He doesn't want the baby

[teenytims]

I recently met up again with an old school friend. We 'dated' briefly in school. He had just split with a long term girlfriend due to her wanting to have DC soon, he wanted more free years.

It was just a bit of fun. Was nice seeing him. But I'm pregnant.

I've told him and he says I'm stupid to even consider continuing, but knows he can't stop me.

He says he doesn't want his name mention. To keep his name out of it all and never say on social media that he's the baby's dad

He doesn't want to be associated with me

I know he's got a deposit for a house and wanting to buy soon. He's also announced he's back with the long term girlfriend... and this evening I've just seen on insta, he's proposed to her

What on earth do I do? Do I tell her?

It's all such a mess

Why? Doesn't the baby deserve to have his father acknowledged?

But he doesn't want to acknowledge it and you know this. So you're bringing a child into this world whose unwanted by its father.

No. As our Failure to Launch who's totally female and associated cheerleaders say, the baby is not the priority. The man's desire for consequence-free sex is the priority and it is morally wrong to put first the child and any parental responsibility - even a finite number of years of minimal payments and nothing more.

Because you could choose to terminate, you see. The risks and realities of what an unwanted pregnancy and labour, or an unwanted abortion, could mean for a woman, her body and her health, don't mean anything. Nor does the fact that a man can choose to take control of his own fertility or even opt out entirely if he wants a 0% risk. The only thing that matters is that since you can choose to terminate, a man should be able to choose not even to pay a small amount to his own child once they actually exist.

Men's sex and money first. Children and their mothers last. That's the moral view.

Honestly OP, the entire situation is a mess. It's not your responsibility to tell people in his life what

*what is going on on his life. He didn't cheat on the gf - they separated for a short while. If you told the gf you'd be doing it out of spite and that's not fair on her, she's an innocent party here. Let him tell her in his own time, it won't be a secret forever!

As a side note, you're very young. Please make sure you think this through fully before making a decision

She deserved to know before she agreed to marry him

@ReneBumsWombats oh my god why do you have such a disbelief that I am a woman? Look at my other posts on mumsnet if you don’t believe me..

I have never said I am not pro choice.. I am pro choice for a mother to have a baby at any time that’s fine. I am also pro choice for a man to not be forced into paying maintenance when they have said from day one they don’t want the child. The OP should strap on her big girl boots and raise the baby alone and find the baby alone.

she should also tell the baby who their dad is at a young age and as they live an hour and a half away the child can decide when they are older if they want to find him.

but making the father pay is just wrong as from day one he has no right. As other posters have said he is going to shafted for having a bit of fun. She has options he doesn’t.. not that I think she should abort but she does have a lot more options than him.

I didn’t think you could put a father on the birth certificate without him being present at the registration, unless the mother and father are married? You can’t where I live anyway.

You can't

Why are people saying not to tell her?!
I would 100% want to know this? Esp before marrying someone.

Op personally I would tell her.
This shit blows up either way, now, or in a years time.

Of course carry on with the pregnancy if that's what you want, but he has been very clear on where he stands with this. Sure you can pursue CMS payments but he doesn't want anything to do with this child and he evidently doesn't want people to know you both slept together/to be with you. I'm not sure what you hope to gain by telling people but it won't bring you your happy ending. With the additional history when you were 16 he had sure been foolish and should have thought about potential repercussions before having sex, but you need to think about the reality for you and for the child who will grow up without knowing their father.

They both had choices, but at different stages in the timeline of events. He made his choice about a pregnancy when he ejaculated into the OPs vagina. That was his option and he chose to do it regardless of the risk. OP made her choice when she realised her contraception had failed.

The pregnancy exists, and will soon be a living breathing human who deserves the financial support of the people that created them. Morally they deserve the physical and emotional support too but we all know what men like this are like. HE created this situation and everyone else has to ‘fix’ it for him as he don’t like it.

I wonder if those saying he doesn’t have to pay would feel the same if their husband/partner decided to fuck off and refuse to see/support their kids citing that he didn’t really want them anyway? And how many think it acceptable for their husband/partner to have a child with another woman without their knowledge?

What a mess, poor kid.

Yes. This. Kids deserve to be born into secure, happy, wanted lives. Not ignored by one and used by the other to get over trauma of years before.

Why? Doesn't the baby deserve to have his father acknowledged?

Certainly. But babies deserve many things. You can tell the world he’s the father by all means, tell his fiancé, but I don’t really see how that’s all a priority in your mind right now. How does that help you and your baby? I’m not saying it’s right, but you can’t control how much or little this guy wants to be involved with you.
You’re better off focussing on whether the child is getting all it ‘deserves’ from you. That you can control. How prepared and organised are you for raising this child and being a single mum? Sounds like you’ve just got your head in the clouds being overly focussed on causing family dramas that are going to achieve very little for you and your baby rather than concentrating on real practicalities.

How did you manage to book a Premier Inn when you were 16? You need to be 18 to book a room or stay without a parent/guardian 🤔

Regardless, I agree with @Failuretolaunch28. I can't understand why anyone would want to bring a child into this world who was completely unwanted by one of their parents.

Shafted for a bit of fun, but no one HAS to have sex. It isn't a necessity. If men have sex they must know that there's a possibility it will result in a baby. If he wanted to have sex with anyone, it should have been to the long term girlfriend he broke up with, knowing she wanted DC and he clearly still loved her or he wouldn't have gone back and proposed.

It seems to me that this was more than fun for you, perhaps you were hoping it would turn into a relationship. I’m not going to offer any advice whether you should keep the baby but if at the back of your mind you are thinking that this will keep you close to this man, it won’t.

Think about how you will raise your child totally as a single parent and don’t be under an illusion that he will change his mind. There is an alternative to that scenario -how would you feel if in the future he decided that he did want to see the child and you have to share parenting with him and his wife?

Whether you're a woman or not isn't really the point. The point is that at the point where a child has now been born, you would still prioritise a man's right to consequence-free sex over the child's right to be supported, at least minimally, by their own parents. And you think this is OK because at the point where the child is unformed, the woman might make a choice not to put herself through pregnancy and labour, as if this is a) any kind of comparison and b) at all relevant.

If you think men should be able to opt out, then presumably you think mothers should be entitled to whatever state benefits they require to make up any deficit. I am not bashing benefits at all, I'm happy to pay taxes to support vulnerable people. But I don't follow your logic that it's more morally righteous for taxpayers to pay for someone's child than the child's own father. Unless you think impoverished mothers shouldn't receive benefits, and cold, hungry children are a fair price so that men can have consequence-free sex?

The only reason women have "more options" is because in every other part of life, being the childbearing sex is an enormous disadvantage. Since humans can't change sex and we can't change the way humans reproduce, this is the best way we can make things as fair as possible. Even if a man becomes a father against his will, it can never impact his body and health the way it does a woman. That's why he gets the choice of whether to put a condom on or avoid PIV entirely (and other acts that might result in pregnancy - plenty can't) and she gets the right to decide whether she wants to take the risks, that go as far as death, to her body if she conceives.

That you think this protection of women's health and bodily rights is an injustice against men, and that it ought to be offset by destroying a child's right to minimal parental support is many things, but morally righteous it ain't.

@ReneBumsWombats your last post is clearly trying to get me to change my mind so I am done discussing this with you now. I only responded to you at the times because you attacked my username and also accused me of being a bloke who could not reproduce.. all because I did not agree with your ideals.

I have my opinion.. one of which other people also agree with and you have yours so I’d appreciate it if we leave it at that.

In other words, you have no rebuttal. How could you? But if you wish to leave the discussion, by all means do.

But let me be clear. I know you're not going to change your mind. People who openly prioritise consequence-free sex for men over women's bodily autonomy and children's rights to parental support never do.

What I am hoping, though, is that the silent lurkers watching can take something from it. A greater understanding of how so many people centre men's wants over children's needs and believe it makes them better people.

And that women are not morally wrong to expect the fathers of their children to provide minimal support in the form of a relatively small amount of money for a finite amount of time. Because they are parents.

And that the right to termination isn't an affront to men that requires offsetting at children's cost.

And that when children exist, they take priority.

But he doesn’t want a child with you. He has been using you and doesn’t care about you. If you continue with this pregnancy do it know you will get CM and nothing else from him, no contact or extra money. If he is self employed then I suspect you won’t even get child maintenance. Even if you tell the girl friend none of that will change.

this child will be someone’s grandchild, sibling, niece/nephew and cousin. Why should the OP hide it away in shame when the only one who is doing anything shameful is it’s father? It’s done nothing wrong.

I really hope failuretolaunch doesn’t have a son if they’re not willing to teach them to take responsibility for their own actions.

Oh for the love of Maud, not another one.

For someone who says "It was just a bit of fun," you seem awfully relaxed about being pregnant. Did you plan this?

Please terminate, get some therapy and look for a proper relationship with a committed man next time.

While I’d want to know if my fiancé had another woman pregnant weeks before a proposal it’s also hard as that pregnant woman not to come across as interfering or jealous if you approach the woman to tell her.

I do think it’s likely to blow up in the future if she doesn’t know. So if you do tell her now to save drama in the future you should prepare for some now. If you’re not ready for it then don’t.

And even if you terminate, you still need to tell the guy, because he needs to get the shock of his life about what a close call he just had. He should have used a condom. Anyone who doesn't want pregnancy should be using hormonal birth control AND condoms together. Don't they teach this in school these days?

He is also a complete prat, ESPECIALLY if he made the same mistake once before.