Infidelity - Found a condom under the bed

[Pippa0321]

I’m 2 months pregnant, we tried for a year and when we found out we were extremely happy. (we’ve been happily together for 6 years). However today I was cleaning and I found a condom wrap under the bed. I confronted him and he admitted he cheated with a random girl a year ago. He was out partying and met a girl, went back to her place and got with her, he thinks the condom wrap was in his pocket and may have fell out when he got changed back home. I don’t know what to do I’m shocked. I would have never ever expected that from him. He has been such a good boyfriend, so loving and so in love with me for all these years. I thought 100% he was the type he’d never cheat. Any advice? Should I leave him and keep the baby? Leave him and get an abortion? Or stay with him and keep the baby despite everything? Thanks x

Are you from 1842?

It is not normal for men to lie about small things or bigger things. Not the decent ones.

First off I'd be asking to hand over his phone/other devices immediately and in front of you and not giving him a chance to go off and delete anything. I'd also be getting an STI check as soon as possible, especially because you're pregnant.

I don't believe his bullshit story for one second, it sounds like a fraction of the truth.

Personally, there's no way I'd be staying with him in these circumstances. What you do about the baby is up to you, you're young and it's early in your pregnancy so you have options. But if I kept the baby I'd be raising it as a single mum.

How could you check the purchase date of the condom? Or do you mean that the use by date was the date that he said it was used, ie. the condom was used around the final date before it expired?

With him claiming not remember plus the lies he's told you I'm inclined to believe that maybe he's not as great as you thought he was.

I'm just from a time where women get fucked every day when they put their careers on hold or give them up completely without the financial protection of marriage. Put out in the street because the house is his, having no pension cause they stopped making contributions, etc etc

A quick glance at the relationship boards will show just how well this works out 🙄

I thought DH only lied about little things. 20 years later it turned out our whole marriage was a sham and he been trying to sleep with anything that moved the whole time. Don't let it get to that point OP. You've found out now what sort of person he is, sleeping with someone else while planning to have a baby with you.

Who knows if there have been countless others, who knows how many times he has got rid of the wrapper leaving no evidence, who knows if he's been sleeping with women in your bed, who knows if it is/was an ongoing thing - unfortunately you might never know as he's a liar and can't be trusted to tell the truth. A relationship with no trust is not enjoyable, I know that much for sure.

He fucked someone else and it was obviously in your bed.

That's what you know.

He is a cheat and a liar. That much is confirmed. You will never fully trust him again.

So not only is he a cheating bastard he thinks you are utterly stupid too.

I know what I would do, have a termination and ditch the lying twat but that is me.

Men don’t lie about small things any more or less than women do. Some people lie. He has lied. Is this the father figure you want your child to grow up with? Whether you stay together or not, if you have a child you’ll be forever linked and saddling this poor child with a waste of space father.

he was a good loving boyfriend - the best boyfriend I've had! Although I have to say we had an issue with him lying.

There's another thread ongoing with a woman telling us she thought her marriage was very happy apart from the ongoing, long term problem of her husband being a shit.

We see this a lot.

He’s a liar, non of it rings true to me. I’d leave and have a termination. You can do better!

So he's a cheater and a liar. Is this what you want for your life?? You'll be one of those worn out struggling single mums before you know it, sadly.

I'd terminate and move on ASAP.

Jesus I don't know what to make of this, I was actually considering that op was a troll because it all seems a bit unbelievable.

I read this post to my partner who honestly couldn't understand how the condom wrapper made it home, I wouldn't give to much weight to condoms expiry dates. I've boxes of old condoms that should really get rid off but haven't, my single friends have admitted they use condoms from boxes they bought god knows when and use them without checking expiry dates 😬 put it down to heat of the moment I suppose. So if they were her condoms you don't know when she bought them or how long she's had them without checking the date, I've met women & men that swear they didn't know condoms have expiry dates 🤷‍♀️ if it was your partners condom why did he go out with a condom? If he bought it that night in a bathroom that suggests some element of self awareness.

Anyway my partner said if he went back to other woman's house and had sex then wouldn't he have taken jeans off before putting on a condom so why would condom wrapper be in his pocket? He was smart enough to hide his infidelity surely he had some awareness that night other wise how did he know to not fall asleep after, he was able to get dressed, grab wallet phone etc. Make his way home... doesn't really sound like he was black out drunk... to sugest he put condom wrapper in his pocket after sex doesn't seem to match up since he had enough awareness to not make you suspicious and cover his tracks ... if it was in pocket wouldn't he have seen it when he removed his phone/wallet later?

Regardless, he cheated and slept soundly next to you every night after with no issue lying and covering it up. Saying he doesn't remember is a fucking cop out and frankly insulting to you OP.

Keep baby if you want a baby, but I'd get rid of your partner.

If you’re in the UK child support is non-existant. I would terminate the pregnancy and the relationship. You deserve better! Leave him and you will be so much better off.

That is a weird thing to admit to so easily. I suspect it was a small lie because he is hiding an even bigger lie and he needed a cover for.

He has been doing this regularly and recently is my guess.

Hes not only cheated on you, he's done it in your home and your bed. Which means he's coordinated it to be at a time when you weren't home and wouldn't be likely to catch him. Thats not a drunken hookup, that's planned. Hes also lied to you about where he was that day/evening

Dont be a mug OP, none of that is innocent or accidental

I don’t know of any woman who carries condoms around with her or even keeps them at home - laying in wait for a hook up. I just don’t.

Irrelevant to the thread (sorry OP) but this is the 21st century and many women do indeed keep and carry condoms.

A little more relevantly, if you've made snide remarks about cleaning, just... go away.

OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. It does seem that he's not at all a faithful or trustworthy man.

The expiry date won't give you conclusive answers. They could have been brought a year ago and used last week for example. The affair partner could have produced it or your partner you will never know. In all honesty I wish I had left when my partner first cheated on me. Now I'm married to him with a kid and a house and it's made things much harder to walk. The baby is a separate issue from your partner. You need real life support. Whether you stay or leave it isn't going to be an easy ride. I would only seriously consider staying if you were seeing what he is doing to ensure that behaviour never happens again. Only you know what you believe and only you can make the decision

Pippa0321 Sorry, I understand that you have had bad luck with previous men but don't let that set the bar low now. He has already admitted he cheated .Most likely even had sex while out partying a year old ago without you. When you both according to you were trying for a much wanted baby. If he can cheat while you were a happy child free couple. What about after the baby is born when family life starts to get tough. Keep the much wanted baby if you want to by all means, but remember you don't have to stay with a cheat and liar with a selective memory to do that.

Sorry but getting out now especially as you don't appear to be married, may save you years of heartache and difficulties.

I dunno. Something doesn't add up about this story.
We presume he had his trousers off when he was doing the deed so didn't put the wrapper back into his pocket then.
So he'd have to picked it up off the floor etc.
Why would he do that if it was her house and her condom?

The use by date on condoms can be years not exactly when he said he shagged the other girl.

Also if there is one condom, there's a box somewhere with the rest of them.

Why did he not just deny it? He just admitted straightaway.
If I was a bloke I think I'd try to deny it first.

Hope you didn't move that bed by yourself if you are 2 months pregnant, it's not good to be heaving very heavy furniture around like that.

Hmmmmmm....... 🤔

I tried to make things work, with a liar, because we’d already had a child by the time I realised. Unfortunately most of the lies were to cover cheating, which I didn’t find evidence of for a good few years...by which time I was too old to start over with anyone else. Get out while you can. A liar is always a liar.

There is no type, that 100% will not cheat.

Sorry but if this is true then he was assaulted, and I can't imagine he would be that blase (having also been assaulted when drunk, I don't think he would be so nonchalant).
Also, he didn't tell you, you found out. What else hasn't he told you? I feel like the fact you're even asking shows you don't trust him, if you did then why want others opinions? I'll be really honest, as someone with a 1yo and an honest equal marriage, leave and terminate. Parenting is HARD and even when you have someone honest and supportive it pushes you to the brink, so I can't imagine how awful it is alone or with someone you can't trust. Also co parenting with a liar is never going to go well, do you truly want to be tied to this person for the rest of your life? It doesn't stop at 18.

The stuff about how drunk he was and not remembering anything sounds like such transparent BS. It's what people often say when they've done something they know they can't justify, but they can't hide or deny either. It makes it sound less connected to their will and conscious decision making.

Apart from anything else, if shagging this girl was the only time he'd cheated on you in six years, he'd remember it for its sheer uniqueness. On the other hand I suppose it's just possible he doesn't remember it if it's something he'd done so many times that they all blur into one. That hardly makes it better though, does it?

I don't believe singular acts of cheating are always and necessarily the end of a relationship, but I could never continue in a relationship with someone with that level of constant denial and dishonesty. Some people are just like that - they don't really know what it means to be truthful and natural in someone else's company, even their own spouse. There's always a level of game playing a pretending. I don't really get how those people understand relationships but only you can decide whether you do and whether it's how you want to live the rest of your life. He won't change.

Someone who lies about little things will lie about big things. A liar is a liar.