He doesn't want the baby

[teenytims]

I recently met up again with an old school friend. We 'dated' briefly in school. He had just split with a long term girlfriend due to her wanting to have DC soon, he wanted more free years.

It was just a bit of fun. Was nice seeing him. But I'm pregnant.

I've told him and he says I'm stupid to even consider continuing, but knows he can't stop me.

He says he doesn't want his name mention. To keep his name out of it all and never say on social media that he's the baby's dad

He doesn't want to be associated with me

I know he's got a deposit for a house and wanting to buy soon. He's also announced he's back with the long term girlfriend... and this evening I've just seen on insta, he's proposed to her

What on earth do I do? Do I tell her?

It's all such a mess

Gosh there are some horrific comments on this.

Firstly, OP if you want the baby, have the baby. Plenty of women go it alone by choice. Your baby won't be loved any less because of an absent parent. Being a single parent isn't some horrific sin you should hide from either. It won't be easy, but it is your choice.

Secondly, the father has made it clear he doesn't want involvement. So if you do decide to have baby, you'll have to consider that. At least for now. Yes his view might change but you'll need to accept that it might not. All child baring, raising, care and love will come from you. I wouldn't hide or deny who the father is but equally I wouldn't be running down the street shouting it.

Personally (and I want to make it very clear it would be my personal choice) I'd claim CMS against him but not tell the gf. You are not responsible for his actions, he's an adult, that's his side of life to live. He'll either tell her himself or she'll find out through the grapevine. What he does/doesn't do will tell her more about his character than you can.

Put the child first, he needs to contribute to that, whether he has involvement or not. If he was certain he didn't want children he could have taken steps himself to prevent. I'm tired of hearing entitled men say they don't want children but seem incapable of doing anything about it. Condoms are widely available and abstinence is always an option. I wouldn't get into a car without a seatbelt and then blame the car for throwing me through the windscreen in an accident.

Is there anyone else who you can talk to about this? Look after yourself, pregnancy is emotionally exhausting even in the best of environments Xx

I really hope failuretolaunch doesn’t have a son if they’re not willing to teach them to take responsibility for their own actions.

I can't say that I think the life lessons ol' Failure would impart to any daughter would be much better.

@SmokyQuartz i do have a son actually.. why are people attacking me when others have said the same. I will be teaching my son that if he does not want a child to always use a condom and be extra safe but I will also be teaching my daughter who I have to be extra careful as if she has sex with someone she may end up pregnant but without end up without fatherly support and it could have negative benefits like poorer health, financially unstable life and she may not be able to demand finances from the dad because men can make it difficult to pay so if she is balancing her budgeting on that then she is not prepared. I would always support her in her decision but I would be advising that if she wants the child and knows full well that he doesn’t then she should not be using child maintenance as a financial hold over the gentleman that she slept with.

Sorry to be rude. But it makes me so sad that you are planning to bring a child into this world in such a messy situation.
This poor child's father has no say in the matter so your child will grow up wondering why he doesn't care or doesn't even know him. If he decides to step up, it's always going to be dramatic as he clearly doesn't want you.
You are already using this information against him in a toxic way of telling the fiancé when it isn't your place to,

It isn't about you. Or him. Or the fiancé. It's about the life of a little innocent baby.

If you are hoping that by telling her he comes running back to you and declares his undying love and then you’ll both live happily ever after then don’t bank on it.

if you know you are on your own here and can manage then go for it but it’s not your place to tell her.

definitely put a claim in for maintenance however for him to be on the birth certificate he needs to actually be with you to register the baby.

Agree with all of this ^

I would be advising that if she wants the child and knows full well that he doesn’t then she should not be using child maintenance as a financial hold over the gentleman that she slept with.

This is completely arse about face and shows how incapable you are of prioritising the child.

CM is about supporting the child's physical needs. It's a state-set percentage of his income, so it lowers if his salary drops and isn't controlled by the mother, and it's there to support his own child.
It is absolutely fuck all to do with being a "financial hold" over the man and it's appalling to think it is. It isn't about him, it's about the child he co-created.

I dunno. If a man has managed to get the same woman pregnant twice he might just have to get used to being a dad.

well i’ll be damned. You were right!

What will you do if he comes clean to his girlfriend, and they decide to stay together and have contact with your baby? And then you have this newly married couple playing happy families with your baby every weekend?

Would you be comfortable with that as an outcome?

I’m not feeling sympathy towards a man who has got the same women pregnant twice and then is now crying about how unfair it is.
Op please be aware you will be raising your child alone and that is no easy option. Only you can decide whether to continue with the pregnancy but I would definitely claim CMS. Would I tell the girlfriend? Probably not but I would tell my friends and family who the father is definitely. Let the waste of space father sort his own affairs out.
Also stay away from him, he is very bad news.
If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy I would tell him so he can decide what he wants to do, but the ball is in your court.

@teenytims if you weren’t using contraception then it sounds like you intentionally tried (and succeeded) to get pregnant. Although he should’ve worn condoms. Do you resent him for encouraging you to get an abortion when you were a teen? If you want to continue with the pregnancy then you should tell your ex’s gf/fiancé after your 12 week scan. She deserves to know before she makes the decision to marry this man.

Good point by Zealandadour you need to think about that.

I would want to know if my partner had got someone else pregnant so I would tell her.
Do not expect anything from him. If they split up he isn't going to come back and play happy families with you, he will resent you even more for telling her.
He's made his intentions crystal clear, it's highly unlikely that he will have a change of heart and want to be involved with your baby.
You can't put him on the birth certificate unless he attends with you because you are not married. You can't force him to be on the birth certificate and you can't force him to be involved. The only thing you can do is claim child maintenance.

I say all this from experience. Although I was in a relationship with DS father but he left and had intermittent contact for a few years before cutting off all contact. You can't force a man to be dad, unfortunately they have the right to walk away and pretend you and your child don't exist.

I am entitled to my opinions and I think @SmokyQuartz and @ReneBumsWombats have got nothing better to do now than harass me for my opinions. They aren’t even helping OP anymore apart from encouraging a 24 year old girl to have a baby with a man who has basically rejected her and said look this woman who I am engaged to is who I want to do these things with and I don’t want a child with you. It was a one night stand and if at 24 OP wants to keep the baby she should but she should manage the expenses.

other posters have said the same and other posters have encouraged her to terminate. I have never said anything about terminating
the baby, I just said she should think about forcing financial support and she shouldn’t expect it. My original post as it said basically just stated my opinion of why I think it is wrong for women to group together and throw down the “get maintenance” route. No one has asked OP if she has family support or a good job or anything like.. it’s straight to get maintenance and make him pay.

people saying it should be all about the child but it’s not when you are knowingly having a child that is going to be shunned by his other parent. I could not live with myself knowing my son or daughter were not wanted by their other parent.

now I’m done responding because you two are really hitting a grievance with me and not other posters so back the hell off.

@Failuretolaunch28 how condescending to call someone a “24 year old girl” as though she is a naive 16 year old school girl. She’s a grown woman.

Also even though we had been together many years we still had a discussion about whether we felt it was the right time to have our first baby and we contemplated the idea of terminating together and if I knew I would be bringing a baby into hardship and was not going to be fully supported with the other parent I would not have gone through with it.

luckily I had the support from dad and it was a bloody good thing too as I was painfully unwell in my 1st pregnancy and my son was unwell in my 2nd pregnancy but money wouldn’t have changed any of that.. support would.

This is a very good point.

@Sushi7 i did not mean it to be condescending I got pregnant with my 1st at 24 and like I just in my previous post I have been with dad for a lot of years before this and he was fully supportive but we still discussed it not being the right time even though we had bought our first home and had 2 good jobs.

I didn’t mean to indicate she was a 16 year old girl as I know 24 is not a teenager anymore but it is bordering on young adult.

You're hilarious. On the one hand you complain about encouraging a woman to have a child by an absent father (I haven't, I've just acknowledged OP's right to choose). And on the other, you actively champion men being absent fathers.

So in your world:

• men should be allowed to opt out of any parental support for their own children

• termination is an injustice against men that should be righted with said option to abandon one's own children

• it's fairer for taxpayers to pay for a man's child, or for the child to be impoverished, than for him to make any contribution if he doesn't want to

• CM is also an injustice against men and exists as a "financial hold" over them, no other reason

• women are wrong to have children by absent fathers but it's absolutely fine to be an absent, and non-paying, father

• anyone who argues against all this is "harassing" you.

Failure to launch indeed.

why I think it is wrong for women to group together and throw down the “get maintenance” route. No one has asked OP if she has family support or a good job or anything like.. it’s straight to get maintenance and make him pay.

Of course he should pay. It's his child. Whether OP can afford it alone or not is not relevant. Parents should support their children one way or another. If he's not going to have any kind of relationship, he at least pays some amount. You may think that a man should have a right to procreate without any consequence but the law disagrees.

And I'm not even going to go into why you get angry about the idea of women "grouping together"...

The OP has decided to continue with the pregnancy - she’s 11 weeks already! No one should be encouraging her to terminate, no one at all.
she asked advice on whether to tell the now fiancé, and herself acknowledged the mess she’s in. Then has been berated, implied she ‘trapped’ him, called a homewrecker and jealous.
she was dating him fgs! He’s got her pregnant then run back to his ex with his tail between his legs leaving the OP to make the hardest decision of her life.
For whatever reasons, all valid, OP is having this baby and has come to that decision knowing she will not get emotional or physical support from the father (which he is whether he likes it or not) she’s obviously willing to be a single parent. So people should stop condescending her and suggesting abortion.

if I were the Now fiancé I would want to know, especially considering the reasons for the initial break-up. The man in question is the one in the wrong, he’s the one in the biggest mess and he doesn’t get to pretend it hasn’t happened.

If the child were being put first, in this situation, it would be aborted.

@SmokyQuartz i think someone needs to reread the original post before attacking my
posts.. she was dating him when she was 16 not present day.

present day she slept with him after a random hook up and has now found out that he has gone back to his ex who he was in a long term relationship with and got proposed to her and is now looking at buying a house. She is basically the scorned woman and the only hold on this man that she clearly has feelings for is the baby.

the other woman is going to be devastated that their first house, their engagement, their wedding and their honeymoon will be their only firsts together because there is a woman 1.5 hours away who has his first child.

My mistake. But Regardless of whether they were fwb or just a one night stand the rest of my post still stands. He’s going to be a father whether he’s involved in that child’s life or not. He needs to financially support the child until it’s at least 18 years old. If he had any morals he would at the very least acknowledge the situation