No visitors at birth - how to break the news

[LettucesAndRoses]

Hello,

So we've decided we don't want anyone coming at the time of the birth. We live far away from our parents and don't want a circus in town two weeks prior and after just to make sure they don't miss the birth. It's a second baby and we also prefer DC1 stays with her dad when I'm in hospital, she will be a lot more settled this way and it will give us peace of mind.
We will also wait 6-8 weeks at least to introduce DC2, when germs are not as big a risk and we're all more settled.

Our parents assumed without asking that they would come. Any advice on how to break the news firmly but kindly?

The people in my life are wonderful and caring.

My Inlaws just get overly excited about babies. They have the same views as lots on here do that babies must be introduced immediately in order to bond. Its bs and selfish. I was told off on more than one occasion for not sharing. Similar to how people are telling OP off.

I can’t think of any nice way to say this. I think it’s awful.

BUT everyone has a right to do what they want,
so just tell them that’s what you’re doing.

And obviously don’t be pushy or upset/hurt when your DC seem cold and unfriendly when their have their babies and you want to visit your newborn DGCs!

I've recovered from OCD but even I wasn't this restrictive at my worst (even though I wanted to shut everyone away).

A good relationship with grandparents has health benefits for both the grandparents and the children. That bonding starts when they are little. If you keep on as you are they will distance themselves to avoid further disappointment.

Do you have siblings? If do don't be surprised if the birth of thier children brings about more exitement then yours if your siblings allow precious newborn cuddles.

*if so

I wouldn't state "6-8 weeks" just tell them not to come ahead of the birth, period. You'll let them know when the time is right.

Then do not announce when you're in labour.

Why would I want to 'manipulate' the OP into changing her views? And why would you think that an anonymous post on an internet forum would even do that? I'm not invested in her - I don't know her 😂It just seems a bit over the top to me but obviously that's me told - back to my chores!

On the basis that you seem to be planning a hospital birth where there will be other people with their germs and visitors, i think you're being a bit neurotic about the GPs visiting for a cuddle.

This is bizarre. I understand no to hospital visits but 8 weeks after birth? My parents would have been devastated.

If you've already made your decision then I guess just tell them. I don't know how else you can "break the news kindly".

Any way you put it, they might be a little upset but they can't force a visit on you if you don't want to.

I'd be really upset and assume I had done something to offend you ....your lo is the biggest bug spreader are you keeping her locked away while you all stay indoors for 2 months? I presume your never going to ask for or allow any babysitting or childcare etc from them ...what did they do?

My babies were in SCBU for six weeks after being born, and there was strictly no visitors allowed.

My dad was devastated about missing those early weeks. That's time that you can never get back. And little babies change so much every day.

Presumably if your parents were expecting to be there for around the birth, you're not low or no contact. In which case, cutting them out for two months seems excessive and OTT.

And I'm someone who's still wearing a mask in shops, so I'm a pretty cautious person....

Entirely reasonable to want a quiet, low-key birth with no immediate visitors. Very unreasonable to expect your immediate family not to see your baby for two months. But your choice obviously.

Fair enough not having them hang around before hand. But put yourself in their shoes being asked to wait 6-8 weeks-it’s a bit OTT. Just ask them for short visits. Unless you have an unwell or immunocompromised baby I think the germs thing is a bit silly. They will be exposed soon enough esp with older child.

The people in my life are wonderful and caring
If you say so.
It certainly the polar opposite of "You can't trust people to have your best interests in mind if it contradicts their wants".
Nothing wonderful or caring there...

We will also wait 6-8 weeks at least to introduce DC2, when germs are not as big a risk and we're all more settled

Christ, I misunderstood. I though your meant you were going to wait 6-8 weeks to introduce your second child to your first!

I totally get not wanting them with you before the birth but unless you're practically NC because of previous abuse or whatever, 6-8 weeks is highly OTT!!!
I assume DC1 is at nursery/school/childcare setting and highly likely that your partner works, so are you all going to barricade yourselves in for 2 months?!
Honestly, I'm sure I live in a parallel universe to some MNetters!

There have always been bugs and infections around 2 months is a really long time most seconds are on the school run in a week. Do you have a reason to be so scared?

Normally the UK is criticised for being too distant but here apparently we're too involved in our families' lives.

I'm sure there are countries that do things differently but I'd be surprised if it was the norm in most other countries to not visit grandchildren until they're 2 months old.

Also by saying other countries put the needs of the mother first you're implying it's the norm that the average mother wants no visitors unless she chooses to break this norm which again I'm not sure is the case.

You do what you want. I don't understand this overwhelming desire to see a gc just out of the womb if the parents don't want it. As for staying with the newly expanded family - fine if your intentions work with theirs and you can help with other DC, walk the dog, cook a few meals. Otherwise GPs and relatives should just wait to be invited when the family feel like it. Especially now new mothers are kicked out pretty early so recovering from stitches/soreness/breastfeeding is down to them not the hospital. To say nothing of ECs.

6-8 weeks is a long time. People will be hurt and some may even decide not to bother with your child if it is this hard work.

What will you be doing with your eldest in those 8 weeks? If they are going to nursery school they are in a germ soup. If you are planning to keep them home and not take them to soft play, the park etc then you are going to have one seriously bored child on your hands. A cuddle from grandma with clean hands will be much cleaner then your child.

But your family will judge you. Surely if you have suppressed immunity etc your family know and understand

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba But this is excluding everyone.

If you did it last time you just have to say what you did then. You maybe remember how it went and if you could change anything that would make it better explained.

I do think people have a point when they say that with your other child it makes it less logical to not have visitors to stop germs as the child will be the one most likely to bring viruses etc into the house.

You hint at there being other reasons but if we don't know them we're just going off this post.

I've read it all now

Urgh. I see this 6-8 week thing a lot on Reddit. Shame it's made its way over here. Do what you want I guess. But quite frankly unless you, and everyone living with you, never leave the house within those 6-8 weeks, the restriction is utterly meaningless, and will do nothing more than create ill feelings.

I couldn't wait to share my newborns. Was a bit upset my in laws who were looking after DC1 for me, couldn't come to visit me on the ward to see DC2. If I were to impose a limit on visiting I would only say a week or two. Enough time to get used to having a new baby, establish feeding, and heal up a bit.