Husband's response to my unexpected pregnancy...

[CD1107]

About 2 weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant, this was unplanned and after I told my husband, his response to me was that he did not want another child. I responded by telling him that I disagreed and we may just have to agree to disagree at that point.

A week went by, in that week, I went to the doctor to look at all the options, including abortion, and the what to do if I was to continue with the pregnancy. There was lots of tears, lots of questions going through my head. I knew in my heart that I did not want to terminate this pregnancy, I just could not bring myself to do this as we really didn't have a real reason to not be able to raise another child together, my husband doesn't want the inconvenience as we already have a 11 and a 12 year old.

I decided that I had to be honest and tell him that I was not able to go through with an abortion. I told him I had been crying about it all week. I told him that even if he got angry with me, he deserved to hear the truth, to avoid any assumptions of what my intentions are, and that I was not able to make that sort of compromise for the sake of peace keeping. To my surprise, he just listened and did not argue with me. I made clear that I was happy to give him more time and space that he needed to take it all in. And then I changed the subject.

It's been another week now, we are both happy but he seems to avoid any conversation regarding the pregnancy. I'm trying to share a little more with him, and even invited him to join me to meet my midwife tomorrow. He said he might be able to join me, depending on his work schedule.

Has anyone been in this kind of situation, where your partner is completely normal but just seems to avoid talking about the pregnancy? My husband doesn't get upset when I talk about it, but he just listens and doesn't give me much of a response either. Why do men respond like this? Is he still in shock? Will he eventually come around?

He didn't want another child. You decided that you do. That's your right. You don't, however, get to decide that he should be thrilled about it.

Yes, obviously, although I’ve gone to great lengths to minimise the chances of it. And I’m also a woman, so I get the final choice in whether or not a child is born. If I was male and didn’t want a baby, I’d make sure I didn’t make one.

Don’t make one then.

Well yes, that's right. No contraceptive is 100% so if you want to be totally sure of no baby those are the two options.

@FredandFloReadyToGo , I assume past of my post saying Not all marriages survive this sort of breach was one of the doom-mongering ones you were referring to.

I fully support OP's right to choose. I think it is worth being realisic about it as I've seen several marriages end over this. I've also seen some adapt just fine. But OP is naïve to thing accepting her right to decide means he's changed his mind about having another child.

I’d be absolutely gutted at the idea of starting the baby years again when my existing kids were secondary school age. He’s accepted you’ve made the decision he didn’t want and his life is going to change a lot and put another decade onto small kid parenting. You can’t expect him to jump for joy on top of that.

@Pumperthepumper

accidents happen, thanks to abortion you don’t have to live forever with the consequences of them

your attitude seems to be very much ‘you’ve made your bed now lie in it’ would that be what you would say to a woman to force her to give birth ?

No, that’s absolutely not what I would say to a woman because women have a further choice that men don’t have.

You’ve taken time to work out what you want to do.

This impacts him as well but he needed you to make your decision before he could start accepting his position. Beyond that, you took a week to make that decision seemingly in isolation from him and then announced it as a sealed deal without him being involved.

He needs time to adjust.

He’s going to have to talk about it, but you need to give him space to get to a place where he can make his own decisions.

If it seems like he’s avoiding it and pretending it’s not happening at all, then you’ll need to raise that and be prepared to hear things you don’t like.

I guess Op you just need to decide whether you want to have this baby more than you want your partner

cos that’s what it boils down to

he may not stick around and that’s his choice

It’s his choice to stick around but it’s not his choice to not financially support his own child.

Let down? There was nothing stopping him from making sure he didn't impregnate her, if he really didn't want a child. Why the hell is it OP's fault?

To you it's just a healthcare procedure. To the OP it IS emotive so it doesn't really matter how anyone else feels about her use of it.

Have to wonder why this man did not have the snip if he wanted to keep on having sex and risking pregnancy.

I think he might be coming to terms with having to do all the sleepless nights etc all over again when you guys have got out of the phase and gained independence life structure he could be worried financially.

he might be thinking he doesn’t want to do it and be thinking of his options of leaving or staying etc

give him time

Totally agree. Either have a vasectomy, be celibate, or have sex but accept there’s a risk you may create a child and that if you do you’re responsible for it.

This was covered at school in sex education I think?

Anyway OP I hope you’re feeling ok. It sounds like he doesn’t want the baby and that’s very hard to accept, but that doesn’t mean he will always feel that way. Our child was planned and much wanted but when I got pregnant DH was still quite ‘😱have we ruined our lives’ until the baby was a few weeks old and got more fun. Hopefully your DH will get more enthusiastic once he meets the baby.

You have told him that he gets no input here, that you literally don’t care about his views, as what you want goes.

What more do you expect from him at this point? You are correct, you do not need to consider his feelings or wishes at all with regards to your pregnancy.

Similarly he does not need to consider yours on anything else. It’s quite likely that he’s now speaking with a solicitor to understand his options, or is simply devastated that the wife he thought lived him simply doesn’t care, and he’s struggling to cope.

Not devastated enough not to impregnate that wife in the first place, just devastated that she’s not doing exactly what he wants because he said so?

It’s quite likely that he’s now speaking with a solicitor to understand his options, or is simply devastated that the wife he thought lived him simply doesn’t care,

That's insane.

Really, you think a previously loving father & husband is now down at the solicitor's office discussing divorce, as opposed to being shocked & coming to terms with an unexpected pregnancy, while still being there for his wife & DC?

I was in this situation exactly 2 years ago. My Children were 15 & 18, the last thing we envisaged was a baby when our lives were becoming our own again. My husbands initial and instant response after telling him was 'well you can't keep it, you'll have to get an abortion'. I knew from the second I saw the lines appear that I was having it. I gave him the option to stay or leave! He stayed but all through the pregnancy he was in denial, I think also resentful (me too at his response & lack of support). Now to this day In time, we have a 18 month old toddler that has truly been our miracle and we are so grateful for him. So bide your time, if you truly want this baby stick it out and see the outcome. Be prepared for the worst case scenarios but also have faith in future. Congratulations 3 is a magic number.

Exactly this.
Too many men apparently want to leave contraception to women but then get surprised and angry when partner gets pregnant .
no contraception is 100% yet they choose to forget or ignore this
if he didn’t want a baby they need to take their own responsibility and have a vasectomy. But there seems to be a lot of men who won’t take that minor op and short recovery on for sake of their family and are happy to expect women to take medication with all the potential side effects they have for years and years.

This sort of thing must be so difficult. I am very sorry you are in this position. Unfortunately, when an unplanned pregnancy happens and both partners have diametrically opposing views about it, there really is no way to compromise, no halfway house and no way for everyone to be fully comfortable.

I hope that you are able to sit and talk properly with your husband. Neither of you are unreasonable in your views, but your views are opposed, and there is no possibility of a middle ground.

There are no guarantees, but perhaps he really does just need more time. It will be an uncomfortable time for you both for now.

Whatever happens now, I wish you all well.

Contraception will obviously have to be seriously reviewed. Whatever method you were using has led to the current situation. If he is certain that he doesn't want to father any more children then he should be willing to consider a vasectomy in order to do all he can to ensure it doesn't happen.

You will also have to consider options (sterilisation etc.), though at a guess I would suppose that you have already taken responsibility for it for many years and various circumstances have brought you to the current situation.

Yes, his wife has laid out in absolutely clear terms that his view counts for zero. Of course this could be the point at which he decides it’s time to reappraise his life with her.

I agree with the majority of other posters, you have unilaterally decided he is having a child he doesn't want. I don't know what you're expecting really, he's obviously not going to be happy about it. Quiet unenthusiastic acceptance is probably the most you're going to get, possibly only until the baby is born but maybe forever.