No visitors at birth - how to break the news

[LettucesAndRoses]

Hello,

So we've decided we don't want anyone coming at the time of the birth. We live far away from our parents and don't want a circus in town two weeks prior and after just to make sure they don't miss the birth. It's a second baby and we also prefer DC1 stays with her dad when I'm in hospital, she will be a lot more settled this way and it will give us peace of mind.
We will also wait 6-8 weeks at least to introduce DC2, when germs are not as big a risk and we're all more settled.

Our parents assumed without asking that they would come. Any advice on how to break the news firmly but kindly?

it might be weird to you if you live in the UK.

but in other countries people put the need of the mother & baby first and visiting them is not even on the table until 6 weeks have passed, unless the mother requests it (usually very close relatives & best friends only, they don't just go to be served cups of tea but to help out with household chores, cooking, childcare etc).

In Hungary we call it "child bed", literally meaning that mother should stay in bed to rest & only care for baby in that 6w time frame.
It's a social custom everyone knows, essentially a "do not disturb" card on the door handle.

(similar to a honeymoon period for newly weds)

What happened at six to eight weeks then ?

Why on earth do you want to wait 6 - 8 weeks to introduce your new baby to your family? That won't go down well and I would be very hurt if any of my children ever did that to me!!

I can understand maybe waiting a few days or a week once you are home, but much longer is ridiculous. Don't you want to show your baby to your family?

Sorry but 6-8weeks is so OTT, a couple weeks yes but your family will just want to meet there new loved one and I'm sure they will be aiming to not to bring any germs into your home

It seems OTT to me. Will your older child also be kept in and away from germs for this time? Older siblings bring things back to younger siblings all the time!

What magic do you think happens at 6-8 weeks that will protect your new born from bugs and illnesses?

How do you plan to keep your newborn segregated from the biggest source of bugs and illnesses - your DC1 - during these magical 6-8 weeks?

Are you in the UK? There's not a pandemic

As a young child I remember being taken by DM to visit a friend and new baby in hospital. She was thrilled to see us and asked me if I wanted a hold.

When I had (now teen) DC I was so excited for people to come and meet them, I couldn’t wait to show them off. I find it very sad that people want to stop loved ones coming to meet the newest family member these days.

Sounds like OPs parents and inlaws will be coming from some distance away and staying for days/weeks. In which case asking the gps to book travel for 6-8 weeks after baby’s due date is an entirely reasonable idea.
If it’s just a 2 hour car ride and they can come for just the day or just the weekend then it seems quite a long time to wait.

And in other countries, the new mother is entirely cared for by her own mother, her MIL and her sisters.

But OP's family is here and they're used to what is the norm here. Which is seeing mother and grandchild within a few days.

Most will back off after that point and let the new family get established, especially if asked gently. But expecting grandparents here to not see their son/daughter and new grandbaby at all, for two months, is difficult.

Your poor parents…
Unless you’re planning on staying in and keeping DC1 away from everything and everybody (no playgrounds, no friends) then this seems punitive on your folks.
of course they don’t need to come to the hospital, but why not share the joy of your baby w them?

I had a 32 weeker, I asked the scubu what I should do to protect him and they said to treat him as a normal baby, nothing special. Unless you keep dc1 at home there really isn't any point.

Do you not like your parents and in laws op?

Op’s going to be posting in a year about how they have no support and their families don’t try to include them at all.

I don't think it matters how you word it, telling your family they are going to have to wait 6-8 weeks to see the baby is not going to go down well.

Don't moan in years to come that grandparents show no interest in your kids. Your own fault for making them unwelcome.

I’ve never in my life heard anything so bizarre. And I have health anxiety.

I don't know how you could keep family away for so long. I'd be so proud to share the new baby with both sides of the family. I'd honestly be so upset if my kids,when older, made me stay away for this length of time.

Its your choice at the end of the day.

Having them not be there waiting at the hospital when you give birth seems reasonable, no one in my family even suggested that and it was just assumed they'd see us when we asked them.

But 6-8 weeks until meeting anyone seems extremely excessive imo, unless there's some sort of specific medical issue at play here. It is ultimately your choice, but I'm just giving my opinion. If you were my family member I'd not argue with you about it certainly, but I'd also maybe feel like you didn't particularly value my presence in your child's life.

Ok then

We didn't take our dc to meet anyone for the first couple of weeks and then he started baby classes at 3 weeks old. It's perfectly fine to keep the new baby to yourselves for a few weeks but I wouldn't keep your other child away from them as that will cause problems and is quite mean.

Hope you've got a miniature tin foil hat for bubs.

6-8 weeks is completely unreasonable.

6-8 weeks!!! Careful you might find people have lost interest by then

No visitors at birth makes sense, gives you time to have the baby without having to look after other people's demands to see it.

Waiting 6 to 8 weeks for people to meet the baby is madness. This is your second? youll have been out and about to the shops, daycare, all sorts within the first week!

No visitors immediately around birth is fine and perfectly reasonable. 6-8 weeks citing 'germs' is a bit... odd.
Does dc1 go to school or nursery? Playgroups? Because they will come into contact with other people.

6-8 weeks is also a long time to isolate yourself as a new mum. Will you have no contact with anyone, none of you leave the house for fear of 'germs'? That's not healthy for any of you.