Infidelity - Found a condom under the bed

[Pippa0321]

I’m 2 months pregnant, we tried for a year and when we found out we were extremely happy. (we’ve been happily together for 6 years). However today I was cleaning and I found a condom wrap under the bed. I confronted him and he admitted he cheated with a random girl a year ago. He was out partying and met a girl, went back to her place and got with her, he thinks the condom wrap was in his pocket and may have fell out when he got changed back home. I don’t know what to do I’m shocked. I would have never ever expected that from him. He has been such a good boyfriend, so loving and so in love with me for all these years. I thought 100% he was the type he’d never cheat. Any advice? Should I leave him and keep the baby? Leave him and get an abortion? Or stay with him and keep the baby despite everything? Thanks x

So you have a good sex life, and he’s still using prostitues in between?

Not forgivable for me, I wouldn’t have the baby either. I’d cut my losses and move on. He’ll never change. I wouldn’t want a father like that for my DC. Let’s not forget it’s also a crime.

So sorry OP but we'll done on the bluff. He won't change, I'm sorry but he won't. You need to move on, leave him to his fetish, as that's what it is, he gets a thrill from paying for sex behind your back. You and your baby deserve so much more. Good luck with everything x

Gosh you’ll really need an STI check, yuck! I couldn’t forgive that. He’s disgusting

I don't know if my boyfriend has a problem or if this is "fairly" normal as I read many women have had this issue with their husbands (them going to brothels and having sex with prostitutes).

If this is real then you need to work pretty urgently on your boundaries and your expectations of a partner. He is shagging prostitutes in your bed. This is not normal. How can you even consider forgiving this?

He's a serial punter and they do not change OP.

He believes that you can buy access to a woman's body and is happy to do so even though there's no possible way for him to know a sex worker isn't being abused, coerced, trafficked etc. He's willing to take the risk that she is.

On top of all that, he has done this IN YOUR HOME. In your bedroom. In your bed.

You also know now he is capable of lying to your face repeatedly and will happily do so until you confront him with absolute proof he's lying.

Anything to do with the pregnancy is of course 100% your choice.

But when it comes to your relationship with him, you'd be an absolute fucking lunatic not to break up with him now.

Men like him do not respect women and do not see them as their equals.

Please don't waste your life waiting for this wanker to change. He won't. And every time he does it again, and he will, you will lose a bit more of yourself until your self esteem is so low that you don't leave him and believe his behaviour is what you deserve.

It isn't.

So firstly I was Here 5 years ago going through the exact same shit with my partner.

I forgave him and stayed. We had an amazing sex life too, im talking few times a week to almost daily and it still didn't stop him, the lies never stopped, still haven't.

I'm actually leaving him now (5 years later) due to the constant disrespect and boundary crossing, have I given him a few chances to fix ot or make things right, yes far too many but after yet another broken promise it was like a switch flipped in and I was done. I've been broken and unhappy for far too long and he expects me to continue living like this and falling for his false promises etc. My biggest regret is not walking away 5 years ago and teaching him, you don't get the chance to disrespect me twice.

Not only did he continually show me how much respect or lack there of he jad for me and our children, he gets spiteful if you call him out and also allows his family to disrespect me, threaten me , abuse me and still secretly takes our kids there to visit them. The last 10 years of my life has just been a series of gut punches amd I've felt so low I considered ending my life because its been so hard to find a place, fight for my kids and put up with his games.

Please please please for your sake and your child's GET OUT! and if you choose to have the baby you will be tied to this Man for years and he will ruin your life and male you extremely miserable.

I’m so sorry OP, this is such a massive shock for anyone to deal with, let alone when you’re pregnant.

The first thing you really must know, is that non of this is remotely your fault and you really do deserve better.

Even if you hadn’t had sex for a year or so, the right thing would have been to talk to you about it, not run off and pay to have sex with strangers. That’s disgusting behaviour, from anyone, under any circumstances.

You were so clever about the line inside the wrapper, well done you.
I’d still be wondering if you’ve actually even got the full truth now, like you say.

I think these things will constantly be in the back of your mind, if you were to stay together. Every time he went out or you were out of the house for a few hours in an afternoon when he’s home alone. Every time he’s messaging on his phone. What might be be doing.

I would be extremely worried for your mental and emotional health, as no-one should ever have to live like that. If your self esteem etc. is crushed by his last and future behaviour (I know mine would be, if I had to suffer that), you won’t be able to able to give your child the best of yourself.

The deception and lies that he’s told, over all this time is absolutely disgraceful.

I’m a very empathetic and non-judgmental person in general and feel like everyone can make a mistake and should be given a second chance but his continued disrespect and lies is unforgivable.

I really don’t think he will ever change, no matter what.

You deserve so much better. There are some lovely and genuine men out there, who would realise how lucky they were to be with you and would treat you with love and respect.

Life is far too short to give him any more of your time, love or thought.

He’s an absolute disgrace.

I just wanted to say as well, @Aussiegirl88 you’re absolutely amazing!!

Well done for breaking away now. You also deserve so so so much better.

Without a doubt I would be ending the relationship.

With the pregnancy I would be giving serious thought whether I want to set myself up for a future of trying to co parent with a man I'd rather have nothing more to do with. Plus all the difficulties of being a single parent. But obviously only you can know what your feelings are there.

You poor lamb
Chuck him out. Live your best life. If you keep your baby make sure he's financially supporting you both and good riddance to the little see you next Tuesday

This.

it is acceptable to buy a woman’s body? Really

that is not forgivable

he had sex with other women whilst you were carrying his baby

I would not want him as a father of my child (absolutely awful misogynistic man)

solicitor, sti check, termination (this is the option I would take in your case), counselling for me

no couples therapy

he is a gaslighting, abusive, criminal, misogynistic abuser

end of

Wow OP - well played!
Now then darling - you need to get rid of him. Honestly he's going to make your life a bloody misery, and then when the baby comes it will only get worse. I have no hesitation in saying you have a stinker there - a no-good, lying cheating dirty pig. Am I getting my point over? You sound lovely - it's rather concerning and I hope you have a friend who can tell you like it is. Please open up to someone in your life.

Don't settle for him. You'll never trust him again. Rightly so.

It unforgivable. He isn't only risking your health but also your unborn babies. I would get an STD test ASAP. There isn't any going back from here. He is fucking prostitutes in your bed, in your home, while your pregnant with his baby. He has no respect or love for you. Walk away now.

Clean under the bed more??? WTF??? Do you not think OP is upset enough without you insulting her cleaning regime? Jesus Christ

This is far from normal. I can’t believe what I’m reading. Please arrange an STI check as a matter of urgency. Not only has he put your health at risk but he’s put your baby’s health at risk. I couldn’t come back from that. This is abusive, deceitful, gaslighting behaviour and he has no respect for himself or you or your child. And certainly no concern for your emotional or physical wellbeing. Please also work on your boundaries and learn to appreciate yourself because if you have to consider whether this is acceptable that’s a huge problem in itself. He should be out on his ass.

Forget couples therapy. Leave him and treat yourself to some therapy sessions of your own. This is going to hit you at some point, it may even be when your baby arrives (if you go through with the pregnancy).

Oh OP you deserve so much more, what a disgusting man he is!
The most important thing right now is to get yourself an STI screening!
I hope you can see how much you are worth and get this man out of your life. I also say this as a mother, I would be looking into my options re the pregnancy as I wouldn’t not want to be tied to a man like that forever. Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the best and hope you can move on from all of this.

Good God... how could cheating with prostitutes ever be normal?

That's cheating + treating a human (who is probably trafficked and coherced) as a piece of meat

Where are your standards OP? Why are you not 100% sure that you deserve better?

Incredibly sad all around

I am deeply concerned that you're still trying to minimise his behaviour by suggesting it can be normal. I really do wonder what mind games he may have played with you to even make you think that, or what other partners have done in the past. IT IS NOT NORMAL TO SLEEP WITH PROSTITUES WHEN YOU'RE IN A LOVING RELATIONSHIP. If you forgive him and stay with him then you are giving him the message that it is OK to treat you that way. This isn't a one off, this is an ongoing thing and he wouldn't even have admitted it to you if he hadn't been caught. Even after being caught, he lied. I have no doubts there will be even more to this story that he is still keeping from you.

Please have some respect for yourself and leave him. He will not change. It sounds as if he may even have an addiction. Keep the baby if you want but please get rid of the man! Also think of your child; if you stay with him and your child witnesses his behaviour towards you and finds out some of the things your partner does behind your back, that also teaches them this is normal behaviour in a relationship and one day their partner may treat them to same way, and they will also stay. Or they will treat their partner how he treats you. Would you want that for your child? If you had a friend going through the same, what would you tell them? Cos I highly doubt it would be to tell them this is normal and forgivable.

I know I deserve better :( and I know that it's NOT normal behaviour even though a lot of men do it...
A lot of men are also respectful and faithful when they are in a nice loving relationship with the woman they love.

But I'm just afraid... I'm 29 and yes, I'm not "old" but I'm not 22 either... I'm afraid I won't find anyone better, or anyone at all!

I'm afraid maybe my next boyfriend is the same or worse!! My boyfriend sounds horrible, and he obviously wasn't a good boyfriend, but for 6 years I've thought he was the most loving, kind and generous man I could ever find... Finding this out has been shocking for me as I just discovered a side of him I would have never thought existed... I would have never ever expected this from him. Just not from him. He was such a nice person with a nice heart - one of those guys that "you can tell" are nice people when you meet them. Just shocking.

But I'm just afraid... I'm 29 and yes, I'm not "old" but I'm not 22 either... I'm afraid I won't find anyone better, or anyone at all! I'm afraid maybe my next boyfriend is the same or worse!!

End the relationship. There's no other healthy option for you or your baby.

Then work on your self esteem and the trauma this will have caused with some counselling, especially as you'll be adapting to being a mum.

And you'll realise that you don't need a boyfriend to be happy. Being single is far preferable to being with someone who cheats on you, doesn't respect women and lies to you. I promise.

You won't end up with the same or worse if you put in the work to build up strong boundaries to keep you and your baby emotionally protected.

Please tell us you won't give the baby his last name. Why should you? Think about it. Why should he have his dads name when you'll be the primary carer? There's no benefit to the baby having his last name other than an ego boost for him. No plus points for you or baby.

And please get an STI test. He's put your health and the baby's health at risk. Unforgivable.

Agree with most of this but why will she be primary carer? He's done her wrong yes but there's nothing to say he won't be the best dad in the world. Using the baby to punish him by not giving his name and not allowing him shared care is toxic advice.

@Pippa0321 you are only 29, don't think like this. Of course you'll meet someone else when you are ready.

It's better to be on your own anyways than disrespected. What if he gives you an STD? What if he already has and you pass it to baby? Has he thought about the repercussions of this? Do you think he cares for you to do that?

I know it's hard to leave but prostitutes is lower than a snakes belly and you are so so so much better than that xx

Agree with most of this but why will she be primary carer?

It's statistically hugely unlikely that the baby's dad will be primary career or 50/50.

He's done her wrong yes but there's nothing to say he won't be the best dad in the world.

I haven't said what kind of a dad he will be. He has however already put the child at risk by putting OP's sexual health at risk.

Using the baby to punish him by not giving his name and not allowing him shared care is toxic advice.

Eh? It is NOT to punish him. It simply makes no sense for a baby to have the name of the father by default when they are statistically overwhelmingly likely to have their mum as primary carer.

And even if they were to share 50/50, why would that mean the baby should have his name rather than hers? What's the logic behind that?