Infidelity - Found a condom under the bed

[Pippa0321]

I’m 2 months pregnant, we tried for a year and when we found out we were extremely happy. (we’ve been happily together for 6 years). However today I was cleaning and I found a condom wrap under the bed. I confronted him and he admitted he cheated with a random girl a year ago. He was out partying and met a girl, went back to her place and got with her, he thinks the condom wrap was in his pocket and may have fell out when he got changed back home. I don’t know what to do I’m shocked. I would have never ever expected that from him. He has been such a good boyfriend, so loving and so in love with me for all these years. I thought 100% he was the type he’d never cheat. Any advice? Should I leave him and keep the baby? Leave him and get an abortion? Or stay with him and keep the baby despite everything? Thanks x

It's complete rubbish. If he had sex outside the house, the wrapper would stay outside the house. Not under you guys' bed!!! What is the expiry date on the condom please, I'm ever so curious about this predicament!

Applause for every word of this!!!

Don't let sentiment botch the next 60 years of your life, and tie you to an unfaithful liar, OP. There presently is no baby, and you can free yourself of this situation and on to better things.

Do you not have any self esteem or respect

end it

have The baby or not. Your call

have him involved or not your call

do not play happy families

trust is gone

You clean under your bed once a year ???????

Surely if he was as blind drunk as he claims then he'd not been able to get it up and therefore not even need a condom??

He knew exactly where he was and who he was screwing and how they both got there.

Likely to not have been the first time if he's brave/stupid enough to bring her home to your bed.

Likely to be someone you know, given how deliberately vague he's being.

Finally, someone who understands priorities.

who gives a shit when he used the condom...he is a cheat and thats all you need to realise now

What is the point of your message? Is it helpful to the poster who is likely going through a very tough time? Did she asked to be judged? Have some sympathy and respect and take your stupid comments elsewhere.

I so totally agree with you! I know it's doom and gloom stuff, but it's fact. The world is f####d and we have no business bringing kids into the unfolding nightmare.

He only 'told' you because he got caught.

Unless anyone here has actually had an abortion, you might be underestimating how difficult it is for some people
It was for me, it wasnt just a procedure and i still think about it almost 15 years later
I have to have pep talks with myself that i did the right thing because i wasnt ready to be a parent but i will admit i regret it
And it haunts me

Some people have abortions and are happy to go on with their lives
But some people, like me, react badly and it can cause mental health problems

This baby that OP is carrying was wanted, she believed her partner wanted this child and that their relationship was OK until this bomb shell

So its up to her what she wants to do but having this baby could be a positive experience in her life and she doesnt have to have an abortion all because her partner is a cheat

I have said this before - Mumsnet is RABIDLY pro-abortion. I’m not even anti-abortion myself, I just think that it’s unhelpful to police language around abortion to ensure that posters don’t view abortion negatively and are able to make the decision more flippantly.

I also think that it is hypocritical that it is absolutely forbidden for anyone to use strong language which isn’t pro-abortion on Mumsnet. And yet people who ARE pro-abortion can use all the strong and emotive language they like, calling anyone who disagrees with them ‘forced-birthers’ for example. It’s crazy.

I also don’t think that having an abortion in situations like this should be encouraged so casually. I’m VERY conscious of the regret and pain people can suffer from having an abortion and regretting it. I think if the decision is made too lightly or for the wrong reasons then it could be a lifetime regret. It’s not immoral or harsh to gently point this out to encourage the OP to really think it through before making her decision. She tried for this baby for a year.

On another thread I am on, posters were practically bullying the OP into having an abortion because of her MH issues, the same MH issues as I also suffer from. They were telling her she’s really out of order if she doesn’t abort (she wanted the baby) because she has MH issues and some other issues which are very common to some issues that we too faced as a family. I popped up to say that actually no, having MH issues doesn’t always mean that you’ll struggle massively as a mum. I love being a mum. And that while things can sometimes be tough, I’m grateful everyday that I didn’t abort - the good outweighs the bad 100%.

But the thread went berserk telling me I’m lying and I’m just massively anti-abortion. It annoyed someone SO MUCH that I didn’t join the crowd trying to force OP into an abortion that she literally followed me over to this thread to ‘warn’ OP about me. (Thanks random stranger, I enjoyed that. It made me laugh.)

I find it funny how if anyone advises the OP to think twice about aborting (even a much longed for baby) they’re insulted and called names and made out to be ‘anti-choice’. It’s funny, because to me being ‘anti-choice’ would be refusing to let OP hear different opinions in order to make their choice. But that’s what the very pro-abortion people want. ‘I’m pro-choice, but I don’t want anyone to make a choice that I don’t agree with, and if anyone has a different opinion to me, they have to shut up in case they accidentally influence the OP into making a choice that I don’t like.’

I don’t even think it’s at all appropriate for this thread to be turned into a debate about abortion as this is someone’s life. She is asking for advice, not for people to start fighting and name calling. I hesitated about posting this but I decided to reply as it’s already gone beyond the point of that.

Let OP hear different opinions - if you value people being allowed to make a proper choice - and respect that people won’t always agree with you. Sometimes the choices people make in life aren’t the choices you would make, or which you want them to make. That’s all a part of their having a choice! Try to be okay with that, and try to do it without name-calling and uncalled for aggression. Let’s not behave like children.

This happened recently and in your bed. Sorry OP.

I agree with you 110% - it haunts me also 15 years later.

It can mess with your head for years and years, even if at the time of the abortion you know it is the right thing to do. It is so so difficult and I don’t believe in advising on it because it is SUCH a personal choice and not one anyone else can make judgement on for what is right for someone else (especially when you don’t know them personally) but from personal experience I would always say not to have one if you have a single ounce of doubt in your head. The mental games after are no fun.

Unless anyone here has actually had an abortion, you might be underestimating how difficult it is for some people

statistically, and based on personal experience, I would presume that a high proportion of posters here have had an abortion. They are very, very common.

@Spookypig
On another thread I am on, posters were practically bullying the OP into having an abortion because of her MH issues, the same MH issues as I also suffer from. They were telling her she’s really out of order if she doesn’t abort (she wanted the baby) because she has MH issues and some other issues which are very common to some issues that we too faced as a family. I popped up to say that actually no, having MH issues doesn’t always mean that you’ll struggle massively as a mum. I love being a mum. And that while things can sometimes be tough, I’m grateful everyday that I didn’t abort - the good outweighs the bad 100%.

That'll be the thread where the op has suffered appalling pnd among other mental illnesses since having her first child, got ptsd from pregnancy and birth, hasn't worked for years as a result, can't cope with their one existing child, they are in desperate poverty, her husband doesn't believe anyone in the family can cope financially or emotionally without another child.

Yes. I remember your posts there

What a massively disingenuous way to misrepresent it here.

You found this now for a reason; so you can take the opportunity to get away from this piece of shit. It doesn't matter if you keep the baby or not you need to weigh up if you want to be a single mother. This is your chance, you've seen who you're he really is. Take it with both hands and run!

Am I the only one who is confused about how you can tell when a condom was bought/used by the expiry date?

They last for years and could've been sitting around in a shop, stockroom, bedside drawers for years & years before they're actually used

I'm sure I've got some in a drawer from years ago that haven't expired. I could use one next week and my DP would assume I'd used it years ago as they were made in a factory years ago?!

I suppose it would give you a rough idea that's all- if it had expired before the date the sex was supposed to have taken place or the date was further in the future than they are sold.

That would be if you suspected a discrepancy of years though, as in the OP, rather than wondering whether the bunk-up was last weekend or the week before.

I'm afraid I'd book in for a termination asap and I would dump this man by the end of today. He's a lying cheat who is gaslighting you. You really don't need someone like that in your life for the next 18 years.

‘What a massively disingenuous way to misrepresent it here.’

I could say the same about you. I’m sat here with the original post open to quote you from because you have used such dramatic and emotive language to prove your point and it’s just misleading. ‘Desperate poverty’? OP said she was struggling due to, and I quote, the cost of living crisis, rising bills and stuff. Which most people are.

OP never said she can’t cope with her existing child! What an appalling thing to say. She said her child has sensory issues and autistic traits. You have put those words in her mouth and as a parent of a child with similar issues, that’s bloody offensive and ignorant. Having a child with issues like this does not mean that a parent can’t cope with their child?

Yes, OP had PND and has anxiety and depression - same. I went on the post to give OP my experience - that with my second I was surprised to find that I didn’t get PND symptoms at all because I felt I had ‘done it all before’ and actually found myself thriving, and that my MH was not negatively affected by the birth of my second even though we too had serious worries that it would be. Why can’t a poster share their own experience to provide a different point of view? My situation was very similar to hers so it was very relevant.

She didn’t say her husband didn’t think anyone could cope financially or emotionally with another child. She said it would be difficult, but that they are planning on trying to have another child again in a few years!

So you’re really making it out to be much different than it was for dramatic effect. Surprise surprise. Aren’t you the poster who literally stalked me onto another thread because I dared to disagree with you? 😂 I don’t remember you from the thread because I actually don’t mind if people disagree with me, or give different opinions to me, it doesn’t bother me enough to even register, let alone remember their username and criticise them on other threads. What odd behaviour. I mean it makes me feel kinda special that just by sharing my own experience I’ve made this much of an impact on you so … 😂

UPDATE

Hi all, I wanted to say that you were all right. He did cheat recently and in my bed! I realised the condom wrapper was still wet inside! (oily) and although I read online that it takes a veeeery long time to dry, I told him I had called the condom company and that they could assure me the condom was not used a year ago but more recently (it wasn't true). And guess what? He admitted to everything (or at least A LOT).

He said he has cheated multiple times and with prostitutes mainly. That wrapper I found under the bed was from a prostitute he called when I was away and she came to my house! (the neighbours could have seen her!) and he admitted to going to brothels around London, even on his own, at least eight times.

I'm obviously shocked. I don't know if my boyfriend has a problem or if this is "fairly" normal as I read many women have had this issue with their husbands (them going to brothels and having sex with prostitutes).

As for my pregnancy, I still don't know what to do but at the moment I'm pretty sure I'm going to keep the baby either way.
Any thoughts on the latest developments? What's your opinion on him going to brothels? Would you forgive something like that?

I have to clarify that our sex life is good, we both enjoy it and after six years we have a "normal" amount of sex, every week like any other couple, but good one.

He begged me not to leave him and promised he was going to change that we could go to couples therapy and that now that I know he wouldn't do it again. But to be honest, he has already done it again. If I didn't know he would probably do it when I'm away again. My gut tells me that in years' time this is going to happen again because he clearly likes to have sex with new people and he can't commit or is not willing to give that up for a relationship...

Also, I wanted to say THANK YOU so much everyone for your words - as you can't imagine I haven't told anyone yet as I'm not sure what to do (not even sure I know the WHOLE truth) so you are the only people giving me advice atm :)

He not only had sex with other women in your bed but he paid for them to be there. How you could forgive that I will never know. Sorry OP but his ass would be on the pavement by now if it was me. Good luck with the pregnancy but get rid of that cheating scumbag before he ruins your life and your childs life too.

He is not the man for you.

He was never going to tell you without you pushing him. Why on Earth would he want to sleep with prostitutes?

What if he's lied about that and it's not a prostitute but a cover up story?

Will you trust him again?

Put him out and have some time to think