Infidelity - Found a condom under the bed

[Pippa0321]

I’m 2 months pregnant, we tried for a year and when we found out we were extremely happy. (we’ve been happily together for 6 years). However today I was cleaning and I found a condom wrap under the bed. I confronted him and he admitted he cheated with a random girl a year ago. He was out partying and met a girl, went back to her place and got with her, he thinks the condom wrap was in his pocket and may have fell out when he got changed back home. I don’t know what to do I’m shocked. I would have never ever expected that from him. He has been such a good boyfriend, so loving and so in love with me for all these years. I thought 100% he was the type he’d never cheat. Any advice? Should I leave him and keep the baby? Leave him and get an abortion? Or stay with him and keep the baby despite everything? Thanks x

Jesus set your bar higher - don't even think about forgiving this. It's disgusting!
Of course you can meet someone else. Why do you want to settle for this level of disrespect...if you forgive him that easily you are telling him he can get away with it.

He's cheated on you multiple times! And only what you know of, and the lies!
He's vile.

If you have a girl, would you want a man to treat your daughter this way? Would you want her to forgive and forget?

Do yourself a favour and ditch him.
If you decide to have the baby then good luck but it doesn't mean you have to settle for this awful treatment.
He will lie again. He will cheat again and you will wish you had got shot the first time.

Statistically yes but only because the system is all wrong. All contact should start at 50/50 and negotiated from that.

You know it's a punishment, if it was the norm you wouldn't have needed to say it. Don't forget this poor child is in the middle of this mess (yes caused by him)

Please don't buy into the myth that women have a sell-by days of 30 y.o. It is absolutely possible that you can have a healthy loving relationship later. I met my current partner at 35 yo (he's 11 years younger than me) and I'm so much happier than I was with my previous boyfriends and I'm so glad I didn't stay in the crappy relationships I was in before. Now, after two years we are expecting our first baby! My sister also found her current partner at age 36. Even if you stay single for few years, you will still be much better off than in a bad relationship with a man who treats you so bad. Please don't settle for that just because you think it is your last chance to be in a relationship or have a family. It isn't.

Only you can decide what you want to do, but just bare in mind that if he's cheated once he will do it again.
Every time he leaves the house, are you going to be left wondering where he is or what he's up to!... it's no life.
Hope you can figure it out

You are so right

@mermeration

You know it's a punishment, if it was the norm you wouldn't have needed to say it.

It's not a punishment. You can think I'm lying about that but I'm not.

Can you explain why the baby should be given the dad's name rather than the mum's name, even if they share 50/50? What makes the dad's name more important than the mum's?

I haven't said not to include him on the birth certificate, I haven't said to try and stop him having a relationship with the child. Those things would be 'punishing' him. I haven't said to punish him in any way.

Kids do take their dads name usually if it was agreed before it would be dads name why not change it to mums? A punishment? why couldn't they double barrel ?

What he has done is properly shocking stuff. The betrayal of you; paying sex workers who could be trafficked or controlled; years of lying. Worst: he put your health and the health of his unborn child at risk by exposing both of you to potential STD transmission.

It is unforgivable.

You say you had a happy relationship, but you did not. You were being lied to and betrayed. You now need STD screening.

Kick him out immediately. Tell anyone you like exactly why - you need support. You can worry about the consequences later (your fears about finding someone better are misplaced!). But dumping him is the best and only solution.

Your decision on the baby can then be taken independently of him.

I'm so sorry he did this to you, OP.

@mermeration

Kids do take their dads name usually if it was agreed before it would be dads name why not change it to mums? A punishment? why couldn't they double barrel ?

I'm not sure why you seem so angry about this.

Firstly you don't know what they agreed.

Secondly kids actually traditionally take their mothers current last name, for example in hospital they are given a wristband with 'baby (mums surname)' on. The reason most children are then given their dads name when officially named is because more often than not until recent years parents have shared a surname due to being married before little one arrives.

Thirdly something being the norm doesn't make it sensible or correct.

Fourthly all original parenting plans need to now change to co-parenting plans as they are very likely to not be in a romantic relationship beforehand.

Fifthly I never said they 'couldn't' double barrel. OP can do whatever she wants including double barrelling the name. If she feels that's a healthy compromise then of course that's an option.

And finally, it's not a punishment. It's an important decision and 'because other people do it' doesn't seem a robust reason to do something to me.

I'm not annoyed I just can't believe you're throwing this at her to think about now. Baby naming isn't the issue her but you've defaulted to it? It stinks of bitterness. You want her to hurt him because he hurt her. She doesn't need to be bitter she needs to better. Better than him and his lying cheating ways and better than being so drawn into bitterness to make decisions she may or may not regret

@mermeration

Are you actually OK?

My posts have been calm and measured, you sound bizarrely angry with me.

I don't 'want to hurt him' because I don't know him. You can keep repeating that I'm suggesting things to hurt or punish him but I'm not and have reiterated that.

The baby name was one short bit of a post I wrote to OP. You've made it take up loads of posts on the thread by continuing to go on about it and accuse me of lying about my motivation for it. Really odd behaviour.

Chill out.

OP, sorry the discussion got derailed so probably shouldn't have bothered responding to someone accusing me of toxic advice / wanting to punish him / being bitter etc!

I really sympathise with you as per my previous posts and believe you can end the relationship and focus on co-parenting arrangements as he is not a suitable partner due to his behaviour, which is indicative of someone who fundamentally doesn't respect women.

Please do get an STI test for the sake of your little one as well as you.

Hope you're doing OK and have confided in some real life friends / family to get the support you deserve.

Strange how people always go for the passive aggressive approach, suggesting I'm not okay because I think you're giving bad and unhelpful advice on a matter she hasn't even asked for advice on is strange. Has someone hurt you @monsteramunch ? Please please do not push it onto someone else's situation.

OP I'm sorry this has derailed and you've had things thrown into the mix which hadn't even crossed your mind. You do not need to think about this yet, you have months.

Definitely leave him but concentrate on avoiding all of this unnecessary thinking and stress for now until your head space is totally ready for making decisions which are right for you.

Agree with most of this but why will she be primary carer? He's done her wrong yes but there's nothing to say he won't be the best dad in the world.
😂😂😂
yeah, men who use prostitutes, not caring if the women have been coerced, trafficked or abused, make GREAT DADS!
Such a marvellous role model for boys, such a source of empowerment for girls eh @mermeration ..?

Using the baby to punish him by not giving his name and not allowing him shared care is toxic advice.
Shagging around on your partner with probably abused/coerced/trafficked women IS TOXIC.

What makes you think he deserves to have the baby take his name?
What makes you think OP giving her own baby her own name is a "punishment"? Men don't get an automatic right to name their children solely with their own surname.

This dickwad is going to be too busy chasing prostitutes to want to have much contact with his child anyway. All those evenings & weekends when he could be paying a woman for sex are going to be far too precious to him to sacrifice to childcare.

You know it's a punishment, if it was the norm you wouldn't have needed to say it. Don't forget this poor child is in the middle of this mess (yes caused by him)

The child is not born yet & won't give a shit about whose surname it has when it arrives. Your argument is laughably transparent - what is there about a simple choice of surname for the kid to "get in the middle" of?

@monsteramunch hasn't written a single passive-aggressive word on this thread @mermeration

Do you think you could stop making OP's thread all about you?
It's not helping her, & it's gone beyond tiresome.
Cheers.

@KettrickenSmiled

Funny they said I was passive aggressive for saying 'are you actually OK?' then followed it up with asking me 'has someone hurt you?' and labelling me bitter repeatedly. Bizarre merailing and I should probably have ignored it.

Hopefully now OP can filter out the irrelevant hyperfocus on one point and take on board the useful advice people have shared. And I hope she has some support in real life as this must have turned her world upside down.

once a punter always a punter
run

100% wouldn't forgive this. So sorry, you deserve better. x

@KettrickenSmiled How has anyone made it all about them? It absolutely was passive aggressive. @monsteramunch is giving awful advice

Thank you. I think the "world owes me something" brigade has been trolling me and I've been lured in!

OP needs lots of love and support. Not people suggesting she uses the baby as punishment. They can still discuss whose name baby should have and then she can make a decision. And she may give it her name. She may even not name the low life as dad but that's her call.. she also didn't ask anything about naming the baby but of course people felt the need to bring it up

OP I can imagine the shock you're feeling right now. you will meet someone who will treat you better so please don't let that be the reason you stay.

Space and time are honestly great healers and you would never fully trust him again anyway. If he cheats when you have a good sex life what about when you are tired / have less time for it with a young baby

Don't settle for this low life just because you're 29. You've got plenty of time to meet somebody decent.
I met DH at 34, married at 36 and had DD on my 38th birthday.
Using hookers is not normal in a loving committed marriage.

Absolutely this! She is so young!

I also don't think it's normal using them anytime but each to their own!

Hi OP . I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Please listen to me. 16 years ago I discovered my partner of fourteen years had been with prostitutes. I was 51. Guess what? We stayed together because my self esteem was rock bottom and I couldn't face being alone. I have had the most miserable time with him since. I don't trust him. I don't even like him. I've wasted my life on a piece of shit because he's made me feel like shit. Don't you do this. Get rid of him. He won't change believe me. You're setting yourself up to be knocked down. You are only 29, that's nothing! I understand that you're shocked and you're trying to tell yourself everything will be OK, but honestly it won't be. TBH I wouldn't have the baby because it will link you to him for a long time and he'll try to worm his way back. He knows you well. If you have the baby you are going to have to be very strong and keep him out of your life. You're going to need therapy with this. Please just kick him out. Anyone who brings prostitutes into your home and bed is a serious abuser of women.Get an STD test - you're pregnant! You don't need a man like that near you or your child. Just say you have a daughter? I can't bear the thought. But please hear me xx

Sorry you are going thru this especially because you are pregnant xxx
He will not stop doing this because he has no self control and he wants to cheat ..
He does not respect you

Please get tested if you havent already because this happened to me when i was pregnant..

I might be thinking too deeply about this but the prostitute story is not adding up for me..
Prostitutes dont typically go to their customers houses because of safety reasons,
i might be wrong but he could be saying "prostitues" to make it seem impersonal

He could be sleeping with someone that he doesnt want you to know about, maybe somebody that you know like a neighbor or a friend
Or maybe he is having an ongoing affair
Prostitutes sound like a cover story to me