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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband and mum as birth partners?

169 replies

Ambn1 · 18/12/2022 07:43

I’m pregnant with our first baby and it’s been a long wait to get here after IVF.

After seeing the midwife and talking about options for giving birth I’ve been thinking about whether to just have my husband or whether to have my mum as well as a birth partner.

Pros:

  • My mum is lovely and has been really supportive through all of our treatment.
  • I know I would find her comforting if I was upset.
  • She has been there for nieces and nephews births and I think it would be nice for her to be such a big part of baby’s life.

But…

  • I’m worried that it might feel a bit embarrassing! I don’t mind my husband seeing me with no dignity 😂but worry I might feel it more with my mum (she would be lovely but it’s just me as I’m self conscious!)
  • I don’t want my husband to feel pushed out in any way. He says he is happy for either option!

Has anyone got any experience or advice or are going through a similar thought process?

OP posts:
Cdoc · 18/12/2022 07:57

Congratulations on your pregnancy Op 🤍it sounds like it’s been a long road to get there.

I am pregnant with my first and both my mum and husband will be in there with me. I think it’s completely personal choice, I am very close to my mum and so is my husband, I couldn’t imagine her not being there. It wouldn’t work for everyone but if it’s what you want, I am sure your husband won’t mind 😊

WandaWonder · 18/12/2022 07:59

I had my mum who held my hand and husband was down the other end helping the midwife asking if I wanted to see 'no flipping way' was my response

Adventvibes · 18/12/2022 08:01

Final bullet point seems important - how does he feel about it?

my mum wanted to be my birth partner in c section, argued that she would be more accustomed to medical stuff than DH (she works in a related field) but for me absolutely no way I would have had her over DH, for the birth of his own child

my granny always had a different perspective bc in the old days of course it was just midwives and birthing mums.

mymeatballsmymeatballs · 18/12/2022 08:01

I had my mum and my husband with me. Husband stayed at my head and my mum saw everything!🤣 I wasn't embarrassed at all, it doesn't even enter your mind once you're in labour. My mum found it hard seeing me in pain but she loved everything else about it, found it fascinating and an honour to be there. My mum also cut the cord because my husband is squeamish.

EllieRosesMammy · 18/12/2022 08:03

Congrats! I had my partner and my mum there for my 1st baby and honestly couldn't of done it without her. Myself and partner were only 22, I was terrified and obviously my partner had no clue what to do😅

Having my mum there who had done it all before was definetely a good thing. Plus labour can sometimes be really really long and it's a lot of pressure on one birthing partner, having two there meant they could take turns going outside for a breather.

As far as being embarrassed goes trust me you will not care one bit once you're in labour. You kind of lose most of your dignity, especially if you have a labour that involves multiple handovers between midwives, doctors popping in, students being involved etc. You really stop caring once that pain hits and/or you get on the gas&air 😂

Good luck! Xx

user159 · 18/12/2022 08:03

I personally couldn't imagine having my mum there. It was such a personal moment for my husband and I, it's a very personal choice but if I was to have another it would be just DH again, he was brilliant and for us having anyone else in the room would have changed the dynamic.

Good luck!

cptartapp · 18/12/2022 08:13

^ this.
Just smacks of over involvement having DM there, which may more likely to be continued as baby grows up.
I see enough GM 'playing mum' without being at the birth as well. It's not her place IMO and sets a precedent for seeing herself superior to MIL, although I fully understand why most wouldn't want their MIL present.
Appreciate I have weird views on this.

Campervangirl · 18/12/2022 08:16

What does your dh think?
I had my dm and oh in the delivery room whilst I was in labour, dm was a great support but she left the room before I gave birth to give us that time together, my dm (now passed 💔) was conscious that actually giving birth was personal to us.
Would that work for you, have them both then dm steps outside.
My dm came back in for 5 minutes when we were all cleaned up then went home.
Good luck to you ❤️

BraveFaceScaredInside · 18/12/2022 10:14

I had my mum and hubby at my first 2 childrens birth, 3rd child was c section and only my hubby came in as its 1 person only.

Go for it, 2 people are better than 1 (if you want them both there)

Flowers
Starsinthesky22 · 18/12/2022 17:40

I guess this is very individual. In my experience I didn’t feel how I thought I would during the birth of my first baby. I’m usually a very tactile person and like the support of people around me but to be honest during labour and birth I didn’t like my husband or even the midwife’s being there. I’d have much preferred to have been unobserved in a dark room getting on with it myself.
Maybe you could chose both for now and on the day if you don’t like one or both them being there tell them how you’d prefer to continue in the moment?

Watapalava · 18/12/2022 17:45

I didn’t have my mum - just dh. It’s too personal plus I wouldn’t have done that to my mum in law who’s lovely.

i find it not wierd when people have their mum but I know what’s on me as so many do! It would have defo taken away the intimacy between me and dh.

Watapalava · 18/12/2022 17:46

Bit weird

Perfect28 · 18/12/2022 17:50

Do it. Your husband will be glad to have the support. Your mum will get what you're going through. I had both and would do again.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 18/12/2022 17:50

It’s a very personal thing but I’ll only be having my husband there. I’m close to my mum but I still see it as a very special private thing for me and my husband, plus he’s great and very caring/got his head screwed on so he can look after me just fine.

Dinosaurpoopy · 18/12/2022 19:42

I wanted my mum and she was there for most of it, but when I had to go for my emergency section only my husband was allowed and she was sent home! Luckily my midwife argued she should be allowed to see her grandson at least so she had 5 minutes once I was out of surgery

Skala123 · 18/12/2022 19:47

I loved having my mum there for the birth. Especially in the immediate time afterwards. Husband held the baby whilst she helped me to the toilet and put knickers on etc. all stuff midwives would have done but I preferred having her help me. It was a special time for all of us

toomuchlaundry · 18/12/2022 19:48

I just had my DH, felt it was a very personal thing between us becoming parents. Also we ended up going on a quick dash to another hospital at 3am and DS born 3 hours later. DM lived a couple of hours away so wouldn’t have worked even if I had wanted her there. I also had complications after birth. Better that everything was well by the time we contacted the new grandparents

BeanieTeen · 18/12/2022 19:54

From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like you particularly feel you need her there, you could happily manage without. In which case I’d lean towards a no. Is this more to please her? Her being there through your pregnancy and attending nieces and nephews births kind of sounds like you feel you should have her there rather than you really want her there. If you’re stance is your happy to take or leave it, I’d leave it.

RefuseTheLies · 18/12/2022 19:54

I wanted my mum there, but when I asked her she said no thanks 😁 Which was fair enough.

HS1990 · 18/12/2022 19:55

Originally with my first I planned for my mum only. Circumstances worked against me and hubby ended up there instead. He was amazing, so calm and supportive. My mum probably would have argued with the nurses tbf. 😂first time delivery is usually lengthy!

tiggergoesbounce · 18/12/2022 20:01

My mum was amazing and my best friend, it took us a long while to concieve our DS, so a long awaiting Nana as well, so i wanted her there But at the last week i changed my mind. I thought of my DH and didnt want him unable to cry or show full emotion towards me or feel pushed out as me and my mum were so close i didn't want us to get carried away and him get pushed into the background as hes so placid.

DH would never have said him preferring my DM not be there, but i do think it was better all round that she waited outside and came in 5 mins after xxx

BabyMomma2021 · 18/12/2022 20:01

I didn't want anyone other than DH there - too personal (wouldn't have had an option anyway as gave birth in covid times)

My sister had my mum there for all her kids births but she was much younger than me when she had her first.

As long as you and DH are happy then do whatever feels most comfortable at what is going to be a vulnerable time xx

Mommabear20 · 18/12/2022 20:04

I only had DH and honestly wouldn't have it any other way. It's such a personal moment meeting your DC for the first time, and he might have felt like he couldn't be completely himself with his emotions etc if my mum had been there.

Ruthietuthie · 18/12/2022 20:05

I had planned to have both my mum and my DH there. In the end, the baby came early, so it was just DH and me.
In hindsight, I am glad it worked out that way. My DH can sometimes not be good in a crisis and rather passive, whereas my mum is, and is perhaps more confident. My labor was dreadful, but because DH was the only one there, he HAD to be there, standing up for me, helping me through. I think, if mum had been there, he would have been pushed to the side. Afterwards, I felt as if going through this life-changing thing together, just the two of us, strengthened our relationship.

Danikm151 · 18/12/2022 20:07

I had my mom and baby’s Dad there. She helped me by encouraging him!
she also helped me in the shower afterwards.
my mom and I are very close and I called her first when I went into Labour(induction)

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