Husband's response to my unexpected pregnancy...

[CD1107]

About 2 weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant, this was unplanned and after I told my husband, his response to me was that he did not want another child. I responded by telling him that I disagreed and we may just have to agree to disagree at that point.

A week went by, in that week, I went to the doctor to look at all the options, including abortion, and the what to do if I was to continue with the pregnancy. There was lots of tears, lots of questions going through my head. I knew in my heart that I did not want to terminate this pregnancy, I just could not bring myself to do this as we really didn't have a real reason to not be able to raise another child together, my husband doesn't want the inconvenience as we already have a 11 and a 12 year old.

I decided that I had to be honest and tell him that I was not able to go through with an abortion. I told him I had been crying about it all week. I told him that even if he got angry with me, he deserved to hear the truth, to avoid any assumptions of what my intentions are, and that I was not able to make that sort of compromise for the sake of peace keeping. To my surprise, he just listened and did not argue with me. I made clear that I was happy to give him more time and space that he needed to take it all in. And then I changed the subject.

It's been another week now, we are both happy but he seems to avoid any conversation regarding the pregnancy. I'm trying to share a little more with him, and even invited him to join me to meet my midwife tomorrow. He said he might be able to join me, depending on his work schedule.

Has anyone been in this kind of situation, where your partner is completely normal but just seems to avoid talking about the pregnancy? My husband doesn't get upset when I talk about it, but he just listens and doesn't give me much of a response either. Why do men respond like this? Is he still in shock? Will he eventually come around?

Just realised I posted on your previous thread. There was no contraception was there. He knew you wanted a third, you knew he didn’t. He didn’t choose to use condoms which was ridiculous and irresponsible but you equally knew he wouldn’t be happy if you got pregnant.

Neither of you should be at all surprised at how this is playing out. Who can say how it’ll end.

It's different for the woman as they have to go through the pain and trauma of abortion or to carry, birth and nurture a newborn.

OMG I agree with @Pumperthepumper , what an awful man and terrible father. One day the older 2 will start asking some tough there will be no reasonable answer to. He made a baby and then abandoned it. Awful

Agree with this and at some point the older kids will look and think wait, how is he just ignoring this kid he made? Buying us Xmas presents, taking us out but choosing to pretend our brother isn't his. Because v they may be teens who resent the screaming baby now but at some point they'll be adults, potentially with kids of their own, the age was will feel less bad they'll see the impact on him.

If he didn't want kids so much he'd abandon one, he should have got the snip

@CookPassBabtridge ·

If I didn't want another child and had no say in the matter then no way would I have come round either then surely you'd have used contraception and if you were adamant than if you had one accidentally you'd probably abandon it, you'd look into long term solutions like a vasectomy or tube tying?

No, sorry, it’s the OP’s pregnancy. She gets to refer to it how she wants. We can’t and shouldn’t police how women talk about their wanted pregnancies for fear of upsetting a woman going through or considering a termination. That’s not on. Are you going to go over to the pregnancy loss boards and tell those women off for talking about the loss of their precious babies, because let’s face it they are likely to be using language about their babies which may not sit well, in your mind, with pro-choice politics?

I’m pro-choice btw.

A person can have no moral objection to abortion but still not feel right about having one themselves. A man who would hold that against his wife is a shitty human being. The man who doesn't see his 3rd child is getting away with it now, while the child is small and doesn't know any better and the older two are self absorbed teens, but the time will come when all 3 kids realise how fucked up their dad's behaviour is!

Imo, threatening they might be a shit father doesn't help men's case here 🙄

It's a very weird and privileged world where one can completely divorce sex & procreation, to the point that not getting a termination is seen as the unthinkable, uncompromising choice. Yet expecting the man to be responsible for his own sperm - yes every time - is seen as unreasonable. Amazing.

Fwiw, we're having a surprise baby in November, our older kids are between 9-17. My dh didn't miss a beat, loves and supports me and all our children. Because he's an adult who understands the responsibilities that come with heterosexual sex, including the one where coercion into a termination is wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm sorry OP and hope things work out for you guys.

I thought this might be the case. Which is why I (and several others) have asked about contraception and why the op hadn't been back to answer. If this is true op then you got exactly what you wished for. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve already stated that this was an unplanned pregnancy, and we are both responsible for this outcome. And if you really need to know, I was not on contraception as I previously had an iud surgically removed as it was embedded in me. I didn’t think that I’d be able to conceive again. I’ve been on the pill but came off it as it messed with my hormones.

Just to be clear though, the question about contraception was not answered because I did not feel it was anybody’s business. It seems to me like it was asked so people can find out who to blame or bash.

And in case anyone was wondering, it does take two people to make a baby. But thank you for coming up with your own explanation as to why I didn’t answer and also bashing me by telling me that I got what I wish for.

What a kind world we live in.

@CD1107 people ask about contraception because if he knows you're not on anything and he's choosing not to take his own precautions there's no sympathy.

If you'd told him you were on the pill, for example, and weren't, there'd be much more sympathy for him.

The type of contraception or lack of, isn't relevant so long as both parties were in full possession of the facts before dtd. But it is also true that if neither of you were using contraception then while this baby might not have been exactly planned, it's hardly a surprise either.
You we're both irresponsible to get in this position when one of you really doesn't want another child, but I guess the one who is most against, should be the one to take control of contraception. If your h wasn't using condoms and knew you weren't on anything then really he's got little grounds for complaint.

It’s not really the same thing is it? And if you read my posts, I wasn’t trying to police the OP’s feelings, I was merely voicing discomfort at an early abortion being referred to as ‘killing a baby’.