Is there really no time for a cuppa with a newborn?

[feijoo]

I am due in 5 weeks with my first born and one particular question keeps going around my head.

If newborns sleep up to 17 hours a day, why am I reading everywhere that there is no time for parents to make/drink a cuppa, go to the toilet, shower etc? I can't understand it. If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap, why can't you make a cuppa?

I am very confused and starting to second guess myself - am I being naive? I fully understand that having a newborn is a relentless cycle of feeding, nappy change and sleep but I am quite keen to have my baby and get on with my life e.g. do things while they are sleeping.

Any clarification greatly appreciated. xx

It really depends on what your baby is like. Mine as a new born would not sleep in her crib or Moses basket and would only sleep on me (or DH but he was working). If I tried to put her down once asleep she would wake up then cry for ages. I got a lot of time sitting down but couldn’t do anything with the time.

It all depends on the type of baby you get and if your newborn will be put down. Our baby only slept on us day and night for at least 12 weeks, he had reflux (unknown at the time) and just wouldn’t be put down. He was the most relaxed baby if he was being cuddled but we didn’t get a lot done (a lot of tv though!)

It's funny. I remember with my first that there was a slot during which I could have a shower and get dressed and, if I missed it, I was then stuck in bed until 10. Not entirely sure why I couldn't just put my baby in his cot for 15 minutes.

Come the second, there was no such luxury and the baby had to slot in with looking after a toddler. So I guess that whole I have no time thing was my choice and slight ineptitude as a first time mum.

I think it largely depends on your baby. My first took forever to get to sleep and never sat happily in a seat. So it was a case of being stuck holding him or endure the screaming. You're also totally knackered from lack of sleep which doesn't help getting on with stuff in the day.

I'm sure you'll make it work and your wellbeing in terms of getting a drink or whatever is as important as the baby's.

Entirely depends on the newborn. DD screamed night and day, woke hourly from birth, barely napped, certainly didn’t nap in her Moses basket or pram, woke if put down, etc etc.

DS slept way more than 17 out of 24 hours until he was about 12 weeks old. We could barely bathe him or do a bedtime routine – he just wasn’t awake! Woke to feed or if he’d done a poo, otherwise we just transferred him from basket to pram to car to floor or wherever and went about our lives. I ate so much cake. It was lovely.

Bastard four-month regression has now hit and I barely have time for lunch.

(Both mine had quite bad reflux)

17 hours a day my arse. And it was in short chunks and on me. And of course for the sleepy bit I was recovering from a c-section so not exactly comfy.

However, with a water boiler and a thermos cup, you can have a hot cup of tea any time you like.

However, I had friends who got bored and did PhDs. There are all sorts of babies.

I am due next month with my second child. My firstborn wouldn't sleep unless on me. For the first few months a baby doesn't realise they are separate to you so don't be surprised if baby struggles to sleep in the crib. That being said, some babies adapt quickly. Initially feeds can be every 2 hours day and night so it's the constant interruption of sleep that is hard. If baby gets colic/reflux its even harder. PIf breastfeeding, the cluster feeds can start and you can be feeding for soooooo long. At newborn stage you are babies everything so it can be hard to find time to do things. I found newborn stage the hardest to be honest.

My baby is now 13 weeks old and has only just started sleeping in her cot for naps during the day. As a newborn she only slept while being held. I could make a cup of tea but would have to do it one handed!

I can now shower or leave the room without her crying and can leave her on her play mat whilst I potter about in the same room or make lunch, all of this would have seemed impossible a few weeks ago. All babies are different though, once I read up on the 4th trimester I was more at peace with being restricted with what I could and couldn’t do.

First of all your newborn has to sleep in the same room you are, that's both for daytime and nighttime sleep. Not being able to get a cuppa is a bit on a scaremongering side, however:
It all depends on your newborn, but their sleep is generally all over the place:

• at first they have no sense of day and night, so they start night sleep very late.
• their naps are frequent but short.
• they wake up a lot
• their sleep is very loud (that was a complete shock to me and my antenatal class friends)
• they may want to only sleep on you for naps (very common), but sometimes for all sleep.
• they may cry for long periods of time and you won't know why.
• if you're planning on breastfeeding that takes long periods of time (it gets better though)

All of the above and all the new responsibilities will make you very, very tired and likely trying to get any sleep you can yourself. So make sure your partner is there for you as much as possible. You can take shifts at night, he can make you that cuppa and snacks to have while you're feeding, he can clean, do laundry etc. My husband pretty much took over domestic duties for the first 3 months when we had our first.
If you have any other support network asking how they can help, accept it. Unlikely you'll want their help with baby at first, but they can cook, they can clean...

Lastly, it will be hard, but also there'll be so many magical moments - newborn cuddles, watching them grow, seeing them smile for the first time - enjoy it.

If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap

Neither of my two napped in their cribs. DD1 napped on us or in the pram for nearly 3 years before stopping napping without ever napping in crib/cot/bed. DD2 has just turned 1 and js yet to nap in her cot.

DD1 would scream bloody murder literally the second she was put down (not just for naps, just if she was ever not held for any reason) for the first 6 months. She didn't have reflux, she was just a grump. I just had to let her scream tbh or I'd never have gone for a wee or eaten any lunch for the whole of mat leave.

DD2 was more laid back (still is) so I would shower with her in the bouncer in the bathroom and she'd just chill.

You don't get anything on your terms anymore. Everything is determined by the baby. It depends on the baby, they're all very different. Especially with the first. Second and onwards you learn fast but that's when you get no time to yourself at all.

Neither of mine slept much and due to colic and food allergies they cried for hours everyday. Getting a cup of tea was the least of my concerns. Toilet trips, getting washed and dressed and getting everyone else fed was my life and it was tough.

As others have said, they sleep, but only on you when they’re weeny. Tea is hard because you can’t have a hot drink over their head. Best advice is before you start feeding (and probable nap afterwards) have a pint of water, the remote and your phone/ iPad to hand.

Like PP have said, it totally depends on the baby, and how you adjust to being a new mum. When my first DD was born she wouldn’t sleep anywhere other than on me to start with, and then when I eventually managed to put her down to begin with she would only do 20 minutes at a time. When she slept, in her cot, for longer stretches I was such an exhausted, overwhelmed, nervous wreck from the hormones, the traumatic birth, very difficult start to breastfeeding, lockdown, and the grinding exhaustion of a non-sleeping baby, that I didn’t really have a clue what to do with myself! I did drink a lot of tea though, or I never would have survived. However, she was happy awake in a bouncer so I could always shower and get on with keeping the house etc. DD2 was a much easier newborn. She easily clocked up 17 hours of sleep a day at the start whereas DD1 wouldn’t have gotten near that. I think it helps to have low expectations and hopefully you’ll be pleasantly surprised. I don’t think I had a realistic sense of what having a baby could be like before DD1 was born.

Depends on your newborn. My first, nope! My second, wonderfully relaxing.

Buy yourself a little thermos cup so at least when you do finally get to it it's still warm

As others have said, a lot of it depends on your baby and whether they can be put down for naps etc. Also if you have support from a partner/ family/ friends to help care for the baby, things can be much easier.

i remember being pregnant and people saying things like ‘enjoy your hot drink/ hot meal/ sleep while you can’ I think it’s just one of those things people say to parents to be! Take it with a pinch of salt, I think people are often quicker to share the hardships. I was lucky to have a baby that would nap in her Moses basket so had plenty of hot drinks and meals. I also slept better those first few weeks than my last few uncomfortable weeks of pregnancy! But even with that said, it can just take time to get in the swing of things (like it used to take me ages to get out of the house with my newborn but a few months in, I found it pretty easy as knew what I needed, had a bit of a routine so could be more time efficient.

Babies change, mines is 18m now and I’ve had times of good sleep/ terrible sleep, times when I’ve sat down and enjoyed a hot drink and times when it’s gone cold because I’ve needed to prioritise something else it all just depends!

Not being able to get up and do normal, basic things like this was a source of massive frustration for me at first. If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself to be more zen and just embrace the down time and have a good stare at my beautiful baby rather than worrying about life admin. It's such a relatively short time and you'll get into a rhythm and routine after a few months.

A lot saying baby would only sleep on them but honestly, back when I had my kids I put them in the moses basket or kept them asleep in their car seat, pram etc so I could get a cuppa. Now mealtimes they always seemed to have a knack of waking up and screaming during.
It is lovely having baby sleep on you but it can become a habit that's hard to break.
One tip that was invaluable was getting them to sleep through noise, not having the house silent when trying to get them off to sleep.
Good luck with your new baby, you will find your own ways to do things but be open to suggestions and you should get sone tine to yourself.

V. unpopular and a bit Gina Fordish, but I put my baby down in his moses basket or even those funny fishtanks in the hospital when he was asleep form day 1. I think I had read about them not getting used to being held all the time. It worked by 3 months he was regularly sleeping from 8:30- 9:15am (time for shower and dress) then 11:45- 2 (lunch and sleep). He had a catnap in the pram around 4ish.

Like everyone else, DD would only nap on one of us, so when DH was at work it was me. She’d cry if I put her down. That doesn’t mean I didn’t put her down but some days you can handle crying and then soothing them to get a drink and some days you just can’t do it’s just easier not to get a drink. DD did sleep in the pram though as long as it was moving, so whilst not sitting down I was often able to get lunch and a drink when out. As you work out their feeding times, I would plan around that and eat just before she woke to eat. Sometimes it didn’t go to plan so I would eat something cold and I’d often eat a bit earlier or later than I would have done otherwise but you don’t really have a sense of time with a newborn anyway.

Mine are now 6 and 8 and I definitely drank a lot of tea! They breastfed so I'd sit while they did that. They did sleep in the day but I was so bloody tired from being up all night that I didn't really want to 'do things' and then when that became more bearable I'd use naps to tidy, wash, prep for leaving the house so not much 'down time' Actually leaving the house can take a lot of prep which sounds weird but one of those things you'll realise when it comes.

I seem to have had the opposite experience to most here and my DD was happy to be put down to sleep from day 1 so I had plenty of time to potter and have as many hot drinks as I liked while she slept. They are all different though so very much depends on your baby!

Mine wouldn’t sleep anywhere apart from on one of us and when awake you couldn’t put him down anywhere for more than a couple of seconds without an almighty screaming fit starting. I thought I’d use a sling and that this would fix it but that didn’t work either as he only liked being physically held. Some babies are high need babies for some reason. It was exhausting and soul destroying and he is an only child because I couldn’t put myself through it again. However, some of my friends had easy babies who slept well in a cot or Moses basket, we’re happy to be left on a play mat and only cried when they were hungry or needed changing. There’s no way of telling what your baby will be like until you’ve given birth.

It's more that you can't have a cup of tea (or do anything) on your terms. Your life is entirely consumed by this completely dependent being. So you might think 'I really need a cup of tea after being woken up every half hour between 2am and 5am this morning', but then the baby has a screaming fit and you try to soothe him because a screaming baby physically hurts you. You realise he's hungry so make a bottle (one-handed, while being screamed at) or settle yourself on the sofa to breastfeed. Baby falls asleep but you can't move because if you do he'll wake up and cry again. After a short nap he wakes up and does a poo, which leaks and needs an outfit change. Once he's comfy and happy you go downstairs to finally make a cuppa, and realise it's three hours since you initially had that thought. That's why it feels like you don't have time - it's never on your terms.

It does get better, and some babies are much more chill than others. You might get lucky! Often babies are very sleepy when they're born, then are really difficult until around 12 weeks, then things start to improve - naps lengthen, they cry less, they're generally more content and start to engage with the world a bit more.

Best of luck OP.

V. unpopular and a bit Gina Fordish, but I put my baby down in his moses basket or even those funny fishtanks in the hospital when he was asleep form day 1

Ah the joys of Gina Ford. Many a time I saw husbands asleep holding it on the 7am Met Line train.

Can't say I followed it slavishly (particularly the waking your baby at 7am) but it was quite useful when you get home, the day stretches out endlessly and you think what do I actually do with it (the baby).

I love having a newborn 😍 it can be a lovely time. You'll find with kids that people love telling you that life will never be the same in a negative way. I think the thing is that you can't have a cup of tea right when you want one. Yes newborns sleep a lot but it's often on you, and you'll have a full bladder/need a wee/want a shower but you might struggle to put them down. And whatever type of birth you have you'll be a bit sore moving around. But yes of course you will have times in the day when you can make a tea. And as they get bigger, you can do more and more. First couple of weeks though you should anticipate being in bed snuggling your baby and establishing feeding a fair amount. Get a really big water bottle and a basket of little snacks for next to your bed. Other people can bring you tea, or hold the baby while you make one. I remember people told me I wouldn't get any sleep, whereas both times I've got better sleep with a newborn than in late pregnancy. I remember also being told with my first that I would find it hard to go to the shops... I went when my baby was a week old and she slept the whole time while I walked around! Congratulations OP and enjoy your baby when they get here, it can be a lovely time.