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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

He doesn't want the baby

193 replies

teenytims · 26/08/2022 19:46

I recently met up again with an old school friend. We 'dated' briefly in school. He had just split with a long term girlfriend due to her wanting to have DC soon, he wanted more free years.

It was just a bit of fun. Was nice seeing him. But I'm pregnant.

I've told him and he says I'm stupid to even consider continuing, but knows he can't stop me.

He says he doesn't want his name mention. To keep his name out of it all and never say on social media that he's the baby's dad

He doesn't want to be associated with me

I know he's got a deposit for a house and wanting to buy soon. He's also announced he's back with the long term girlfriend... and this evening I've just seen on insta, he's proposed to her

What on earth do I do? Do I tell her?

It's all such a mess

OP posts:

VBF · 27/08/2022 10:41

SmokyQuartz · 26/08/2022 22:14

If I were the fiancé in this situation I’d bloody well hope someone told me so I could make my own decision about what I’d like to do! Which would be to dump the loser who not only knocked someone else up but isn’t acknowledging or taking responsibility for it

OP although I think your motives for wanting to tell her aren’t altruistic, I think the right thing to do would be to find some way of letting her know. He’s obviously going to continue lying.

I 100% agree with this. I feel for the fiancee as she wanted kids and he didn't hence the split, but it will devastate her to find out he has them with someone else and didn't tell her- I know it would me! I think it is his job to tell her, but I don't think he will. Likewise, those saying you will come across the bad guy if you tell her, in what world do you think that this young woman is ever likely to consider OP anything but the bad guy whilst she is hurting? She loves the man and wanted a family with him and whoever she does find out from she will blame OP because she will be hurting. But if I was here I would rather hurt now discreetly than be planning my wedding and it come out...

OP I agree having an abortion isn't easy so it isn't a case of just get one if he isnt into to you, not sure I could do that either. However, just please be really honest with yourself that he is not going to split with her and be with you. In his mind -whoever tells his partner- you will most likley be what he blames if it all falls apart and if it doesn't I don't imagine his partner will let him be too close to you (even though he is just as much responsibility in this and that you didn't owe his partner any loyalty on their break unlike him if it wasnt completely over)

It is a complicated situation OP and I am so sorry it is all so hard when this should be a happy time in your life that you are enjoying 😔

AllyCatTown · 27/08/2022 10:41

You should think of the different scenarios to the fiancée finding out.

She becomes resentful of you and harasses you to have an abortion and on with baby.
She and him want contact with the baby. You see pics of loving family over social media.

SmokyQuartz · 27/08/2022 10:49

AllyCatTown · 27/08/2022 10:41

You should think of the different scenarios to the fiancée finding out.

She becomes resentful of you and harasses you to have an abortion and on with baby.
She and him want contact with the baby. You see pics of loving family over social media.

or 3. The fiancé gets to make a choice to marry and start a family with all of the facts beforehand.

id prefer your #2 tbh - a loving stepmother is the ideal in a broken down relationship

wishingitwasfriday · 27/08/2022 13:45

I would imagine there will be two babies before too long. He'll get the finance pregnant to keep her happy. You'll then be left bringing up a baby along, whilst seeing photos and hearing stories of what a great dad he is and what a lovely family they are. Seems to happen quite often. So best to prepare yourself for that.

Wouldloveanother · 27/08/2022 13:46

wishingitwasfriday · 27/08/2022 13:45

You’re loving this aren’t you?

Elsiebear90 · 27/08/2022 14:12

I would prepare for all eventualities if you continue this pregnancy, he could be completely absent and just pay maintenance, he could be absent and refuse to pay or mess you around with paying late etc which is going to cause you a lot of stress, he could even find a way to avoid paying what he should (know a lot of women who have had this happen to them, their exes suddenly became self employed, worked cash in hand and they get next to nothing).

On the flip side he could have a change of heart and decide he does want to be a dad and ask for 50:50 custody and now you’re going to have to deal with him and his new wife (if she sticks around) for the next 18+ years.

Are you prepared for all of those possibilities? It’s completely your choice whether to continue, but I think you need to mentally prepare for the worst case scenario here and decide whether you’d be okay with it. I’ve seen a lot of replies which are essentially saying “if he’s not involved he will have to pay maintenance so you will fine”, but a lot of the time it’s not that simple. Just have a look at the many CMS threads on here.

I would not tell his fiancée, that’s his issue and it might look like you deliberately got pregnant to trap him and that you’re trying to sabotage his relationship (which is probably what he will tell her).

RedHelenB · 27/08/2022 14:25

teenytims · 26/08/2022 19:48

I am continuing. Just wondered what peoples thoughts were about telling his newly found 'fiancée'

Other than enforce maintenance from him when the baby is born, he can have nothing at all to do with the baby. Plus I've a feeling that you'll be depicted as "tricking" him into the pregnancy given that he's back with his long term gf. I would seriously give termination some thought before it's too late.

Bananarama21 · 27/08/2022 14:29

Given your past history I would be suspicious that you had an agenda two pregnancies years apart and you were on the injection it seems abit fishy especially when he explained his reasons for splitting up with his ex.

AldiLidlDeeDee · 27/08/2022 14:46

Ok, supposing you tell him and his fiancé about the pregnancy.

Imagine that they decide to get married anyway and then decide he wants to be more involved in your baby's life. They apply for 50/50 access and with their joint income, nice house etc. they can afford to be generous and pay for lots of treats and outings whilst you're still struggling in a tiny flat, living on benefits.

Is that the sort of lifestyle you really want?

Obviously, i don't know your circumstances but I think you'd be bonkers to continue with this pregnancy unless you're financially pretty secure.

stayinghometoday · 27/08/2022 14:57

user77468264 · 27/08/2022 09:45

Sorry to be rude. But it makes me so sad that you are planning to bring a child into this world in such a messy situation.
This poor child's father has no say in the matter so your child will grow up wondering why he doesn't care or doesn't even know him. If he decides to step up, it's always going to be dramatic as he clearly doesn't want you.
You are already using this information against him in a toxic way of telling the fiancé when it isn't your place to,

It isn't about you. Or him. Or the fiancé. It's about the life of a little innocent baby.

Why is killing said innocent life better than growing up without a biological father? Honestly, OP wants this baby. It's also HER child. Why doesn't pro choice also mean being able to keep it? When did terminating a welcome pregnancy become the preferred option? I support any woman deciding that terminating is the best option for her. I also support any woman deciding to go through with the pregnancy as the best option. OP wants to keep it, so that's that.

Liorae · 27/08/2022 15:02

teenytims · 26/08/2022 19:52

Surely she deserves to know before everyone we went to school with finds out?

I don't live locally anymore. I'm a 1.5 hours drive away. But it's a place where everyone knows everyone really so seems unfair for her not to know

Show quote history

I doubt very much that you want to tell his fiancee for her benefit. Go ahead, but it won't make him dump her, and it won't make him want your baby.

Think long and hard before deciding to continue this pregnancy. A child deserves to be loved and wanted by both parents.

wishingitwasfriday · 27/08/2022 18:07

I'm not sure how to quote people but "wouldloveanother", no I'm not loving this. I actually have nothing to gain for this, no matter how it works out. I do, however, feel that the OP is setting herself up for a life of being second best, always comparing herself to the fiancé. Whilst we probably all expect the fiancé to dump the boyfriend as soon as she knows what's happening, the likelihood is that she'll demand a baby.
I think the OP has sad memories of her miscarriage (and remember she was persuaded to have an abortion before that happened) and this baby is her new start. I do think it's intriguing that she's fallen pregnant by the same person. It hasn't worked out as she wanted as the father wants nothing to do with her or the baby. Whilst I'm sure she will be able to raise the baby herself, there is the age of question of just because you can, does it mean you should?

Wouldloveanother · 27/08/2022 18:23

OP has said absolutely nothing to indicate she wants him or is jealous of her fiancée. Her concerns are entirely practical.

Namechange192727171 · 27/08/2022 18:42

Think long and hard before deciding to continue this pregnancy. A child deserves to be loved and wanted by both parents.

Agree with this. Be VERY careful who you choose to have children with.

In my own experience I was young, he cheated we went through an awful break up, then DD wanted to change her surname, we moved etc. All this whilst parenting, working trying to just juggle life was hard.

It's been 13 years and things have settled for me but it literally took 10 years of him pissing around, not paying maintenance, new girlfriends having other kids etc.

Pointynoseowner · 27/08/2022 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

shiningstar2 · 27/08/2022 19:07

You said it was just a bit of fun .. nice seeing him which doesn't sound as though there was any intention on either side of making a relationship together. And all this happened when he had just broken up with a serious girlfriend. I think you need to be clear with him that you are keeping the baby and will be claiming maintenance. You called his fiance his 'fiance' which suggests you don't really see her as such even though you knew he was seeing her just before you. I wonder if deep down you do still have feelings for him and, maybe unconsciously, hope that a baby would bring you together?
If so I think that as there was no talk of a new relationship with you and you yourself accepted it was a bit of fun and nice seeing him and he went straight back to her ,then she is the one he's going into a relationship with.
I would make sure he understands you will be going for maintenance so the fact he's fathered a child will come out sooner or later. I would give him the opportunity of telling her himself.

hamsterchump · 27/08/2022 19:16

Sushi7 · 27/08/2022 10:06

@Failuretolaunch28 how condescending to call someone a “24 year old girl” as though she is a naive 16 year old school girl. She’s a grown woman.

To be fair OP sounds really young and immature in every reply.

Bubbleguppette · 27/08/2022 20:41

If the child were being put first, in this situation, it would be aborted.

What sort of ridiculous statement is this?
This child will have a loving mother.

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