Page 25 | Is there really no time for a cuppa with a newborn?

feijoo · 2023-05-11T04:33:30+00:00

I am due in 5 weeks with my first born and one particular question keeps going around my head. If newborns sleep up to 17 hours a day, why am I reading everywhere that there is no time for parents to make/drink a cuppa, go to the toilet, shower etc? I can't understand it. If baby falls asleep after a feed, you put them in crib/bassinet for their nap, why can't you make a cuppa? I am very confused and starting to second guess myself - am I being naive? I fully understand that having a newborn is a relentless cycle of feeding, nappy change and sleep but I am quite keen to have my baby and get on with my life e.g. do things while they are sleeping. Any clarification greatly appreciated. xx

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RidingMyBike · 15/05/2023 17:59

It does still happen - statutory maternity pay isn't much at all after six weeks and lots of jobs don't pay an enhanced package so I've known someone have to go back to work then to be able to cover the mortgage.
The baby just goes into the baby room at nursery and forms an attachment with their keyworkers, like they do with their other parent, and extended family.

Bathintheshed · 15/05/2023 18:17

Katypp · 15/05/2023 16:59

@Seasonofthewitch83 so can I ask what you would do with your 'velcro baby' (another one of those cutsie MN terms) if you had to go back to work when she was six weeks old?
I'm not arguing for a return to that, by the way, just merely pondering how parents of velcro babies who refused to sleep in their cots coped.

That's like asking how your baby would have coped without formula if it didn't exist when you went back to work. The majority of women in the country have access to maternity leave. Humans are biologically designed to want to comfort babies, that is why they are so cute and scream so loud. I am a similar age to your DC and there are alot of MH issues in my generation.

Katypp · 15/05/2023 18:18

Seasonofthewitch83 · 15/05/2023 17:17

Well, I cant answer because that situation does not apply to me? It's extremely unusual for women to return to work at 6 weeks.

So I am not sure I understand the question?

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I was referring to a previous post when I said that IMO the apparent increase in babies who refuse to be put down might be a consequence of imprived maternity leave.
when my oldest was born in 1993, you generally (if I remember correctly) got six weeks pre birth at 90% of pay then another six weeks at smp rates. Then nothing, I don't think and you could only take three months additional unpaid leave, so you were back at work before your baby was 5 months old at the latest.
Hence the drive to get into a routine of proper sleep which we generally see at about 11 months now happened much earlier, and proved it was usually possible.

BertieBotts · 15/05/2023 18:19

I guess you'd either choose a childcarer who was willing to carry them around - if lots of parents were going back at that time (as they do in America perhaps) then you'd find options like this, because it's quite normal for 6 week old babies to want to be held a lot. Or you'd just have to put them in childcare and accept that they would be crying. Baby rooms in nurseries often have slings, ours does even though I live in Germany and hardly anybody goes back before a year.

By the way, the advice to put the baby down if you're overwhelmed isn't new advice at all. I remember being told this in about 2002 as part of the "reality of teen pregnancy" class thing that we did at secondary school, and that was from a health visitor, who said it was advice that she had received from a HCP when she had had her own children around 15 years before. It was a sort of horror story about how some babies really never settle and then a by the way, just in case you do find yourself in that situation, it's ok to leave the baby in their cot and go and have a cup of tea at the other end of the garden while you calm yourself down.

Then I'm sure I got it again when I actually had DS1 in 2008.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/05/2023 18:20

@RidingMyBike

The baby just goes into the baby room at nursery and forms an attachment with their keyworkers, like they do with their other parent, and extended family.

Yep! My baby wasn't 6 weeks, he was 12 weeks but that's exactly what happened. He's 5 months now and has a lovely bond with his keyworker.

AnniSpanni · 15/05/2023 18:59

Katypp · 15/05/2023 16:59

@Seasonofthewitch83 so can I ask what you would do with your 'velcro baby' (another one of those cutsie MN terms) if you had to go back to work when she was six weeks old?
I'm not arguing for a return to that, by the way, just merely pondering how parents of velcro babies who refused to sleep in their cots coped.

I also had a Velcro baby (explained what he was like earlier in the thread). I am one of those who had to go back to work and he went to nursery. It was awful.
We tried everything. Really we did. Read everything we could on the subject. There isn’t a piece of advice on this I haven’t heard and we didn’t try (and not half-heartedly, mind - we have everything a really good go).
He was just a very poor sleeper who needed to be held. I did obviously put him down a lot, you have to to get by, but this never “fixed” him.
To those who suggest just putting them down for your own sanity, an hour and a half of him frothing at the mouth in his cot isn’t much “me time”, unless of course you have commercial grade sound proofing. When he was home we held him so he would sleep and our ears could recover.
At 10 months old something in him switched and he was ready to sleep alone and to self sooth.
I firmly believe, whilst there are many things you can do which might help some babies, others are just beyond help and there’s nothing to do but wait it out. Where things have worked for others, maybe they have worked for their particular baby’s personality, maybe it’s a coincidence. Who knows. What does seem clear to me is there is a fair amount of confirmation bias in this thread.

AnniSpanni · 15/05/2023 19:31

AnniSpanni · 15/05/2023 18:59

I also had a Velcro baby (explained what he was like earlier in the thread). I am one of those who had to go back to work and he went to nursery. It was awful.
We tried everything. Really we did. Read everything we could on the subject. There isn’t a piece of advice on this I haven’t heard and we didn’t try (and not half-heartedly, mind - we have everything a really good go).
He was just a very poor sleeper who needed to be held. I did obviously put him down a lot, you have to to get by, but this never “fixed” him.
To those who suggest just putting them down for your own sanity, an hour and a half of him frothing at the mouth in his cot isn’t much “me time”, unless of course you have commercial grade sound proofing. When he was home we held him so he would sleep and our ears could recover.
At 10 months old something in him switched and he was ready to sleep alone and to self sooth.
I firmly believe, whilst there are many things you can do which might help some babies, others are just beyond help and there’s nothing to do but wait it out. Where things have worked for others, maybe they have worked for their particular baby’s personality, maybe it’s a coincidence. Who knows. What does seem clear to me is there is a fair amount of confirmation bias in this thread.

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We *gave everything a good go.

To be clear, I didn’t go back at six weeks, but I did go back early whilst he was still like Velcro.

T1Dmama · 15/05/2023 22:57

Minierme · 15/05/2023 11:35

I just want to reiterate here for the benefit of all those mums reading who are like “Wtf I didn’t subscribe to any ‘make life he’d for myself’ philosophy, I’m just trying to survive with my screaming newborn any which way I can”….. not all babies are equally easy to parent. Some are just HARD. It is not your fault. Co-sleeping because they will not sleep in the frigging cot is not the cause, it’s a makeshift solution.

I had two babies. One was super super hard, one was super, super easy. It was not parenting - attachment or otherwise. It’s just their inbuilt little personalities.

Go in peace all.

PS just in case you need to hear it again - your baby not being content is NOT YOUR FAULT.

100%
i tried everything and only co sleeping worked

Seasonofthewitch83 · 16/05/2023 13:33

Katypp · 15/05/2023 18:18

I was referring to a previous post when I said that IMO the apparent increase in babies who refuse to be put down might be a consequence of imprived maternity leave.
when my oldest was born in 1993, you generally (if I remember correctly) got six weeks pre birth at 90% of pay then another six weeks at smp rates. Then nothing, I don't think and you could only take three months additional unpaid leave, so you were back at work before your baby was 5 months old at the latest.
Hence the drive to get into a routine of proper sleep which we generally see at about 11 months now happened much earlier, and proved it was usually possible.

Show quote history

You can look at the US as a good example - next to no maternity leave is probably responsible for much higher take up of more extreme sleep training methods. Whether its a good thing is debatable, as well as any longer term impact on the child.

MisschiefMaker · 16/05/2023 15:11

I found the first couple of months manageable. I remember telling people that I was fortunate to have an "easy" baby while rather smugly secretly thinking that I was probably just a more resilient parent than other people (because actually even an easy baby is quite tiring!). Sure, she napped in my arms but she also enjoyed tummy time and only really cried when hungry or needing to burp. It wasn't bad.

Then it all changed. She became a Velcro baby.

She had to be held 24/7, even when awake. She had to be rocked for ages to go to sleep and would only sleep in short bursts. If she noticed me try to out her down she'd scream her head off. She was exhausted. I was exhausted. My back was in tremendous pain from the physical side of it. The overnight nappy changes (which you have to do if they poo) didn't stop until 5.5 months old either which is later than most, and that's on top of the overnight feeds.

I was doing it all alone as DH was back at work and dealing with his own health issues and we have no family in the UK. I quickly lost the baby weight and became underweight because I stopped making myself food as it was too difficult to do it one handed and she would scream if I put her down. My MH spiralled and I wouldn't put her in the sling in case she suffocated, as she was technically below the weight limit for the sling as she was born on the 1st percentile. She had also been in ICU at the start and I think the velcro period triggered lots of anxiety from that.

With hindsight, it all went wrong when she started to develop eczema and multiple allergies, probably due to her time in ICU where she was given antibiotics, although I didn't know that was what was happening at the time. The poor little thing must have been so uncomfortable and in pain for ages. It affected her sleep and meant she needed to be held and comforted all the time. Although I suffered for it, I'm glad I didn't leave her to cry.

Other Velcro babies might be that way due to tummy aches or silent reflux. It's unlikely to be due to parenting at that age as they are still operating 100% on instinct and physical needs.

Tinybrother · 17/05/2023 10:54

BertieBotts · 14/05/2023 16:38

Social Media definitely makes things more polarised and seems to make people feel like you have to do something exactly perfectly following best practice advice 100% of the time and this is not sustainable, and neither has it EVER been what "official advice" intended!

I had babies in 2008, 2018, 2021. The advice hasn't (much) changed. The way people interpret it has gone insane, and there's a really nasty culture on social media of policing that other people are following advice correctly, and "I'm following more advice than you", along with weirdly black and white ideas like thinking somehow that not following a guideline one time is very likely to cause irreversible damage, so the policing is not even coming from a nasty place I don't think, it's a place of anxiety and concern, but it's completely overblown and can be perceived as "You're not a good mum".

So I think spending too much time online really doesn't help this. It can be incredibly toxic. Whereas when you spend time with other parents IRL you can see that people don't do things perfectly 100% of the time and nothing bad happens. It helps you unclench.

I think this is a very good point, and lockdowns really didn’t help with this.

moregarlic · 26/07/2023 12:10

Interested to hear how you're getting on @feijoo ? How have you found it?

Original poster

feijoo · 26/07/2023 13:25

@moregarlic - Thanks for reminding me to update this thread!

So, baby is now 5 weeks old. Not gonna lie, the first week was a brutal reality check and lifestyle shift, made more challenging by being relatively immobile after c-section.

In my (limited) experience so far, there IS enough time for a cuppa!!! Luckily (again, so far...) baby girl is one of these 'easy' babies I guess. She only cries for food, but feeds like clockwork so we can anticipate the crying before it starts. She's happy to chill by herself in the crib and loves black and white pictures, listening to music and our voices. She also loves cuddles and gets plenty!!! She will self soothe and get herself to sleep when put down in the crib awake. I'm able to pop her in a bouncer while I'm cooking in the kitchen or doing other bits and bobs. She sleeps up to 6 hour chunks too at night which is amazing, but I still need to get up to pump or my boobs would explode. Saying all this, I am aware this all may change at any moment but we are enjoying this part more than we anticipated.

It is not all rainbows and unicorn babies though. I've had some excruciating nerve issues from the c section which put me in A&E a few weeks ago. We've also been battling through breastfeeding. My god it's hard, especially since babygirl had a tongue tie (only discovered in week 2 after she quite literally destroyed my nipples). Feeding has been unbelievably painful and depressing. Things are looking up though after a visit to a baby osteopath and now baby is learning to use her tongue properly. I have developed such an aversion to pumping (which I've had to do a lot), it makes me want to hurl the bloody things at the wall but I'm bearing with it for the moment as breastfeeding slowly gets easier. To give me some respite baby takes two formula bottles a day and I've managed to adjust my own milk supply by dropping a few pumping sessions.

I understand there is no easy newborn stage, no easy intro to motherhood, no easy baby even... there are challenges all over the place. Even if your baby sleeps well and is happy for now, there may be other issues with breastfeeding like there has been for me. We're all in it together and doing the very best we can do for our own babies!!!

I really do appreciate everyone's contribution to this post. It has been such an eye opener to me.

OP posts:

Nothingisblackandwhite · 26/07/2023 13:52

feijoo · 26/07/2023 13:25

@moregarlic - Thanks for reminding me to update this thread!

So, baby is now 5 weeks old. Not gonna lie, the first week was a brutal reality check and lifestyle shift, made more challenging by being relatively immobile after c-section.

In my (limited) experience so far, there IS enough time for a cuppa!!! Luckily (again, so far...) baby girl is one of these 'easy' babies I guess. She only cries for food, but feeds like clockwork so we can anticipate the crying before it starts. She's happy to chill by herself in the crib and loves black and white pictures, listening to music and our voices. She also loves cuddles and gets plenty!!! She will self soothe and get herself to sleep when put down in the crib awake. I'm able to pop her in a bouncer while I'm cooking in the kitchen or doing other bits and bobs. She sleeps up to 6 hour chunks too at night which is amazing, but I still need to get up to pump or my boobs would explode. Saying all this, I am aware this all may change at any moment but we are enjoying this part more than we anticipated.

It is not all rainbows and unicorn babies though. I've had some excruciating nerve issues from the c section which put me in A&E a few weeks ago. We've also been battling through breastfeeding. My god it's hard, especially since babygirl had a tongue tie (only discovered in week 2 after she quite literally destroyed my nipples). Feeding has been unbelievably painful and depressing. Things are looking up though after a visit to a baby osteopath and now baby is learning to use her tongue properly. I have developed such an aversion to pumping (which I've had to do a lot), it makes me want to hurl the bloody things at the wall but I'm bearing with it for the moment as breastfeeding slowly gets easier. To give me some respite baby takes two formula bottles a day and I've managed to adjust my own milk supply by dropping a few pumping sessions.

I understand there is no easy newborn stage, no easy intro to motherhood, no easy baby even... there are challenges all over the place. Even if your baby sleeps well and is happy for now, there may be other issues with breastfeeding like there has been for me. We're all in it together and doing the very best we can do for our own babies!!!

I really do appreciate everyone's contribution to this post. It has been such an eye opener to me.

Congratulations on your baby girl and welcome to the crazy world if motherhood . Get her tongue snipped hun it will make it easier . 2 of mine were the same . It gets easier and it gets harder , and again and again . Try and make time to enjoy it too. And I’m glad you have time for a cup of tea or coffee . I think most of us always do 😜

Original poster

feijoo · 26/07/2023 13:55

Aww thanks so much 😃 I should have said, baby girl got the snip at the hospital but it didn't seem to change anything... I know it can take some time, so I'm persevering!!! X

OP posts:

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 26/07/2023 14:55

@feijoo

You sound like a wonderful mum already. I'm glad you have had time for a cuppa 💖

Peanutbutteryday · 26/07/2023 15:44

Well done op and I enjoyed reading your update.

I am leaving a quick message to let you know that I’m literally just about to enjoy my fourth cup of hot tea today 👍🏽 Dc 8 months

Goldbar31 · 28/07/2023 16:33

Congratulations!!
You sound like you are doing an amazing job!