Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband and mum as birth partners?

169 replies

Ambn1 · 18/12/2022 07:43

I’m pregnant with our first baby and it’s been a long wait to get here after IVF.

After seeing the midwife and talking about options for giving birth I’ve been thinking about whether to just have my husband or whether to have my mum as well as a birth partner.

Pros:

  • My mum is lovely and has been really supportive through all of our treatment.
  • I know I would find her comforting if I was upset.
  • She has been there for nieces and nephews births and I think it would be nice for her to be such a big part of baby’s life.

But…

  • I’m worried that it might feel a bit embarrassing! I don’t mind my husband seeing me with no dignity 😂but worry I might feel it more with my mum (she would be lovely but it’s just me as I’m self conscious!)
  • I don’t want my husband to feel pushed out in any way. He says he is happy for either option!

Has anyone got any experience or advice or are going through a similar thought process?

OP posts:
MamaFirst · 18/12/2022 20:09

I've only ever had my husband there. It is a deeply personal decision, but personally I do feel that should just be for the two of you. It is such a beautiful, bonding experience and I fall in love with him all over again, every time. I wouldn't change that experience for the world.

ancientgran · 18/12/2022 20:09

mymeatballsmymeatballs · 18/12/2022 08:01

I had my mum and my husband with me. Husband stayed at my head and my mum saw everything!🤣 I wasn't embarrassed at all, it doesn't even enter your mind once you're in labour. My mum found it hard seeing me in pain but she loved everything else about it, found it fascinating and an honour to be there. My mum also cut the cord because my husband is squeamish.

It entered my mind when I was in labour. Home birth, my mother was downstairs with my older child and when midwife arrived I said, "I must make one thing clear, if my mother comes through that door then I will go out of it." Midwife smiled and said, "Message received." When my mother tried to "just pop in" midwife sent her packing.

I didn't want my mother there but there is no right or wrong answer OP, if you want your mum your have her, if you don't then that is fine as well.

ancientgran · 18/12/2022 20:12

Actually my favourite birth out of 4 was the one where it was just me and the midwife. I felt able to completely concentrate on me.

3littleloves · 18/12/2022 20:14

I was quite young when I had my first child, 21. I had both my mum and husband. Husband also same age and was a bit perplexed, my mum was excellent and supported me through it all. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Second child, mum couldn't be with me due to covid so just partner albeit he was amazing this time as now knew exactly what to do. Third time just 5 months ago, mum and husband both there again. Husband fully supported me through an extremely quick labour and mum was there documenting it all. Again, I wouldn't have had it any other way. Totally personal preference but my mother is my best friend and I wanted to share these experiences with her. Xx

saltofcelery · 18/12/2022 20:15

It's up to you and your husband. I would say to choose whatever option makes you most comfortable. Would your Mum be ok if, three hours in, you asked her to leave? If so, have them both.

@Starsinthesky22 this is exactly the way I feel - I'd happily do it all completely alone, when I'm in pain I don't like any fuss.

toomuchlaundry · 18/12/2022 20:19

@3littleloves what do you mean documenting it?

3littleloves · 18/12/2022 20:20

@toomuchlaundry I had her take lots of pictures and videos. I was really out of sorts first time round with all the pain relief so thankful she had so many videos and pics so I could remember it. Last time was fine as didn't have anything to make me drowsy but I still love looking back on all of the photos and videos of my daughter being born

changingforthebetter3 · 18/12/2022 20:22

My mum and DP were there for both, my mum was absolutely amazing

Essexgirlupnorth · 18/12/2022 20:23

I only had my husband as didn't want my mum and she didn't want to be there anyway.

My MIL was dropping non subtle hints about being there but I didn't want her to be so didn't invite her or tell her I was in labor. She did ring as was a long labour to ask if husband wanted relieved for a bit but he said no.

trailerandtractor · 18/12/2022 20:23

Just had my husband for both births. It’s such a special moment when your child is born, a moment I felt was just for the parents.

vivaespanaole · 18/12/2022 20:32

Just DH. I didnt want my DH to be pushed out or act differently. I really felt it was his
Moment to support his wife. And he did.

I also felt i would be braver without my mum. DH is my equal. Whereas i think with my mum id have wanted her to mother me/reassure me/make it stop. Will work perfectly for some but it wasn't the dynamic i wanted.

In the event i happily laboured alone downstairs in the dark and only woke up
DH when it was time to go to the hospital. I don't think id have coped with an audience.

Original poster
Ambn1 · 19/12/2022 07:01

Thank you so much for all of the replies!

I will discuss it a bit more with my husband and will see how I feel as we get closer to the time!

OP posts:
wishuponastar1988 · 19/12/2022 11:39

I had just my partner as my baby came on her due date which is also the day before my mums birthday. My mum lives 90 miles away, we thought baby wouldn't come on her due date for some reason so my mum was 3 Proseccos in at bottomless brunch when my waters went! Would've wanted her there if she could make it but she couldn't although she came to the hospital a few hours after baby was born. When in Labour you genuinely don't care about who sees Grin

NeonBoomerang · 19/12/2022 11:48

I had ex-DP (he wasn't an ex at the time) and my mum when DC1 was born. I thought I'd be heavily reliant on them to be be honest I was so in the zone that I wouldn't have noticed whether they were there or not to be honest. I was, however, fully dilated when I reached the hospital so it all happened a bit quickly.

For DC2, fifteen years after my first, I just had DH with me. I was induced so it was good to have company during the boring bits but again when it got to the nitty gritty I was focused on the job in hand.

CornedBeef451 · 19/12/2022 11:52

My DP wasn't much use at my births so I was very glad I had my DSister there, particularly as she used to be a midwife.

Depends on your relationships with them really. If it turns out to be a long labour they can tag team so they get a break and you're unlikely to care about being undignified once you're in labour!

Margo34 · 19/12/2022 12:09

I can't think of anything worse than having my mum there while I gave birth, but each to their own! I mean I love my mum ofc, but nope.

In labour any cares about dignity rapidly go out the room!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/12/2022 12:11

user159 · 18/12/2022 08:03

I personally couldn't imagine having my mum there. It was such a personal moment for my husband and I, it's a very personal choice but if I was to have another it would be just DH again, he was brilliant and for us having anyone else in the room would have changed the dynamic.

Good luck!

This is how I felt too.

Montague22 · 19/12/2022 12:17

I’d just have your DH as that sounds like you’ll be most relaxed.
I actually didn’t care who was there, didn’t want anyone to speak to/touch me/interact 🤣 and ignored any unimportant questions/chat. The presence of a quiet midwife was all I needed.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 19/12/2022 12:18

My mum was there for both DS1 and 2. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Neither would DP I don't think as they were very much a help to each other and to me.

Montague22 · 19/12/2022 12:19

Ah same as you @NeonBoomerang
Mine were really fast too, and you just need to get on with it don’t you. It sounds heartless but I honestly wasn’t even aware who was there. It’s nice to have someone to hold the baby afterwards though when you’re getting ‘sorted’.

Jellyjam36 · 19/12/2022 12:24

Completely personal choice, remember your mum has been there and done it and trust me you won't be embarrassed when you're in labour, all you will be thinking about is getting the baby out.
I would love to have that relationship with my Mum, but there's no way I'd have her there, very OTT and panicky, she would make it very stressful and about her. Also would tell everyone, such as the cashier in Waitrose, the ins and outs of my labour.

ancientgran · 19/12/2022 12:32

Jellyjam36 · 19/12/2022 12:24

Completely personal choice, remember your mum has been there and done it and trust me you won't be embarrassed when you're in labour, all you will be thinking about is getting the baby out.
I would love to have that relationship with my Mum, but there's no way I'd have her there, very OTT and panicky, she would make it very stressful and about her. Also would tell everyone, such as the cashier in Waitrose, the ins and outs of my labour.

How can you possibly say if she will be embarrassed or not? No way in this world would I have been comfortable with my mother in the room when I was in labour.

We are all different and there are no right or wrong ways to do this. As I said upthread I've had 4 and the one I was most relaxed with, and had the easiest delivery, was the one when it was just me and the midwife. Second best was the one where DH was home with the toddler and he arrived minutes before delivery.

Some of us do actually feel embarrassed in labour and it is a perfectly reasonable way to feel.

buckingmad · 19/12/2022 12:36

I gave birth during covid so could only have one - my husband. I really wanted my Mum too but couldn't. Next time I would love to have both there, I really missed my Mum.

But ultimately it depends on your relationship with your Mum and what you want. I'm very close to mine.

whattodo1975 · 19/12/2022 12:44

My thoughts on this is that if you need your mum there, then the relationship with your husband isn't strong enough.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 19/12/2022 12:46

whattodo1975 · 19/12/2022 12:44

My thoughts on this is that if you need your mum there, then the relationship with your husband isn't strong enough.

😂