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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband and mum as birth partners?

169 replies

Ambn1 · 18/12/2022 07:43

I’m pregnant with our first baby and it’s been a long wait to get here after IVF.

After seeing the midwife and talking about options for giving birth I’ve been thinking about whether to just have my husband or whether to have my mum as well as a birth partner.

Pros:

  • My mum is lovely and has been really supportive through all of our treatment.
  • I know I would find her comforting if I was upset.
  • She has been there for nieces and nephews births and I think it would be nice for her to be such a big part of baby’s life.

But…

  • I’m worried that it might feel a bit embarrassing! I don’t mind my husband seeing me with no dignity 😂but worry I might feel it more with my mum (she would be lovely but it’s just me as I’m self conscious!)
  • I don’t want my husband to feel pushed out in any way. He says he is happy for either option!

Has anyone got any experience or advice or are going through a similar thought process?

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 19/12/2022 13:01

I was the mum in that situation and it was great. DDs husband and I were a good team and DD loved having us there.

I don't agree with a pp who suggested that this would set the stage for me to be an intrusive grandmother - I was there for DGD birth but not for my other grandchildren, and I'm equally close to them all . Being there for the birth doesn't change your relationship at all.

JT69 · 19/12/2022 13:13

For me there is no way I’d have wanted my mum with me (and she wouldn’t want to be there either). It was an experience for me and my husband. But it’s personal choice as long as everyone is happy with it. Congratulations and hope it all goes well.

QueenLagertha · 19/12/2022 14:46

I definitely wouldn't have had my mum there. She wanted to be there with my first and I said no. Didn't go down well. MIL wanted to come in too. All about them of course 😂 they'd have been flapping about the place and updating half the country on their phones.
So glad it was just me and DH.
But I can understand some women choosing otherwise. Depends on relationship with your Mum and whether or not she'd be a good support to you during labour.

Also don't agree with the poster who said you won't feel embarrassed during labour. I still did. And I asked to be moved to a different ward afterwards as I nearly gave birth in front of other patients and their visitors. The staff gave me my own room in midwife unit, I think they felt sorry for me. I was so embarrassed.

Dinosaurpoopy · 21/12/2022 06:46

whattodo1975 · 19/12/2022 12:44

My thoughts on this is that if you need your mum there, then the relationship with your husband isn't strong enough.

My thoughts were my mum has done this before but my husband has never pushed a baby out a vagina

My2pence2day · 21/12/2022 06:48

Honestly OP, if you want your mum there, do it. Dignity really goes out the window and you won't care (speaking from experience). Plus she's your mum, she's seen it all before. All the best!

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 06:49

She has been there for nieces and nephews births and I think it would be nice for her to be such a big part of baby’s life.

This is not a good enough reason imo.

You have to be comfortable with whoever it is seeing you in whatever state you are in. They have to be happy with your screaming.

My2pence2day · 21/12/2022 06:50

You could always ask her to leave when you start actually pushing if you're worried (and warn her in advance)

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 21/12/2022 06:55

I personally wouldn't analyse it at all. Its so important you can relax and feel supported, if you feel that way your birth is so much more likely to go well. Everything else is irrelevant really. So who deserves what, who would really appreciate it etc are red herrings.
In your gut who do you want and need... That's it.

maggiebun · 21/12/2022 11:02

Im due next month and my DM and DH will be there. I know my mum will stand out of the way and only intervene if i need her. My bond with my husband is strong enough for him just to be there, so to the person who commented and said it isn't, they're wrong! I want my mum there as this will be her only grandchild and it would be her honour to be there, and when i need the loo etc, DH will have our child and she can help me, or vice versa. Plus i have asked my DH to film the birth and mum will be putting a flannel on my head.

I did have the conversation with DH before and he doesn't mind at all, he knows my mum will never see this in her life again, he knows how close we are, and he wants what I want and wants to make it as calm and relaxed for me as possible. Go with whatever you feel is right for you xx

ancientgran · 21/12/2022 11:11

Why do some people assume that because they weren't embarrassed/didn't care if the band of the Coldstream Guards paraded round the delivery room that everyone else will be the same? Is it really so hard for an adult to comprehend that we don't all feel the same?

toomuchlaundry · 21/12/2022 11:39

Why does anyone want to film the birth? I remember when I was in the maternity ward the couple in the bed opposite me were showing photos of her giving birth to their visitors. Seriously who wants to see that!

DuchessofSandwich · 21/12/2022 11:44

I ended up with an emergency c section so DH saw our baby a second before I did. His reaction is one of my best memories (seeing her myself was the best of course). I wouldn't have wanted to miss that.

maggiebun · 21/12/2022 12:36

@toomuchlaundry Because I want to see my baby the exact second she is born. That's a reason enough, not that i need to justify myself.

BeanieTeen · 21/12/2022 13:13

I want my mum there as this will be her only grandchild and it would be her honour to be there, and when i need the loo etc, DH will have our child and she can help me, or vice versa. Plus i have asked my DH to film the birth and mum will be putting a flannel on my head.

I feel like a filmable birth, lying back theatrically with a flannel on your head is not quite compatible with not being able to go and piss by yourself afterwards to be honest. If you can’t go to the loo on your own afterwards there’s a good chance it won’t be quite the magical film worthy event - maybe it depends on what genre you’re you are going for@maggiebun

I think some people would love to have their whole friends and family circle with them during and after labour, just to fawn over them. Even while doing a the magical post birth piss apparently (although I won’t lie, a great round of applause after that daunting first post-birth poo would not have felt out of place…)

C8H10N4O2 · 21/12/2022 13:28

maggiebun · 21/12/2022 12:36

@toomuchlaundry Because I want to see my baby the exact second she is born. That's a reason enough, not that i need to justify myself.

You can do what you want but you do need to consider that this plan makes very little allowance for the variations of normal labour and requires DH to faff around and focus on getting a good picture rather than being able to focus on the birth itself and the experience of seeing his child for the first time.

toomuchlaundry · 21/12/2022 13:38

Its such a shame I didn’t have DH filming the consultant doing his James Herriot impression with his arm up my fanjo having to pull out my placenta as it refused to come out naturally. What a lovely moment that was!

Wonder how many mums end up with a video of them doing a poo mid labour!

Problem when videoing something you are slightly removed emotionally from what is happening.

maggiebun · 21/12/2022 13:47

@BeanieTeen you have no idea what is planned for my birth, or my situation, so don't jump to conclusions and be so narrow minded to think that I think I'm getting a "filmable birth". And stop causing drama!
Too many judgmental and assuming women on this post!!!

@C8H10N4O2 myself and my husband have had the conversation, and it's our choice, which means both of us!

ChateauMargaux · 21/12/2022 13:51

I am a doula and I think you should decide what you want and discuss it with. your partner and your mother. You can all be involved in writing the birth preferences so that everyone is clear on what your wishes are. The birth preferences can be something that you work through together and then have summarised version to discuss with your midwife.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/12/2022 14:00

maggiebun · 21/12/2022 13:47

@BeanieTeen you have no idea what is planned for my birth, or my situation, so don't jump to conclusions and be so narrow minded to think that I think I'm getting a "filmable birth". And stop causing drama!
Too many judgmental and assuming women on this post!!!

@C8H10N4O2 myself and my husband have had the conversation, and it's our choice, which means both of us!

I'm quite aware of the fact that its your choice.

However since, as you say, this is your first and only birth you are not drawing on your own experience.

Having produced four, I'm advising you that what you plan and what works best in reality may be wildly different and setting up very specific expectations of each other such as "you must film every moment" its neither fair nor realistic.

For example, if the baby shifts in such away that you end up giving birth on your knees leaning on the bed (which is actually quite a popular position) then your husband will basically need to get in the midwife's way and film a delightful view up your bum.

You may wish to be flexible rather than prescriptive at that point.

toomuchlaundry · 21/12/2022 14:06

The cord also had to be removed from round DS’s neck as he was born, much rather the midwife was sorting that out and possibly blocking the view of the person with the camera than having a video of the birth

almondflake · 21/12/2022 14:11

My daughter was just having her partner at the birth of her daughter , it was her first pregnancy and was called into hospital to be induced. She asked me to visit and I never went home .
My daughter started to have issues which ended up with a difficult birth, she was very scared and wanted me to be with her as well has the father. We both supported each other and my daughter as the birth was quite traumatic .
It is really what you want that's important and if you want both there that's up to you nobody else. Good luck 😊

Freeme31 · 21/12/2022 14:11

Bit strange - its personal to you & your husband (3 people in the marriage !). Your poor MIL (did she also get an invite?) or just ignore her cos she is not YOUR mum and doesn't count. Was your mum also there when baby was being made ? Very Odd! I would never intrude on my daughter & SIL most personal time in their lives !

milawops · 21/12/2022 14:15

toomuchlaundry · 21/12/2022 13:38

Its such a shame I didn’t have DH filming the consultant doing his James Herriot impression with his arm up my fanjo having to pull out my placenta as it refused to come out naturally. What a lovely moment that was!

Wonder how many mums end up with a video of them doing a poo mid labour!

Problem when videoing something you are slightly removed emotionally from what is happening.

Sounds like mine. With the added bonus of it not coming out and me telling him if he didn't stop messing about, get his hand out of me and find another way I was going to break his fingers 😂

quietnightmare · 21/12/2022 14:22

Personal choice. But for me I find it strange having your mum there when your partner can be present. Not strange because I would feel embarrassed or anything like that but because I'm a grown woman who doesn't need her mum to hold her hand. My mother sure as hell wasn't there when I was making the baby I don't need her there for the birth. It's personal and wonderful experience that I feel I would only want to share with my husband/partner. But at the end of the day it's your choice and do what you and your partner feels most comfortable with

BobbleWobble1 · 21/12/2022 15:37

DH only for me. No way would I have my mum there. I know it's personal choice but definitely not for me.

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