No visitors at birth - how to break the news

[LettucesAndRoses]

Hello,

So we've decided we don't want anyone coming at the time of the birth. We live far away from our parents and don't want a circus in town two weeks prior and after just to make sure they don't miss the birth. It's a second baby and we also prefer DC1 stays with her dad when I'm in hospital, she will be a lot more settled this way and it will give us peace of mind.
We will also wait 6-8 weeks at least to introduce DC2, when germs are not as big a risk and we're all more settled.

Our parents assumed without asking that they would come. Any advice on how to break the news firmly but kindly?

We will also wait 6-8 weeks at least to introduce DC2, when germs are not as big a risk and we're all more settled

How on earth are you going to manage this? Does the older child have a different father or live somewhere else?

I get what you are saying but 6-8 weeks is a loooong time to meet the newest member of the family.

I think the your first paragraph is how you explain to them.

But I'd re-think waiting a couple of months.

6-8 weeks people will lose interest in wanting to visit , I would be devastated if my children did this to me when they have children

Oh misread I thought you meant you won't introduce the baby to your other child but I take it you mean grandparents and other relatives?

Seems a bit ott to me.

You can do as you please, its your child. Just remember it when your own children have children and they may stop you from visiting for 6-8 weeks. Don't go moaning to anyone. It takes a village and all that to raise a child but you seem determined not to introduce your child to any of that village for weeks!

All you can do is tell them but I can’t see anyone taking it well. 2 months is a very long time. Beyond germs what’s the concern about family seeing the baby?

Depending how far long you are now, could you start extending the expected birth date a bit further away 'SO latest scan is now showing end of April, not the beginning' and then next month 'well now its says early May'. You could also add 2 weeks post due date also? No idea if they'd believe it, but it might give you a reprieve.

Could you meet somewhere neutral instead of at your home?

I think 6-8 weeks is a bit long to suggest without hurting their feelings/upsetting them and it is verging on unkind.

A polite but firm phonecall is probably best. "Mum I am really excited for you to meet dc2 but will likely be a few weeks after birth before we are ready for a visit. Will let you know asap, promise grandparents will be top priority once we are ready for visits"

its up to you and I can see why you don’t want anyone around beforehand but 2 months afterwards is a bit much

Agree that your first paragraph does it. But yes, 6-8 wks is a tough thing to ask.

I was shocked by how strongly I felt when my DD gave birth. I was so anxious, and so desperate to see her and know she was okay (as well as to see the baby, of course, but my own maternal instincts kicked in to a degree that totally took me by surprise). I'd have found a six-eight week wait agonising.

Nobody at hospital I can understand.

No visitors for 6-8 weeks is a bit weird.

Will you not leave the house in that time? Germs are everywhere. Do you have some sort of health anxiety?

It's what we did for DC1, we waited to introduce her. We avoided her getting sick like so many other newborns and protecting her is our only responsibility, not keeping grandparents happy. There's still a pandemic going on!

We don't get any help looking after DC1 and don't expect any.

"hi, just wanted to let you know that we'd love you to come & see new baby and us once we've settled back at home after s/he's born.
But not before we are ready.
I want to be crystal clear about this - we both want to concentrate on our children, bonding with baby & recovering from birth before we have any visitors.
I hope you understand & respect our wishes.
thank you"

With your second child, the risk of viruses etc is going to come from the older sibling, not from grandparents. Unless you are planning to prevent your toddler mixing with other children for 2 months which will be hugely detrimental for her (ask anyone who had a toddler in covid).

How old is child 1, because they are likely to be bringing illness in anyway, unless you're also going to keep them at home and away from childcare/toddler groups for 6 weeks?? I'd be going barmy stuck in with a toddler and a newborn for that long!

Also I just wanted to show off my beautiful babies 🥰

It is rude for family to invite themselves,. especially if that means staying at your house. I would tell them I will let them know when I'm feeling up for guests. Tbf, with my youngest I was fine for guests very early on. You might be the same second time round!

6-8 weeks is a very long time. I'd be very surprised if anyone wanted to rush and see you when you eventually let them across the threshold after almost 2 months of being told they werent
weren't welcome.

Your child has a sibling who likely goes to school or nursery are you going to prevent them being near the baby too as chances are that's the most likely way of baby getting any bugs?

If you did the same for your first DC then surely everyone will be expecting it this time too?

I agree with PP that your other child is the greatest germ vector in this situation.

6-8 weeks? Do you plan on barricading yourself, DH, DC1 and baby in the house to prevent germs getting In? Does no-one need to go to work/nursery/shops?

Come back in 30 years and let us know how you feel when your GC are born and your DCs tell you you're not welcome to visit for 2 months.

Oh wow, I live in fear that ds doesn't do anything like this when he has kids, I'd be beyond upset,not to see a newborn grandchild is so sad.

Be honest is this your idea and your dh is going along with it?

We live far away from our parents and don't want a circus in town two weeks prior and after just to make sure they don't miss the birth

Our parents assumed without asking that they would come.

Have I understood correctly that your parents assumed they'd be coming for a couple of weeks prior to the birth, to make sure they didn't miss it?? Were they planning on staying with you? I wouldn't have that!!

6-8 weeks is quite a long time though. But if that's what you did with your first child, can't you just explain it how you did then?

It's not "keeping grandparents happy" is understanding and emphathising with the feelings they have for you. They love you. Giving birth has its risks, apart from anything else. Their excitement about the baby apart, they'll be feeling some strong emotions.

To be fair, I didn't 'get' that when I was having my first (though I was very happy for them to visit within days) until my MIL hugged me so tight when she arrived, and said "I'm so happy to see you!. I was SO worried!"

The only thing I would say, is that it can be easier to limit a visit in the very early days. So, I’d let them visit at a week or so, but only for the afternoon.

Up to you though.

You’re just going to have to tell them what you’ve decided though.

Is the baby going to be vulnerable immunologically? I don’t think there’s a need to ‘avoid germs’? It would be more important to me to fit visits and family bonding/life in than impose a restriction that make those thing harder.

It seems over cautious waiting 6-8 weeks. That’s missing all the newborn stage.

Just tell them to stay away if they’re sick.

Yeah this

so weird

Second and subsequent children grow up in a soup of bacteria and viruses courtesy of their ever-loving siblings. It's actually pretty good for them.

Anyway, if you did if for dc1 then I doubt anyone will be that fussed.