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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Infidelity - Found a condom under the bed

235 replies

Pippa0321 · 06/11/2022 22:17

I’m 2 months pregnant, we tried for a year and when we found out we were extremely happy. (we’ve been happily together for 6 years). However today I was cleaning and I found a condom wrap under the bed. I confronted him and he admitted he cheated with a random girl a year ago. He was out partying and met a girl, went back to her place and got with her, he thinks the condom wrap was in his pocket and may have fell out when he got changed back home. I don’t know what to do I’m shocked. I would have never ever expected that from him. He has been such a good boyfriend, so loving and so in love with me for all these years. I thought 100% he was the type he’d never cheat. Any advice? Should I leave him and keep the baby? Leave him and get an abortion? Or stay with him and keep the baby despite everything? Thanks x

OP posts:

ClawedButler · 07/11/2022 11:36

He 'probably' had sex with a woman who 'probably' had condoms at hers, and you're supposed to believe that afterwards he got dressed and picked up the condom wrapper and put it in his pocket to come home, when it 'probably' fell out.

He's laughing in your face. No, it's not a "one off" - even if the cheating was a one off, the bare-faced lies and utter contempt for you is not, it's a repeated, ongoing pattern of behaviour.

He's shown exactly what he thinks of you, and it's not much. That would utterly skewer my feelings for someone, I could never feel "in love" with someone who holds me in such disdain.

GoAgainstNicki · 07/11/2022 11:37

Meagainalready · 06/11/2022 22:31

How did a condom
wrapper make its way back from another house, to your house and then UNDER your bed of all places and then lay undetected for a year and yet be found fairly easily when you did some cleaning today?

either the whole thing is made up or the story about it being a year ago and not in your house is made up.

but then anyone cheating would surely be fairly careful to dispose of the condom wrapper.

I was thinking the exact same thing

RandomMusings7 · 07/11/2022 11:39

Another thing to consider - if it was the woman who had the condom, presumably he would have been happy to go without one. You can't even be sure they actually used it (correctly and the entire time).

Get an STI check asap.

Bananarama21 · 07/11/2022 11:42

The fact you say he lies about where he is or when he got in is very telling. I suspect this isn't his first rodeo and there have been others. I don't buy the not remembering. Have you been away recently?

kateandme · 07/11/2022 11:45

Sounds like the previous lying has been previous cheating.good bf don’t cheat. Ever. End of.
id keep the longed for baby.
he’d be gone.once you’ve cheated the trust is gone the relationship is dead.and it would wriggle and burn inside me that he didn’t this a year ago so actually our whole year has been a f lie!
id feel a fool
and the icing on the cake would be I thought we were especially a team with not getting pregnant and the trying.but no.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 07/11/2022 11:49

I do not believe it

ChampagneBlossom44 · 07/11/2022 11:50

It might be nothing but worth checking the expiry date if you have the whole of the wrapper. You can (sadly from experience) find out roughly when it was manufactured if you go on the brand site, most of them are 1 to 5 years (and will tell you which on their website). So if it’s not due to expire until 2027 for example, you’ll have an idea that it can’t have been used a year ago and was bought more recently. Not guaranteed to help though if he’s had an old box hidden somewhere for a while.
so sorry you’re going through this.

Winceybincey · 07/11/2022 11:53

So he brought the wrapper home with him and placed it under the bed? Okay, that makes sense 🙄

the most plausible explanation would be that he's shagged her in your bed and then when you’ve come home he’s noticed the wrapper on the floor and quickly kicked it under the bed and then forgotten about it.

I don’t know of any woman who carries condoms around with her or even keeps them at home - laying in wait for a hook up. I just don’t.

it’s up to you if you want to believe his half truths and carry on as normal as long as you’re okay with the double disrespect - the cheating and then the lying about it. And if you’re happy to accept that it will happen again, especially now he knows he can walk all over you and you’ll believe his lies.

I wouldn’t stay and I wouldn’t keep the baby. But that’s just me, you need to do what’s right for you.

Smineusername · 07/11/2022 11:55

Look, he's lying. He shagged someone in your bed and it probably wasn't just the once. You need to get the full story

rhowton · 07/11/2022 11:56

I would personally have a termination and leave.

LarryBlackmonsCodpiece · 07/11/2022 11:59

Bin him off & seriously consider if you really want his child, tying you to him for the rest of your life, grim. I’d leave & start fresh, heal, concentrate on yourself. Good luck op

Alreadyxmas · 07/11/2022 12:01

Well first off, he's lying.

I don't believe in ultimatums but I also think you need to know the truth to be able to decide what do do. I would tell him he needs to tell the truth or leave because you don't believe his lies.

As for your baby, you and him/her will be fine without him so don't worry about that

Servalan · 07/11/2022 12:03

Spookypig · 07/11/2022 11:31

Don’t abort a much longed for and tried for baby over a one night stand! If it honestly was a one off and he immediately was honest about it and he really regrets it then are you able to forgive him? I personally couldn’t throw away my relationship and my child and our future together for a one-off drunken mistake. Imagine how you’ll feel if you abort this baby out of shock/hurt and end up getting back with him? You’ll have got rid of your wanted baby for no reason. Imagine you leave him and regret it but he has moved on and doesn’t want to get back together? That would be my biggest fear - that I could have forgiven a one off mistake and had a happy family life together with the man I loved and our child, but I was unable to forgive and now I’m alone and miserable. It must be a horrible shock but it isn’t your baby’s fault, don’t do anything hasty that you could regret for the rest of your life.

I think the difference here is that this isn't a case of the OP's DP having a drunken one night stand, waking up in the morning feeling absolutely mortified and confessing straight away.

This is the OP finding evidence of their DP being unfaithful, confronting their partner and being told a story that just doesn't add up in terms of when the condom was found and where the condom was found - add to that, the OP has now said that their DP has a history of lying.

I agree that deciding to terminate a pregnancy, especially a longed for pregnancy isn't a decision to take lightly.

At the same time, none of the other options are to be taken lightly either.

Being a single mum can be terrific but it can also be bloody hard in terms of energy, finances, identity.

Being a mum in a relationship with an untrustworthy and feckless partner is also hard and pretty soul destroying.

And as others have mentioned, having a tie to the father of your child for 18 years or more is not necessarily the best fun...

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this - it is utter shit. Are you able to have some time away from your partner to think this through and consider your options? What kind of real life support do you have?

KettrickenSmiled · 07/11/2022 12:03

I'm 29. It's hard because until today our relationship has been very good - he was a good loving boyfriend - the best boyfriend I've had! Although I have to say we had an issue with him lying. He used to lie to me a lot every time he was going out about the time he got home, where he went, etc. I guess he is a liar but it was never a major thing, only small little things. But I believed this is very common in men to avoid an argument?

Oh dear. It's so depressing to see this belief coming from a young woman.
No, it's NOT common for men to lie to avoid arguments.
Good men do no such thing.
Stop selling yourself the narrative that "men just can't help it" & "men are just like this" & "better a lying cheating man than no man."

I'm not going to tell you what to do, apart from just this - lose the excuse-making, & start getting angry. There is also no point in obsessing over the date on the condom wrapper. It's irrelevant when it was bought, & whether your b/f or his shagee originally bought it. It's only relevant that he used it. His story about bring the wrapper home & it just happening to end up under your very low bed is nonsense. He is mitigating & minimising "I was drunk / it was ages ago / I can't even remember what she looked like" - why are you tolerating this bullshit, from a known liar?

KettrickenSmiled · 07/11/2022 12:05

All of this.
OP - can you stay with a friend or family for a while - or get him to?
You need a little time & a lot of space, to consider what YOU want to do, without him bleating on at you & confusing your thoughts.

somethingdifferent789 · 07/11/2022 12:05

He's cheated or cheating with someone in your bed and a lot less than a year.
Cut your losses now. He is lieing to you.

Cr3ateAUsername · 07/11/2022 12:10

Unless you never clean your home, the cheating would have happened a lot more recent than a year ago. None of us can advise you to have a termination or not to have one though, that’s solely a choice you must make.

Bigslippers · 07/11/2022 12:11

Sorry OP but I find it very far fetched to think he had sex with someone else at a different address and carefully put the wrapper back into his jeans/trousers
It sounds more obvious that the sex took place in your bed.
Im so sorry but in situations like this you need to think what advice you would give to your sister or a best friend x

spaceshiptrain · 07/11/2022 12:13

I think your first question should be whether you want the baby. You sound very jumbled up and although a termination is certainly an option and rightly so, it's not to be taken as lightly as 'just get one'

Do you want the baby? Do you want to be a mother?

And if you do want to be a mother are you young enough to find someone and settle down again by say age 35? Because once you hit this age it can become impossible.

Maybe not popular but it needs to be considered.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/11/2022 12:17

Unless you only clean once a year, this is utter bullshit.

I would be leaving. Whatever you choose to do with your baby is entirely up to you.

Really sorry this has happened but better that you find out now. And get checked for STDs.

He's a tosser.

PollyAmour · 07/11/2022 12:18

He's cheating on you.

Leave him and don't have a child with him.

GrandOleOpryNights · 07/11/2022 12:21

He’s lying. He’s lied about a lot of things already and will continue to do so. I bet you don’t actually know the real him at all.

Personally I would dump him and get a termination. Tying yourself to someone like that, and worse, giving a child someone like him as a father will be very negative for your life.

minticecreamisjustok · 07/11/2022 12:21

I would get myself out of this situation before it's too late.

BloodAndFire · 07/11/2022 12:23

@Servalan don't get sucked in by @Spookypig

They are a rabidly anti-abortion poster who magically appears on any thread where the op is considering termination and lectures them about how every pregnancy is a blessing.

Including circumstances much worse than this thread- circumstances where it would be absolutely disastrous for the child and its parents.

SirenSays · 07/11/2022 12:24

He was so unbelievably drunk he can't pick the girl out of a line up. (Worrying! Did she consent?!)
Yet he's telling you he had the brains to remember to use a condon and pick up his phone, keys wallet etc when he left.

The lies make it so much worse for me. Why can't cheater just come clean when they're caught

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