Is there really no time for a cuppa with a newborn?

[feijoo]

I am due in 5 weeks with my first born and one particular question keeps going around my head.

If newborns sleep up to 17 hours a day, why am I reading everywhere that there is no time for parents to make/drink a cuppa, go to the toilet, shower etc? I can't understand it. If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap, why can't you make a cuppa?

I am very confused and starting to second guess myself - am I being naive? I fully understand that having a newborn is a relentless cycle of feeding, nappy change and sleep but I am quite keen to have my baby and get on with my life e.g. do things while they are sleeping.

Any clarification greatly appreciated. xx

I was worried about this before my son was born. I thought is it really THAT bad? It’s very repetitive in terms of changing a nappy, feeding, clean clothes on etc and because they’re small they don’t really give you anything back at first. He slept for long periods of time though so I would just time it that I’d have a cup of tea when he was asleep rather than awake. The best thing I did was make sure all his naps were taken in the moses basket or pram, never on me, so from day 1 whenever he’d go to fall asleep I’d just lie him in. He was used to it so there was really no crying/screaming about being put down. I didn’t walk about the house with him in a sling or carry him round all the time, I made sure he was used to not being held at times. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t able to hold and cuddle him loads, I just didn’t want it to get to the stage (that my friend is still at at 8 months) where every nap is taken on her so she doesn’t get any free time to do anything

Yeah the difference is if you have a Velcro baby or one that will sleep in a cot/pram. I had one of each and still had cups of tea. The trick with velcro babies is the get a comfy sling. Better is if you can get them to sleep in a cot though

No. HTH.

The not getting a cup of tea is more when they are mobile (6 - 18months was the worst for that from our POV).

The showering is because they cry when you leave the room/the minute you put shampoo on your hair. Even if they have been asleep for two hours beforehand. Fine if you shower when someone else is in the house to deal with it.

The sleep issue isn’t the total amount of sleep you are getting, it is the fact it is broken sleep (one hour awake, one asleep for 24hrs is NOT the same as you getting 12 hrs sleep!) If you are good at going back to sleep you will be fine (I was), if you aren’t (DH) you will find it torture.

As a newborn, DS woke at around 11pm, 3am and 6am, for about 90mins each time (feeding, nappy change). I did 11pm and 3am, DH did 6am so I did get a 5hr stretch of unbroken sleep between around 4am-9am. And I was fine on that.

DH is s very light sleeper and woke up when I got up with DS at 3am and then often couldn’t get back to sleep again, so he was pretty broken.

I managed to drink lots of tea/coffee - newborns are pretty easy to hold in one arm so even if they won't be put down, you can carry them to the kettle and make a brew (just be very careful with how close the cup is to the edge lest you end up in A&E like I did in a panic thinking I'd splashed DS1!)

But if I'm honest, in the very first few weeks it was a bit of a blur of baby crying, feed, change, about ten minutes of happily awake time before they want a feed again, back to sleep, I'm exhausted so I'll go back to sleep too (or grab a shower or eat something or stick a wash on or text the latest photos to grandparents and then sleep) Repeat this every 2-4 hours so your sleep is very fragmented.

It wasn't so much that I was too busy for a cup of tea but sitting around awake for 30-60 minutes when I could have been sleeping seemed like a waste of time.

OP I would suggest you invest in a wrap sling and attempt to.learn.how to use it solo. (There are 'libraries' you van go to borrow and learn how to do it). This will help you get to the cuppa stage even with a newborn who sleeps on you.

Life is about to get turned upside down... its amazing but a nightmare all rolled together to which you currently have no idea- but you'll.be fine!

Exactly. Take charge of the situation. Exactly what I did. It has become a badge of honour that you have no life of your own when you have a newborn. All this talk about being in pyjamas all day and not being able to take a shower I find ridiculous. You are the adult, it's your job to get your baby to fit in with you.

I completely agree with the poster who said "Everything is a task". My biggest shock when babies were born was that discretionary tasks could include "Getting a tissue to blow your own nose" and "wiping sick off your own jumper". And that I could go 10 hours without doing each of those things.

Oh - "Shaking pins and needles out of your own numb leg". That's a task that sometimes you don't have capacity to do. Who knew?

It honestly seems inconceivable to me now that this could have happened, with the boys now so much older. But it did.

It's not about being wet. It's not about being passive. I'm a really, really effective person at work and home. But it happened to me!

It's about genuinely prioritising the urgent needs of keeping someone alive and at what appears to be at a base level of comfort.

The poster saying we are all martyrs is a dick. Newborns in distress, or covered with poo, or sick, look and feel like people with urgent needs. Colicy babies can be actively in pain. As a new mother you do a constant subtle dance - how much you tend to those needs and when to actively block off your empathy and not tend to those needs.

Anyone who says this is simple is either lying, or did a poor job themselves (in either direction - putting themselves first too much, or not enough).

Don’t know if she is popular anymore but don’t read Gina Ford, no matter what you do, she makes parents feel guilty for not raising robots.

Anyway with that out my system, babies can and do sleep a lot but they don’t sleep when you want the loo, or a shower, or to hoover or to make your lunch. They sleep when they want, and whilst some parents like establishing a routine early, it never worked for me. My babies often had many crumbs dropped on them whilst they were feeding or sleeping, as it was the only way I could eat.
I would make a thermos of tea otherwise it got cold and I asked for help when I needed it. It’s very overwhelming but wonderful. Good luck, wish I could do it all over again to be honest

Gosh, mine were in slings all the time as newborns and in their cots for naps by 8mo. Why do you imagine it is only one way or the other?

Erm your little one needs cuddles and held pretty much all the time from being born for2-4 weeks for my 3 all part of binding and reassurance etc. Good luck if they do sleep that long we have 3 under 2s and none slept that long when tiny 🤣

My DS slept in 3 hour chunks in his moses basket at night but in the day, unless someone was holding him, he'd sleep 20 mins max and that would be after the 10th time of trying to put him down. You could then make a cuppa but if your DP only got given 2 weeks off, like me, there's about 20 other things to do. I always made sure I showered everyday, 9/10 he would wake up and scream mid way. I thought people were exaggerating before I had any DC

My first child would feed and then happily be put down to sleep. He’d sleep for a couple of hours so I had loads of time. I did like to just hold him sometimes though. Showers and eating and drinking are important. Housework can wait.

My second was completely different. I’d put her down, she’d be awake 5 minutes later. Even if I held her, she didn’t sleep for long at all. She didn’t cry much, she’d just be awake, looking around. She had a spell of sleeping through the night for a few months from about 4 months and then never slept through for years. 😩 She is autistic and I do think that was part of the sleep issue for us. I still found time to shower and eat and drink, but there didn’t seem to be a decent chunk of time to do anything.

Life changing when my sister suggested a thermos cup

As PP said, it depends on the baby but it also depends on how you react as a parent.

DC1 had ongoing medical investigations in the first year and I had major anxiety as a result. I was so worried that he was going to stop breathing that I didn't dare to not pay attention. So even though I put him down swaddled in the moses basket I'd be constantly watching him. I probably had PND looking back but at the time I thought it was totally logical.

Same

Dd slept in Moses basket from day 1

I showered every day and ate meals etc

If a baby has reflux cmpa colic etx then a diff ballgame and Ive had many of those as in a maternity nurse

but if baby has no issues then start as you mean to go on

Cuddle when awake

Put down when asleep

Make noise Round baby

Friends hated me that dd slept and fed well

She's always been a good sleeper and df to 730 at 14w and 7/7 by think 17w

Even now at 6yrs she sleeps 630pm to 715/30

Sometimes have to wake 745 for school

Runs and hides

You absolutely do have time, especially with your first. Even if I had to put a crying baby on the sofa next to me or on her bouncer in front of me. I knew I wasn't going to be up to the task without a nice cup of tea to get me started in the morning. I'd just calmly talk or shh her while I had it. I mean it was stressful, but it only happened a couple of times. My second cried a lot more because of colic, but by then I knew what I was doing, juggling everything was second nature.

When your baby cries it does something to your brain I swear. It feels awful and takes time to learn to handle it. It's easy to forget you can just pop your baby down even if they're grumbling or not feeling it. Sometimes they're overloaded with sensory stimuli and what they need it putting down for a bit anyway. This is excluding things like reflux of course!

It's all a big unknown right now for you! But even if you do have periods where you can't get a shower in or even a meal without a baby on your lap. It will be a phase, it'll feel never ending untill suddenly one day you realize you haven't done that thing that was so stressful for ages.

I found myself mostly glued to an armchair breastfeeding non stop, so there was plenty of time (albeit not hot tea) to have a drink, cuddle and I had a movie on in the background usually. I loved that period so much! With a toddler now however… there is definitely not time for a cup of tea!

Depends what brand of baby you get, mine were good sleepers so I never had that issue, ....that's just pot luck tho.

It is a cliche but the newborn period goes so fast. You won’t get those sleepy little newborn snuggles back again so try to relax into it and make the most of it rather than worrying about things that need to be done. I wish I had appreciated them more the first time around. My DS was one who just wouldn’t be put down and yet that soon became a very distant memory.

A couple of weeks into DS2 and he is so far happy to be put down but ironically this time around it’s me keeping him on me as I want the cuddles!

If you have a partner you can definitely still have hot drinks even if your baby won’t be put down, just take it in turns to hold them.

I found it much harder to get a hot drink and shower once baby was out of the newborn phase and needed entertaining, especially as my first was a cat napper with 30 min naps max.

I loved the newborn phase though, please don’t let horror stories put you off.

Exactly. OP, Google the fourth trimester.

My first DD was the same but Ds- different matter and I did everything the same ! If anything he got more ignored 🤣 He was fine for the first 8 weeks or so and then he suddenly was too nosey to sleep alone without being forced back to sleep in my arms.

Same here, both my girls were good sleepers (like their mum!). We seem to have a gene that says if you are horizontal, shut your eyes and you will sleep... some people are just made that way... until menopause anyway😒

I did get time for a cuppa but it usually ended up partly drunk and cold. Thermos mug is a good idea!

This was mainly because as soon as dc fell asleep, I'd quickly do some chores and then make myself tea. Dc was usually waking up by then.

If you prioritise tea/coffee then you may have a better chance.

Also op you do have time to have a hot drink but you also might want to just cuddle your baby, and that's fine too. You're not 'making a rod for your own back' if you want to hold your own baby.