Husband's response to my unexpected pregnancy...

[CD1107]

About 2 weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant, this was unplanned and after I told my husband, his response to me was that he did not want another child. I responded by telling him that I disagreed and we may just have to agree to disagree at that point.

A week went by, in that week, I went to the doctor to look at all the options, including abortion, and the what to do if I was to continue with the pregnancy. There was lots of tears, lots of questions going through my head. I knew in my heart that I did not want to terminate this pregnancy, I just could not bring myself to do this as we really didn't have a real reason to not be able to raise another child together, my husband doesn't want the inconvenience as we already have a 11 and a 12 year old.

I decided that I had to be honest and tell him that I was not able to go through with an abortion. I told him I had been crying about it all week. I told him that even if he got angry with me, he deserved to hear the truth, to avoid any assumptions of what my intentions are, and that I was not able to make that sort of compromise for the sake of peace keeping. To my surprise, he just listened and did not argue with me. I made clear that I was happy to give him more time and space that he needed to take it all in. And then I changed the subject.

It's been another week now, we are both happy but he seems to avoid any conversation regarding the pregnancy. I'm trying to share a little more with him, and even invited him to join me to meet my midwife tomorrow. He said he might be able to join me, depending on his work schedule.

Has anyone been in this kind of situation, where your partner is completely normal but just seems to avoid talking about the pregnancy? My husband doesn't get upset when I talk about it, but he just listens and doesn't give me much of a response either. Why do men respond like this? Is he still in shock? Will he eventually come around?

@StillHappy stop putting the boot in for no good reason. The OP clearly does care what her dh thinks and has considered all the options. But the fact is there are only 2 options - to have a baby or have an abortion. She can't bring herself to do the latter and since it would be the OP having to do it, it's entirely reasonable that she puts her own preferences first.
I very much doubt that she's totally thrilled about going back to the baby stage and having to do that with a husband who is clearly not thrilled. But she's making the best of it, getting on and looking at the positives.

I do wish people would stop saying ‘vasectomy’ as if it’s infallible while at the same time acknowledging that other forms of contraception fail. Vasectomies still have a failure rate (I know the result of one such failure - nice person 🤷🏻‍♀️). The only thing a vasectomy has above the only other male contraceptive choice, is that it’s something a man can do preemptively and with a fair assumption of longevity.

NO contraceptive has a 100% success rate. So maybe get off both their cases about how they’ve ended up here? It’s not exactly helpful is it?

It’s not putting the boot in to mention that each decision has consequences. Stop trying to police the thread.

his wife has laid out in absolutely clear terms that his view counts for zero

No, his wife considered the options and has decided she wants to proceed with the pregnancy as is entirely her right.

That's not 'his view counts for nothing'; they both had sex, both have responsibility for the pregnancy & it defies belief that a man ego this point loved his family, would now do a volte-face & decide the marriage is over.

Not in real life he wouldn't.

I'm not trying to suggest that vasectomy or any other form of contraception is infallible. They aren't, but all have to be considered.

When the family is felt to be complete it is reasonable that a permanent method of contraception is considered. In most cases those permanent methods are vasectomy and/or female sterilisation.

Other long term but less permanent methods of all types also have their place and can be up for discussion.

I wouldn't be so quick to say that. I know of two marriages in just our small village that ended due to unexpected last pregnancy (one 3rd, one 4th).

One ex husband has fucked off into the wide blue yonder and doesn't see his family at all. I believe he pays what minimum he can get away with.

The other one will take the older two EOW but refuses so far to have the younger unwanted toddler at all. Goodness knows how that is going is go once the child is old enough to realise what's happening.

@StillHappy I'd love to but unfortunately some posters seem to have forgotten that the OP is distressed, caught between a rock and a hard place and are using this thread to either berate how the OP describes her own situation or to be saying her dh has a legitimate right to leave her and will be consulting solicitors, about something she can't really help without compromising herself!
I mean she could totally do what her husband prefers, but that would mean doing something that isn't right for her. And she's the one who has to do it, not him. She'll be the one who has to live with it afterwards. Abortion is fine if it's truly your choice, but not if it's something you are pressured into. She's not just callously ignoring her dh, or pricking pinholes in a condom - this is an accidental pregnancy.

I don’t get the hand wringing for the man in this situation. He doesn’t want anymore kids ever definitely he needs to take charge of his own fertility.

everybody knows that in the event of a pregnancy the final decision lies with the woman carrying the pregnancy. As it should be.

this is not a surprise.

My DH doesn’t want any more DC. I’m ambivalent. DH is in charge of contraception. If I got fall pregnant DH knows I’m not going to have an abortion. He knows he is no say whatsoever in what decisions I make regarding my body and medical care. Similarly I would never make demands over his fertility and medical decisions.

a persons bodily choices are not subject to a ‘family decision’ my husband never gets to decide that I put up with a pregnancy, or have an abortion or anything. Not ever.

he can choose to stay or go. I can’t see his parents patting him on the back for deserting their grand children.

its a shock, give him time then sit down and talk to eachother. Lay out what you need from him. And discuss future more robust contraception choices.

You say you’re both happy and he’s listening but not adding much. What has he said he’s happy about? Has he said he’s fully on board and that’s why you’re confused by his lack of engagement in chatting about it? It’s not clear.

I just wanted to say I hope you're okay OP. 🤍 There's a lot of bashing on this thread which of course isn't what you asked for.

I read somewhere further up 'she wanted this and he didn't'
If it's failed contraception, then it's not exactly 'wanted' by either party at the time. But obviously as the woman carrying said child, it's easy to feel differently.

I recently found out I'm pregnant with our second child from failed contraception. My DP wasn't happy about it at the time, and said it wasn't the right time for baby no2 but never told me to get rid. It's taken him a while to get his head around it, but ultimately he knew that if this ever happened I wouldn't be able to get rid. He has since spoke about a vasectomy to stop future pregnancies and we only ever wanted two children anyway so that's fine.

What I'm saying OP is you just need to give him time, offer him to come to appointments and scans and hopefully as you grow your bump and he sees baby, he'll start to feel better about it. It must be hard given that your children are older (my DS is 2) it is worth talking to him regularly to see if he is changing how he feels and just baring in mind that if he doesn't change his feelings then it could change your relationship (I'm sure you're aware)

But you're not to blame for this, it was an accident, it happens. You've done the right thing by looking at your options and being open with your husband.

Good luck op

My friend was in your situation. Carried on and assumed her husband would come round.
He didn't.

He left before the child was born.
There's a big age gap and the oldest don't have much to do with the baby. Husband pays child support for all 3 but only sees oldest 2. Currently he's at centreparks with the older ones and his whole extended family and she's at home with the baby. She had to downsize with the divorce, her kids hate the noise of the baby and her oldest has just suggested living with dad when he's doing his GCSEs.

Her career is shot.

Now, I think her husband is an arse. Always have done. However i get it. He was done with babies and as someone who is also done with them I understand the horror of thinking you have to be start again.

My friend isn't morally opposed to abortion and I think this is what did it for her husband. She chose the baby when she didn't have to.

Well, he’s more than an are, he’s a shit father.

Why is he a shit father?

Because he’s totally ignoring his child.

But it's a child he didn't want and was clear about? He's ensuring they're provided for. How is it different to giving a child up for adoption?

Didn't you post about this recently? I remember your kids ages... and you saying you both never used contraception in the last 12 years.

And yet it doesn't sound like he had a vasectomy. DH doesn't want another baby. If contraception failed, I'd be less upset than him. He's having a vasectomy. Because he's a responsible man who knows how to boot have another child.

He's actually a great dad to the two he wanted. In many ways better than my friend who is a bit focused on what things look like on social
media vs actual patenting. He's Involved, engaged, informed. At every parents evening. Doing homework. Manages all extra curricular activities now friend has less time.

However he's compartmentalised- he doesn't see the baby he didn't want as "his" and is able to emotionally manage that. His oldest adore him and frankly I'd be surprised if they don't live with him soon.

Thing is- he was clear to her. Said he felt like this. Said he'd probably leave. She carried on regardless and was recently in tears because she has lovely photos of her oldest ones with their dad as a family and no photos of the baby with her dad. How the hell will she explain this to the child? He doesn't care.

It's such a mess. I think less of both of them.

Because he’s seeing his other two biological children and ignoring the third one. And again, if he really didn’t want a third one he wouldn’t have made it.

No, he made a child and ignores it. He’s a shit father, regardless of how brilliant he is with the other two.

Imagine being that kid! Oh, there’s my dad taking my brothers to the zoo again. Never mind, he didn’t want me so he’s still a great father.

But @Pumperthepumper the PP’s question still stands - how is it different to giving up a child for adoption?

Because he’s still in the lives of his other two children, he’ll see that third kid all the time. I wonder what they do at Christmas?

I don’t understand @Pumperthepumper . Surely there are mothers who have children that they raise and give up another child for adoption, while being in the lives of the children they didn’t give up for adoption. This is surely similar?

Not unless she’s rocking up to a house containing all three of them but only taking two on days out/providing presents for them on birthdays and Christmas/speaking to teachers at parents evening/picking up two from school but not the third and so on.