Husband and mum as birth partners?

[Ambn1]

I’m pregnant with our first baby and it’s been a long wait to get here after IVF.

After seeing the midwife and talking about options for giving birth I’ve been thinking about whether to just have my husband or whether to have my mum as well as a birth partner.

Pros:

• My mum is lovely and has been really supportive through all of our treatment.
• I know I would find her comforting if I was upset.
• She has been there for nieces and nephews births and I think it would be nice for her to be such a big part of baby’s life.

But…

• I’m worried that it might feel a bit embarrassing! I don’t mind my husband seeing me with no dignity 😂but worry I might feel it more with my mum (she would be lovely but it’s just me as I’m self conscious!)
• I don’t want my husband to feel pushed out in any way. He says he is happy for either option!

Has anyone got any experience or advice or are going through a similar thought process?

Some weird comments on here.
You came out of your mums vagina, she’s also seen your naked body more times than she can count, I don’t think there’s anything awkward about her seeing you give birth.
I can’t imagine not having my mum there.
Men can’t comprehend what being in labour is like because they never do it.
I want someone close to me and experienced there who can guide me through.
Understand not everyone’s mums are biological and for me I’m only speaking as a child of my biological mum but given that she will 1000% be there all being well.

Yeah that's a really odd view. I take it you don't get on with your mum?

This honestly baffles me.
I don’t understand what on earth there is to possibly be embarrassed about.
Giving birth is such a natural and amazing act and anyone with half a brain knows how hard it is and that they aren’t sunshine and roses to watch.
I’d be in awe if I saw someone giving birth.
I certainly won’t be worrying about what other people think when I hopefully give birth in June.

What's being a grown up got to do with having some support off your mum? I didn't realise there was an age limit on my mum's support

I had my DH & my late MIL (better than a mum to me) for our first born, no regrets, wonderful experience. Good luck OP.

@firsttimelondonmummy come back to me in June. I was shouting "I'm pooing!" whilst my arse erupted like a volcano. Precipitous birth. In the middle of a ward with other women and their visitors.

I don't why anyone thinks it is odd. Throughout history it has been women only at births and only 40 or so years that men have been allowed. Most women probably had their mothers or other female elders there.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! It’s personal preference. Nobody can tell you what’s right.

The thought of having anyone other than my DP there is so weird. I’m really close to my mum, but it’s such a special time for a couple, I find it strange to imagine involving someone else.

Others will think it’s totally normal and lovely to have their mums there. Do what suits you AND takes into account your partner’s feelings

You came out of your mums vagina, she’s also seen your naked body more times than she can count, I don’t think there’s anything awkward about her seeing you give birth.

So many comments saying this as though a c-section isn’t a thing. My mum has no idea what it’s like to push a baby out of her vagina.
And just because someone has given birth doesn’t mean they’re in a position to ‘guide you through’ it. I’ve given birth a few times, that doesn’t mean I’d be any good supporting someone else’s birth. My DH would probably be of more help to someone than me having seen me do it, he seems to have a much clearer recollection of what went down - for me it’s all a bit of blur to be honest.
Maybe the best person to have at your birth could therefore be your dad… he’s also seen you naked before as a baby after all - no need to feel awkward 😄

@QueenLagertha even if I projectile pooped all over my partner I wouldn’t be embarrassed if I delivered a healthy baby.
Poop or no poop delivering a baby is an unbelievable feat.
Dignity already went out of the window early pregnancy with the constant farts, awful constipation cries, crusty pepperoni nips the list goes on 😂

You can't possibly imagine that some people might just feel differently to you?

I was very close to my mother and in many ways that was why I didn't want her to be there. She wouldn't have liked seeing me in pain and I didn't want to be worrying about how she feels.

I much preferred labouring alone, DH only ended up there as midwives kept pushing me to let him come. I wanted it to be quiet and dim lights and midwife just popping in every now and then to check things. My first birth was exactly what I wanted and it was brilliant, no one should be pushing or guilt tripping people into doing something they don't feel comfortable with.

It baffles me that adults struggle to understand that we are all different.

@BeanieTeen Mine did push me out of her vagina so I’m speaking from experience but even if she hadn’t I’d know this was something my dad or partner could never understand.
I’m as close to both parents but know only my mum can really empathise during labour for me.
My cousin said she couldn’t have done it without her mum and I feel that’s how I would feel also so it wasn’t even a discussion that she would be there for me.

Really? What would you cousin have done if her mum couldn't have been there? Crossed her legs, crossed her fingers? Of course she could have done it. You don't have a lot of choice once things start.

@ancientgran
It is perfectly acceptable to not agree 😂
I’ve not once said it’s unacceptable to feel any other way just that I personally don’t understand it.
I honestly don’t understand how something so natural and amazing can make someone feel undignified.

Maybe your imagination will improve with age.

Just had second baby last week.

• you won’t care about who sees your private parts by the end of your pregnancy let alone during labour so wouldn’t worry about that
• but for me it felt right that it was just my husband and I as it was our child and felt like a really personal experience - starting our family with DD1 and then growing our family with dD2

but my mum is here now being an absolute godsend with everything - helping with house stuff and occupying our toddler. And yes she has seen my boobs non stop.

@ancientgran look it’s perfectly fine to disagree, you are getting very pressed about this.
My cousin had significant issues during labour she doesn’t think she would have stayed as calm as she did without her mum and that the outcome could have been awful had her mum not helped her through it so maybe ask for some context rather than assume 😉

Looking back I really wish my mum had been with me in my first (and only - the rest were elective sections) labour. Ex-H wasn't keen though.

@ancientgran maybe with age you’ll learn it’s ok to disagree and that the ability to have a healthy debate and respect others opinion even if you don’t agree with them is a sign of intelligence.

I don’t understand what on earth there is to possibly be embarrassed about.

I had the most horrific diarrhoea when I went in to labour, accompanied by tremendously loud farts. I can’t say I was embarrassed at the time - you lose all dignity and don’t care. I also have a vague memory of chucking a soaked and slightly bloody maternity pad and pants across the room - don’t ask me why. You’re sense of dignity does return to you after giving birth and then looking back you are glad to have kept the audience small. Midwife announcing she’s going to stick her finger up your arse to check for tears needn’t be embarrassing either, but again, I personally prefer keeping witnesses to these beautiful birth events to a minimum @firsttimelondonmummy

@BeanieTeen I totally understand not wanting anyone else I know that’s personal and everyone’s relationship with their parents or babies dads are so different.
What I didn’t understand was feeling undignified birthing a child or your mum seeing it because you feel it’s undignified (if you do have a great close relationship as was mentioned earlier).

Also the chucking random things around the room definitely sounds like something I will do 🤣
I just think it’s so amazing and I would like to think that no matter what orifices leak if I give birth to a healthy baby boy (all being well) I’ll be so bloody proud my dignity will be so far in my peripheral thoughts it won’t even cross my mind.

No way I would have had my mum there. I really did not need any support so Dh was just watching baby coming out. I could have done it alone but I had easy births.

I just think it’s so amazing and I would like to think that no matter what orifices leak if I give birth to a healthy baby boy (all being well) I’ll be so bloody proud my dignity will be so far in my peripheral thoughts it won’t even cross my mind.

Oh absolutely, I cannot argue with that @firsttimelondonmummy
But I do think it’s worth noting that not everyone feels that way, and not due to a lack of pride or amazement or because they don’t have a close relationship with their mum. It’s just personal preferences. So saying you can’t understand why someone could feel uncomfortable or undignified, when anticipating feeling a bit awkward about potentially shitting yourself in front of someone is a perfectly normal thing to feel, and suggesting that people don’t have a close bond with their mum because of that seems a bit unfair.

@BeanieTeen I think you misinterpreted my mum comment? I meant I don’t understand if you are close to your mum how you could find it embarrassing (if she’s your birth mum/ mum from a baby she’s definitely seen it all before) but understand mum circumstances differ (adoption, mums in jail etc).
Not saying in any way you don’t have a close bond with your mum if you feel that way just I personally don’t get the embarrassment with someone who in most cases has seen worse than your partner.

Each to their own. I am very very close to my beloved mum but I didn’t want her at my children’s births. I honestly can’t think of a single person in my social circle who has had their mother at their birth. I’ve only heard of much younger acquaintances having their mums there. The moment of becoming parents was absolutely private to DH and me (HCPs notwithstanding!).