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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

He doesn't want the baby

193 replies

teenytims · 26/08/2022 19:46

I recently met up again with an old school friend. We 'dated' briefly in school. He had just split with a long term girlfriend due to her wanting to have DC soon, he wanted more free years.

It was just a bit of fun. Was nice seeing him. But I'm pregnant.

I've told him and he says I'm stupid to even consider continuing, but knows he can't stop me.

He says he doesn't want his name mention. To keep his name out of it all and never say on social media that he's the baby's dad

He doesn't want to be associated with me

I know he's got a deposit for a house and wanting to buy soon. He's also announced he's back with the long term girlfriend... and this evening I've just seen on insta, he's proposed to her

What on earth do I do? Do I tell her?

It's all such a mess

OP posts:
StampOnTheGround · 26/08/2022 22:58

Are some pp seriously saying that he shouldn't contribute financially because he doesn't want the baby? He knew what the outcome could be, it takes 2 to make a baby, whether he wants it or not his actions helped create one and he is responsible even if he doesn't want to physically be there.

BeanieTeen · 26/08/2022 22:59

It's incredibly unlucky to get pregnant using "the injection". It's almost 100%.

By the same guy that got you pregnant last time no less. He must have some first grade sperm.

Herejustforthisone · 26/08/2022 23:08

What a sad mess.

BeanieTeen · 26/08/2022 23:17

What a sad mess.

Indeed. I think if I was in that situation and I made the decision to keep the baby, I’d be fully focussed on how I was going to manage on my own and trying to make plans and get organised. My brain would be busy with that, I wouldn’t be giving the baby’s father’s fiancée much thought as selfish as that sounds. Seems odd to be overly focussed on that in my opinion.

Failuretolaunch28 · 26/08/2022 23:17

@ReneBumsWombats i am a woman so mother of my children.. still have my morals and I would never force a man to pay for a child that I birthed out of choice but knew he did not want. My right is my right to keep the baby he should have his right to not want to be financially tied to a one night stand! 😡

CourtneeLuv · 26/08/2022 23:37

Failuretolaunch28 · 26/08/2022 20:39

Why should he have to pay for a baby that he openly says he has no interest in claiming or acknowledging the child. I hate that women are all get maintenance.. so your using your body as leverage to have a child who is not 100% wanted and then trying to gain financial support as a result from the other party who literally has said from day one that he doesn’t want a child with you.

on moral grounds in my opinion I do not agree with it and I think it is poor behaviour.

Yep this.

The insistence on wanting to tell the fiance smacks of jealousy that he's chosen that life with her and op wants to throw a spanner in the works.

I personally think if you choose to continue with a pregnancy when the father had told you he wants nothing to do with it, the financial responsibility should be on you.

Op sounds like a jealous homewrecker tbh.

Why would you want to bring a baby into this fuck up of a situation? Hej it isn't wanted by us parent? It's selfish, and not in the baby's best interests imo. I've seen so many fucked up people because they've been abandoned by a parent, most have drink or promiscuity issues.

Abort and have a baby with someone that wants one with you op.

CourtneeLuv · 26/08/2022 23:45

I wonder what the responses would be if someone posted that they'd hunted down an ex, slept with them, purported to be pregnant, fucked up their life with their fiance and then had a 'miscarriage'.

excelledyourself · 26/08/2022 23:55

If this is true, don't bring a baby into this fucked-enough-as-it-is world, knowing they have to be secret/problematic

hamsterchump · 26/08/2022 23:57

teenytims · 26/08/2022 19:46

I recently met up again with an old school friend. We 'dated' briefly in school. He had just split with a long term girlfriend due to her wanting to have DC soon, he wanted more free years.

It was just a bit of fun. Was nice seeing him. But I'm pregnant.

I've told him and he says I'm stupid to even consider continuing, but knows he can't stop me.

He says he doesn't want his name mention. To keep his name out of it all and never say on social media that he's the baby's dad

He doesn't want to be associated with me

I know he's got a deposit for a house and wanting to buy soon. He's also announced he's back with the long term girlfriend... and this evening I've just seen on insta, he's proposed to her

What on earth do I do? Do I tell her?

It's all such a mess

How old are you OP? You sound very young. What's your living and working situation like?

You should think hard about what your life will be like raising a baby alone without a partner or co parent. You should assume you will have to do everything completely alone and make your decision on that basis.

I'm saying this because your replies make it sound like you're trying to rectify the sad situation from before and that you might believe that you will be able to get this man back if you have the baby and tell his fiancee. I think that's very unlikely, sadly it doesn't sound like he has any interest in raising the child or being in a relationship with you. You might think that when he sees the baby he will change his mind about everything and be overcome and want to raise it with you, again I think this is very unlikely and you should not rely on it.

You'll get a lot of cheerleading here but no one here will actually be able to help you practically so you have to make your own decision, find out what you'll be entitled to with a baby and how you'll manage and go into it with your eyes open.

Itsnottheendoftheworldisit · 27/08/2022 00:15

Failuretolaunch28 · 26/08/2022 23:17

@ReneBumsWombats i am a woman so mother of my children.. still have my morals and I would never force a man to pay for a child that I birthed out of choice but knew he did not want. My right is my right to keep the baby he should have his right to not want to be financially tied to a one night stand! 😡

Agree completely.

orangehour · 27/08/2022 01:06

It always surprises me on these threads how many women worry about the well-being of the man and destroying his life or some other garbage. Men who don’t want children can and should take their own precautions. And I refuse to see your baby as just some expense or inconvenience to a man. Congratulations on this wanted baby - there are many ways to come into the world and many types of families, and if a baby is loved and wanted by someone, then that arrival is a beautiful thing, and the baby’s life will be full of hope and possibilities.

if I were the girlfriend, a surprise pregnancy from consensual sexual contact during a broken up period would not cause me to break up with a man. But if he couldn’t accept and roll with the twists and turns of life, and if he showed callous disregard for a woman who he had enjoyed sexual pleasure with, and if he asked someone to abort a pregnancy for his own convenience, I would not marry that man. He sounds like a sad, dried up soul to be honest.

Kerrrmieee · 27/08/2022 01:11

So you want to keep the baby.

Have the baby. Get CMS from him.

Unless you are feeling vindictive it's up to him to tell his fiance, or do you want to ruin their relationship?

It will all come out eventually.

Keep your high, keep yourself well, ignore their lives.

Blackmetalmama · 27/08/2022 01:41

CourtneeLuv · 26/08/2022 23:37

Yep this.

The insistence on wanting to tell the fiance smacks of jealousy that he's chosen that life with her and op wants to throw a spanner in the works.

I personally think if you choose to continue with a pregnancy when the father had told you he wants nothing to do with it, the financial responsibility should be on you.

Op sounds like a jealous homewrecker tbh.

Why would you want to bring a baby into this fuck up of a situation? Hej it isn't wanted by us parent? It's selfish, and not in the baby's best interests imo. I've seen so many fucked up people because they've been abandoned by a parent, most have drink or promiscuity issues.

Abort and have a baby with someone that wants one with you op.

Show quote history

This all the way!

It's not fair at all on the child to be born into this mess that you created. Unwanted from the moment it was conceived. Any child deserves better.

And how likely that you got pregnant using contraception by the same man who got you pregnant at 16? Hmmm.

orangehour · 27/08/2022 02:07

A jealous home wrecker??? What century is this?

PeloAddict · 27/08/2022 02:22

GlueyMooey · 26/08/2022 22:57

It's incredibly unlucky to get pregnant using "the injection". It's almost 100%.

It does happen. I got pregnant on the pill (didn't miss any) and he used a condom

Rainbowqueeen · 27/08/2022 02:33

Are you sure he was split from his girlfriend when you had sex with him?? The way he is behaving now makes me think that they had not split and that he had an affair with you

I would tell his fiancé. I would want to know in her shoes. This has huge implications for her and she deserves to be able to decide her future while knowing this information.

He does not deserve your consideration or sensitivity. He had sex without a condom and expects you to refuse to name him as the baby’s father. That’s a huge pressure on you, at a very vulnerable time. He probably also doesn’t want you to claim cms.
I would think very carefully about whether or not to continue with the pregnancy and seek sone counselling. Then make decisions based on what is best for you, not this guy.

stayinghometoday · 27/08/2022 05:28

I'm pro choice. If you want to keep the baby, keep the baby.

Fuck him. He abandoned you and the pregnancy/future child. Don't keep it a secret. Tell all your friends and family. Put in a claim for CMS.

I'm on the fence if you should tell her directly. I'm inclined to say yes after the 20 week scan. You want to know in future if your child will have half siblings before they start dating each other 16 years later.... don't further interfere in their relationship. That's their business. You shouldn't want this man anymore anyway.

BloodyCamping · 27/08/2022 05:51

Failuretolaunch28 · 26/08/2022 20:39

Why should he have to pay for a baby that he openly says he has no interest in claiming or acknowledging the child. I hate that women are all get maintenance.. so your using your body as leverage to have a child who is not 100% wanted and then trying to gain financial support as a result from the other party who literally has said from day one that he doesn’t want a child with you.

on moral grounds in my opinion I do not agree with it and I think it is poor behaviour.

🤣 he had sex, he knew there was a risk of pregnancy, he still chose to have sex. He already made his choice and now it’s OPs turn to make her choice.

Original poster
teenytims · 27/08/2022 06:30

Namechange192727171 · 26/08/2022 20:42

How old are you both now OP?

We are both 24

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 27/08/2022 06:30

Failuretolaunch28 · 26/08/2022 23:17

@ReneBumsWombats i am a woman so mother of my children.. still have my morals and I would never force a man to pay for a child that I birthed out of choice but knew he did not want. My right is my right to keep the baby he should have his right to not want to be financially tied to a one night stand! 😡

Right, right....

There is nothing morally righteous about opting out of all responsibility when a child has arrived. And there is certainly nothing morally righteous about thinking there is, or about prioritising a man's desire for consequence-free sex over parental responsibility.

I hate to think what life experience caused you to think there is but maybe your love of films that portray useless men as lovable rogues who just need the love of a good woman has something to do with it.

WhatNoRaisins · 27/08/2022 06:33

I'd tell the fiance given that there are a lot of women don't want to marry men who already have children or become stepmothers. It would also be really bad for your child to be treated like a dirty secret in the long run. Better to be open from the start.

Original poster
teenytims · 27/08/2022 06:39

BogOffTraceyBeaker · 26/08/2022 22:39

If a man was upfront as he was and then I got pregnant and he again said it wasn’t for him I would respect his decision. I wouldn’t tell his partner. I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate

Why? Doesn't the baby deserve to have his father acknowledged?

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 27/08/2022 06:40

CourtneeLuv · 26/08/2022 23:45

I wonder what the responses would be if someone posted that they'd hunted down an ex, slept with them, purported to be pregnant, fucked up their life with their fiance and then had a 'miscarriage'.

Dunno. When we have a thread like that we can see. At the moment, we've got a real pregnancy going on with every chance of going to term, so what's the relevance?

GiltEdges · 27/08/2022 06:42

Well honestly OP, in your shoes I think it’s madness to continue with this pregnancy when you’re still so young and saddle yourself with a connection to this deadbeat for the rest of your life.

But that said, if you’re completely set on having the baby then think really long and hard about involving him at all, particularly when he’s currently unwilling. How would you feel if years down the line you end up having to wave your child off for 50% of the time to live with him and his girlfriend and accept his involvement in every parenting decision you want to make, for example?

Making his girlfriend aware of the current situation shouldn’t even factor into your thinking.

greenerfingers · 27/08/2022 06:50

Last PP makes good points regarding 50% childcare in future etc by putting him on the birth certificate. People change their minds, later on he may claim for such and how would you feel?

Disagree with most the posters on here and say most definitely tell the girlfriend.

  1. she isn't his wife yet so she still has time to make decisions without such big ramifications (divorce etc if it really bothers her later),
  2. you did nothing wrong so if it's something she can't handle then she has that choice and knows it wasn't cheating,
  3. your future child deserves to know who his/her dad is without having to hide it or be brushed under the carpet like a dirty secret,
  4. if he didn't learn his lesson at 16 then that's his problem. You can't keep aborting children because he doesn't cover his own back. The emotional turmoil of an unwanted abortion is no small thing. And you'd be the one stuck dealing with it and having guilt/regrets etc.

In your position if I went ahead and kept the baby, I'd let it be known who the father is (I always feel for people trying to figure out their parentage in adulthood when it could easily have been avoided), I'd tell the girlfriend the situation and that you have/ don't have any expectations of him, and I would sit down and have a long and hard think whether I'd want him on the birth certificate if it means he could later have 50% control of my parenting. Personally I probably wouldn't add him especially as he doesn't want to be on it, but then make sure you're financially stable and able to provide for this child alone.