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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

He doesn't want the baby

193 replies

teenytims · 26/08/2022 19:46

I recently met up again with an old school friend. We 'dated' briefly in school. He had just split with a long term girlfriend due to her wanting to have DC soon, he wanted more free years.

It was just a bit of fun. Was nice seeing him. But I'm pregnant.

I've told him and he says I'm stupid to even consider continuing, but knows he can't stop me.

He says he doesn't want his name mention. To keep his name out of it all and never say on social media that he's the baby's dad

He doesn't want to be associated with me

I know he's got a deposit for a house and wanting to buy soon. He's also announced he's back with the long term girlfriend... and this evening I've just seen on insta, he's proposed to her

What on earth do I do? Do I tell her?

It's all such a mess

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 26/08/2022 21:13

Failuretolaunch28 · 26/08/2022 21:06

I think you’ll find my username is the film 😂 and I’ve got two children who wanted by both mum and dad and we both provide for them.. and yes morally I don’t think it is right to bring a child into the world when the dad does not want them and then expect payment from that person.

also they got pregnant with each other before and he asked her to abort so why did she expect another outcome. The GF has not done anything either, he didn’t cheat so why are you going to wreck his relationship when he didn’t cheat and he was upfront with you.

I don't care where your username comes from but bloody hell does it suit you. Nor do I care about your fantasy life.

Your "morals" are merely outraged misogyny, rooted in your impotent fury because this is something men don't get to control.

A woman's body and decision whether to abort or not is between her and her doctor. Don't like it? Continue failing to launch.

Wouldloveanother · 26/08/2022 21:19

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2022 20:23

OP refers to his “long term girlfriend”, they split up and have now got back together. He’s saved up a deposit for them and they’re engaged. He sounds pretty committed to his fiancé.

And a lot of people don’t think of an early pregnancy as their flesh and blood, not least if it was the result of a casual shag.

But you know that if you even read the opening post…

Show quote history

Nah. Sounds like the deposit is very much for him rather than a commitment to the ex. Then goes shagging OP, gets her pregnant and does want to tell her? Doesn’t sound committed to me.

Wouldloveanother · 26/08/2022 21:19

*doesnt

SpudsIluv · 26/08/2022 21:23

Sounds like you want to sabotage his relationship.

Wouldloveanother · 26/08/2022 21:24

SpudsIluv · 26/08/2022 21:23

Sounds like you want to sabotage his relationship.

No, he did that.

Carreterra · 26/08/2022 21:25

@teenytims
OP, if you need support please contact the LIFE organisation, (Pregnancy Matters) they can offer support emotionally, things you need for your baby and even housing. Their number is 0808 802 5433. I have not read the full thread, but good for you for deciding to go ahead with the pregnancy, best wishes Flowers

BeanieTeen · 26/08/2022 21:26

Your "morals" are merely outraged misogyny, rooted in your impotent fury because this is something men don't get to control.

Indeed. If they want more control maybe they could put more effort and focus into male contraceptives. You have sex with a woman, you risk paying child maintenance. Condoms aren’t always effective. And let’s be honest, men are often pretty happy to go ahead without one. A male contraceptive pill or injection could add extra cover. But I don’t see huge demand and push for that sort of thing. So until there is, I definitely wouldn’t waste my time pitying any man who got themselves into this situation. If both men and women were using contraception at the same time there would be a lot less accidental pregnancies for sure.

Wouldloveanother · 26/08/2022 21:29

If men want a guarantee of no pregnancy, they should have a vasectomy and get it reversed when they meet somebody they want to settle down with, otherwise freeze their sperm. It’s not that taxing when you consider we go through 30+ years of periods, pregnancy, childbirth, smears… yet it’ll shock people because the concept of men taking responsibility for their bodies is so alien.

Failuretolaunch28 · 26/08/2022 21:33

@ReneBumsWombats yeah there is absolutely nothing fantasy about my life. That is what it is.. we both work full time and provide for our children and we had discussions about procreating first.

i’m not suggesting women cannot be single parents or anything like that and I’m not saying that they need to be forced into abortion. I’m merely saying that expecting the man to pick up the expenses when he has been upfront and said he doesn’t want the child and does not want to be acknowledged as the father is out of order.

I feel for the poor woman who is basically have her engagement and dreams of buying their first home ruined. I also believe as other posters have said OP is clearly jealous of the girlfriend/fiancée as why would she feel the need to mention he has a deposit for a house and he has proposed, somebody doesn’t like the fact that he has chosen someone else to do all this with so is being spiteful.

newbiename · 26/08/2022 21:35

Why don't people read the OP's posts ?
She was on the injection.

Wouldloveanother · 26/08/2022 21:37

I feel for the poor woman who is basically have her engagement and dreams of buying their first home ruined by her fiancé who shagged about when they were split and got another woman pregnant and is now lying to her.

CrystalCoco · 26/08/2022 21:52

Do whatever your gut is telling you to do, there's no right or wrong here that I can see.

If I was the fiancee I'd like to know - but I know how awkward a conversation that could be for you - and really it's on him to tell her.

And as far as DNA before the baby is born, F that, he can wait till little one arrives.

I wish you well in whatever you decide to do and whatever comes next x

Lavendersummer · 26/08/2022 21:56

He is a selfish idiot and no man.
Have your baby. That’s a perfectly good decision.
I would definitely ask for maintenance.
Telling his fiancé- I rather think that’s his job.
Approach him for maintenance- if you can I would use a solicitor - and then you won’t be blamed for anything that happens between his fiancée and him

Zilla1 · 26/08/2022 22:00

HNRTT but why would it have the poor woman's engagement and dreams of buying a house ruined if they had split up as he said, though if he were lying ...

tootiredtoocare · 26/08/2022 22:03

You're not responsible for telling his girlfriend. He is. You shouldn't make it public knowledge either though. If you want him to take responsibility for the child, then go through the legal routes for that, but it's your business, and his, and no one else's.

bringbackveronicamars · 26/08/2022 22:06

If you've decided to go through with the pregnancy and have and keep the baby, I would make it clear you will expect him to support his child, It's not just on you that your birth control failed; he took the risk, too.

If he is difficult, I would tell his fiancee, tbh. Surely she wouldn't want to tie herself to someone who wouldn't support his own child.

SmokyQuartz · 26/08/2022 22:14

If I were the fiancé in this situation I’d bloody well hope someone told me so I could make my own decision about what I’d like to do! Which would be to dump the loser who not only knocked someone else up but isn’t acknowledging or taking responsibility for it

OP although I think your motives for wanting to tell her aren’t altruistic, I think the right thing to do would be to find some way of letting her know. He’s obviously going to continue lying.

Ottersmith · 26/08/2022 22:14

I honestly think people who don't use a condom must secretly want to make a baby, especially when they've been caught out before. Just so stupid. He can't be surprised.

SmokyQuartz · 26/08/2022 22:15

Also don’t lie about who the father is if asked! You’ve done nothing to be ashamed of, and neither has your baby. Don’t make them a dirty secret.

ReneBumsWombats · 26/08/2022 22:15

I’m merely saying that expecting the man to pick up the expenses when he has been upfront and said he doesn’t want the child and does not want to be acknowledged as the father is out of order.

Good God, just stop advertising the fact that you think men should be allowed to opt out of any responsibility for their own children.

The fact that women get to decide what happens to their own bodies regarding pregnancy and labour has fuck all to do with it. Your choice of risk came earlier when you failed to launch.

If you're worried that we aren't sure of what kind of "man" you are, fear not, we do. And it's weak, pathetic and contemptible. If you really are a father, that only makes it worse.

Jellybean23 · 26/08/2022 22:34

Are you hoping the baby will somehow force this man to make his future with you? It's not going to happen. He's distancing himself from you as much as he possibly can and already regrets his fling.

Be prepared for a tough life if you keep the baby. Work on the assumption the you will raise the child totally on your own. How will you support yourself and your child? What about childcare when you return to work. Can you afford housing and bills on your salary? Are you prepared for your social life to be curtailed?

The baby isn't a bargaining chip to give you a hold over this man. Be sure you want to keep the baby for the right reasons.

BogOffTraceyBeaker · 26/08/2022 22:39

If a man was upfront as he was and then I got pregnant and he again said it wasn’t for him I would respect his decision. I wouldn’t tell his partner. I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate

IWasFunBeforeMum · 26/08/2022 22:49

Why is everyone saying don't tell her!

hattie43 · 26/08/2022 22:54

This is a totally horrible situation and OP you seem careless to get pregnant twice by a man who isn't committed to you or the child .

It's not fair on a baby who comes into the world without an involved or interested dad

You will ruin his fiancés life with your revelation

I even have some sympathy for the guy who goes out to have some fun and ends up with a lifetime of financial commitment.

GlueyMooey · 26/08/2022 22:57

It's incredibly unlucky to get pregnant using "the injection". It's almost 100%.