Is there really no time for a cuppa with a newborn?

[feijoo]

I am due in 5 weeks with my first born and one particular question keeps going around my head.

If newborns sleep up to 17 hours a day, why am I reading everywhere that there is no time for parents to make/drink a cuppa, go to the toilet, shower etc? I can't understand it. If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap, why can't you make a cuppa?

I am very confused and starting to second guess myself - am I being naive? I fully understand that having a newborn is a relentless cycle of feeding, nappy change and sleep but I am quite keen to have my baby and get on with my life e.g. do things while they are sleeping.

Any clarification greatly appreciated. xx

I also found it helpful to think back to how older relatives managed eg one had six kids under ten, no indoor toilet or household appliances. There is no way she'd have been holding the baby all day. I never took mine to the loo with me and went when I needed to - they don't come to any harm in a bouncy chair or Moses basket for the couple of minutes even if they're howling. If you need to go to the loo, then you need to go! Once she was mobile we had a playpen to put her in when we needed the loo or to cook etc.

One of the best things I did from four weeks old was head out to a toddler group every weekday morning. It got us out of the house, gave us a routine and DD would sleep in the sling or pram whilst I drank tea and chatted with other parents. I'd have gone mad stuck in at home every day!

And a top tip I got from a friend in advance was to think ahead to the next stage and then don't do something at the current stage that's going to make things harder in the future eg it's nice rocking a 7lb baby to sleep but a baby two or three times that size is Not Fun to rock to sleep, so easier to try and avoid doing it as much as possible.

This has paid off so many times!

Some babies will only sleep if you rock them! I prefer to think: the baby will change, and you can change anything when it stops working. Rock the baby if it’s easiest and gets everyone the most sleep and the most cups of tea. Switch to pram/sling/cot when it stops working. The first 1-2 years are an insane whirlwind of “Aha, NOW I’ve got a handle on what they’re up to – wait, what are they doing now?”

When you have a second you know what you're doing, and your life already revolves around having a child and putting it first. A newborn to a new mum, who had no experience of babies, is utterly overwhelming. You can't possibly 'behave as if you have two' if you don't even know what you're doing with one 🙄

Of course you can. Otherwise how do twins survive 🙄

Not everyone finds it utterly overwhelming, or even mildly overwhelming either. Not everyone is clueless. Lots of people find that know what they are doing perfectly ok even in the early days.

Not everyone obviously, but finding newborns difficult certainly isnt a universal experience. For many, it's the easiest stage, even with non sleeping colicky ones.

I found that an easier way to manage things too. And no I didn’t end up having to rock a 6mo just because I had to rock a 6wo, babies are all different.

Yes, it wasn't difficult as such, having a newborn. Incredibly tedious and time seems to stretch out to eternity as each day doesn't have a beginning and end. But the basic stuff is pretty straightforward - feed, cuddle, deal with the mess. It's the relentless nature of all of that where I found the difficulty was?

All the reasons given here. Many (most?) babies far prefer to sleep on mum or dad than in their Moses basket or pram/cot. It doesn’t matter how stealthily you try to transfer them, They. Will. Know. and then wake up. So a lot of parents end up stuck under a sleeping baby which they don’t want to wake but equally means you can’t really do anything around the house. I like my tea very hot but didn’t dare drink it over a newborn in case there was an accident.

And a big yes to PP who said newborns are noisy sleepers. They grunt, cough, cackle, make weird bird like noises and it’s basically impossible to sleep through them for a while.

Newborns often also need feeding and their nappies changed basically hourly. So by the time you’ve fed them (say 15 minutes) and changed (5 minutes) and they’ve slept for 40 minutes, it’s time to start all over again.

Now throw in all the medical appointments, washing, bathing them, mopping up vomit and trying to get yourself clean and dressed and doing anything else is basically impossible.

It is okay to leave a baby to cry for a few minutes if you’re doing something - in the shower, really need food or a drink, etc. But I never like to leave them to cry for ages as they get more distressed, swallow more air and then cry even more.

Baby DS is currently making himself very comfortable on my lap, while I just heard the washing machine end it’s cycle. Already figuring out a plan of action to put him in his bed so I can hang it out but he will probably wake up.

It depends on the baby.

My little boy will not entertain a crib or Moses basket at all - all naps are contact naps. So you’re literally nap trapped for however long baby sleeps. He also wouldn’t be left alone even for a few minutes so we had to find a way to wash and sterilise bottles, do washing, eat etc haha

Baby was in a sling or bouncer and carried around the house whilst i showered or done dishes.
If you have family offering to help, take the help!! Don’t try and do it all solo and be superwoman because youll crash.

Im 5 months in as a FTM and you will DEFINITELY find your own way but don’t do what I done and get bogged down with house being spotless etc, you’ve got to give in to the madness!!

It depends, babies differ but to be honest, some people make problems for themselves. Your baby will be fine for a few minutes whilst you use the toilet, dress, shower, make tea even if they cry, however many people don't like hearing their babies upset. I also could get on with housework with mine in a front carrier - I didn't have the luxury of help, with a then h working 12 hours a day 6 days a week!

It really varies both of mine happily slept in their Moses basket so I found the newborn faze wasn't hard to get a drink etc.

Mine only slept in my arms, so all I did all day was sit around drinking tea and watching Netflix. But I wasn't one who felt I needed to put baby down to make or drink my tea!

Now showering was a different matter. I became queen of the 4 minute shower, as that's how long I had between putting DS down and him crying himself to the point of not breathing. I'd then hold him, dripping wet, until he calmed and normal breathing resumed before getting dressed as quickly as possible! I needed the tea after that!

All the people who 'take charge' and 'aren't wet' should have met my friend's child. She was given all that advice. She tried so hard. Very young mum, living in poverty, eyes on her so she tried.

Turns out her child has a rare genetic condition which cause all sorts of things including pain in certain positions. She was RIGHT that he couldn't nap anywhere but held in very specific ways. And was screaming in the crib, car seat and bouncer because he wasn't OK. Fortunately she just went with it.

Mine 'only' has ADHD so won't sleep a lot and couldn't just be put down and left for hours.

I remember the mean mums of biddable children telling me what I was doing wrong. DD now is well-adjusted, happy and healthy. So I couldn't have been doing that much wrong.

Remember all babies are different.

If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap, why can't you make a cuppa?

That’s why. Most newborns don’t sleep anywhere other than on people 😂

Thank you! I credit my PND, in part, to listening to the NCT WhatsApp group of perfect mothers critiquing my parenting failures along with the “make things hard for yourself” and “rod for your own back” language. As though I’d chosen colic, CMPA and silent reflux as some sort of alternative lifestyle route.

I always think: parent the baby you have, not the one you expected to have or the one someone else on MN thread thinks you ought to have. It’s often inconvenient but it (so far) has worked out.

You can make time. Always put then down to sleep so you can get on with whatever.

As though I’d chosen colic, CMPA and silent reflux as some sort of alternative lifestyle route.

Too true @bussteward

So easy to critique someone else. I always offered to drop DD off with them and see how they did.

My greatest joy was when the awful DH of my lovely friend, who told me what I was doing wrong for two years (even though his DW was actually the default parent) met their third. She screamed from birth to 3yo. Pretty much constantly. He admitted he had no skills and asked for advice. I was gracious but I wanted to tell him where to shove it.

@MrsTerryPratchett Well done for not throttling him!!

How gracious of you to share skills. And you do gain them - my 1st DC needed cluster feeding and to be held or in sling most of the time.

With the 2nd, nights were fine and he was chilled out most of the day but had colic discomfort and crying from late afternoon into the evening till 3 or 4 months, so we learned a whole set of coping methods for that

Depends what kind of baby you get. My first (girl) was a dream could put her down anywhere to sleep from day 1. Second (boy) nightmare. Couldn’t get anything done couldn’t put him down without screaming his head off I literally had to sit and hold him most of the day while he slept I couldn’t even pee. School run was a joke he would go mental on his pram just wanted to be held. But hated the sling 🙃 It was like that for about 12 weeks and even then naps were cat naps of 10-30 mins a time.

Well said @MrsTerryPratchett and @bussteward. Parent the child you have.

I do agree with everyone saying that self-preservation is important but I honestly think some lucky parents have absolutely no clue what some babies are like.

They want to believe it's all their wonderful parenting. Bless them!

There's a whole other thread about parents who never hug their children. I'd rather hold too much than too little. And DD is very independent and happy now so all that holding didn't make her less secure.

She hated slings too. My poor arms.

It completely depends! One of mine would not be put down at all, the other went in his bassinet like a dream. I still got to have cups of tea with my clingy baby though… just when DH or a visitor held him.

Where's OP disappeared to???

They want to believe it's all their wonderful parenting. Bless them!

they keep believing that for many years to come

I was just lucky mine both slept, nothing I did

I had the highest need baby ever. You can’t really articulate what it’s like until you have one. I didn’t have free hands until 4 months as baby would only nap on me, and I couldn’t put her down for 40 seconds without her screaming blue murder.

However, you absolutely can have a cuppa if that’s important to you. You just have to prioritise. For example I was the mum with no make up on, wore the same outfit 5 days straight and showered every other day. But I always had a cup of coffee when I got up. Every day. It kept me sane. Other mum’s probably couldn’t bear the idea of showering every other day and leaving with no make up. It depends what it important to you! :)

You also could have a baby that is happy to be in their Moses basket for a few moments! It’s all luck.