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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

How long did you know your partner before starting a family?

202 replies

ALS94 · 04/11/2022 13:28

I have been with my partner now for 6 months, I have never felt this way about anyone and I know this relationship is going the whole way. We’ve already discussed babies, marriage and moving in together. He’s very keen on children and said he wants them in the next 3 years (I’m 28 and he’s 31) but is happy to go at my pace. All my friends have children or are pregnant and I really want to have my children the same time as them so we’re at the same life stages together.

Am I mad for considering having a baby with someone I’ve only know for 6 months? I’m interested to know others experience of this

TIA x

OP posts:
NewNameNov · 04/11/2022 15:47

9 years.

NewNameNov · 04/11/2022 15:48

And yes. 6 months is unreasonable.

I'd say you need to spend a year living together before committing yourself to being tied to this person and their family by blood.

TeamHerbivore · 04/11/2022 15:49

We started living together after 2 years, then after another 3 years, we had our first child.

It takes years to know someone properly. 6 months is madness imo. You’ll probably get lots of people saying they were pregnant within weeks of knowing each other and they’re still together 30 years later, but the truth is, the longer you know someone, the more likely you are to know the real them. Some people are not what they seem but they hide it well for a good while.

Hopefully he’s as lovely as he seems but get to know him more. And if he is as lovely as he seems, enjoy just being a couple.

I love my children so much but I’m so happy that we had time together before we had them, all those shared experiences over years, lots of holidays, nights out, nights in, life events meant we were solid as a couple before babies came along. And you need to be solid and have that closeness to have children imo.

RuLu · 04/11/2022 15:53

I am usually the most cautious person ever but that hadn't worked out well for me so I decided to just go with it. He moved in fairly soon, a month after we met. We started trying after a few months & I was pregnant 8 months after we met. Happily married now with 2 children. Go for it. I did & it's one of the best things I've ever done!

MrsKrankyPants · 04/11/2022 15:57

We were together 4 years and married 2 before the first came along.

Essexgirlupnorth · 04/11/2022 16:05

6 years but started trying after we got married after 4 years just look a while to get pregnant

ALS94 · 04/11/2022 16:08

Wow much more of a response than I was expecting.

Just to clarify, I’m not suggesting we start trying for a baby tonight. I understand a lot more thought would be needed before bringing a life into the word, I was simply wondering about people’s experiences.

Not that I need to justify but we are actually mature adults, our living and financial situations are already in place and would not be a hurdle for starting a family. We have thought it through.

Thank you for those who shared their stories, especially those who started families ‘quickly’, its Interesting to see everyone’s perspective ❤️

OP posts:
endoflevelbaddy · 04/11/2022 16:16

4 years, but it would probably have been sooner if we hadn't have been in our early 20s and wanting to buy a house and get married first.

We moved in together after 6 months of meeting, got engaged after 12, bought our house before we got to 2 years, got married on our 3rd anniversary of meeting, and were expecting before our 1st wedding anniversary.

I honestly believe when you know, you know, but there's no harm in giving it a couple of years to be sure 😉 I knew after 6 weeks together this was the man I would marry and 18 years later I've not been proved wrong.

Lmgify · 04/11/2022 16:18

10 years. But we met when I was in my mid 20s so younger than you. You’re crazy for wanting to get pregnant so you could do it at the same time as your friends. What if he turns out to be an arsehole and you’ll be stuck with him being the father of your child forever!

Cakecakecheese · 04/11/2022 16:54

My partner and I have been together for 5 years and our baby is 3 months old. However like you I knew very early on that he was who I wanted to be the father of my kids. I was 37 when we met and I had known fertility issues so we had to get started trying and getting investigations done really early on. Ideally we'd have been together a few years before thinking about it but we just didn't have time

Batbatbatty · 04/11/2022 16:57

Don't you want to enjoy some time together just the two of you first?

PewterHeart · 04/11/2022 17:02

I've known my husband since we were 14, got together at 18, engaged at 23 and married at 26, then fell pregnant less than 6 months after the wedding (due in April) and have never been happier and we are super stable financially etc. Personally I have little issue with the idea of having kids with someone you've known/been with for a short amount of time, but I do think that people should be married before having kids... sidenote: I knew within 3 months of getting together at 18 that my DH was the one, so it is possible to know these things quickly BUT I'd already known him 4 years and we made sure all our affairs were in order and that we aligned on enough stuff to know that our partnership would work even if things got tough and it was hard to FEEL love at any point.

my husband and I could've tried for kids sooner but specifically waiting until after marriage to start because it show commitment and you know they're in it for the long haul then. People used to (and still do) get married after 6 months and have long happy marriages. The key is are your values the same, do you tell each other the truth (and always will), and are your plans and goals the same etc...

You both need to sit down and not only agree that you love each other, want to marry and have children etc... you need to know that your core values and beliefs align so you can raise those children reading from the same hymn book, you need to know you can trust them and that they are fully committed to you and building a family (getting married), do you believe in divorce? Do you want to work towards dual or single income household... do you really want to be a SAHM for example, he needs to be on board with that and you need to understand what it actually means to be running the household while hubby brings all the money in; or do you both want to have a career to maximise income (and maybe you have a dream job), and how will you work towards that and raise children especially before they're able to go to school etc.

Religion, politics, all that stuff is important. You don't necessarily have to agree 100% but you need to be in the same ballpark and willing to compromise and accept differences. Make a list of deal breakers and stick to it. Kids are for the rest of your life... and marriage is supposed to be as well.

So in short, get your serious head screwed on - put aside feelings and romance, because some day you are not going to feel how you do right now because they've been bugging you all week or whatever, and there WILL be rough patches. You need to know if you can join together in a true partnership of marriage - can you work together through all difficulties and struggles for the rest of your life? Can you commit to that legally (and before God if you believe)? If you truly can, then get it done - then have kids afterwards.

If he's not willing to get married before having kids then that's a big no for me. Do not cave and say okay we can have kids first because the burden is fully on you if things go south in the future - kids almost always stay with the mum and without marriage you won't be entitled to any thing from him.

Good luck, I hope that you can discern that marriage will work for you and get married before kids.

Remember: love isn't just a feeling, it's a choice. A choice you make every single day; even if that day (or week/month/year) you don't like that person, you choose to love them anyway because you committed to each other and you know in the long run that you work well together.

janie85 · 04/11/2022 17:08

I've known him since I was 11! (Same school)
But we got together in 2011 and got engaged in 2012, didn't marry until 2018 though and had our first baby 2019, now have another on the way 😊

Grimbleton · 04/11/2022 17:09

Together 5 months when I found out I was pregnant, which with hindsight was utterly bonkers and i wouldnt recommend. We’d known each other for about 18 months so he wasn’t a total stranger and we are still together / married 13 years later but I couldn’t have known that when we first got together. I do wish we could have had longer without kids but instead we had 2 kids in 2 years. Hold off until you are over the honeymoon phase at least.

ellsbells5 · 04/11/2022 17:12

alanabennett · 04/11/2022 13:49

10 years. Not only do I think 6 months is insane, the fact that you are wanting to do this because your friends are, makes you seem much, much younger than 28.

Yes I also thought this, it comes across as incredibly immature.

Dacadactyl · 04/11/2022 17:15

We were together 5 months when we found out I was pregnant. Both of us were students at the time. He still had 2 years left of his degree to go as well. We have been married 13 years and been together 16.5 years now.

I wouldnt actively plan a child within 6 months of knowing someone, but it can work out if it happens.

AnaglyptaBandersnatch · 04/11/2022 17:17

Thirteen months. We'd been married two, though. Seven years and three kids later we have no regrets. Sometimes it's just right.

BraveFaceScaredInside · 04/11/2022 17:19

ellsbells5 · 04/11/2022 17:12

Yes I also thought this, it comes across as incredibly immature.

See I don't think it was meant in a bad way. I can understand wanting to be at similar life stages as close friends, I don't think that shows immaturity. It's not like she is saying 'wah they all have babies I do too'

No reason not to plan things to move onto babies if you are still together and in love in a few years.

There are no guarantee's at any age, stage in life, or how long you have been together.

Good luck OP for the future x

greenshirt06 · 04/11/2022 17:25

I've been with mine 1.5yrs and knew after 6 months he'd be the father of my kids so no, I don't think you're mad! I'm a similar age to you (30), so not as likely to have lots of these 5-12 year long stints of knowing your partner pre-baby. Do what you think is right- personally I won't be marrying pre-baby either as my parents didn't with me and I like the thought of them being a bridesmaid/ pageboy as I was for my parents. It's all such a personal decision but personally I would give it at least a year so you can see how your partner is in different seasons/ how they cope under stress etc.

MajorCarolDanvers · 04/11/2022 17:25

12 years

mincen · 04/11/2022 17:32

DS was born about 2.5 years after OH and I got together. I knew very early on that he was 'the one' so it felt completely right. In hindsight it was too soon but only because I wish we had travelled a bit and had more time just us two before having children.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/11/2022 17:35

Batbatbatty · 04/11/2022 16:57

Don't you want to enjoy some time together just the two of you first?

I do think this bit is important too @ALS94 . DH and I met, moved in together, got engaged and immediately started planning the wedding, got married, started TTC, went through some issues with that, had DS, had 28 months of hell with DS, 12 months of just chaos, I started my OU degree, started ttc.and had some issues with that, had twins, had 3 months of chaos, got hit by a pandemic... He works full time daytime whilst I have the twins and evenings are spent with me studying, taking DS to activities and spelling in my volunteer roles. We have no child care for 3 and take it in turns to go to the cinema alone. Last date alone was prob Nov 2019, next of Sept 2023.

Enjoy your time alone with him.

keepingwarm5623 · 04/11/2022 17:39

I personally consider it too soon but I was with Exh 10 years and still didn't have an indication he wasn't going to be the dad I wanted him to be. I also know people who have had children very quickly and are still together decades later.

runninglikewater · 04/11/2022 17:43

I think it takes a really long time to properly get to know someone.

You need to live together, suss each other out.

Are they lazy?
How do they deal with stress?
What are their views on parenting/work/money/housework?
How do they see their life changing?
Do they run a mile when the relationship is tested?

You don't know them well, you can't possibly and everyone is on their best behaviour still.

Yes, it does work for some but it seems more luck than anything else. And sometimes you can be with someone for years and they're still a shitty partner or parent.

But it's still surely better to give yourselves the best chance of this work for you and any children.

Mothersruin123 · 04/11/2022 17:44

Moved in together 10 months after meeting, conceived DD 6 months later but we were 38 when we met so felt time might be running out for a family. As happy as we are, I wish we'd met when we were younger and had longer together just as a couple to be honest. I'd leave it a few years and enjoy yourselves if I were you.