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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

He doesn't want the baby

193 replies

teenytims · 26/08/2022 19:46

I recently met up again with an old school friend. We 'dated' briefly in school. He had just split with a long term girlfriend due to her wanting to have DC soon, he wanted more free years.

It was just a bit of fun. Was nice seeing him. But I'm pregnant.

I've told him and he says I'm stupid to even consider continuing, but knows he can't stop me.

He says he doesn't want his name mention. To keep his name out of it all and never say on social media that he's the baby's dad

He doesn't want to be associated with me

I know he's got a deposit for a house and wanting to buy soon. He's also announced he's back with the long term girlfriend... and this evening I've just seen on insta, he's proposed to her

What on earth do I do? Do I tell her?

It's all such a mess

OP posts:
Sunbun19 · 26/08/2022 20:02

How far along are you op?

Original poster
teenytims · 26/08/2022 20:03

Thank you

Can he ask for a DNA test via amniocenteses before baby is born? Or am I fine to just insist he can have a dna test, but after baby arrives?

He hasn't asked for one but I'm assuming that's something you'd want to have as a man?

OP posts:
Original poster
teenytims · 26/08/2022 20:03

Sunbun19 · 26/08/2022 20:02

How far along are you op?

11 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
teenytims · 26/08/2022 20:03

*11

OP posts:
Wouldloveanother · 26/08/2022 20:03

You can absolutely wait until the baby is born, you don’t need to undergo anything invasive for him.

Malie · 26/08/2022 20:06

I have no time for these incredibly selfish men who want a ‘bit of fun’ without taking any responsibility. He is responsible for the baby and should contribute towards its care. Very inconvenient for him I know as he wants to live his own life and leave you with the hurt / responsibility.

Wouldloveanother · 26/08/2022 20:07

Also if you live in the same area and he ends up having kids with his new wife, your child could grow up alongside half siblings without knowing it, which could lead to all kinds of problems.

Okeydoky · 26/08/2022 20:08

No, he can't force an antenatal DNA test. But he can request one once baby arrives

Sunbun19 · 26/08/2022 20:08

I would just keep it to myself until someone asked me and then be totally honest...

"It's (guys name)'s baby, he doesn't want to be involved though"

If it's a small community and people know each other his gf is going to find out eventually and then it's up to him to sort it out

AliceW89 · 26/08/2022 20:08

Keep the baby, if that’s what you want. It wouldn’t be the choice I’d make in your situation, but you must do what is right for you.

I agree with a PP. I wouldn’t directly tell the fiancée - their relationship is none of your business and you’ll inevitably come out looking like the bad guy. But I’d make it clear to him you plan on claiming CMS and that he can use that information how he sees fit. Good luck hiding that forever.

tkwal · 26/08/2022 20:09

Don't tell his fi. ancee (he said) they were on a break. If you continue with the pregnancy you can pursue him for child maintenance but you can't name him on the birth certificate without his consent.. would you be willing to consider adoption ? Or do you want to just move on with your life ?. You have so much to consider and you need to be honest with yourself (Hard enough without battling all the hormones.)

I really don't think there's anything to be gained in this case by "getting revenge" for his shameful behaviour. Take it as a hard lesson learned

TheWayoftheLeaf · 26/08/2022 20:09

Sounds like you're his worst nightmare incarnate. Pregnant with a child he doesn't want, willing to tell everyone you went to school with and his fiancé even though he doesn't want children.

Original poster
teenytims · 26/08/2022 20:11

TheWayoftheLeaf · 26/08/2022 20:09

Sounds like you're his worst nightmare incarnate. Pregnant with a child he doesn't want, willing to tell everyone you went to school with and his fiancé even though he doesn't want children.

He does want children but in 5+ years

OP posts:
drpet49 · 26/08/2022 20:11

Bear in mind he may well change his mind later down the line and decide he wants to share custody etc.

Skelligsfeathers · 26/08/2022 20:12

I just don't understand why you would want to have a baby with someone you don't live, you're not in a relationship with, who has made it clear that they will not step up and who is with someone else.
I would think any baby would deserve better.

I also think that by choosing to go ahead, you are choosing stress and drama for yourself.

What will you tell your child when they ask about their father?

lickenchugget · 26/08/2022 20:13

teenytims · 26/08/2022 20:11

He does want children but in 5+ years

Show quote history

He doesn’t want them with you. Harsh but don’t go into this with any ideas he help you at all.

ymemanresu · 26/08/2022 20:13

What an idiot. Tell the fiancée as she needs to know what she's marrying.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2022 20:14

teenytims · 26/08/2022 20:11

He does want children but in 5+ years

Show quote history

And presumably with his future wife who he’ll be married and committee to.

Who was using contraception when you did it recently?

Wouldloveanother · 26/08/2022 20:15

TheWayoftheLeaf · 26/08/2022 20:09

Sounds like you're his worst nightmare incarnate. Pregnant with a child he doesn't want, willing to tell everyone you went to school with and his fiancé even though he doesn't want children.

Is that you Boris?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 26/08/2022 20:15

I kind of agree with Skellig tbh. This will blow up either way. And I think you're using it as a way to heal/process the last abortion you didn't want and that might be making you be unrealistic about what might happen. Can you handle and afford a baby alone?

Although of course if you want the baby you can keep it, but I wouldn't expect much from him in terms of support. Him getting you pregnant twice when he doesn't want a child with you does show he's a bit of an idiot too.

Skelligsfeathers · 26/08/2022 20:17

*love

Wouldloveanother · 26/08/2022 20:17

Look everyone there are a number of very good reasons (outside of spite/home wrecking 🙄) that OP should tell the fiancée.

  1. if he pays CMS as he bloody should, she will probably find out
  2. you don’t want her to find out later and accuse OP of being ‘the other woman’
  3. if their kids grow up in the same area they might not be aware their ‘friend’ or even ‘romantic interest’ is their half sibling - that’s all kinds of wrong
  4. otherwise OP has to keep the dad a water tight secret, never tell any of her friends etc and I think that is an unfair expectation

There are a lot of crap men apologists hanging around tonight.

Wouldloveanother · 26/08/2022 20:18

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2022 20:14

And presumably with his future wife who he’ll be married and committee to.

Who was using contraception when you did it recently?

Show quote history

Yeah right if he can’t commit to his own flesh and blood what makes you think he will commit to his latest girlfriend of 5 minutes?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 26/08/2022 20:19

He doesn’t want them with you. Harsh but don’t go into this with any ideas he help you at all.

Harsh but true. He's made it clear to OP and she should go into it fully anticipating being a lone parent without support from him (aside from financial )

BeanieTeen · 26/08/2022 20:20

Can he ask for a DNA test via amniocenteses before baby is born? Or am I fine to just insist he can have a dna test, but after baby arrives?

Sure he can ask.
But no can pin you down and force you to get it done. Obviously.