Husband and mum as birth partners?

[Ambn1]

I’m pregnant with our first baby and it’s been a long wait to get here after IVF.

After seeing the midwife and talking about options for giving birth I’ve been thinking about whether to just have my husband or whether to have my mum as well as a birth partner.

Pros:

• My mum is lovely and has been really supportive through all of our treatment.
• I know I would find her comforting if I was upset.
• She has been there for nieces and nephews births and I think it would be nice for her to be such a big part of baby’s life.

But…

• I’m worried that it might feel a bit embarrassing! I don’t mind my husband seeing me with no dignity 😂but worry I might feel it more with my mum (she would be lovely but it’s just me as I’m self conscious!)
• I don’t want my husband to feel pushed out in any way. He says he is happy for either option!

Has anyone got any experience or advice or are going through a similar thought process?

@AllThingsServeTheBeam
You personally referred to me originally not the other way around. We are all different it really is that simple

Not in a patronising bulling manor I didn't.

@AllThingsServeTheBeam
Of course 😉

At least we agree now 👍

@AllThingsServeTheBeam
Glad you've calmed down now, bless you

Never been anything other than calm my love.

@AllThingsServeTheBeam
Bless you

I didn't sneeze

@AllThingsServeTheBeam 😉

Personally I think just the partner should be there. My birth was traumatic but it was an incredibly bonding experience with my husband. I couldn’t have imagined my mother being in the midst of it. I wasn’t able to do much after the birth for a few weeks. Coincidently my mum was also sick with a bad cold and couldn’t come to the house for a week. My husband had to do everything apart from breastfeed and I really think it helped him bond with out firstborn. To this day he is a very involved hands on dad.

I had my mum there both times. It felt right to me, I mean she gave birth to me! My 2 DS have different dads. 1st time round ex DP was useless, mum was great. 2nd time, current DP was great, mum took a back seat as she wasn't 'needed' as much. I think your mum can be a good advocate for you, especially if DP is getting stressed / worried, which often happens.

It’s interesting to see pp repeatedly referring to personal choice. There are several midwives and an obstetrician in my family so this is the kind of thing that comes up at the dinner table and after the awful restrictions of Covid there is a lot of interest in cultural norms around birth partner choices. One of my sisters’ NHS trusts has recently done a survey on this. The biggest influence on whether you have your mother at your birth is whether your sisters / friends / cousins did. This is very unlikely to be the case if you and your friends are 30+ primagravidas, for example, but much more likely if you are under 25, or have Polish heritage, regardless of maternal age. Particular local norms will apply in barracks / oil rig towns, and people with disabilities will need specific support.

I can feel some of you warming up your thumbs to tell me angrily that this doesn’t apply on your individual case and of course there will be exceptions but this is a great example of an issue where there is really no point in arguing as everyone’s context and idea of ‘normal’ is very different.

I'm disabled and had my mum there. She has always been my pillar of support because of it

@Ambn1 not all first births are long. Mine was 3 hours once I got to hospital (I had 2 contractions 10 minutes apart then straight to about 1 minute apart) so quick rush to hospital, although wasn’t able to go to our local maternity hospital (original plan) and had to go to one further away (which was fun!). This was at 3am in the morning, so something else to consider when considering how your birth partners will get to the hospital.Contractions have an uncanny knack to start in the early hours of the morning

Yes, I did specifically mention birthing women with disabilities.

I was agreeing. That might be why I wanted her there. She's been there for everything else.

I'm super close to my mum but this felt like a very personal thing just for me and my husband, and it was special just being us three in the minutes after birth. I think two birth partners would also have been too much input for me and too much 'extra' going on.

My mum did come into hospital soon after with both to meet and that felt like the right way to do things for us. It meant DH could go home to sleep and she came in for company and to meet her new granddaughter both times (and she brought DD1 the second time)

For my first i had my mum, my grandmother and my husband. My mum and grandmother were much better at supporting me because they knew what i was going through.