby is lucky to have you.

Completely agree with this

WoosMama13 · 07/06/2023 13:04

Forgive me for my incoming strong views, but as a survivor of abuse, including mental- get out now. Tell him to leave and get the best legal support you can to arrange child arrangements and the divorce. Do not try it between yourselves as he will manipulate or go back on his word. He can't as easily with a court ruling.
As for telling the children, if they're excited, that's amazing. Just please be careful that he doesn't force his views onto them and they resent the baby too. Could that be his plan? Upset from the children would add to his pressure for you not to have the baby. Possible over thinking, but people like him are clever. Sounds like he gets things his way a lot and in previous pregnancies you've done a lot of it alone. This isn't on. You deserve better.
Being a single mum is tough, I won't deny it. But it is rewarding. And if you have great family (on your side) and friends, you've got this.
You and your three little ones will flourish once rid of this man.
Again I am sorry for this strong view. Good luck. Xx

Crunchymum · 07/06/2023 13:06

EileenAdler · 07/06/2023 11:45

You cannot evict somebody from their own property.

She doesn't need to "evict" him, but she can ask him to leave, which he should respect. This will at least show him that she isn't taking his shit. Action is needed here.

Although he sounds like the type of cunt who would stay to punish her even more!

Bobbielikespeas · 07/06/2023 13:08

I don't understand what husband wants you to do now. You can't have an abortion, so what does he want you to do, give up the baby for adoption? How messed up, he should be supportive. Counselling if not a divorce.

honeylulu · 07/06/2023 13:09

I'm appalled at this. Is he used to calling the shots in your marriage by any chance? It sounds like he can't cope with not getting his own way. He seems to think if you don't do what he wants you will stay married and he will get to punish you ad infinitum. He says he "won't leave" as if he's the sole authority on whether the marriage continues or not. "Doesn't want to share you" - it doesn't seem to have occurred to him that if you divorce him he won't have you at all. Have you told him his behaviour is a deal breaker if he keeps it up? He doesn't like your decision, well, tell him you don't like his decision to consciously behave so appallingly.

Crunchymum · 07/06/2023 13:09

2bazookas · 07/06/2023 12:51

Being "in shock" is no excuse for a man to speak to his wife like that.

Actually, yes it is. ANYBODY can react appallingly to the shock of bad news. Their brain scrambles.

I've witnessed intelligent, caring, loving people do and say absolutely crazy things, completely out of character, during severe emotional shock (not physical injury).

Another woman excusing a man's appalling behaviour.

And an unplanned pregnancy (with a long term partner you already share two children with) shouldn't warrant this kind of extreme reaction. It isn't normal or and it most certainly isn't excusable.

Themaghag · 07/06/2023 13:11

If he is/was adamant that he didn't want another child, he should have had a vasectomy after your second son was born. This is totally on him. Frankly, I'd be tempted to carry out an immediate DIY vasectomy on him now if I was you!

Daleksatemyshed · 07/06/2023 13:12

No call for that @Eupemiaroses , the Op is upset enough without your nastiness.
@Pippin18 you admit you're a people pleaser but this time you need to please yourself. Your Husband is being an entitled idiot, how dare he try and bully you into an abortion, and to suggest you'd be over it in a few months is so shallow, does he think it's like having a tooth out?
I think it is possible he's having an affair, men do the only staying for the DC excuse and a pregnant wife shows the OW what a liar they are. He's so extreme in his reaction there must be more to it. Do some digging Op, read his phone if possible, you need to know the truth here. Either way I'd have to leave him, how could you ever forgive him for the terrible things he's said

Paris14eme · 07/06/2023 13:17

This happened to me. We had two boys (5) and (3) at the time. He threatened to kill himself. I aborted. Long story short when he saw how anguished I was after the abortion (wasn’t right for me, only for him), I got pregnant again. Twelve years on he loves all his kids but we are divorced. The OP must do what is right for her, not him. I learnt that the hard way. Good luck.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 07/06/2023 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Have you lost your mind? What a horrible post, but worse, it’s a really, really stupid one.

beachcitygirl · 07/06/2023 13:26

@Eupemiaroses your post may be the most vile post I've ever seen on this site.

Disgusting

Cherryblossoms85 · 07/06/2023 13:27

What a wanker. My husband wasn't thrilled either (partly due to a misunderstanding when I said "I can't do this", by which he thought I meant the baby and I meant the abortion), but he certainly didn't say any of that.

LumpySpaceCow · 07/06/2023 13:30

Sorry your going through this OP.
You mention he's your best friend - I wouldn't treat my best friend in this way. He's trying to manipulate and emotionally blackmail you into something that you don't want to do. I can understand his feelings but not his actions - he should be supporting you.
My friend found herself in a similar situation - her DH still reminds her that he didn't want the baby....10 years on!!!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 07/06/2023 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

As we say in FWR: the first rule of misogyny is that women are responsible for what men do.

He fucked her bareback, he didn't get a vasectomy, he left the contraception all to her, he behaved appallingly and threatened explicitly to disown his DC3 id she carried to term, he made veiled threats about not knowing how he will behave when she starts showing, he said the frightening statement about "not wanting to share" her, but somehow this is her fault? Hmm

He is the problem, not her. He has caused this.

Take your misogyny to the MRA bit of Reddit because it's not welcome here.

billy1966 · 07/06/2023 13:47

IFIWASAFISH · 07/06/2023 12:25

There is a difference for me between a man being in total shock and not wanting another baby and saying so and one who wishes for miscarriage, says his partner has ruined his entire life, threatens suicidal comments and says he will not even look at the baby. That is ridiculous.

Completely agree.

Disappointment and annoyance at himself for not being more proactive, even worry.

But this man has been truly vicious.

I would never trust him again, it's that simple.

Verbal incontinence it may be, but you also cannot, unhear it.

GalaApples · 07/06/2023 13:48

Don't let him presurise you into an abortion. I know you have decided against, but he may not have given up. Seriously, whatever "shock" he might have been in, there is no excuse for how he has spoken and behaved to you. Is he a child? He sounds completely selfish and irresponsible and immature. As for you ruining his life, it takes two to make a baby, and what about your feelings and your shock when you found out? It is as though you are not supposed to have these.
In your position I would cut my losses with him, get him to leave, and see a solicitor about child access in view of your concerns that he may try and influence your DC against the baby.
You have been amazingly strong so far with yoru other DC, and you have a supportive family, so you can do this. Good luck OP.

Original poster
Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 14:09

I’m not having an abortion, he won’t change that. I couldn’t do it, It would of messed me up completely.

no - he doesn’t usually call the shots. Like I said before either everything else I’ve always told him straight. I think I’m just having a shit time in general lately which 100% plays a part in how I’ve been. Then he’s just added to all of this. I am a people pleaser but I’m not a doormat.

I would go as far as to say I’m sure he isn’t having an affair/fling either.

He has massive anxiety over the boys - always worrying about them. He is a good dad and has been an amazing partner up until now. He does sulk a lot when he doesn’t ger his own way - we have spoken about this before. But this is a whole other level. I’ve never seen him act like this anymore.

I get it was unplanned and he’s upset, scared and I get his feelings. But I don’t see how that justifies his behaviour at all! I know it isn’t right and I’ve told him so.

I’m scared too, it was planned for me either.

he’s not an only child - in fact he’s one of three.

I have asked him to go to his mums, but he won’t unless I say we have spilt!

This is the first of him acting this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 14:15

*wasn’t planned. Not planned!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/06/2023 14:25

honeylulu · 07/06/2023 13:09

I'm appalled at this. Is he used to calling the shots in your marriage by any chance? It sounds like he can't cope with not getting his own way. He seems to think if you don't do what he wants you will stay married and he will get to punish you ad infinitum. He says he "won't leave" as if he's the sole authority on whether the marriage continues or not. "Doesn't want to share you" - it doesn't seem to have occurred to him that if you divorce him he won't have you at all. Have you told him his behaviour is a deal breaker if he keeps it up? He doesn't like your decision, well, tell him you don't like his decision to consciously behave so appallingly.

I would say this is very likely.

I am not one to generally think of cheating, but his reaction is so vicious and disproportionately shocking in his threats, I would wonder could there be something to it.

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