Husband's response to my unexpected pregnancy...

[CD1107]

About 2 weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant, this was unplanned and after I told my husband, his response to me was that he did not want another child. I responded by telling him that I disagreed and we may just have to agree to disagree at that point.

A week went by, in that week, I went to the doctor to look at all the options, including abortion, and the what to do if I was to continue with the pregnancy. There was lots of tears, lots of questions going through my head. I knew in my heart that I did not want to terminate this pregnancy, I just could not bring myself to do this as we really didn't have a real reason to not be able to raise another child together, my husband doesn't want the inconvenience as we already have a 11 and a 12 year old.

I decided that I had to be honest and tell him that I was not able to go through with an abortion. I told him I had been crying about it all week. I told him that even if he got angry with me, he deserved to hear the truth, to avoid any assumptions of what my intentions are, and that I was not able to make that sort of compromise for the sake of peace keeping. To my surprise, he just listened and did not argue with me. I made clear that I was happy to give him more time and space that he needed to take it all in. And then I changed the subject.

It's been another week now, we are both happy but he seems to avoid any conversation regarding the pregnancy. I'm trying to share a little more with him, and even invited him to join me to meet my midwife tomorrow. He said he might be able to join me, depending on his work schedule.

Has anyone been in this kind of situation, where your partner is completely normal but just seems to avoid talking about the pregnancy? My husband doesn't get upset when I talk about it, but he just listens and doesn't give me much of a response either. Why do men respond like this? Is he still in shock? Will he eventually come around?

Yes she does. As is her decision.

As is correct. He has no choice in the matter. It's ops body ergo the choice is 100% hers alone.

I doubt that. PP is scaremongering. Most men realise that contraception is a 50/50 responsibility and no contraception is 100%. You can’t expect your wife/partner to have an abortion if it fails. His better option would have been a vasectomy if he was adamant he didn’t want more children rather than expecting his wife to go through such a traumatic procedure.

35 years ago I was in exactly your position with an 12 and an 8year old

I said to my husband “I’ve got some bad news”, to which he replied “so have I!”
Im pregnant! I said,
I’ve just been made redundant he said.!!
We thought it was the end of the world, we cried, we were adamant we didn’t want the baby, but after a few short days we knew we could work through it. Instead of it being the end of our world, it was just the beginning of a new world. That 3rd baby is now the father of our three youngest grandchildren who bring us great joy everyday
You will work through it!! Just give it time

To some women it's a baby the second the stick shows a positive result. To others it isn't. Neither is right or wrong. But what is wrong, is lecturing a woman in distress who is talking about how she feels about her pregnancy!

OP, you haven't done anything wrong. He is as much responsible for this pregnancy as you are - contraception sometimes fails and if one person is really adamant that they don't want another baby then they need to sort out sterilisation. Your husband didn't do this - he relied on the contraception, the same as you!
Now the facts are that you are the one who is pregnant - an abortion isn't something that he would be doing and he knows full well that trying to force you into having a medical procedure with permanent consequences against your will would be wrong. So he knows he has no real choice but to accept that you cannot do it.
He's not happy but the fact that you both find yourselves in this situation is as much his fault as yours. He had the sex too!
He would be a total shit to leave you over something you cannot do. But sometimes men are total shits. I'd probably make some contingency plans just in case. But don't let him make you feel guilt over your choice, there are some things that some people just cannot do and it would be wrong for him to hold that against you.

I think you need lots of talking to each other and time to adjust. I hope that if he's been a living husband and dad so far, that this will continue. But don't accept taking in all the responsibility or 'blame'. At some point if he doesn't come around you'll need to be clear that he has to go because your baby deserves better than being ignored or resented.

Sorry I meant to quote PP who said husband would be leaving when baby was born with this reply. Not sure why people take pleasure in putting fear into people clearly going through something.

While I get that you have every right to make this decision - and I 100% support this, I can understand his fear/ambivalence/reticence. I conceived literally the first time we DTD after having twins. That was already one more than I bargained on… I was extremely ill right from the get go, and an ultrasound showed that I had conceived quads. There was no question from my DH or I that we could go through with this and as I had haemorraged while having the twins delivered by c-section, my obstetrician agreed. I didn’t go through with this and have no regrets. My DH feels the same way. It must be awfully disempowering for your DH if he doesn’t want to go through with this. He can’t say anything because he knows that autonomy over your body is your choice and while he loves you, he had other plans for your future together. I suspect that he will become more involved as the pregnancy progresses. I wish you all health, happiness and love.

Is your discomfort over one word used on a thread on the internet which you can
choose to close and to never look at again, more important than the op and her real life distressing situation? Are you really that self-absorbed and self-righteous?

@FredandFloReadyToGo

Perhaps he thought his wife would respect his input more - after all it’s both of their child.

It’s how some people feel about termination. People may not be comfortable with you referring to it as a simple ‘medical procedure’ without acknowledging the repercussions. To each their own.

@MsBallen

The choice is hers ultimately but she could have given him some say in that choice and the fact she hasn’t clearly has shown him she ultimately doesn’t respect what he thinks about it.

I’m afraid I’m firmly in the her body her choice camp. Not having a termination isn’t her betraying her husband or not respecting his input. She went to the GP and discussed all the options, she just can’t bring herself to do so.

Before anyone comes for me, I’m strongly pro choice - the operative word being CHOICE. The insulation of some PP’s that OP should have a termination she doesn’t want and can’t bring herself to have because her husband isn’t happy is frankly appalling.

But it's not ultimately her decision. It's her decision full stop. He doesn't get one and shouldn't. How would that work anyway? His decision is terminate. Hers is keep . They can't both have their own way on it.

Perhaps he thought his wife would respect his input more - after all it’s both of their child.

The thing is there's no way of compromising here - they can talk about it til the cows come home but in the end they either have the baby or don't! His 'input' can't equate to persuading his wife to have an abortion she doesn't want.

Its not an easy thing for either of you. You have hugely differing opinions and overcoming that is the hardest part.
I think you need to respect his space for now but let him know it’s something you’d like to talk about when he’s ready. You do have to talk about it.
My husband and I went for dinner last night after unexpectedly finding out baby no 4 was on the way. We both took a week to digest the news and sat down and expressed both our feelings. Our pros and cons.
Ultimately we decided we had 3 choices….. terminate/ don’t terminate or we wait and see.
We have a history of miscarriage and we went with option 3 and decided to go with the flow and we will deal with the hand we are dealt. He doesn’t want another, I don’t know what I want. I worry how termination would make me feel.
But we are adults and sex makes babies, that’s now on us to work through what’s ahead.

You need to try and do the same whilst both being respectful to each other but at least you might have some clarity about each other’s feelings if you can get him to talk.

Our surprise pregnancy really was a surprise. I was almost 26 weeks when we found out ( lady problems so had no idea) and my partner wouldn't talk about it at al for a couple of weeks.
After that his mindset changed and he just got on with it like he did our other pregnancies.
He's a brilliant dad and often says I can't imagine life without our little princess in it x
It's a shock he will get over it x

i think he’s trying his best OP. I’m sure he envisioned a very different future at this point, with his children quickly becoming far more independent meaning more space in in life for other things over the next decade. And now the future is sleepless nights, nappies, nursery fees, school runs etc. It’s like taking a step backwards. You already have 2 children which he seems very content with. What would a third child add that you don’t already have? His whole outlook on life has been turned upside down and he expressed that to you. Personally I wouldn’t want to bring a child into the world that wasn’t 100% wanted, especially when I already had it so good. Give him time to process it, there’s really nothing else you can do.

Give him some space. He seems like a reasonable person. He needs time to process.

I am a bit overwhelmed with my 3 kids and if my contraception failed and I got pregnant again I would need some weeks to process 😣

I would just like to say that regarding abortion it is YOUR decision, not anybody else's! Not even your husband's, or soul mate or the Pope or wtv. You are the one to live with the consequences. Everyone else can easily walk away......

Good for you seriously. My partner after talking the talk decided when I got pregnant he didn't want the baby and came up with a million excuses. I ended up having an abortion as I could not convince him and it became a vicious relationship he was scared he was shouting and screaming at me he started drinking more.

I never got over my abortion and he would not let me talk about it after I did it. He said what's the point in talking it's over. It killed me and knowing what I know now I would choose my baby over a grown man that can't accept responsibility. Life is hard, there is no easy time to have a baby. I have not had kids now and I'm 32 I'm heartbroken 💔 keep your baby and if your partner leaves he was never worth keeping

@FredandFloReadyToGo
@MsBallen

That is the way you may see it but many women and men would see it as a decision as a married couple where things were weighed up together, yes she has the deciding vote, but they come together and talk about it. That is not how she or you are approaching it.

If you really think applying “my body my choice husband, you don’t get a say” is something that happens in a good relationship in this scenario good luck with that. But that’s not a relationship that will last.

I would lean toward his side if he really can’t come around to the idea (which he may) not because his input is more important (it’s not) but because having an unwanted child in this situation of a stable family seems like a very bad way to bring a child into the world and then you have to think about whether it will end the marriage etc.

I think you're missing that he had a say. She went to the GP and discussed all the options. Ultimately she wasn't able to do it. She doesn't have to terminate her pregnancy because her husband wants her to. Same as he doesn't have to stick around if he doesn't want to. I imagine if he is a decent man able to take responsibility for his own actions (because he also relied on the same contraception as OP) he will come around. He sounds like he just needs time OP.

For all the people suggesting ignoring his opinion on the matter and 'you will work it through'.. It might not happen this way. I have visitors this weekend who has been telling me a very sad story of their son divorcing after with 3 kids, youngest is still a baby.. After unplanned pregnancy. He wanted to have an abortion he wanted a baby, ultimately her body her choice, but the resentment built up from both sides-his feeling pushed to the edge given financial stress associated with the 3rd baby in already difficult situation and her feeling resentful because he was not overjoyed with the pregnancy. She filed for divorce.
Your decision is your decision but ultimately it might have the consequences to your entire family.

Plenty of women will read this thread. Plenty in a similar position to the OP. Referring to a safe and legal medical procedure to terminate an unplanned pregnancy as killing a baby, may be unhelpful. I don’t particularly feel at ease with that, but accept it is how the OP feels and is entitled to feel.

Is you trying to silence me sharing that I find the language used uncomfortable what you were trying to achieve? Because the OP doesn’t want a termination, whether she refers to it as such or as ‘killing her baby’, but by not using such emotive terminology, it might help another woman not feel worse than she already does.

You're right it might not. She could however have an abortion and then resent him for making her feel forced into not keeping their baby and file for divorce for that resentment. She can't fortune tell. She can only deal with the issue of what she can here and now.

But ultimately that is what a termination is. You are choosing to terminate the life of the child/fetus.

I don’t feel particularly comfortable when posters try to dictate to an OP how they should talk when discussing their own personal emotive situation.