No visitors at birth - how to break the news

[LettucesAndRoses]

Hello,

So we've decided we don't want anyone coming at the time of the birth. We live far away from our parents and don't want a circus in town two weeks prior and after just to make sure they don't miss the birth. It's a second baby and we also prefer DC1 stays with her dad when I'm in hospital, she will be a lot more settled this way and it will give us peace of mind.
We will also wait 6-8 weeks at least to introduce DC2, when germs are not as big a risk and we're all more settled.

Our parents assumed without asking that they would come. Any advice on how to break the news firmly but kindly?

Wow, there were all of us with lockdown babies who would have given anything to be able to introduce them to family without waiting months. I find this q strange and sad.

Thanks for those who actually answered my question. It's almost impossible on this forum to not get unwanted judgement, often aggressive too.
Please remember you don't know people's circumstances and past experiences.

I have ocd and even I let immediate family see my prem newborn twins. We just didn't have extended family over until they technically had reached full term.
This is your second child so I am curious what you did with the first considering you have already had a new born - or is there a back story to this making you more anxious?
I think you might have a germ phobia so just tell them this if you do.

I didn't want a big circus when my children were born, I didn't tell anyone I was in labour with my daughter and didn't announce she had been born until 4 hours after when we were all sorted, showered, clean and fed! Then my parents came for a visit and the joy in them when they met their first Grandchild was wonderful. I will never forget that moment! I cannot imagine keeping that from them for 8 weeks!!! That is a very very long time and presumably your partner will be back to work after a week or so, and you'll need to get out and about.

With my 2nd I was in a hospital 2 hours from my family so they didn't meet baby until the day after when we got home and then I was out doing the Nursery run with the pram after 3 days as I was desperate to show off the baby!!!!

Don't begrudge people seeing your baby. As long as they're not showing any signs of actual illness, the risk of germs in low! Keep the numbers down, but don't isolate yourselves. We only had Grandparents for the first few days then started widening our visitors when ready but then no one outstayed their welcome, everyone helped out by getting the kettle on asap, bringing cakes and snacks, and no one hogged my baby to the point I was pining. I was breastfeeding too so if baby needed it, I could take them and head upstairs for a cuddle and a feed if I needed a break.

In a few years you are going to be one of those posters complaining that other grandchildren are favoured over yours, no help from gps, not wanting to come to your child's birthday party etc etc

To answer your question, there is no way to tell your parents that they are not welcome for 6-8 wks that won't caused tension and sadness.
How did you do it last time?

Just tell them the truth as to your decision as that's the kindest option.

Please remember you don't know people's circumstances and past experiences.

To be honest I'm really struggling to think of any logical reason you'd want to keep everyone at arms length for so long. The only reasons I can come up with would mean you'd likely be no contact with your family so this wouldn't even be an issue.

My parents were away on holiday in Scotland when my DS gave birth three weeks prematurely in Sussex. I was working abroad. This was the late 80s, pre mobiles and emails and booking instant flights online. My DS has never forgiven any of us because it took us three days (parents) and four days (me) to get to her and my niece. She had a husband, she wasn't alone.

I'd be careful what you wish for. I think expecting people to be available instantly and asking people to wait eight weeks are both unreasonable.

Sure you don’t want them hanging around when you’re heavily pregnant/overdue but I find 6-8 weeks excessive. Can’t they visit for a couple of hours? If you are too far/abroad they could stay in a hotel? I am sure your family are aware of your neurotic personality though so it’s not going to be a huge surprise.

I also agree with pp re germs and DC1. DS1 is by far the biggest germ carrier in our household.

I think you’re being a bit ridiculous especially since you’ve already got a child who will presumably be bringing germs into the house unless you keep your child and also your partner indoors for 6-8 weeks too! I hope that’s not what you have planned!!

I totally get not wanting to introduce newborn to covid etc, you could get your family to do a test before visiting and stay away if they’re sick. Also wash hands before handling baby etc but anything else is just OTT.

It's hard to know if you're being unreasonable op without knowing if there's a backstory? Are they horribly abusive people? If so, then you can keep them away forever! Or are they loving, kind grandparents?

In the first few weeks baby will have lots of lovely antibodies she has received from you. It's the best time to expose her to the world, letting her immune system develop naturally. If you hide her away for 6 to 8 weeks these antibodies will start to wane and it may be counterproductive.

We had no visitors for about 2 weeks; and no one during the hospital stay as covid was going on. 6-8 weeks is a long time imo, I would think 3-4 weeks is a bit kinder to your family. You could also insist they stay at a hotel etc. When we have al our parents come at the same time, we sometimes book them a nice air bnb or unusual place to stay all together which they enjoy and makes it a bit special. Means we go to see them or they come to the house or we have dinner etc but we also come home alone! X

Are they expecting to stay with you? Would they consider a nearby hotel or would that suggestion offend them?

If you're expected to host and be a skivvy then I wouldn't blame you for wanting to wait so long. If they are in a hotel and have the sense to just do short visits and maybe take the older DC out then I think 6 weeks is a bit much.

Then you have to tell them, OP. Don't hold stuff back and then get prickly when people make assumptions.

No we don’t. So tell us - what are these past experiences?

You’re being precious and ridiculous.

God you sound hard work.
Just crack on, I'm guessing it won't be a shock to your friends/family if you did it previously.

This.
Op is worryingly misguided!

You don't want to introduce your baby to anyone for TWO MONTHS??

Aren't you planning on going to any baby groups in that time?

I hope all goes well for you OP. Just remember that if for any reason you do end up needing help don’t be too proud to back track and ask for it.

You actually won't leave the house for 6-8 weeks? You won't go anywhere?

What will you do with your older child? Won't he or she need to go out?

What are the special circumstances in this case?

We’re no longer in a pandemic btw. Flu is a far bigger issue than covid and you can’t get people to test for flu.

Surely if you did the 6 - 8 week no visiting thing with your first child, the grandparents aren't going to expect anything different this time round?