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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband and mum as birth partners?

169 replies

Ambn1 · 18/12/2022 07:43

I’m pregnant with our first baby and it’s been a long wait to get here after IVF.

After seeing the midwife and talking about options for giving birth I’ve been thinking about whether to just have my husband or whether to have my mum as well as a birth partner.

Pros:

  • My mum is lovely and has been really supportive through all of our treatment.
  • I know I would find her comforting if I was upset.
  • She has been there for nieces and nephews births and I think it would be nice for her to be such a big part of baby’s life.

But…

  • I’m worried that it might feel a bit embarrassing! I don’t mind my husband seeing me with no dignity 😂but worry I might feel it more with my mum (she would be lovely but it’s just me as I’m self conscious!)
  • I don’t want my husband to feel pushed out in any way. He says he is happy for either option!

Has anyone got any experience or advice or are going through a similar thought process?

OP posts:
firsttimelondonmummy · 22/12/2022 12:45

It’s a shame people you’ve met have been through that @hollyjolls but as @AllThingsServeTheBeam said, it’s just not true for all of us or actually anyone I know if I’m honest.
Some of us are just lucky enough to have amazing mums and partners and to want to share the experience with two of the most special people in our lives ☺️

toomuchlaundry · 22/12/2022 13:12

Is MIL included in that as well @firsttimelondonmummy as I assume she is special to your DH? What about your dad, assume he is special to you too?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 13:14

toomuchlaundry · 22/12/2022 13:12

Is MIL included in that as well @firsttimelondonmummy as I assume she is special to your DH? What about your dad, assume he is special to you too?

Why are you getting all defensive about who people choose to have in the room while they push out a baby? 🤣

toomuchlaundry · 22/12/2022 13:30

@AllThingsServeTheBeam I just find it interesting. Also being adopted I assume my mother wouldn’t come within the criteria of some posters definition of special, amazing and worth being at a birth as she never gave birth to me. But then I wonder have all these amazing mums been through every birth trauma that is possible so will be able to help with whatever is thrown at you. If a mum had only a c-section would she also be deemed not special enough if you weren’t having a c-section.

I found becoming a parent was a very intimate experience and therefore only wanted DH there at the birth. When things went wrong after the birth I also wouldn’t have wanted my mum or anyone else worrying about me until it was sorted.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 13:39

toomuchlaundry · 22/12/2022 13:30

@AllThingsServeTheBeam I just find it interesting. Also being adopted I assume my mother wouldn’t come within the criteria of some posters definition of special, amazing and worth being at a birth as she never gave birth to me. But then I wonder have all these amazing mums been through every birth trauma that is possible so will be able to help with whatever is thrown at you. If a mum had only a c-section would she also be deemed not special enough if you weren’t having a c-section.

I found becoming a parent was a very intimate experience and therefore only wanted DH there at the birth. When things went wrong after the birth I also wouldn’t have wanted my mum or anyone else worrying about me until it was sorted.

My mum had a pretty traumatic birth with me. But that doesn't make her anymore amazing. I would have wanted her there regardless of if or how she'd given birth to me. My mum would have been more worried not being with me than knowing what was going on in the moment. If I needed a section then dp would have come with me know question.

firsttimelondonmummy · 22/12/2022 15:00

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 13:39

My mum had a pretty traumatic birth with me. But that doesn't make her anymore amazing. I would have wanted her there regardless of if or how she'd given birth to me. My mum would have been more worried not being with me than knowing what was going on in the moment. If I needed a section then dp would have come with me know question.

Show quote history

This 👏🏻👏🏻

Also @toomuchlaundry its silly to assume isn’t it.
As assumptions often are, yours are wrong.
My partners mother is an addict with severe mental health issues and my dad doesn’t want to be at the birth but will be at the hospital to hopefully see DS shortly after birth all being well as will DP’s Dad and Nan.

It’s also not about what my mum went through personally I just know how amazing she is in stressful situations and how if god forbid anything went wrong she’d be the one to keep us calm. That’s just who she is.
It was a joint choice to have her present and we look forward to it when we hopefully reach that day.

quietnightmare · 22/12/2022 15:49

@AllThingsServeTheBeam it's personal choice. If you need mummy to hold your hand then you need mummy to hold your hand. Everyone matures at different ages. Some people are more resilient than others, a situation that it worrying to someone may be a breeze to someone else. We are all different.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 22/12/2022 16:00

It’s also not about what my mum went through personally I just know how amazing she is in stressful situations and how if god forbid anything went wrong she’d be the one to keep us calm.

I’m not trying to be sarky but is that not the role of your husband (partner)? I’d be pretty disappointed in my husband if he needed my mum to calm him down instead of stepping up to the plate if things got difficult. Obviously it’s entirely your choice who you have there, some people just find it a bit odd and overdependent.

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 22/12/2022 16:22

It's personal choice, my mum retired recently having been a nurse for close to 50 years, I'm close to her and love her very much but there was absolutely no chance she was ever going to be present at the birth of my children. I didn't even tell her I was in labour the first and third time as my parents would worry. I had an agreement with my husband that we never shared when I went into labour etc with anyone and just announced the birth once we were ready. Having our children was a very special moment for my husband and I, it was about us and our new baby, we didn't need spectators in the stands watching hoping to get in on the action. As it happened my mum was exactly the same when she had my siblings and I, she didn't tell anyone she was in labour and the only person that was going to be there was my dad.

If your mum helps you and your husband gets on with her fine, if it'll cause your husband upset and to feel pushed out I wouldn't have her there.

Summer2424 · 22/12/2022 16:30

Congratulations! @Ambn1
I had my hubby at the birth, my labour went on for 24 hours. Hubby actually said shall i get your Mum as i was really struggling. I said no because i thought it's such a long day and night, i would rather my Mum be there to look after me once i've had the baby.

When i got to the recovery ward my hubby went home to rest and my Mum came with food, she looked after me and bubba i really needed that.
Hope the above helps x

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 16:30

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Ambn1 · 22/12/2022 16:39

Thank you to everyone who has shared their experience or has posted some positive advice! I am really grateful for those who have shared a personal experience. It’s given me lots to think over. I didn’t consider the idea that my husband will most likely be exhausted after the birth after possibly staying up for days on end, and it might be good to have my mum on hand at that point for support.

I’m quite surprised at some of the comments criticising others decisions and putting others down for wanting the support of their mum at a difficult time as ‘needing Mummy to hold their hand’. I don’t think this is fair and I don’t think anyone should criticise another person for asking for support from a loved one when they need it. It’s a personal decision and doesn’t cause harm to anyone else, so unkindness is so unnecessary.

My MIL died 8 years ago so unfortunately we don’t have the option of asking her to be there or to support in any way or that would have factored into our decision making as well.

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 16:53

This reply has been deleted

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quietnightmare · 22/12/2022 16:55

This reply has been deleted

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Reign it in, I'm sure your mother will be grounding you for this one

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 16:56

quietnightmare · 22/12/2022 16:55

Reign it in, I'm sure your mother will be grounding you for this one

Show quote history

You're pathetic. Shame your mum did such an abysmal job of raising you.

quietnightmare · 22/12/2022 16:56

This reply has been deleted

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WitchWithoutChips · 22/12/2022 16:58

@AllThingsServeTheBeam I mean this kindly whether or not you take it as such - I think you should step away from the thread and have a mince pie. You’ve made your choices and are seemingly happy with them. What does it matter if folk disagree with you?

student26 · 22/12/2022 16:59

I had my partner and my mum there for both my children and wouldn’t have had it any other way. Very comforting to have both there.

WitchWithoutChips · 22/12/2022 16:59

Never mind - cross-posted with more vitriol. OP @Ambn1 I suggest asking MNHQ to zap this thread. It is getting too nasty.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 17:00

WitchWithoutChips · 22/12/2022 16:58

@AllThingsServeTheBeam I mean this kindly whether or not you take it as such - I think you should step away from the thread and have a mince pie. You’ve made your choices and are seemingly happy with them. What does it matter if folk disagree with you?

I am happy with them but being patronised and then getting my comment deleted?

Why do some posters feel the need to be such arseholes?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 22/12/2022 17:02

I don't think there is a right or wrong. For me it's an important time for you and your partner and something I only wanted to share with DH and he is the only support I need (along with the medical team).
Have a conversation with DH about it and ask him to really think about how he feels about it rather than an off the cuff "yeah I don't mind". It just needs to be the right decision for you two.

Original poster
Ambn1 · 22/12/2022 17:03

@AllThingsServeTheBeam I think it is because they have swear words that they are being deleted.

I understand why you feel upset by some of the comments angled your way. There is just no need.

OP posts:
WitchWithoutChips · 22/12/2022 17:03

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 17:00

I am happy with them but being patronised and then getting my comment deleted?

Why do some posters feel the need to be such arseholes?

Show quote history

MN doesn’t allow personal attacks and will delete ‘fuck you’ and ‘fuck off’ posts, no matter how justified you think they are.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 17:05

Ambn1 · 22/12/2022 17:03

@AllThingsServeTheBeam I think it is because they have swear words that they are being deleted.

I understand why you feel upset by some of the comments angled your way. There is just no need.

I'll ignore them now anyway OP. No use stooping to their level. Apparently you're not allowed to stick up for yourself on here but bullying is ok!

I hope that you come to a decision.

My mum wasn't planned to be there with my second but dp was dropping ds1 off with the PIL and my labour was so quick he almost missed it 🤣

Rockingcloggs · 22/12/2022 17:06

My little boy was also an IVF baby after many rounds and losses! I had my DH & Mum there and I wouldn't have had it any other way.