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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband and mum as birth partners?

169 replies

Ambn1 · 18/12/2022 07:43

I’m pregnant with our first baby and it’s been a long wait to get here after IVF.

After seeing the midwife and talking about options for giving birth I’ve been thinking about whether to just have my husband or whether to have my mum as well as a birth partner.

Pros:

  • My mum is lovely and has been really supportive through all of our treatment.
  • I know I would find her comforting if I was upset.
  • She has been there for nieces and nephews births and I think it would be nice for her to be such a big part of baby’s life.

But…

  • I’m worried that it might feel a bit embarrassing! I don’t mind my husband seeing me with no dignity 😂but worry I might feel it more with my mum (she would be lovely but it’s just me as I’m self conscious!)
  • I don’t want my husband to feel pushed out in any way. He says he is happy for either option!

Has anyone got any experience or advice or are going through a similar thought process?

OP posts:
anotherscroller · 21/12/2022 20:13

BeanieTeen · 18/12/2022 19:54

From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like you particularly feel you need her there, you could happily manage without. In which case I’d lean towards a no. Is this more to please her? Her being there through your pregnancy and attending nieces and nephews births kind of sounds like you feel you should have her there rather than you really want her there. If you’re stance is your happy to take or leave it, I’d leave it.

This

hollyjolls · 21/12/2022 20:17

Personally I wouldn't even consider having my mother at the birth. It was a special moment for me and DP and I would find having my mother their quite odd and invasive (we do get on and have a good relationship). DP was great though, very supportive and we done some online courses in which he actually took in more information than me so knew exactly what was happening. Are you worried your partner won't be very supportive?

Bideshi · 21/12/2022 20:27

Present at the birth of two of my grandchildren. My SIL is a fainter so DD asked me to be present to reassure him and prop him up. With Baby No 1 clueless junior doctor said she had hours to go as she wasn't fully dilated. In fact I knew she was already pushing and the baby was nearly crowning. I've had 4. I told him she was about to give birth and ten minutes later she did. Junior doctor was a bit sheepish and actually quite grateful which was nice. Sometimes it's good to have an advocate.
SIL did rather go to pieces. My job was to tell him things were absolutely normal, which they were. Not all men cope well. Childbirth can be raw and shocking. But it's a decision that's pretty personal and each to their own.

Baby no 2 was born at home. I took him while DD had a shower and then cooked her pasta. I'm not any more invested in the lives of these two GC than in the lives of the 2 that I didn't see until they were a few days old.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/12/2022 20:40

I always think it's really weird to have your mum with you when you give birth. To me it's something for you and your partner, not your mum.

firsttimelondonmummy · 21/12/2022 20:48

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn It’s funny how everyone is so different as I can’t imagine anything worse than not having my mum there. She’s my absolute rock and has been my whole life!
I can’t wait to share that moment with her like she did her mum.
Also as @Bideshi mentioned in her case it never hurts to have someone experienced to guide you through.
It’s mine and DP’s first and he won’t have a clue what’s going on 🤣 and I’m sure we will both be very grateful that I will hopefully have an experienced hand to hold.

ancientgran · 21/12/2022 20:50

BeanieTeen · 21/12/2022 19:54

I just think it’s so amazing and I would like to think that no matter what orifices leak if I give birth to a healthy baby boy (all being well) I’ll be so bloody proud my dignity will be so far in my peripheral thoughts it won’t even cross my mind.

Oh absolutely, I cannot argue with that @firsttimelondonmummy
But I do think it’s worth noting that not everyone feels that way, and not due to a lack of pride or amazement or because they don’t have a close relationship with their mum. It’s just personal preferences. So saying you can’t understand why someone could feel uncomfortable or undignified, when anticipating feeling a bit awkward about potentially shitting yourself in front of someone is a perfectly normal thing to feel, and suggesting that people don’t have a close bond with their mum because of that seems a bit unfair.

Yes, there isn't a "right way" to feel about any of it.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 21/12/2022 20:51

Giving birth is such a natural and amazing act and anyone with half a brain knows how hard it is and that they aren’t sunshine and roses to watch.

So is doing a massive shit but doesn’t mean I’d want an audience!

WitchWithoutChips · 21/12/2022 20:58

I only know a few people who wanted their mums at their births, and in all of the cases it was because they didn’t really feel confident in their partner’s ability to support and advocate for them in birth.

toomuchlaundry · 21/12/2022 21:02

How involved will your DM be once you have given birth @firsttimelondonmummy?

I remember watching an episode of OBEM and a woman had her parter and mum there. The woman, after a few hours of labour, needed to have a c-section. Only one person could go with her, so the partner and mum were left to make that decision, and the mum told the partner she was going to be the one going with her daughter and the partner had no choice. I thought that was terrible. What would happen if you were in that situation @firsttimelondonmummy?

ancientgran · 21/12/2022 21:04

firsttimelondonmummy · 21/12/2022 19:30

@ancientgran look it’s perfectly fine to disagree, you are getting very pressed about this.
My cousin had significant issues during labour she doesn’t think she would have stayed as calm as she did without her mum and that the outcome could have been awful had her mum not helped her through it so maybe ask for some context rather than assume 😉

I think your comments, like using the word weird about other people's views does not show you respecting other people's views. Similarly the comments about it all being natural, maybe if you need an EMCS or forceps you will realise that things aren't always the way you think they will be.

Despite your belief that "anyone with half a brain knows how hard it is" I can tell you I found the birth of my first child painless and easy and in fact orgasmic and I wouldn't have wanted my mum watching that. I wouldn't have wanted her there for the one that ended up with EMCS, it was traumatic enough for my husband when they grabbed the bed and ran without allowing him to even speak to me. The forceps were a bit gruesome and to be frank I think having had all those experiences doesn't mean I know anything about what it is like to watch it happening to someone you love.

firsttimelondonmummy · 21/12/2022 21:37

@toomuchlaundry i’m very fortunate my mum is actually so amazing that she will be leaving her job when our DS is born (all being well).
My career is extremely important to me as is my partners and so my mum will become our nanny when it is time for us to return to work 😊
If she does feel at any point she wants to step out of this role my partner will go part time.

Also my mum is amazing and incredibly selfless so I know if it came down to the choice she would of course push my DP in over herself but hopefully that doesn’t happen as I’d be lost without her.
She’s been an amazing support to me and DP already in this incredible but surprising journey we are on.
DP definitely sees her as a mum to him too.

firsttimelondonmummy · 21/12/2022 21:40

@WitchWithoutChips that’s definitely not the case for us.
Couldn’t wish for a better partner in life.
He’s never given birth however and he’s not my mum and I’d like an experienced person that knows me in the room should anything go wrong or should I work myself up.
I’ve got an incredibly special bond with my mum as the rest of my cousins do with theirs.
All of the mums have been at the births of all of the babies in our families so far and all of my cousins are still happily married to their husbands and have fantastic relationships ☺️

firsttimelondonmummy · 21/12/2022 21:48

@ancientgran giving birth is a natural act even if they have to medically intercept giving birth has been around since the beginning of human kind.
It’s never been a pretty process but it’s a damn amazing one.

There are always exceptions to the rule (I can honestly say I don’t know anyone else who had an orgasmic labour but that’s amazing for you,
one can only wish on a shooting star for that!)
Also I’m sorry you went through such trauma with your second.
The risk of things not going to plan is exactly why I want my mum there! Shes such a calming force in stressful situations and god forbid if anything did happen she would be able to keep me & my partner cool and calm.

toomuchlaundry · 21/12/2022 22:08

@firsttimelondonmummy do you and your partner have other family? Are there other grandparents? Is your DM financially secure?

JustCakeInDrag · 21/12/2022 22:15

WitchWithoutChips · 21/12/2022 20:58

I only know a few people who wanted their mums at their births, and in all of the cases it was because they didn’t really feel confident in their partner’s ability to support and advocate for them in birth.

Same, thinking about it. Interesting.

firsttimelondonmummy · 21/12/2022 22:21

@toomuchlaundry yes we are very lucky.
My parents came from nothing but worked hard and did very well for themselves and so have a nice nest egg hence my mum making that decision with my dads support.
They are very excited about hopefully becoming first time grand parents.
It was mums suggestion and she asked both me and my partner if we would like that/ be ok with it.
We’ve told his parents and they think it’s great we can have this support.
We have very large amazing families who are all very excited for us and we look forward to welcoming him into both sides (all being well) x

NerrSnerr · 21/12/2022 23:31

Do what you and your partner want to do OP, not just to please your mum because she went to other births.

Personally I couldn't think of anything worse. My mum would 100% make it all about her.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 01:23

WitchWithoutChips · 21/12/2022 20:58

I only know a few people who wanted their mums at their births, and in all of the cases it was because they didn’t really feel confident in their partner’s ability to support and advocate for them in birth.

That is 100% not the case for me at all.

maggiebun · 22/12/2022 08:10

Again, too many people judging others on here. OP only asked a question and a few of you have gone in at other mums, you should be ashamed of yourselves. We all have our personal opinions, there's no need for myself and others to be treated the way you have done with your responses because we want our mum's there!!! BIRTH IS AN INDIVIDUAL CHOICE
@Ambn1 Don't feel pressured by anyone's personal opinion, do what is right for you and your DH. If you want your mum there then go for it, if you both decide you don't then don't! Not one single person (apart from the people on here) have found it strange that I want my mum there, nor does my husband

WitchWithoutChips · 22/12/2022 09:26

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 01:23

That is 100% not the case for me at all.

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OK 🤷🏻‍♀️

jamoncrumpets · 22/12/2022 10:13

Bit out there because my mum actually died before I had kids, but even though she and I were very close I wouldn't have had her there. Those very intimate moments were for me and my husband. She would've been there like a shot afterwards though, bringing me hot chocolate, holding the baby while I had a wee and filling my freezers with curries and lasagnes.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 10:17

WitchWithoutChips · 22/12/2022 09:26

OK 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Well I thought I would ensure that the views you held were not correct in every case.

WitchWithoutChips · 22/12/2022 10:28

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 10:17

Well I thought I would ensure that the views you held were not correct in every case.

Show quote history

Then you'll need to track down the people who told me that this was the reason for their choice of birth partners and let them know. I have no opinion or view on your choices and I wish you well. I'm sorry if I've touched a nerve.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2022 10:40

WitchWithoutChips · 22/12/2022 10:28

Then you'll need to track down the people who told me that this was the reason for their choice of birth partners and let them know. I have no opinion or view on your choices and I wish you well. I'm sorry if I've touched a nerve.

Show quote history

Your post was like a statement for all. You've not touched a nerve in the slightest don't worry yourself

hollyjolls · 22/12/2022 11:07

WitchWithoutChips · 21/12/2022 20:58

I only know a few people who wanted their mums at their births, and in all of the cases it was because they didn’t really feel confident in their partner’s ability to support and advocate for them in birth.

Yes this is the same experience I have. Met quite a lot of mums on maternity leave and the ones who had their mum at the birth are all the ones who complain how useless and hands off their partners are.