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Original poster

How long did you know your partner before starting a family?

202 replies

ALS94 · 04/11/2022 13:28

I have been with my partner now for 6 months, I have never felt this way about anyone and I know this relationship is going the whole way. We’ve already discussed babies, marriage and moving in together. He’s very keen on children and said he wants them in the next 3 years (I’m 28 and he’s 31) but is happy to go at my pace. All my friends have children or are pregnant and I really want to have my children the same time as them so we’re at the same life stages together.

Am I mad for considering having a baby with someone I’ve only know for 6 months? I’m interested to know others experience of this

TIA x

OP posts:
alanabennett · 04/11/2022 13:49

10 years. Not only do I think 6 months is insane, the fact that you are wanting to do this because your friends are, makes you seem much, much younger than 28.

Fleur405 · 04/11/2022 13:50

3 years - almost 4 by the time our son was born.

I mean there’s no right and wrong to this really but it does seem quite soon and I absolutely wouldn’t have done that even with my current partner and I was pretty sure he was the one by that stage. IMO, while it would be great to have babies at the same time as your friends that is really not a sensible reason to have one before you are in a properly stable committed relationship.

Nineteenton · 04/11/2022 13:50

5 years and now together for 25.

Have you discussed child rearing together? Night waking, domestic load, expectations of what your roles are? What kind of family did he grow up in and what expectations of mothers does he have from that? What about you? What parental baggage are you both bringing? What about money and access to it?

Love is not enough.

alanabennett · 04/11/2022 13:50

...and we'd been married for four of those years, living together for five.

Leemoe · 04/11/2022 13:50

Three months.

It was extremely irresponsible and we are extremely fortunate that it all worked out and we are now married, three DC later with over eleven years under our belt.

ElephantHouse · 04/11/2022 13:51

We got married after two years and had a baby after five years together.

Been together six years now and have two kids - I knew early on I wanted to marry him and have a family but wouldn't have done it so soon.

cptartapp · 04/11/2022 13:51

10 years.

Mommabear20 · 04/11/2022 13:51

Together 8 months when we moved in together, got our DDog a month later, another DDog a year after that, married after 5 years of being together, DC1 a year later, DC2 a year after that, and DC3 will be just after our 8th anniversary of being together.

notangelinajolie · 04/11/2022 13:52

4 years. Bought a house and got married first.

RandomMusings7 · 04/11/2022 13:55

Having kids with someone you've known for less than 2 years (as the bare minimum) is absolute madness and stupidly irresponsible.

No, i will not apologise for holding this view.

GreenManalishi · 04/11/2022 13:55

How long? Not long enough.

I did not know him well enough to have a baby with him for sure, but the honeymoon period is real. It clouded my judgement, it made me ignore obvious signs and I was seeing him through rose tinted glasses.

I was a similar age to you and my ovaries were covertly clanging so hard I couldn't think straight, despite never having been that fussed about having children. He was super keen, and I got swept along and my first appeared two years after we met.

Consider it, by all means as something you're going to do in the future, but I certainly wouldn't do it just because all your friends are. That is not even a consideration. You're not buying a car, you're doing something more permanent than you can imagine which will tie you to this person for the rest of your life whether you like it or not.

WeightoftheWorld · 04/11/2022 13:55

I don't think it's necessarily a ridiculous idea but you should get married first. And if you think it sounds too soon or silly to get married when you've haven't known each other long, then you definitely shouldn't be planning children with him! Because having a child with someone is a much bigger lifelong commitment to maintaining a relationship (of sorts) with them than getting married.

The thing I DO think sounds silly and like you shouldn't be pushing to have a child now is actually your comments about wanting to have kids at the same time as your friends. That is the daft thing. It shouldn't factor into your decision making whatever what your mates are doing! I can't believe that would motivate someone's family planning!

MrsR87 · 04/11/2022 13:55

We were together for 14 years before having a baby but I had the luxury of being 18 when we became a couple.

If I was just beginning a relationship now in my 30s, I would not have the luxury of being able to wait that long but 6 months would seem way too fast for me. That isn’t enough time to know for sure at that point the the relationship was everything I thought it was.

catsandkid · 04/11/2022 13:56

Had known DH for over 15yrs, together for 5 when we got married and pregnant with our first about 10 months later. By the time DC came along we'd lived together for over 4yrs.

Personally think it's a bit crazy to purposely have a baby with someone you've only known 6m. It's HARD and I don't think a baby makes the relationship easier (quite the opposite)!

WeightoftheWorld · 04/11/2022 13:56

Just realised I didn't answer your question hah, we were together 5.5 yrs before I got pregnant with my first and had been married for 3.5 years.

passport123 · 04/11/2022 13:58

11 years. You don't have that long but I think anything under a few years is bonkers.

RandomMusings7 · 04/11/2022 14:00

Some people put more thought into planning a vacation or getting a pet together than they do about creating a human being! It blows my mind 🤯

And no "all my friends are doing it and I want one" is absolutely not a good reason.

This all sounds so immature

Magn · 04/11/2022 14:00

We were together just under two years when we had our first. It was unplanned and I wouldn't recommend choosing it. Worked out for us but the wedding, house, and more babies didn't happen for another few years after and I sure as hell made sure I was in a strong position to be a single mum if required.

lovelyclouds · 04/11/2022 14:04

My DH and I were 29 meeting, he moved in very quickly (not officially but just organically happened) we got engaged 18 months in, married another 18 months after that, plenty of holidays together and real life stuff, but we were conscious to not leave trying for a baby too long, so stopped preventing pregnancy just before the wedding. We assumed it would take a while to conceive, but I actually ended up walking down the aisle pregnant. I honestly wouldn't try for a baby yet - it's still early days. Have some fun first and get to know him. I think you need to know a persons core values to rear children together, at six months you should still be at the honey moon phase

Cameleongirl · 04/11/2022 14:05

You’re in the honeymoon stage, OP, enjoy it and don’t think of having children yet!

You may be right for each other, but you have time on your side so there’s no reason to rush. I’d wait a couple more years and then start trying.

Having “couple” time together first is wonderful, make the most of it. My DH and I had nearly 10 years together before gab in g children-you don’t need that long!

plasticmoses · 04/11/2022 14:06

Found out I was pregnant the month before our wedding, which was 1.5 years after we met. We had moved in pretty much straight away and then had gone on to buy a house together, and I was 36 so time wasn't on my side!! Do it on your timeline though, not to keep up with your friends

SpottyStripyDuvet · 04/11/2022 14:06

21 years for us!

You haven't even spent a Christmas with him yet. What if he has really weird traditions that are incompatible with yours? Lighthearted comment but it is this sort of thing that causes stress amongst families - have you even met each others families yet?

Having a baby is like throwing a bomb into your life and relationship so having one just because your friends are tends not to work out well.

BeanieTeen · 04/11/2022 14:06

I have been with my partner now for 6 months, I have never felt this way about anyone and I know this relationship is going the whole way.

I’ve never understood this - ‘I love you so much, let’s make a baby ASAP…’ surely if you make a strong connection with someone and really fall in love them you’d want them to yourself for a bit longer, enjoy doing what you want when you want? Have that quality time? Having a baby can be a significant next step in a relationship after a few years of really getting the most out of each other’s company and feeling ready to be a parent in yourself, but I always think jumping straight into having a baby signals that the relationship is a bit stale already or the connection isn’t actually that strong - but be warned, adding a baby to the mix may won’t add the needed excitement and neither does it cement a relationship. Quite the opposite.

Cameleongirl · 04/11/2022 14:08

My friends’ children range from 7 to early 20’s, it really doesn’t matter that people have them at different times.

Plus, if you wait they’ll have plenty of good advice for you!

princesssparklepants · 04/11/2022 14:09

For many reason YABU

But the main one for me is why rush???
You will never be this young and free from the responsibility again. You can't put the genie back in the bottle..... or the baby back in the oven 🤣

It's great you have found someone who appears to be on the same page as you in-terms of relationship goals. But seriously, just enjoy it, enjoy each other. Have fun.
Having a baby will test your relationship, why put that kind of pressure on yourselves so early on when you are still getting to know someone.