No visitors at birth - how to break the news

[LettucesAndRoses]

Hello,

So we've decided we don't want anyone coming at the time of the birth. We live far away from our parents and don't want a circus in town two weeks prior and after just to make sure they don't miss the birth. It's a second baby and we also prefer DC1 stays with her dad when I'm in hospital, she will be a lot more settled this way and it will give us peace of mind.
We will also wait 6-8 weeks at least to introduce DC2, when germs are not as big a risk and we're all more settled.

Our parents assumed without asking that they would come. Any advice on how to break the news firmly but kindly?

i don't understand this overwhelming desire to see a gc just out of the womb

Two months isn't just out of the womb.

Put in its simplest terms, you know how we say you can't possibly know what it's like to be a mother until you are one? Same applies to becoming a grandparent.

I absolutely wasn't prepared for the storm of instinctive emotion that hit me. I'm a calm and practical type. I don't do big emotion in general. But it turns out that we are primed that way, when the new generation arrives. We want to know that our own baby is safe and that her baby is well. I don't know what it's like to be a paternal grandmother, but I'm guessing it's still a massive thing.

Please remember you don't know people's circumstances and past experiences.

The problem is that your approach to the first couple of months is very unusual so people are judging. You obviously understand that or you wouldn't be asking how to break the news, you would just think it’s a normal request and drop them a message. If you want agreement and suggestions then you would need to share the full story.

Come on. I get not wanting people rushing into the delivery suite 30 minutes after you've given birth, but you couldn't have kept my parents away from coming to see us when my children were born. They were so excited and rightly so. It would have been downright mean to ban them from seeing the kids for 6-8 weeks!!!

I think that- unless there's some terrible, abusive backstory- you need to rethink this. It's just not very nice.

While I agree some people can be judgmental on forums like this, remember they are responding based on the very limited information provided.

To me if you know your circumstances and past experiences that is driving this and as you said you did it for your first child then you don’t really need people’s opinion on MN.

Will be interesting to know what your parent and families response was when you told them you didn’t want any visitors until after 2 months for your first child.

Please remember you don't know people's circumstances and past experiences

Correct, but you asked a question and that question has been answered. If you want to share more then you'll get new replies specific to your situation.
You haven't answered if you'll be isolating all 4 of you for 6-8 weeks because that will be a big factor. If you are planning to do that it's easier to explain than 'no we'll carry on as normal but grandparents are specifically excluded' because that is pretty mean.

OP, I agree with most of your choices, they seem similar-ish to mine. I will preface this by stating that I do have health anxiety and underlying conditions which weaken my immune system.
I'm 8.5 months pregnant and have a just turned 2yr old who was born during level 5 lockdown.
I had an EMCS on my son after 3 days of labour so I was in the hospital for quite a few days afterwards. No visitors which I thought was bliss. However, the day I came home from the hospital, my husband invited his parents over which I found so intrusive. I think it's normal to want days/weeks to heal, establish breastfeeding, bond with a new little person.
My rules this time are as follows:

• no visitors for at least 1 week
• do not visit if you are sick or if you have knowingly been around someone with Covid/flu
• wash hands upon entry to house and then sanitise hands (seems over the top but PILs seem reluctant to do anything more than flick their fingers under the tap for 5 seconds)
• Covid tests for selected people (I realize this sounds very discriminatory but PILs have made me and my 2yr old extremely sick multiple times because they don't care and so, can't be trusted)

I wish you the best of luck with your birth and hope your family is respectful of your wishes.

@DinderMufflin I don't think OP's choice is similar to yours at all! Asking for no visitors for a week is far from unusual. But 6-8 wks? That's highly unusual.

@LightHousePanda

I'm not implying that.
I'm saying that people know they're not supposed to bother the new mum with requests to visit at home.
period.
She already has her plan of who will be supporting her & family. You just let her be. When she's ready she'll let you know.

So?

Whatever happened to "her body her choice"?
We are supposed to bend over backwards for insane bridzillas whose choices are to be respected no matter what.

yet people can't be supportive & respectful of a new mother and put her needs first? why? even if she's unreasonable in the eyes of others her feelings are valid.
Everyone else should just back off and stop thinking about themselves

It's what we did for DC1, we waited to introduce her. We avoided her getting sick like so many other newborns and protecting her is our only responsibility, not keeping grandparents happy.

If it's what you did with DC1 then just say the same thing you said when she was born.

It's what we did for DC1, we waited to introduce her. We avoided her getting sick like so many other newborns and protecting her is our only responsibility, not keeping grandparents happy
Whatever; but it's a fact that the vast majority of newborns remain perfectly healthy, even when not kept in an isolation bubble for the first eight weeks of their lives.
Your means of "protection" is extreme.

It's not just mums body what about the father or partner do they have a say in this extended laying in that sounds more like the Victorian idea or an implication that the woman is dirty until cleansed.

@jannier
I did mention about thar father in another post.

I can't help that you interpret "let mum have the time she needs" with whatever garbage you said

We are supposed to bend over backwards for insane bridzillas whose choices are to be respected no matter what.

You might. I don't.

If OP bans those who are likely to love and care for her child more than anyone other than her and her partner, there's nothing they can do about it. They'll have to abide by her choices. But I think it's both unnecessary (as a pp pointed out ,the baby is most protected in those first few weeks when it has its mum's antibodies) and hurtful.

I had no trouble understanding what she said, it may have seemed like garbage to you because you couldn't?

Obviously you don't know either history or some cultural practices still followed today.

I think you just have to tell them your wishes, send the same message to everyone at the same time. This is your child and you have to do what's right for you.

I will be telling my family that there's will be no visits first few days out of hospital and after that while OH if off work for the limited time there will be short visits. People can come and have longer than 15 mins when OH is back in work he gets 2 weeks and I don't want him not to get anytime with the baby.

Maybe I'd not give a time scale and just say when we are ready we will invite you to meet the new addition that's what I will be saying.

I think the world has done mad when grandparents, great auntys and uncles, extended family and friends think it's ok to come and visit first day out of hospital and stay for hours x

Just be interested to know what you would do if your other child was school age

Because they want to, it's their child and their choice.

Why is it a societal norm that you have to let everyone in to see your child and not allow the parents time to bond with them.

A friend of mine had a baby recently and said she waited 4 days and then allowed visitors, people wouldn't leave and she felt as though she had not held her baby all day. If they are travelling for hours they are going to expect to see the baby for hours and it's not fair.

If op didn't consider anything amiss with her choice she wouldn't be posting about it on here.

However if you thought that visiting would cause distress to your daughter and possibly cause PND I'm sure your would be fine with staying away.

Op may feel differently once the babies here or she may not.
Leading up to birth is anxiety provoking as you never know how it will go and if she has these plans in place this could reduce her anxiety.

@Johnnysgirl she doesn't see anything a miss with her choice she just wants to tell people in a nice way.

Honestly even if I said to my family you can meet the baby the day after I come home from hospital but it will be a short visit it would be an issue.

Some families just dictate.
Op's family will need to stay with them and who wants that after giving birth and trying to establish a routine with 2 children x

I wouldn't put grandparents in the same category as grand aunts extended family or friends. Granny is your mum who was bloody scared for you and wants to see her baby is okay. Granny is his mum who waited at home worrying for her baby going through the first scary thing he's probably ever had to do in his life the fear doesn't go away for your parents just because you are a parent.

I would think that if my daughter was so fragile she needed to be locked away for 2 months I'd need to talk to her partner to see what medical help she was getting and how as a family we could support them all. Isolation and locking yourself away with PND isn't advised as it makes things worse.

I remember reading something on here donks ago that I thought quite profound in a way. Woman gives birth, her Mum came to visit a couple of days later and in the course of cooing over the baby etc said to her daughter, 'you know how much you love your beautiful baby - well that's how much I love you....' I couldn't tell my mum she couldn't visit her grandchild for 2 months after the birth.