No visitors at birth - how to break the news

[LettucesAndRoses]

Hello,

So we've decided we don't want anyone coming at the time of the birth. We live far away from our parents and don't want a circus in town two weeks prior and after just to make sure they don't miss the birth. It's a second baby and we also prefer DC1 stays with her dad when I'm in hospital, she will be a lot more settled this way and it will give us peace of mind.
We will also wait 6-8 weeks at least to introduce DC2, when germs are not as big a risk and we're all more settled.

Our parents assumed without asking that they would come. Any advice on how to break the news firmly but kindly?

You're overthinking.

Second is not PFB.

You need to read up about germs and the pandemic (over)

I completely agree that it’s far too much to have family stay in the run up to your baby’s birth. I would say to them all that you need to quietly rest and need to stay away from people to stop any bugs or from catching covid.
It is your baby so it’s up to you and your partner to when you introduce them to the rest of the family. 6-8 weeks is a long time but you managed before. All I’d say is we are not in the same place we were in years ago. You could suggest that everyone wears masks and must wash hands etc. Just be aware thag having a child already doesn’t necessarily make it easier having a second as you are non stop with both children so may appreciate a bit of support.

We will also wait 6-8 weeks at least to introduce DC2, when germs are not as big a risk and we're all more settled.
How bloody ridiculous! Why, in the name of God??

Are both sets of grandparents planning on staying with you? If so I can understand the need to get some boundaries in place and say sorry but that doesn’t work for us etc.

6-8 weeks is a long time though. Just say that you don’t feel comfortable with visitors in the house in the early days all the time when you come home with the baby. That the original plans they had don’t actually work for your family and put your foot down.

We are having our baby in May and have decided to put all visitors off for the first week we are home. Just so healing can take place and I can get to grips with breastfeeding. We live 15 mins away from my In Laws and 50 mins from my family.

While my family would come and help, cook meals, make cups of tea and generally just be a god send, his family would sit and expect cups of tea to be made and me to run around after them while they hold the baby and I’m not having it.

My family have been understanding, his family have gone mad over it. I can’t imagine how they would react to 8 weeks!

Do it the same way as you did it last time.

Or simply a group message: "hi all, as some of you will know we're really keen on having time to settle as a new family of 4 for a while after baby is born so please don't come round uninvited. We will let you know when we're ready for visitors."

If you already did it people will be aware, why would you need to ask about breaking the news for doing something you've already been through before? Or do you just want to post about how much more you care about your baby than everybody else

Of course your priority is to protect your baby, everyone's priority when they have a newborn is to protect them. A 2 month quarantine based solely on germ exposure sounds very odd though considering they have a sibling. FWIW I have 3 dc, they never got sick at such a young age.

Pandemic???!! Nuts. Poor grandparents...

My daughter is expecting our first grandchild in the next few weeks and if she told us we wouldn’t get to meet baby for 6-8 weeks I would be devastated!

I see your point as far as I wouldn't want people hanging around during or immediately after the birth, whilst I was still physically recovering and getting feeding established.

But we are talking a few days here at the most. 6-8 weeks seems quite excessive.

Just tell them you made a decision to wait few weeks with visitors due to health concerns, but they're more than welcome to come visit later on. However kind and gentle you're going to be, be prepared they might not take it well.

That's two extreme examples you’ve given. How about something in the middle? E.g. we'd welcome guests from week 2.

Expecting to be 'at the birth' is so completely weird I can't believe that's what you mean. To be in the room as you're pushing? Or to be there the day you come home (which I also wouldn't want, personally)? 6-8 weeks is insulting, especially if you're talking about grandparents.

I asked people to stay away when sick.

People lied. My FIL LIED about being sick so he could see the 8 hrs old baby.

People can be assholes. His wants were more important than my babies health.

Ive learned from that that you cannot trust other people (Even family, even grandparents) to have your best interests in mind if it contradicts their wants.

This would have devastated my parents.

I was at the birth of both my grand-daughters because my daughter asked me to be. It was one of the hardest and also most wonderful experiences of my life and has given me a very special bond with both of them and with my amazing warrior of a daughter.
We don't live in each other's pockets but we do see each other regularly - when I look back at those early weeks and months I am so privileged to have been a part of it all - cuddling a sleeping newborn and giving my daughter an opportunity to rest and recover
I feel sad for you and your parents/in-laws that you are all going to miss out on that.

I really wish I'd insisted on no visitors for a few days. Months is unreasonable though.

People staying before and after, you just have to say you can't accommodate that. Maybe give dates when they CAN stay?

You clearly have a very different relationship with your daughter than the OP does with her parents. Don't try and manipulate her into changing her views.

FIL didn’t meet DC2 until she was 3 or 4 weeks due to lockdown and I felt very sad about him not getting to hold her as a squishy newborn. Babies change so much in those first few weeks, it seems cruel to deny close family that pleasure if you can.

MN is like a different world sometimes.

I don't think there is a way of kindly telling people that they can't visit to see a new baby for almost two months.
I would be very worried about the mental health of someone in my family who said this.
But because I would be worried I would be very gentle around them, hopefully your family will be gentle around you.

Most people aren't actually "assholes", and can be trusted to behave decently. Your view is obviously coloured by the lack of decent people in your life.

@saraclara

All I'm saying is that people should be more open-minded & accepting; even if it's strange here so what?
if OP wants time out (whatever her reasons might be) & her husband agrees then people should respect that and support them.

If I started again I'd put a stop to being forced to accommodate everyone else at my own expense, in any situation, but especially after giving birth.
The more kids I had the better I got at telling people what I wanted. I wish I'd done it sooner and I root for OP to get what she wants ie peace & quiet from visitors.

6 to 8 weeks is a long time, I'd say 1 to 2 weeks is reasonable.
If you're worried about illnesses they can wear a mask, that's what our grandparents both did when we had ds at the peak of the pandemic hysteria.
Also your dc has a sibling, they are more likely to get sick off them anyway.

Wow. When dc 3 was born, that very evening 25 of our closest family (dh and I have quite a few siblings between us) all descended on our front to raise a toast and cuddle the baby. I mainly sat, carefully, on my sofa with people offering to bring me glasses of fizz, deliver meals and take out our other dc on various days - it takes a village to raise a child.
I can’t imagine purposefully shutting myself off from my family for any reason let alone for 2 months. I think it’s a bit ridiculous but if it’s what you did last time people will most likely be expecting this strange behaviour from you again and you might find that you might not need to break anything to anyone at all.

Wow, 6-8 weeks is a long time and you might feel differently post birth. My mum stayed with us for a week after my 2nd child was born and I was really grateful for the help as DH couldn't take paternity leave straight away. Looking back now (over 10 years ago) I feel lucky that my mum had that bonding time as they are super close now.